Well. Today was the day. Matt just wanted to curl up into a ball, tunnel under his covers and die.

No one would find his body anyway until his landlady came around to complain that he'd missed this month's rental payment again. He bet no one would even complain about the smell, with the general air quality in his apartment. Which was horrendous. Really, it already smelt like something had died in here. That would just be his luck. Its ghost would probably complain that Matt was taking over its territory and then Matt would get evicted anyway even though he'd be dead.

Which he'd probably end up being at the rate he was starting to suffocate.

He peeked out from under his giant maple leaf covers. Yep, even his lampshade was judging him, cold and silent.

"Should I get up today?" he whispered to his lampshade.

His lampshade didn't deign to reply, probably deeming him too insignificant to answer to.

"I love you lampshade. Why won't you talk to me?"

Silence.

Fucking hell, he thought. My best friend is a bloody inanimate object. He really needed to get out more. Well, there was the issue of whether or not he should get up solved.

Getting up (or rather, stumbling out of bed like he was half drunk), he somehow made his way to his closet. There, he found himself automatically reaching for his baggy hoodies before realising that he didn't need to. Not today! Beaming, he practically skipped to the front door in anticipation, he was that excited. A fucking bomb could hit the rest of the apartment and he wouldn't have noticed.

"Why would you do this to us?!"

Matt's shoulders shook as he looked up the woman who had given birth to him, had fed him, played with him, cared for him.

"I'm...I'msorry-"

She sobbed, glaring at him. "If you were truly sorry, why would you take away our little girl?!"

He winced, biting his lip hard enough to draw blood from the sheer anxiety of the situation.

"Mother, I'm sorry, but you never had a daughter- "

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MATILDA?!"

All he could hear was shouting and then, suddenly the world became overwhelming, black spots dancing over his vision as he felt her fingernails digging into his throat.

He screamed in agony.

"MOTHER, MOTHER, STOP! Gah- I- can't - breathe!"

She threw him across the room. He gasped, feeling a rib cut through his skin and looked up to see the face of the woman who had promised to love him no matter what.

"I never want to see you again. You are not my child," she said, her tone almost eerily calm. "Don't think I won't kill you if you come back."

.

Matt wouldn't speak for an entire month after that.

There! He bent down to pick up his parcel, for a Mr Matthew Motherfucking Williams Baby!

And so that was he ended up staring at a complete stranger's crotch in his pyjamas as he straightened up.

Turning red immediately (curse his ancestors' genetic predisposition for pale skin!), he managed to stammer out a "Oh shitmotherfuckingtabernak I didn't see you there I'msorryI'msorry I swear I wasn't staring at your crotch so sorry again can I make it up to you in any way-"

The stranger laughed. God, Matt could just wither up and crumble to dust just now. Why did he have to make such an idiot in front of what could be the most attractive male model alive? He was being laughed at, he knew he shouldn't have gotten up this morning-

"Hey, hey, don't worry about it!"

What. Mr I-Am-Wasting-My-Life-Not-Being-A-Supermodel was smiling at him. He had an arm around Matt's shoulders. WHAT. ButButBut wasn't that what close friends and lovers did-

"You looked like you were in your own little world, I didn't want to interrupt. I liked the skipping, it was cute!"

...What. Was he still dreaming? Maybe he'd died and gone to some horrible mockery of heaven. He would've hoped he wouldn't be as socially inept as he usually was AS A MOTHERFLUFFING DEAD PERSON but it made sense that with how life loved to screw him over, death would too.

"Uhhh, are you okay? Your eyes are all glazed and stuff..."

Fuck it. He was dead, he figured it didn't exactly matter if he had the social skills of a rock. He might as well have a bit of fun. He smiled, shyly.

"Sorry about that," he began softy, using his patented 'I'm a sweet lovely innocent darling who will rouse your protective instincts even though I could kick your ass in my sleep' voice. "Sometimes I get these black outs, y'know?" Which was true. Just not right now. "And I need to sit down for a bit with someone who'll make sure that I'm okay and won't like, die on them. But everyone's out at the moment, so I'm alone." He made sure to frown thoughtfully and turn on his maximum sparkle level puppy dog eyes.

Sure enough, he took the bait.

"Oh my god, that is totally not safe! You are going right in and sitting down and let me make sure you're okay, dude!" he said, herding Matt inside and gently pushing him down onto Matt's couch, before finding and throwing Matt's old baby blanket onto him. Ah, so that's where his favourite polar bear toy went. He discreetly made sure Mr Supermodel had his back turned before he snuggled Kumajiro. Kumajiro had always been there for him. Kumajiro had been his childhood best friend. Kumajiro knew Matt like nobody else did, right?

"Who?" he could almost imagine the toy saying. He snorted. That would be right.

Peering up from the pile of fluff, Matt just watched, bewildered, as he took over his apartment. Well. This was interesting. He hadn't expected the guy to go so far as to try and make some coffee for him. He looked downright domestic, like he was meant to be a part of Matt's apartment. Also, dayum, that ass.

Ah, Mr Supermodel was turning around now. Daaaayum, that face was just as fine.

"So, uh..."

"Matt."

"Matt! So, Matt, how do you take your coffee?"

"Milk, sugar and with a hot guy?" Matt said before his mind caught up with his mouth. Oh, goddammit. He wanted a refund on his brain to mouth filter.

Mr Supermodel went red. It should be a illegal to be that adorable, Matt thought.

"At least buy me dinner first, sweetheart," Mr Supermodel said, winking. Fuck, he was beating Matt at his own game.

"Really?" Matt blurted out.

Holyshit. Mr Supermodel was checking him out now.

"Sure, you're cute enough and that shy thing's pretty adorable, y'know?"

Being dead was surprisingly good. If he'd known it'd be this great he probably would've gone through with his plans to off himself instead of watching his life crash around him, he thought darkly.

"...Huh?"

Matt did not just say that last bit out loud. He did, didn't he.

"Hey, Matt," Mr Supermodel said softly, hovering over him, as if Matt was a small rabbit ready to dart away at any second should he make the wrong move. "You're amazing and perfect just the way you are and I'm not really sure why you think you'd have to die for this to be happening? Like, you don't look like a zombie to me which is good because then I'd probably have to put you down and stuff like in the movies which would be bad 'cause you're too adorable to do that to-"

Matt raised an eyebrow, amused by his little tirade and also secretly a tiny bit touched because as cheesy as it was, Matt had never actually been given the 'Please don't kill yourself you're amazing asdfghjkl" speech. So far he'd only had four blank 'why the hell would you think that?!' faces, two 'yeahhh...I didn't sign up for this I'm leaving"s, thirteen 'you do that I'll grab the popcorn"s and seven extremely creative death threats (and one offer to help him through to hell). He'd passed on that one, telling them he owned controlling stocks in hell and could get a personal limo there any time. The next thing he knew, there were three church groups picketing in front of his apartment, denouncing him as the spawn of Satan.

"Uh-? Wait did I do something wrong? "

That was the most adorably clueless puppy dog eyes face Matt had ever seen. He probably should explain, though, before Mr Supermodel got real concerned and stuff. Although it was very cute and novel, how worried he was getting for Matt's sake.

"I'm okay now," he said, in that whispery voice of his. "It was a while ago, I'd just lost my home and all my family and friends-"

He was interrupted by a tight hug.

"Oh, dude. That's horrible. No one should have to go through that alone. That's it, I'm adopting you as my own."

Okayyy, he hadn't expected this. Not like he was complaining though. Maybe he wasn't so hopeless after all.

.

...

...Although he still hadn't gotten his package.

...Goddammit.