I have decided, out of the good purity... excuse me for a second (ducks out of the room) HA HA HA HA HA HA HA (re-enters)... ahem. Where was I? Oh yes. Out of the pureness of my ol' ticker, I have decided that I'm gonna be crazy and include demons you might recognise!!! The first one is... well, read on to find out!!! Those of you (my loyal fans) who are MOST loyal, will find yourselves pretty happy! Ooh - and when (not if, when) reviewing, if you wanna sign by a decent name (your screen name, unless it's something stupid like... like kaytee83 (lol stephanie18 - j/k) don't worry, as long as it's a okay name you'll be cool). Also maybe put your sex, cos sometimes (as you will see in this episode - sorry if I'm wrong btw) it's hard to tell from the name. You'll understand after taking a look at my reviews page then reading this. NOW onto (boom boom booooooom) SERIES TROIS!!!
REMEMBER - OS = off screen, VO = voice over!!!
I warn you - this episode is feature length. And not by choice!
CHARMEDED 3.1: FINALLY, F*CKING FINALLY (HEY DON'T SWEAR!)
RECAP: SCREW THIS - IF YOU WANT A RECAP EITHER LOOK AT SERIES TWO OR CHECK OUT THE 'THE BUILD-UP TO' SERIES THREE, I AIN'T WASTING MY TIME ON REPEATING STUFF.
SCENE:
INT. THE FIELD WHERE PHOEBE WAS DUMPED THROUGH TIME. A CAPTION APPEARS AT THE BOTTOM: 'PHOEBE'. IT THEN CHANGES TO 'TWO WEEKS AFTER THE SEPARATION'. IT IS NIGHT, AND AS THE CAMERA PANS AROUND THE FIELD, PHOEBE IS NOWHERE TO BEEN SEEN. THE CAMERA STOPS ON A SOLITARY TREE. WE ZOOM IN. THE LEAVES BEGIN TO RUSTLE, AND UNEXPECTEDLY PHOEBE FALLS OUT OF THE TREE, LANDING ON HER CANDY ASS.
PHOEBE: Owie! How come I always fall on my ass!
VOICE(OS): Because you're retarded!
PHOEBE: Who said that? Or was it just a voice in my head?
SHE LOOKS AROUND. NOTHING.
PHOEBE: I'm scared. What will unscare me?
SFX: A TICKING CLOCK, AS PHOEBE THINKS HARD.
PHOEBE: Golly! Oh! Heehee I said golly. Golly rhymes with folly! Which rhymes with dolly! Which rhymes with Pikachu! Which rhymes with there's a demon behind me!
IT TAKES A FEW MINUTES AS SHE REGISTERS WHAT SHE'S SAID.
PHOEBE: Oh! My god! A demon!
DEMON: Damn right, Pixie!
PHOEBE: Phoebe.
DEMON: Whatever, Pixie.
PHOEBE: Who are you?
DEMON: I'm the terrifying demon who knocked you out of the tree! I am known as (booming voice) Quistis Trepe, the Ex-Instructor. Therefore I am Ex-Instructor Quistis Trepe. (almost friendly) But call me Quistis, for it is by far the most demonic-sounding part of my name.
PHOEBE: Okay. Hi Quistis! What is it you used to instruct.
QUISTIS: Oh you know, the usual, your weaknesses and how to take advantage, defeat you or just physically kick your asses from time to time. But then that frickin website came along, the one that you made? Yeah, so then I was out of business. I remember this one student of mine, a Lori Rom, who was an excellent pupil, but who cleverly realised this: how did I know my teachings actually worked? Most, well, all of my students have failed when putting my lessons into practise, so I have decided to take matters into my own claws and take you on myself. So what do you think of that, Pixie?
SHE REALISES PHOEBE IS SITTING DOWN LEANING AGAINST THE TREE, HALF-ASLEEP. SHE NUDGES HER WITH HER FOOT.
PHOEBE: Wha? Man, you done yet? You totally talk way too much!
QUISTIS: How dare you insult Quistis and expect to live?
PHOEBE: Like this: you suck!
QUISTIS THROWS AN ENERGY BALL AT PHOEBE, WHO IS KNOCKED UNCONSCIOUS. THERE IS AN AWKWARD PAUSE.
QUISTIS: Well that was easier than I thought it would be... now I got nothing to do!
SHE WHISTLES FOR A FEW MOMENTS. AN APPLE FALLS OUT OF THE TREE AND SMACKS HER ON THE HEAD.
QUISTIS: Owie! That's not even an apple tree!
SHE SHIMMERS OUT.
BLACK.
SCENE:
INT. THE THEATRE WHERE PIPER WAS DUMPED. A CAPTION APPEARS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN. IT READS 'PIPER'. WE SEE TWO ACTORS, ONE MALE, ONE FEMALE, WALKING ACROSS THE STAGE.
BOY: So tell me about the theatre's ghost.
GIRL: Um, I dunno.
BOY: Aw come on, every theatre has its ghost, and if I'm joining this one, I wanna know the legend.
GIRL: Well, I can't say there's much to it. I mean, the theatre was fine until about two weeks ago when strange things suddenly began to happen. Props would come flying down from the flies (Flies is the platform above the stage), actors would suddenly stop moving, like they'd been frozen or something, and things started to randomly explode.
BOY: You're joshing me.
GIRL: Believe me, I'm not. Look out!
A CHAIR SUDDENLY FALLS FROM ABOVE. BOY AND GIRL (THAT'S THEIR REAL NAMES) SCREAM AND DIVE OUT OF THE WAY.
CUT TO: UP IN THE FLIES.
PIPER IS LOOKING DOWN ON THE BOY AND GIRL, GIGGLING. SHE PICKS UP A BOOK AND THROWS IT AT THEM.
GIRL: It's the ghost! Run!
THEY START TO RUN, BUT PIPER FREEZES BOY.
GIRL: Boy! Boy! Can you hear me? Please, Boy, wake up!
PIPER BLOWS UP SOME OF THE CHAIRS IN THE AUDIENCE. BOY UNFREEZES, STUMBLES, AND FALLS OVER.
PIPER:(booming voice) Get out! Leave!
GIRL: Come on!
BOY: Girl, I'm too scared.
PIPER: Get the f*ck out you little crap-weasels!
BOY AND GIRL RUN AND EXIT. PIPER COLLAPSES LAUGHING.
PIPER: And I call Prue a comical prodigy! Man I'm a geenyus!
VOICE(OS): I believe it's 'genius', brainiac.
THE CAMERA PANS UP TO SHOW QUISTIS LOOMING OVER PIPER.
PIPER: Man, do you have to loom so much?
QUISTIS BACKS AWAY.
PIPER: Quistis, what do you want?
QUISTIS: How do you know my name, Panpipes?
PIPER: Piper.
QUISTIS: Whatever, Panpipes. How do you know my name?
PIPER: Guh! Do you think I don't watch Charmeded? I seen the whole bit with Phoebe! You knocked her out - good! Now you're talking to me - not so good. Do you not realise I have powers other than Phoebe.
QUISTIS: Phoebe, yeah. She's... negligable.
BOTH LAUGH.
QUISTIS: But I gotta kick your ass good so I get my business back.
PIPER: Oh yeah, sorry about that. Incidentally, have you ever been on the website? It's actually really g-
QUISTIS: Shut up! Just - shut up!
QUISTIS THROWS AN ENERY BALL BUT PIPER FREEZES IT.
PIPER: Puh-lease!
QUISTIS: Okay, so speed isn't something that works against you, you're too fast. But lets see how you handle... speed!
PIPER: Huh?
QUISTIS SHIMMERS BEHIND PIPER, KICKS HER IN THE ASS THEN SHIMMERS BACK. PIPER FALLS OVER.
QUISTIS: Ha! I kicked your ass! Literally!
PIPER: F*ck!
QUISTIS LOOMS OVER HER.
PIPER: Ahh! Quit it with the looming already!
QUISTIS BEGINS TO STRIKE PIPER, KICKING HER ASS GOOD! AFTER A FEW MOMENTS, AND SOME CRAZY ACTION MUSIC, SHE STEPS BACK. PIPER IS UNCONSCIOUS, BLEEDING.
QUISTIS: Hah! Cheeky little wench! Panpipes is no more.
VOICE(OS): Quistis, you do realise they're gonna regain consciousness, therefore they're not really defeated.
QUISTIS: Who's that? Who's speaking?
VOICE(OS): It's KT, the voice and your guide from above.
QUISTIS: You know, I only really want to knock them out, cos if I defeated them, then I wouldn't get any students, wouldn't get paid, and would have to live in that old abandoned mini again.
KT(OS): Okay. Fine. (under breath) Weirdo. Whatever, just go get Prue now.
QUISTIS: Right you are, boss!
QUISTIS SHIMMERS OUT.
KT(OS): Demons. Honestly.
CUT TO:
THE FIERY PITS OF HELL. PRUE IS PLAYING CHESS WITH SATAN. SHE MOVES A PIECE ACROSS THE BOARD.
PRUE: Chess!
SATAN: You are such an idiot.
PRUE: Did I win?
SATAN: Hell no.
A FAINT DRUM ROLL IS HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND. SATAN MOVES A PIECE.
SATAN: Check.
PRUE: Pah! Check? What game are you playing?
PRUE MOVES ANOTHER PIECE.
PRUE: (deliberately) Chess.
SATAN SETS THE BOARD ON FIRE. QUISTIS SHIMMERS IN.
SATAN: Oh, thank god! I mean, thank EVIL god. Therefore, thank me!
PRUE: Huh?
QUISTIS SMACKS HER ROUND THE MOUTH. PRUE FALLS OVER. SHE ASTRAL PROJECTS BEHIND QUISTIS.
ASTRAL PRUE: One thing you don't know - I'm way-
QUISTIS: More powerful than your sisters. I know. I don't care - you'll still be easily defeated.
PRUE LOOKS DECIDEDLY TAKEN ABACK. GUESS SHE HADN'T EXPECTED THAT. QUISTIS PICKS UP BOTH PRUES AND BANGS THEM TOGETHER. THEY FALL TO THE FLOOR. ASTRAL PRUE DISAPPEARS. REAL PRUE ATTEMPTS TO GET UP, BUT QUISTIS KICKS HER LEGS OUT FROM UNDER HER.
SATAN: Ha ha! Look at the pathetic little wench!
QUISTIS PICKS UP A NEARBY BASEBALL BAT WHICH WAS CASUALLY LYING AROUND AND BEGINS TO BEAT PRUE WITH IT.
QUISTIS: (between smacking Prue) Hey Satan... what's-brown-and... sticky?
SATAN: I dunno.
QUISTIS: A stick!
SATAN DOUBLES IN LAUGHTER.
QUISTIS: What did the pillow say to the other pillow?
SATAN: Tell me.
QUISTIS: NOTHING! It's a f*cking pillow you retard!
PRUE: Hey that was mine!
SATAN: Shut up! You squint!
QUISTIS: Yeah she does! Satan - throw her into some shackles for a few days will ya?
SATAN: Okay!
BIG MENTAL SHACKLES APPEAR ON THE WALL, AND PRUE IS SUDDENLY CHAINED TO THEM.
QUISTIS: Check it! Okay, I'm gonna go get my school back! See ya!
SATAN: You're welcome back any time!
QUISTIS SHIMMERS OUT. SATAN IS STILL LAUGHING.
SATAN: A stick, oh... ahhh.
CUT TO:
INT. THE CHARMEDED ONES F*CK-OFF PINK MANSION. WE ARE IN THE BASEMENT. THERE IS A LOUD THUMPING NOISE, AND IN THE DARK, WE SEE SOMETHING SLUMP TO THE FLOOR. IT IS A PERSON. IT'S... IT'S... OH MY GOD IT'S-
PAIGE: I gotta... get out of here...
SHE PUSHES THE DOOR WITH HER HANDS. WE SEE SCRATCH MARKS ALL DOWN THE DOOR WHERE SHE HAS ATTEMPTED TO CLAW IT DOWN (PUH-LEASE) AND ALSO WHERE SHE HAS THEN TAKEN OUT HER FRUSTRATIONS ON HER FACE (HA HA). SHE IS DIRTY AND BEATEN UP LOOKING.
PAIGE: My... sisters are... in trouble... not that I care or anything. Specially about that god darn evil Prue. But I smell... so bad!
WOOGYMAN: Not to me, sweetcheeks.
PAIGE: Nyahhhh!
SHE SLAMS HERSELF INTO THE DOOR AND GOES RIGHT THROUGH IT, REAPPEARING ON THE OTHER SIDE.
PAIGE: Huh, well if I knew I could do that then the last two years have been one hell of an unnecessary waste of time.
SHE SHRUGS AND WALKS AWAY. A MOMENT PASSES, AND SHE COMES BACK.
PAIGE: Oh yeah! I gotta save the Charmed Ones! Hmm, maybe if I just make up some guff spell then 'They' will think I've tried to bring them back - oh yes, I DO watch Charmeded you know, I know where they all are - anyway, They'll THINK I tried to bring them back, but failed. Then i can have this f*ck-off pink mansion all to myself! Coolio!
SHE THINKS FOR A MOMENT.
PAIGE: Okay... some crap spell. Right. Here we go. "Cool the three Charmeded Ones ain't; Bring them back or I shall... faint; Powers that be I command thee now; Prue, Piper and Phoebe the cow!"
BANG! SUDDENLY THE THREE CHARMEDED ONES APPEAR IN A PUFF OF SMOKE!
PRUE: I'm saved! I mean, I saved us!
PHOEBE: Wow thanks Prue!
PRUE: (to Paige) Yech, who let the dogs out? Look at your stupid hair!
PAIGE: Oh, darnit!
PIPER: Hey how'd you get out of the basement! Get!
PIPER PUSHES PAIGE BACK INTO THE BASEMENT AND STARTS RUBBING HER HANDS OVER THE DOOR.
PRUE: Piper, in the kindest way I can say this, with the nicest of word choice, what the f*ck are you doing?
PIPER: I'm magic-proofing the door. So Paige can't escape again.
PHOEBE: How'd you learn that?
PIPER: Oh just a little something I picked up from... gee I don't know actually.
PRUE: You probably got it from me, cos I'm the queen of them all-
ALL(singing): The queen!
PRUE: I love that Prue Song(TM)
KT(OS): Me too!
RANDOMLY, THE THREE GIRLS POSE TOGETHER, KIT JUMPS INTO PIPER'S ARMS AND THEY ALL LOOK DETERMINED. UH HUH, OH... KAY THEN. IT'S THAT WHOLE 'SOMEONE FANCIES THEMSELVES AS A BIT OF A CHARLIE'S ANGELS' THING AGAIN!
PRUE: Okay, enough. Let's all go and praise me!
ALL EXIT. A KNOCKING IS HEARD AT THE BASEMENT DOOR.
PAIGE(OS): Come on, guys - I just saved all your asses... maybe! At least give me some gruel!
PAUSE.
PAIGE(OS): (homer simpson style) Mmm... gruel.
ROLL CREDITS.
VOICE OVER GUY: Man I am so happy to be back! I think I actually have tears in my eyes!
VOICE OVER WOMAN: Wussie! Well, that was the first episode of Charmeded Series Three. Your comments would be much appreciated by the director, KT, who happens to be a bit of a buffoon. This is what could perhaps happen next time on Charmeded, cos we have learned that our sources of what will happen next aren't always-
VOICE OVER GUY: Are never.
VOICE OVER WOMAN: Right, are never quite reliable. So this is what COULD happen:
* * *
PAIGE: Hey Prue!
PRUE: Paige... your hair... it's... beautiful!
PAUSE.
PRUE BURSTS OUT LAUGHING, EXCEPT FOR PAIGE WHO THEN BURSTS... INTO TEARS AND RUNS OUT. PRUE LOOKS DIRECTLY AT THE CAMERA AND SNIFFS.
PRUE: God I wish there were IMPORTANT people around to see that...
* * *
PHOEBE: Piper, can I get a puppy?
PIPER: You want another dog?
PRUE: What? We don't have a dog!
PIPER AND PHOEBE LOOK AT PRUE POINTEDLY.
PRUE: Well we don't!
EVERYONE LAUGHS AT PRUE, THAT STOOPID DOG. HA HA HA HA
* * *
LEO ORBS IN WITH A STRIPE LIKE DRYDEN'S FROM ALIEN ANT FARM (MMM DRYDEN) IN HIS HAIR.
LEO(singing): And just like-ah the movies-ah
PHOEBE: God if you're gonna impersonate someone, do someone cool - like Alyssa Milano!
* * *
VOICE OVER WOMAN: The end see ya bye!
Well kids, was it worth the wait?
kt
REMEMBER - OS = off screen, VO = voice over!!!
I warn you - this episode is feature length. And not by choice!
CHARMEDED 3.1: FINALLY, F*CKING FINALLY (HEY DON'T SWEAR!)
RECAP: SCREW THIS - IF YOU WANT A RECAP EITHER LOOK AT SERIES TWO OR CHECK OUT THE 'THE BUILD-UP TO' SERIES THREE, I AIN'T WASTING MY TIME ON REPEATING STUFF.
SCENE:
INT. THE FIELD WHERE PHOEBE WAS DUMPED THROUGH TIME. A CAPTION APPEARS AT THE BOTTOM: 'PHOEBE'. IT THEN CHANGES TO 'TWO WEEKS AFTER THE SEPARATION'. IT IS NIGHT, AND AS THE CAMERA PANS AROUND THE FIELD, PHOEBE IS NOWHERE TO BEEN SEEN. THE CAMERA STOPS ON A SOLITARY TREE. WE ZOOM IN. THE LEAVES BEGIN TO RUSTLE, AND UNEXPECTEDLY PHOEBE FALLS OUT OF THE TREE, LANDING ON HER CANDY ASS.
PHOEBE: Owie! How come I always fall on my ass!
VOICE(OS): Because you're retarded!
PHOEBE: Who said that? Or was it just a voice in my head?
SHE LOOKS AROUND. NOTHING.
PHOEBE: I'm scared. What will unscare me?
SFX: A TICKING CLOCK, AS PHOEBE THINKS HARD.
PHOEBE: Golly! Oh! Heehee I said golly. Golly rhymes with folly! Which rhymes with dolly! Which rhymes with Pikachu! Which rhymes with there's a demon behind me!
IT TAKES A FEW MINUTES AS SHE REGISTERS WHAT SHE'S SAID.
PHOEBE: Oh! My god! A demon!
DEMON: Damn right, Pixie!
PHOEBE: Phoebe.
DEMON: Whatever, Pixie.
PHOEBE: Who are you?
DEMON: I'm the terrifying demon who knocked you out of the tree! I am known as (booming voice) Quistis Trepe, the Ex-Instructor. Therefore I am Ex-Instructor Quistis Trepe. (almost friendly) But call me Quistis, for it is by far the most demonic-sounding part of my name.
PHOEBE: Okay. Hi Quistis! What is it you used to instruct.
QUISTIS: Oh you know, the usual, your weaknesses and how to take advantage, defeat you or just physically kick your asses from time to time. But then that frickin website came along, the one that you made? Yeah, so then I was out of business. I remember this one student of mine, a Lori Rom, who was an excellent pupil, but who cleverly realised this: how did I know my teachings actually worked? Most, well, all of my students have failed when putting my lessons into practise, so I have decided to take matters into my own claws and take you on myself. So what do you think of that, Pixie?
SHE REALISES PHOEBE IS SITTING DOWN LEANING AGAINST THE TREE, HALF-ASLEEP. SHE NUDGES HER WITH HER FOOT.
PHOEBE: Wha? Man, you done yet? You totally talk way too much!
QUISTIS: How dare you insult Quistis and expect to live?
PHOEBE: Like this: you suck!
QUISTIS THROWS AN ENERGY BALL AT PHOEBE, WHO IS KNOCKED UNCONSCIOUS. THERE IS AN AWKWARD PAUSE.
QUISTIS: Well that was easier than I thought it would be... now I got nothing to do!
SHE WHISTLES FOR A FEW MOMENTS. AN APPLE FALLS OUT OF THE TREE AND SMACKS HER ON THE HEAD.
QUISTIS: Owie! That's not even an apple tree!
SHE SHIMMERS OUT.
BLACK.
SCENE:
INT. THE THEATRE WHERE PIPER WAS DUMPED. A CAPTION APPEARS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN. IT READS 'PIPER'. WE SEE TWO ACTORS, ONE MALE, ONE FEMALE, WALKING ACROSS THE STAGE.
BOY: So tell me about the theatre's ghost.
GIRL: Um, I dunno.
BOY: Aw come on, every theatre has its ghost, and if I'm joining this one, I wanna know the legend.
GIRL: Well, I can't say there's much to it. I mean, the theatre was fine until about two weeks ago when strange things suddenly began to happen. Props would come flying down from the flies (Flies is the platform above the stage), actors would suddenly stop moving, like they'd been frozen or something, and things started to randomly explode.
BOY: You're joshing me.
GIRL: Believe me, I'm not. Look out!
A CHAIR SUDDENLY FALLS FROM ABOVE. BOY AND GIRL (THAT'S THEIR REAL NAMES) SCREAM AND DIVE OUT OF THE WAY.
CUT TO: UP IN THE FLIES.
PIPER IS LOOKING DOWN ON THE BOY AND GIRL, GIGGLING. SHE PICKS UP A BOOK AND THROWS IT AT THEM.
GIRL: It's the ghost! Run!
THEY START TO RUN, BUT PIPER FREEZES BOY.
GIRL: Boy! Boy! Can you hear me? Please, Boy, wake up!
PIPER BLOWS UP SOME OF THE CHAIRS IN THE AUDIENCE. BOY UNFREEZES, STUMBLES, AND FALLS OVER.
PIPER:(booming voice) Get out! Leave!
GIRL: Come on!
BOY: Girl, I'm too scared.
PIPER: Get the f*ck out you little crap-weasels!
BOY AND GIRL RUN AND EXIT. PIPER COLLAPSES LAUGHING.
PIPER: And I call Prue a comical prodigy! Man I'm a geenyus!
VOICE(OS): I believe it's 'genius', brainiac.
THE CAMERA PANS UP TO SHOW QUISTIS LOOMING OVER PIPER.
PIPER: Man, do you have to loom so much?
QUISTIS BACKS AWAY.
PIPER: Quistis, what do you want?
QUISTIS: How do you know my name, Panpipes?
PIPER: Piper.
QUISTIS: Whatever, Panpipes. How do you know my name?
PIPER: Guh! Do you think I don't watch Charmeded? I seen the whole bit with Phoebe! You knocked her out - good! Now you're talking to me - not so good. Do you not realise I have powers other than Phoebe.
QUISTIS: Phoebe, yeah. She's... negligable.
BOTH LAUGH.
QUISTIS: But I gotta kick your ass good so I get my business back.
PIPER: Oh yeah, sorry about that. Incidentally, have you ever been on the website? It's actually really g-
QUISTIS: Shut up! Just - shut up!
QUISTIS THROWS AN ENERY BALL BUT PIPER FREEZES IT.
PIPER: Puh-lease!
QUISTIS: Okay, so speed isn't something that works against you, you're too fast. But lets see how you handle... speed!
PIPER: Huh?
QUISTIS SHIMMERS BEHIND PIPER, KICKS HER IN THE ASS THEN SHIMMERS BACK. PIPER FALLS OVER.
QUISTIS: Ha! I kicked your ass! Literally!
PIPER: F*ck!
QUISTIS LOOMS OVER HER.
PIPER: Ahh! Quit it with the looming already!
QUISTIS BEGINS TO STRIKE PIPER, KICKING HER ASS GOOD! AFTER A FEW MOMENTS, AND SOME CRAZY ACTION MUSIC, SHE STEPS BACK. PIPER IS UNCONSCIOUS, BLEEDING.
QUISTIS: Hah! Cheeky little wench! Panpipes is no more.
VOICE(OS): Quistis, you do realise they're gonna regain consciousness, therefore they're not really defeated.
QUISTIS: Who's that? Who's speaking?
VOICE(OS): It's KT, the voice and your guide from above.
QUISTIS: You know, I only really want to knock them out, cos if I defeated them, then I wouldn't get any students, wouldn't get paid, and would have to live in that old abandoned mini again.
KT(OS): Okay. Fine. (under breath) Weirdo. Whatever, just go get Prue now.
QUISTIS: Right you are, boss!
QUISTIS SHIMMERS OUT.
KT(OS): Demons. Honestly.
CUT TO:
THE FIERY PITS OF HELL. PRUE IS PLAYING CHESS WITH SATAN. SHE MOVES A PIECE ACROSS THE BOARD.
PRUE: Chess!
SATAN: You are such an idiot.
PRUE: Did I win?
SATAN: Hell no.
A FAINT DRUM ROLL IS HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND. SATAN MOVES A PIECE.
SATAN: Check.
PRUE: Pah! Check? What game are you playing?
PRUE MOVES ANOTHER PIECE.
PRUE: (deliberately) Chess.
SATAN SETS THE BOARD ON FIRE. QUISTIS SHIMMERS IN.
SATAN: Oh, thank god! I mean, thank EVIL god. Therefore, thank me!
PRUE: Huh?
QUISTIS SMACKS HER ROUND THE MOUTH. PRUE FALLS OVER. SHE ASTRAL PROJECTS BEHIND QUISTIS.
ASTRAL PRUE: One thing you don't know - I'm way-
QUISTIS: More powerful than your sisters. I know. I don't care - you'll still be easily defeated.
PRUE LOOKS DECIDEDLY TAKEN ABACK. GUESS SHE HADN'T EXPECTED THAT. QUISTIS PICKS UP BOTH PRUES AND BANGS THEM TOGETHER. THEY FALL TO THE FLOOR. ASTRAL PRUE DISAPPEARS. REAL PRUE ATTEMPTS TO GET UP, BUT QUISTIS KICKS HER LEGS OUT FROM UNDER HER.
SATAN: Ha ha! Look at the pathetic little wench!
QUISTIS PICKS UP A NEARBY BASEBALL BAT WHICH WAS CASUALLY LYING AROUND AND BEGINS TO BEAT PRUE WITH IT.
QUISTIS: (between smacking Prue) Hey Satan... what's-brown-and... sticky?
SATAN: I dunno.
QUISTIS: A stick!
SATAN DOUBLES IN LAUGHTER.
QUISTIS: What did the pillow say to the other pillow?
SATAN: Tell me.
QUISTIS: NOTHING! It's a f*cking pillow you retard!
PRUE: Hey that was mine!
SATAN: Shut up! You squint!
QUISTIS: Yeah she does! Satan - throw her into some shackles for a few days will ya?
SATAN: Okay!
BIG MENTAL SHACKLES APPEAR ON THE WALL, AND PRUE IS SUDDENLY CHAINED TO THEM.
QUISTIS: Check it! Okay, I'm gonna go get my school back! See ya!
SATAN: You're welcome back any time!
QUISTIS SHIMMERS OUT. SATAN IS STILL LAUGHING.
SATAN: A stick, oh... ahhh.
CUT TO:
INT. THE CHARMEDED ONES F*CK-OFF PINK MANSION. WE ARE IN THE BASEMENT. THERE IS A LOUD THUMPING NOISE, AND IN THE DARK, WE SEE SOMETHING SLUMP TO THE FLOOR. IT IS A PERSON. IT'S... IT'S... OH MY GOD IT'S-
PAIGE: I gotta... get out of here...
SHE PUSHES THE DOOR WITH HER HANDS. WE SEE SCRATCH MARKS ALL DOWN THE DOOR WHERE SHE HAS ATTEMPTED TO CLAW IT DOWN (PUH-LEASE) AND ALSO WHERE SHE HAS THEN TAKEN OUT HER FRUSTRATIONS ON HER FACE (HA HA). SHE IS DIRTY AND BEATEN UP LOOKING.
PAIGE: My... sisters are... in trouble... not that I care or anything. Specially about that god darn evil Prue. But I smell... so bad!
WOOGYMAN: Not to me, sweetcheeks.
PAIGE: Nyahhhh!
SHE SLAMS HERSELF INTO THE DOOR AND GOES RIGHT THROUGH IT, REAPPEARING ON THE OTHER SIDE.
PAIGE: Huh, well if I knew I could do that then the last two years have been one hell of an unnecessary waste of time.
SHE SHRUGS AND WALKS AWAY. A MOMENT PASSES, AND SHE COMES BACK.
PAIGE: Oh yeah! I gotta save the Charmed Ones! Hmm, maybe if I just make up some guff spell then 'They' will think I've tried to bring them back - oh yes, I DO watch Charmeded you know, I know where they all are - anyway, They'll THINK I tried to bring them back, but failed. Then i can have this f*ck-off pink mansion all to myself! Coolio!
SHE THINKS FOR A MOMENT.
PAIGE: Okay... some crap spell. Right. Here we go. "Cool the three Charmeded Ones ain't; Bring them back or I shall... faint; Powers that be I command thee now; Prue, Piper and Phoebe the cow!"
BANG! SUDDENLY THE THREE CHARMEDED ONES APPEAR IN A PUFF OF SMOKE!
PRUE: I'm saved! I mean, I saved us!
PHOEBE: Wow thanks Prue!
PRUE: (to Paige) Yech, who let the dogs out? Look at your stupid hair!
PAIGE: Oh, darnit!
PIPER: Hey how'd you get out of the basement! Get!
PIPER PUSHES PAIGE BACK INTO THE BASEMENT AND STARTS RUBBING HER HANDS OVER THE DOOR.
PRUE: Piper, in the kindest way I can say this, with the nicest of word choice, what the f*ck are you doing?
PIPER: I'm magic-proofing the door. So Paige can't escape again.
PHOEBE: How'd you learn that?
PIPER: Oh just a little something I picked up from... gee I don't know actually.
PRUE: You probably got it from me, cos I'm the queen of them all-
ALL(singing): The queen!
PRUE: I love that Prue Song(TM)
KT(OS): Me too!
RANDOMLY, THE THREE GIRLS POSE TOGETHER, KIT JUMPS INTO PIPER'S ARMS AND THEY ALL LOOK DETERMINED. UH HUH, OH... KAY THEN. IT'S THAT WHOLE 'SOMEONE FANCIES THEMSELVES AS A BIT OF A CHARLIE'S ANGELS' THING AGAIN!
PRUE: Okay, enough. Let's all go and praise me!
ALL EXIT. A KNOCKING IS HEARD AT THE BASEMENT DOOR.
PAIGE(OS): Come on, guys - I just saved all your asses... maybe! At least give me some gruel!
PAUSE.
PAIGE(OS): (homer simpson style) Mmm... gruel.
ROLL CREDITS.
VOICE OVER GUY: Man I am so happy to be back! I think I actually have tears in my eyes!
VOICE OVER WOMAN: Wussie! Well, that was the first episode of Charmeded Series Three. Your comments would be much appreciated by the director, KT, who happens to be a bit of a buffoon. This is what could perhaps happen next time on Charmeded, cos we have learned that our sources of what will happen next aren't always-
VOICE OVER GUY: Are never.
VOICE OVER WOMAN: Right, are never quite reliable. So this is what COULD happen:
* * *
PAIGE: Hey Prue!
PRUE: Paige... your hair... it's... beautiful!
PAUSE.
PRUE BURSTS OUT LAUGHING, EXCEPT FOR PAIGE WHO THEN BURSTS... INTO TEARS AND RUNS OUT. PRUE LOOKS DIRECTLY AT THE CAMERA AND SNIFFS.
PRUE: God I wish there were IMPORTANT people around to see that...
* * *
PHOEBE: Piper, can I get a puppy?
PIPER: You want another dog?
PRUE: What? We don't have a dog!
PIPER AND PHOEBE LOOK AT PRUE POINTEDLY.
PRUE: Well we don't!
EVERYONE LAUGHS AT PRUE, THAT STOOPID DOG. HA HA HA HA
* * *
LEO ORBS IN WITH A STRIPE LIKE DRYDEN'S FROM ALIEN ANT FARM (MMM DRYDEN) IN HIS HAIR.
LEO(singing): And just like-ah the movies-ah
PHOEBE: God if you're gonna impersonate someone, do someone cool - like Alyssa Milano!
* * *
VOICE OVER WOMAN: The end see ya bye!
Well kids, was it worth the wait?
kt