A/N: This was co-written by me and phennphenn, an awesome writer. We did this to send in to Basilisk, another awesome writer, for her fic, HP MSTing. In her fic, she tortures some characters from Harry Potter by forcing them to read badfics written by amateurs. That is the reason why this fic is so crazy and strange. Also, about the H/H pairing in this, I am actually a H/G shipper, and phennphenn really does not care; she thinks that whatever JKR does is fine. We only did this because Harry and Hermione are two of the characters that Basilisk is torturing, and in her fic, the pairings are H/G and R/H. Enjoy! Please review!
Harry Potter and the Radioactive Loons
By phennphenn and Ax
A/N: Hello you guys!!! This is phennphenn and Ax writing a story together!!! (Bwahahahaha) If we have something to say, you will see, in parenthesis, the name of the writer saying it, and what she has to say!!!
One day, when Harry and Hermione were in the Gryffindor common room making out, (phennphenn: I don't like romance. But cutting paper is fun!) Fred and George (Ax: Dude!!! George is sooo hot…and funny… Oh, my gosh, I love him to death!!!!) (phennphenn: U-G-L-Y! He's ugly!) (Ax: * sticks out her tongue *)
Anyhoo, Fred and George came running in, and Fred yelled, "There's lakes on the loons!!!"
"No, no, no!!! There's loons on the lake!" cried George. (Ax: * sigh *)
Nobody paid heed to this announcement, considering who it came from. Hermione and Harry continued on.
"What are loons?" asked Draco Malfoy, who just so happened to be in the Gryffindor common room even though he was not allowed to.
"Loons are a type of water-fowl that are black and white with red eyes, that are native to the Northern part of the United States. They are the state bird of Minnesota. Gosh, don't ya'll know anything? Haven't you ever read Birds of the United States, A History?" Hermione flipped her hair and went back to kissing Harry.
Then Ron asked, "Foul? As in some sort of Quidditch foul? What kind of foul is that?"
Neville, who had just walked in, asked, "Hey, what is Malfoy doing in here? He's not supposed to be in here!"
Everybody looked at Neville, shrugged, and turned back to what they were doing. However, Ron, Hermione, and Harry stood up and pulled out their wands.
"That's a good question," commented Ron. "Draco, what are you doing in here?"
"What do you think you're doing, Ron? We're not on first-name terms with Draco! The point is, he's in our common room! He's not even supposed to know where that is!!! Attack!" (phennphenn and Ax: Bwahahahahahaha!!!!)
All three of our heroic heroes aimed their wands at Draco and yelled the leg-locker curse. Draco calmly pulled out his wand, pointed it at Hermione, and said, "Turn her into a big, black spider!" (phennphenn: Make her still have bushy brown hair!) (Ax: Okay.) Draco continued. "Make the spider have bushy brown hair!!!" There was a blinding flash of light, and in Hermione's place stood a big, black spider with bushy brown hair. Draco hopped off back to the Slytherin common room.
Ron looked at the spider that used to be Hermione, blinked, and then screamed. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(phennphenn: This goes on for a while…)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(Ax: Ditto.)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Continuing to scream like a girl, Ron ran out of the room.
Well, Harry looked at Hermione, and then started to weep tears of anguish, because his one true love had been turned into a big spider with bushy brown hair. (phennphenn: Ack, romance!) (Ax: Well, I like romance, so too bad!) (phennphenn: Well, I still don't like romance.)(Ax and phennphenn: *Start fighting over what couples should show up in the books*)
Then Hermione ran out the door, because she did not like being a spider.
Harry said, "No, Hermione, don't go live with the spiders in the Forbidden Forest! I need to go find her so that I can bring her to my favorite teacher, Snape, and she'll fix it!" (Ax: We want Snape to be a girl, so there!)
(phennphenn: I think that hairy feet are sexy, so there! So what if I have hairy feet? I think they're sexy!)
Harry ran out of the common room, and out of the castle, into the front yard, where he saw the lake. And guess what he saw in the lake!
*Duh, duh, duh!*
THE LOONS! (phennphenn: Be afraid, be very afraid. I see dead loons! Mary left a fish in my shoe.)
Anyway, also near the lake was Moldy-Voldy, who was unsuccessfully commanding the loons to kill Harry Potter. However, the loons just sat in the lake blinking at him.
Harry ignored Moldy-Voldy and the loons and simply continued on his quest to find Hermione.
Finally, he found Hermione reading a book on how to weave a spider web. The book was entitled Spider Webs for Dummies.
"Accio Snape!" Harry yelled, and a few seconds later, Snape flew through the air and landed on Harry, causing him to fall and Snape to be sitting in his lap. Snape had clean, shiny, long black hair, blue eyes, and was slim. She was wearing a sexy pink bikini.
"Wow, Professor, you're really hot!" Harry exclaimed.
Hermione, Harry's girlfriend, clicked at him.
"Oh, yeah, Professor Snape, could you fix her?" Harry asked, finally noticing Hermione, his girlfriend, again.
"Oh, of course! I would do anything for you, Harry-poo!" Snape exclaimed, batting her eyelashes. Snape started to stand up, and (phennphenn: WAIT! I like her sitting in Harry's lap! Lap dance! Lap dance!) (Ax: Okay, scratch that about Snape standing up. She was still sitting in Harry's lap.)
Anyway, Snape pulled her wand out of the front of her bikini and said, "Commutare humanus Hermione."
"Thank you so much, Professor!" Harry exclaimed, and then proceeded to kiss Snape.
"Oh, Harry!" Snape said happily, and giggled.
(phennphenn and Ax: *evil laugh*)
Hermione came up, slapped Harry, and dragged him off. Then, she came back, and said to Snape, who was sobbing hysterically, "Don't you go there, girlfriend!" She ran back off to Harry, and they started to walk back to the castle.
On the way, they passed Moldy-Voldy and the loons on the lake, and Hermione saw them.
"Do you know what they are doing?" asked Harry, pointing to the loons which were still just blinking at Moldy-Voldy.
"Yes, you idiot!" Hermione cried. "Can't you see that they're blinking in Morse Code? They are saying, 'We are the loons! We will take over the world! We are three times bigger than a normal loon, three times smarter than a human, and we have superior technology!' Oh, no! What should we do, Harry?"
Suddenly, a large, shaggy black dog that Hermione and Harry recognized as Sirius ran up, barking madly. He scared the loons away, and they flew off into the sunset.
Moldy-Voldy ran off into the forest, where he met Snape, still in her bikini, trying to kill herself because Harry was going out with Hermione and not herself. Moldy-Voldy and Snape ended up falling in love and getting married in the next five minutes.
Harry and Hermione walked towards the castle, holding hands, and Sirius padded alongside them. Harry patted his head every couple of minutes, saying, "Good dog!"
Eventually, Sirius ran off into the woods, and Harry and Hermione continued the kissing-fest they had began before Draco turned her into a spider.
Then, the sky turned black, as the loons' spacecraft blotted out the sun. They used their beam weapons to destroy Hogwarts, and everybody died. They went on to conquer the world, and phennphenn and Ax became their personal servants. Because Ax and phennphenn were their favorite servants, they decided to give Ax her crush, Marco from Animorphs, and phennphenn whatever she wanted, once she decided upon it. They then blew up Earth.
The end!