"Sargent Olivia Benson has just been recovered from being held hostage by William Lewis..." The TV's white noise was always on in my apartment. Or new apartment, I should say. After the reporter said those few words, I never turned the TV on again. She was found, she was safe. That's all I needed to know. It's all I want to know. She's safe. She will move on with her life.

It's been a year since then. Since Lewis. I've gotten over the shooting, I've gotten another job; moved on with my life. I will always regret shooting Jena. But the past is the past. I have to move on. For Olivia, for my kids. Kathy left me, no surprise there. I can't blame her. I would have left me too. Love one women, but married to another, this has to be worse than hell itself.

I can't go back to Olivia now. She's moved on, I respect that. I made my bed, and now I will have to sleep in it. Wither I like it or not, and I don't like it.

Ring ring ringgg. Damn that phone. It always has to interrupt my thinking. Which I do a lot of the late. No kids in the house, damn I'm depressing…

Ring ring ringgg.

"Damn it, I'm coming!" I yell at the phone. "Stabler."

"Hello? Anyone there.. Fucking prank calls…" I start to hang up.

"Wait! I, uh, sorry man. It's Fin." What the hell, how did he get my number? Why is he calling me?

"What do you want Fin?"

"You need to come to the station. Now." His voice is callus, no emotion.

"Why?" I'm not in the mode for this shit after 3 years.

"Just get here now. Jackass."

He hung up on me? What the hell? Damn you, Fin.

I shiver at the thought of seeing Olivia again. She will hate me. She should. Fin better have a good damn reason for calling me up. This is going to be hell. And I started the fire. Time to face it.

"That will be $13.99"

"Uh, sure." Olivia always loved roses. Red roses. I can at least try to get on her good side. At least the flowers won't hurt when she throws them at me.

This is my first time back in the squad room. Shit. Everything looks different.

I see what looks like to be Olivia's desk. I lay the roses down and turn to go find the jackass that called me down here.

"Are those for me?" I heard a woman's voice ask.

I turn to face her. Who is she?

"Um, is this your desk?" I ask unsure of the blond women in front of me.

"Yes, so I take that as a no for roses for me?" She attempts to joke.

"Actually there for an old friend. Who are you?" I ask as I pick the roses back up.

"Rollins. Amanda Rollins. And who are you? Can I help you?" She shakes my hand.

"Stabler. Elliot Stabler." She freezes for a second. Then returns to normal. But I notice.

"Um, who are you looking for Mr. Stabler?" Her attitude changes. She shifts her balance from side to side.

"I would actually like to know where Oliv.."

"Elliot!" I hear a voice interrupt.

I turn, and to my surprise I see Munch.

"John! How are you?"

"I've been better. How are you man?" He looks tired. Like he hasn't slept in days.

"I'm living." I reply. "Hey, do you know where Fin is? He called and demanded me to come down to the station." I try to lighten the mood. Everyone seems on their toes for some reason.

"Fin… Fin, called you? Now? He didn't… Are those roses?" Much. Sidetracked as always.

"Yea, I got them for Liv. Figured I owed her an apology. And they will hurt less than a book getting thrown at me."

I hear Amanda take a deep breath beside me. Like she was just stabbed. I start to worry.

"What's wrong?" I ask them. "What did Fin not tell me?"

"Elliot," Much started "Olivia… Liv… Liv's gone."

"Gone? What do you mean gone? Did she quit?" No, no, no, this can't be happening.

"I'm so sorry you weren't told Elliot…" Amanda says, tears in her eyes. "Liv… Liv ate her gun a week after the Lewis trial."

Tears were freely flowing down John's and Amanda's eyes now.

"She, she… no Liv wouldn't… no! No this is just some sick way to get back at me for leaving her. Liv, Olivia get your ass out here now! Fin! Fin where the hell are you?"

Fin comes running into the squad room. I lunge at him.

"What the hell is this? A sick joke? Where the hell is Liv!?" I yell at him as I shake him by his shirt. Tears running down my face.

"I sorry El…" He says as I sink to the floor. Not caring how I look.

I hear Amanda and some guy talking a few feet away. All I can do is stare at the red roses, laying on the floor. Knowing that they were for her. For my Liv. It killed me even more.

"Why?" I ask no one in particular.

"Why did she eat her gun? After everything she lived through. Why?"

Cragen walked out of his office, towards me but stopped at the roses. "I'm sorry Elliot. I'm sorry you weren't told." He picked up the roses and wrote something down on a piece of paper.

He handed me the roses and the paper.

"Go. Finish what you started." I stare at him.

"Amaro, Rollins. Go with him. Make sure he doesn't do anything stupid."

She will never know. Red roses for my love to her. She will never see my love, feel my love, hear my love. Or the roses.

Still sitting on the floor. I see red. Not red as in anger, red as in blood. Her blood caused by her own gun and her own hand. I wasn't there to save her form herself. Her blood may as well be on my hands. My Liv. My sweet Liv.

Your roses are red

My heart is now filled with lead

You took your live with your own hand

And now my heart is with you to the dead land.