Mister Stu
This is a sequel to 'Miss Sue' - I'd strongly suggest you read that one first. Not only because this story won't make complete sense without reading it first, but because, well, I'm proud of it (and a sucker for reviews)
------------------------------------------------------------
This was, without a doubt, McGonagall's best vacation. She wasn't in a tropical island paradise with a young masseur tending her back. She wasn't in a cozy mountain lodge drinking hot cocoa while the snow fell outside. She wasn't even in a hotel in some friendly hospitable land.
No, she was at Durmstrang, and she was enjoying every minute. Not an hour went by where some ridiculously contrived and horribly cliché event nearly destroyed the castle, Gary-Stus running every which way. Even more hilarious was the look on Ramius's face, the new headmaster of Durmstrang. While the man sported a stone-set face and pitch-black hair three months ago, the man now had too many grey hairs to count and a perpetual expression that indicated a verge of a psychotic breakdown. She kicked back, laughing as two Stus decided to try to bench press the poles holding up the quidditch hoops.
"That Is IT!"
McGonagall smirked, watching as the Durmstrang headmaster finally seemed to complete lose it.
"That is IT! No more - I want NO MORE! From this moment on, Durmstrang is NO LONGER hosting the Stu competition!" Ramius screamed.
McGonagall's mood instantly vanished. "No..." she breathed.
"That's IT! ALL OF YOU OUT OF HERE!"
"No," she whispered again, in a desperate pain. This... this couldn't be happening. It couldn't! "You have to host," she quickly said to Ramius.
"That's... that's it!" This time, Ramius wasn't speaking from a panicked and nearly-insane tone of voice; this time, it held a crafty glimmer as the man looked at McGonagall.
"No... don't even think it."
"That's right," Ramius said with a newfound grin. "The Gary-Stu contest is moving back to Hogwarts!"
------------------------------------------------------------
"Padfoot, you are an idiot!"
"Moony, trust me."
"You're insane. What on earth makes you think I could pull this off?"
"Are you kidding? If you play your cards right, you're a shoe-in!"
"That, Moony, is possibly the most insulting thing you have ever said to me."
"What? That you, with the proper training and instruction, could be a Gary-Stu."
"BE!"
"Sorry, sorry. Could pretend to be a Gary-Stu."
Sirius glared at Remus. "There is no possible reason on this planet that I would pretend to be a Gary-Stu."
"Women throw themselves at Stus..."
"When do we start?"
------------------------------------------------------------
"She did what!" Flitwick asked Sprout in a hushed whisper. "Is Ramius ok?"
"As good as he can be, I suppose," Sprout replied in an equally quiet voice. "Medic fixed him up as good as possible, although there are obviously... avenues of life he'll no longer be able to explore."
"I never imagined Minerva would do that, let alone to a fellow school head. Makes you look at her boots in a whole new light."
"Rumor has it he won't be able to even ride a broomstick for at least..."
McGonagall stormed up to them. "At least a year, yes," she said irritably. "Sod got off lucky, if you ask me."
"Yes ma'am," Flitwick, Slughorn, and Hagrid immediately and obediently replied, to the amusement of the female professors.
------------------------------------------------------------
"Here we go... 'Guide To Gary-Studom', hardback edition."
"Wait," Sirius said. "I thought you knew what a Gary-Stu was back when you were telling me I'm a shoe in. What's the book for?"
"Well, I know mostly what they are, but some pointers are always good. Like... here, for instance, it says you need long hair - nix your haircut next week."
"Yeah, right."
"I'm serious."
Remus and Sirius both looked around as if daring someone to make a horrible and obvious play on words involving Black's first name. Fortunately, unlike pretty much every fanfiction in existence, it didn't materialize.
"The hair thing doesn't make any sense," Sirius replied. "What happened to the nice clean cut look?"
Remus shrugged. "It's got a picture here. From some muggle movie called 'Lord of the Rings' - his name is Aragorn."
"A muggle quidditch movie?" Sirius protested, but squinted at the picture Remus held up. "He doesn't look much like a 'Lord' to me."
"Well, this is what we're shooting for - so you've pretty much got the look already."
"What?" Sirius said, surprised. "We're going for the 'Fresh From Azkaban' look of someone not utilizing a barber or a bath?"
"Hey, I don't understand it either, but apparently women like their stu's to be rugged unkempt... what's the word? Unkempt Bad-boys?"
"Oh, come on! You're joking. Even I know that women want a guy that is supportive, caring, loving, and even a bit protective of them."
"Then why are Lucius and Snape the most lusted after adults in canon?"
Sirius blinked. "Got me there..."
------------------------------------------------------------
McGonagall glared over the trembling attendees of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, sitting terrified at their house tables for the Second Semester feast. The reason they were petrified was quite simple. McGonagall got tired of them mumbling, groaning, or even speaking in outbursts as she gave the torrent of bad news: They were hosting the remainder of the Stu competition, they had transfer students coming from America (which had never actually happened before now,) and the transfers were almost certainly all Mary-Sues that were a mite late for the competition. Finally hitting the end of her frayed nerves, McGonagall resorted to hexing anyone that made a sound.
"Minerva..."
"Yes?" McGonagall said testily, glaring at Flitwick.
"Maybe I should finish up the ceremony?"
McGonagall exhaled, almost like a bull snorting angrily before it charged. "Fine," she said, and took her seat grumpily. Her mood wasn't helped by a collective sigh of relief from the entire ensemble of students. Still, she deserved a good deal of sympathy; she had gone through enough pain dealing with the Mary-Sues, and was now facing another round of the same sort of horrible cliche-driven plot lines.
"Alright," Flitwick said in a jovial voice. "Gary Stus, please enter the hall..."
------------------------------------------------------------
"Shouldn't we be at Hogwarts?" Sirius asked, looking at a clock. "The Gary-Stus are supposed to be there... actually, five minutes ago. They're probably about ready to enter the Great Hall."
Remus sighed. "Trust me. Besides, we still need to work on some things. Let me see your walk again."
It was Sirius' turn to sigh. "Ok, here we go..." He stood up straight, and strode dramatically across the room, a sense of power in his steps.
"Good! Good!"
"Can't I just walk normally?"
"No! You have to stride. Stu's don't walk, shuffle, meander, wander, or dally. They're men of action. Everything has a bold and adventurous purpose, Sirius."
"Heaven forbid I walk to the bathroom with anything less than full dramatic resolve."
"Stus don't have to go to the bathroom, Padfoot."
Padfoot was beginning to think that Moony was going off the deep end.
"Oh, and don't forget the stare. Your eyes have to be..."
"...piercing, striking, and sparkling," Sirius finished. "No other adjectives will do."
"Oh, by the way, you're an idiot."
"Oh, thanks," Sirius said sarcastically.
"No, no!" Remus said, shaking his head. "You're a Stu, remember? You have to have a snippy and demolishing comeback at all times! Now, by the way, you're an idiot."
Sirius paused. "Well, your mother's a hamster."
Remus blinked. "We'll have to work on that later..."
------------------------------------------------------------
"Our first Stu," Flitwick announced, "is Gerard Schuman." At those words, a twenty something young man walked in, looking rakishly dashing with untamed hair and striking eyes.
"Our second entrance is Jerry Stewart." This time, a twenty something young man entered, looking devilishly roguish with wild locks and piercing eyes.
"Our third student is Larry Loo." Another twenty something man entered, quite roguishly rakish, sporting an uncontrollable thick mane atop sparkling eyes.
"Our fourth is Garith Chu." One more twenty something guy entered the hall, dashingly devilish with unruly hair and eyes that pierced with their striking sparkliness.
The hall collectively blinked. "They all look the same!" Parvati protested.
However, before anyone could say anything else, the door flew open with a loud bang, a large gust of cold air passing dramatically through the Great Hall. There, in the doorway stood an imposing man in black clothing, a mysterious fanfare announcing his arrival. And everyone had to admit, the man was so roguishly devilish and dashingly rakish that he deserved a fifth adjective - 'jaunty', or perhaps even 'stylish'.
"Sirius Black!" McGonagall exclaimed in surprise. At the name, several of the younger students blanched in fear, while most of the younger girls either giggled or blushed.
Sirius nodded brusquely.
"He's so stylishly jaunty," one second year girl whispered to her classmate.
"Sirius, if I were to make a list of who we don't need here right now, your name would be towards the top of the list," McGonagall said loudly.
A few tense silent seconds went by. Remus, who was standing beside Sirius under an invisibility cloak, finally whispered some help in Sirius' ear.
"Snippy comeback, remember?"
Sirius nodded. "Well, Madame McGonagall, if I were to make a list of people that are stupid, Your name would be towards the top of the list."
Remus groaned. "Now I know how Cyrano felt..."
McGonagall glared at Sirius, but didn't say anything more.
"Yes, yes," Flitwick said, trying to move things along before McGonagall's ire would be pushed any further. "And our last Stu... Ronald Weasley."
"WHAT!"
Everyone looked over at Ron, who was a picture of shocked disbelief. "I am not!" he said loudly.
"Your name is right here on the list," Flitwick said, looking at the sheaf of parchment.
"I am NOT a Gary-Stu!"
"Oh, sorry, that's my fault," McGonagall said, standing back up. "I had put him on the list as a sort of a joke. I didn't think anyone would actually buy Ron being able to turn into a Gary Stu."
"Thank you," Ron said indignantly. A few seconds later, a confused look passed his face, and wasn't quite sure anymore whether it was a compliment or an insult.
------------------------------------------------------------
"Has the whole school gone insane?" Harry asked Ron, lying on his bed and looking up at the ceiling.
Ron, however, didn't appear to hear his classmate. "I could be a Gary-Stu, couldn't I? I mean, not that I want to - that would be horrible of course, but..."
"Have you gone insane?" Harry asked. "Why do you even care?"
Ron shuffled his feat as he sat at the edge of his bed. "Well, last fall you were kind of a Gary Stu with those muscles, and you have all those uber-Harry stories, and then there's Sirius being one now, and... well... I think I might be too gangly to be a Stu."
Harry was pretty sure Ron wasn't making any sense; not knowing quite what to do, he made a noncommittal sound.
"I mean, I'm important enough to be one, right?" Ron asked, looking over himself in a mirror. "I've done loads of amazing stuff the last six years!"
"Loads," Harry agreed. He didn't have the heart to tell Ron that he was generally too clueless and too annoying to be a Gary-Stu, and had found himself firmly entrenched in the role of comic relief. By now it wasn't even questioned. Snape had the redemption stories, Harry had the 'coming into his own' stories, Draco had the 'turning to the light' stories, and Ron had...
"... Chess," Ron finished, almost as if he could hear Harry's thoughts.
"Oh?"
"Chess! That's it!" Ron said excitedly, beginning to pace back and forth as if he'd solved a particularly vexing murder case and was about to reveal just how it was done. "Ok, how about this... we start a chess tournament in the school. No! Even Better! We get some evil malevolent force - any Slytherin would work - that for some reason is about to take over the school - or better yet, the whole world. Yes, that's it - but here's the thing, it would all hinge on... wait for it... a chess match! If they win, they become the overlord of all mankind. If I win, somehow, despite all odds, I will save everyone from a grim fate! Me, the hero, versus the untold depravity, to rescue the universe from certain doom. I'd come from behind, save everyone, and, well, be the hero. Me, the Hero!"
Harry blinked. "Er, that sounds great, Ron."
------------------------------------------------------------
Sirius looked at himself in the mirror and tried not to gag. Honestly, one of the reasons he wanted to get out of Azkaban was so that he wouldn't look like this. And while at first it was an ego boost to have 17 and 18 year old girls eyeing him as he walked along the hallway, now it somewhere bordering both boring and disturbing.
"There you are!" Remus said, walking up to him. "The contest is beginning soon!"
"Explain to me why I'm going through with this again, Moony."
"The women, Padfoot, the women."
"Ah, yes, the women."
"Multitudes of women."
"Multitudes."
"Legions, Padfoot, Legions of fangirls that will lap up every word, every action, every adventurous moment of your breathtaking life."
Sirius rolled his eyes, but followed Remus along the walkways of the castle until they arrived at the Quidditch pitch.
"There you are, Lupin," McGonagall said, waving them over. "Here's your headhunter fee."
"Headhunter fee?" Sirius asked, eyes narrowing.
"Yes, a headhunter fee for signing up an entry to the Stu Contest. 200 galleons."
"Well," Remus said, quickly pocketing the money, "I do believe I should get up in the stands!" Without pushing his luck any further, Moony ran.
"I'm going to kill him," Sirius said angrily.
"Do it after you take a bath, at least," McGonagall sniffed, before turning around to take her seat once again.
------------------------------------------------------------
Alright! Assuming you've read 'Miss Sue', you have an idea of what's coming up. Ordinarily I have at least a chapter or two typed in rough draft before I post something on - makes it a lot easier to post regularly even during writer's block. 'Miss Sue' and this story are different; instead, I structure the story around the reviews for each chapter. In 'Miss Sue', readers posted who they wanted to continue on in the contest and who they wanted to get the boot. This story, however, we're looking for something else.
I want everyone reading this to review and post what crossover character you want to appear in the story. One caveat, though - I'm not doing a serious crossover with this (obviously, since this is parody) or looking for usual crossover characters. Generally, the more silly or unusual, the better. In other words, I'd be looking for Oscar the Grouch over Legolas here. Name as many as you want - I'll pick the winner and they will be part of the story from the next chapter on.
Oh, and I'll be trying to do a once-a-week posting on the story, but no promises (it's a lot harder to do a story when you don't have a complete idea what's ever coming up)