WOODS
Dharma is sitting on a log by a campfire holding a Ziploc baggie of tobacco leaves, pouting. Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer appears from the trees.
Spike - Who in the bloody hell are you?
Dharma - I'm Dharma Montgomery. Who are you?
Spike - Spike. What are you doing out here by yourself?
Dharma - Praising Diana. But nobody else showed up. What are you doing out here?
Spike - Looking for the cemetery. I need a crypt to sleep in.
Dharma - You want to sleep in the cemetery? I can't let you do that. You could go to the homeless shelter if you're in that much need.
Spike - Look, lady, I'm a vampire. I'm dead. It don't bother me.
Dharma - You can stay in my apartment then. We must welcome all spirits. Dead or alive.
DHARMA AND GREG'S APARTMENT/ KITCHEN
Greg has Nunsio on the island, trying to clip his toenails. Dharma skips in the room and tosses Nunsio on the floor.
Dharma - Be free, Nunsio! Wait until I tell Abby and Larry that I have a vampire!
Greg - Dharma! Are you so sure it's such a good idea to let him sleep on the couch?
Dharma - I agree that would be a horrible idea.
Greg - Good!
Dharma - He'll be sleeping in the old casket that Abby and Larry use on Halloween and the Day of the Dead and the Reenactment of Osiris' Resurrection.
Greg - He's a vampire!
Spike is playing with Stinky in the living room, googooing at him.
Greg - I don't want to have my blood sucked in the middle of the night!
Dharma - Now, Greg, you're too hard on him. Just because he's a vampire doesn't mean he's not a good person. Now you need to bond with him.
Greg - Bond with him? I've just met him. I don't want to have my blood sucked.
Dharma - Greg, relax. He's already explained to me that he can't drink from anybody. Now go talk to him.
DHARMA AND GREG'S APARTMENT/ LIVING ROOM
Greg saunters in trying to look cool. He runs into a side table and hops around painfully for a full five minutes as Spike plays with Stinky.
Spike - Would you calm down? You act like you have a hellbitch crawling down your drawers.
Greg - Excuse me?
Spike - Sit! Or go away. Whatever's your fancy.
Greg - Oh, yeah.
Greg sits on the couch, sitting on Stinky. He does the famous groin cover movement, to prevent injury in case Spike gets violent.
Greg - So... um... how about that Super Bowl?
Spike picks up Dharma's copy of The Vagina Monologues. Dharma comes in and pulls Stinky out from under Greg's butt.
Dharma - Greg, I'm going to Abby and Larry's with Spike. I left my purse there and Abby wants to hold a quick welcoming ceremony before breakfast.
ABBY AND LARRY'S HOUSE/ LIVING ROOM
Abby - Now, Spike, we would like to let you know that you are always welcome in our home.
Larry - Yes. Oh! Is your mother Anne Rice?
Larry tries to retrieve his bagel out of the toaster with a fork.
Dharma - Now, Larry, remember what happened the last time you did that?
Spike - I'm not sure I should be staying with you, Dharma. Greg seems as if he'll piss his pants whenever he sees me.
Dharma - Don't be silly! Greg just needs to get to know the other side of you that isn't a vampire. Get to know other cultures.
Abby - Why don't you have Edward set up a midnight tee time for the guys?
Larry - I'm a guy! I haven't been welcomed back since they found me bathing naked in a water hazard.
Abby - That's not so unprovoked.
GOLF COURSE
Larry putts blindly.
Larry - Par!
Spike - This is bloody stupid.
Spike shines his flashlight at Edward, who is teeing up. Edward is startled and whacks Larry with his club.
Spike - I can't see a thumpin' thing out here.
Greg - Sorry, but once Dharma gets an idea in her head there's nothing stopping her.
Greg puts his face about a foot to the ground, searching for the ball. Larry walks by and splashes mud in his face.
Edward - The same with Abby and Kitty.
Edward swings at his ball three times before hitting it.
Greg - What has Mom ever insisted on?
Edward - Well, just before I left she insisted that I wear pants. She told me not to tell any of the blood bank jokes I've been practicing because you're an Englishman and we don't want to offend you.
Spike - God-awful women!
Spike hits his ball as hard as possible and drives it into the trunk of a tree.
Larry - You have a woman?
Larry relieves himself in the nearby water hazard. Greg lurches as if to vomit.
Spike - Sort of.
Pete - Sorta?
Pete stumbles out from behind the tree Spike had driven the ball into, a large purplish lump on his forehead. He waves cheerily, as he wipes torrents of blood off his brow.
Spike - Long story.
Edward - Well we're not able to see the balls anyway so tell us.
Edward rips the scorecard into iddy biddy pieces. Larry starts nibbling on them.
Spike - Well, her name's Buffy. She was brought back to life last season, I mean year. So, we shag when she's supposed to be on patrol. Sure the town would feel a lot safer knowin' that the slayer is shaggin' a vamp instead of steakin' him.
Greg - You're dating a vampire slayer?
Spike - I didn't say we were dating. She hates me.
Pete - Still! You're sleeping with a slayer!
Spike - Stop playing with your balls, Pete! You want me to bloody thump you?
Pete disappointedly puts his balls away.
ABBY AND LARRY'S HOUSE/ LIVING ROOM
Abby - Oh, how sad.
Dharma - Doomed love. It explains so much. He's trying to make a new life for himself away from his doomed love life. Thank you for telling me, Larry.
Larry - No problem, sweetie. I've gotta go to the garage and look for the casket we kept from the Halloween party last year. I promised Spike he could sleep in it in returns that he baby-sits for Harry.
Larry wanders out a door.
Dharma - Actually, I promised it to him. Now I know that helping him is the right thing. I just have to figure out how.
Abby - Larry! The garage is the other way!
Larry wanders back in, gives her a thumbs up, and leaves out another door.
Abby - That's the bathroom, Larry!
Larry wanders back, gives her a thumbs up, and leaves out another door.
Abby - You could cleanse his aura for him until you can think of something.
Dharma - I think I will. But I've got a better idea.
Dharma waves and leaves. Larry wanders back in.
Larry - I'm sorry. That was the closet.
Larry finally leaves.
ABBY AND LARRY'S HOUSE
Spike is awkwardly holding baby Harry at arms length.
Spike - Hey, little bit.
Jane prances in, carrying a hatchet.
Spike - Who the hell is this? W hat do you want?
Jane brandishes the hatchet. Spike approaches calmly, baby Harry tucked under his arm.
Jane - What's it to you?
Spike - Look. If you're here to kill me and loot the place, I'm already dead and I don't own the place. God, I wish I did.
Jane - Then what are you doing with the baby?
Spike picks up an expensive Tibetan urn in his other hand.
Spike - Let's do loot it together shall we?
Jane - I'm his sitter.
Spike clanks the urn down, letting it shatter.
Spike - No, you're not. I am.
Jane picks up the fish shaped phone.
Spike - What are you doing?
Jane - Calling Jimmy Smitts.
ABBY AND LARRY'S HOUSE
Abby enters wearing a daisy chain around her head and a ceremonial Hestian robe.
Abby - Hey, Jane. Where's Spike.
Jane - Is that what you're calling your kid nowadays?
Abby - No. The guy that was supposed to be babysitting with you is named Spike.
Jane - Oh, the guy with the cool hair that I had arrested.
Abby - You what?
Jane - Nobody told me that I was going to baby-sit with someone.
Abby - You didn't ask him who he was?
Jane - no.
Larry enters carrying many very big Ziploc bags of various plant leaves.
Larry - Where's my son? I brought him the left over marijuana from the ceremony!
Abby - You're not giving Harry pot!
Larry - No not him. My new son Spike!
Abby - He's in jail & who knows what awful things they're doing to him!
Jane - I gotta go. I locked the FedEx guy in the closet.
Jane takes a Ziploc bag with her.
Larry - They'd better not interrogate him in the room with the big light!
JAIL
Greg is waiting while the warden unshackles Spike.
Spike - Was that one of those bloody vengeance demons?
Greg - What?
Spike - You know, one of those nit female demons out for vengeance on all men.
Greg - Jane might as well be a demon.
Spike - Well, she was a damn hot daemon, I'll tell you that.
Greg looks somewhat sickened by the idea while he directs Spike who is covered with a blanket to the car.
Greg - You're one to talk blanket man.
Spike - You don't look at all good in your underpants either.
Greg stuffs Spike in the car and hurries to get in the car to prevent anymore awkward stares from the sheriff.
DHARMA AND GREG'S APARTMENT
Dharma is wringing her hands, watching Spike read her copy of The Vagina Monologues.
Dharma - I'm so sorry, Spike. I should have made sure that Jane knew that you were gonna be there.
Spike - I'm goin' back to the Hell Mouth.
Dharma - No, don't go! Just let me cleanse your aura!
Spike - Look! I don't need my bloody aura cleansed! I just need some quiet like any other self-respecting dead man!
Dharma - I'm sorry. I was just trying to fix you up with Jane. There had to have been something that you liked about her.
Spike thinks hard on this, making it look as if he's reading the book still.
Spike - Well, she had a nice ass.
Dharma - See? That's a start! I'll set up a date for you two. What is there for two people to do after dark?
Spike smirks behind his book.
Spike - Just tell her that I'll be over at ten.
Dharma - Okay! If you're going on a date, she should know more about you. What's your real name?
Spike - William the Bloody.
Dharma takes note on a flowery piece of paper.
Spike - What kind of a nit wrote this book. "Converse with your vagina daily"?
GOLF CLUB LOCKER ROOM
Pete is again playing with his balls.
Greg - Why are you doing that in here Pete? Put them away.
Pete again sadly puts his balls away.
Pete - You should try it some time. Might take your mind off that vampire that's sleeping on your couch.
Greg - He's not on the couch. He's sleeping in Abby and Larry's casket.
Edward comes in from the showers & disgustedly takes note of Pete taking out his balls again.
Edward - Where did Abby and Larry get a casket?
Greg - I think they accidentally dug it out of their garden.
Pete - Either way. You should get away or a while. Ya know. Just until he goes away.
Greg - Truthfully, it's not bothering me that much anymore.
Edward - I know what you mean. He's such a cool guy.
Pete - That's what I mean. I wouldn't want to risk loosing my wife to a guy as cool as him! Who cares that he's a vampire.
Greg - Well, Pete Jane went on a date with Spike last night.
Edward - I thought she had him arrested?
Pete - She had him arrested? I didn't get arrested until we'd been married a month.
Pete is still playing with his balls.
Edward - Why do you insist on doing that all the time?
Pete - I don't know what your problem is.
Greg - It's distracting! Watching you roll them between your fingers like that!
DHARMA AND GREG'S APARTMENT
Jane comes in the apartment without knocking.
Dharma - Jane! So tell me how it went! What did you do?
Jane - What do you think we did? We had sex.
Dharma - Great! That's such progress!
Jane rolls her eyes and starts to read The Vagina Monologues.
Jane - I'm not seeing him again.
Dharma - But why not?
Jane - Cause he's awful in bed. He forgot to tell me that he's impotent.
Dharma - Really? I feel so horrible for him.
Jane - Apparently, he's been neutered by the man.
Dharma - That's awful. They do that?
Jane drops the book in the trash on her way to the door.
Jane - I gotta go. I locked Spike in my closet. If I were you Dharma, I'd burn this book.
Greg walks in after Jane leaves.
Greg - Dharma? I have some news that's not going to make you very happy.
Dharma - Did Larry stick a fork down the toaster again?
Greg - No. Spike left.
Dharma - What? I wasn't done helping him yet!
Greg - He said that he'd come back when he had some money though to "Buy that casket off that bugger of a father you got"
Dharma tries to no avail to rip up The Vagina Monologues.
Dharma - When he comes back I am going to help him. Did you know that he's impotent?
Dharma is sitting on a log by a campfire holding a Ziploc baggie of tobacco leaves, pouting. Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer appears from the trees.
Spike - Who in the bloody hell are you?
Dharma - I'm Dharma Montgomery. Who are you?
Spike - Spike. What are you doing out here by yourself?
Dharma - Praising Diana. But nobody else showed up. What are you doing out here?
Spike - Looking for the cemetery. I need a crypt to sleep in.
Dharma - You want to sleep in the cemetery? I can't let you do that. You could go to the homeless shelter if you're in that much need.
Spike - Look, lady, I'm a vampire. I'm dead. It don't bother me.
Dharma - You can stay in my apartment then. We must welcome all spirits. Dead or alive.
DHARMA AND GREG'S APARTMENT/ KITCHEN
Greg has Nunsio on the island, trying to clip his toenails. Dharma skips in the room and tosses Nunsio on the floor.
Dharma - Be free, Nunsio! Wait until I tell Abby and Larry that I have a vampire!
Greg - Dharma! Are you so sure it's such a good idea to let him sleep on the couch?
Dharma - I agree that would be a horrible idea.
Greg - Good!
Dharma - He'll be sleeping in the old casket that Abby and Larry use on Halloween and the Day of the Dead and the Reenactment of Osiris' Resurrection.
Greg - He's a vampire!
Spike is playing with Stinky in the living room, googooing at him.
Greg - I don't want to have my blood sucked in the middle of the night!
Dharma - Now, Greg, you're too hard on him. Just because he's a vampire doesn't mean he's not a good person. Now you need to bond with him.
Greg - Bond with him? I've just met him. I don't want to have my blood sucked.
Dharma - Greg, relax. He's already explained to me that he can't drink from anybody. Now go talk to him.
DHARMA AND GREG'S APARTMENT/ LIVING ROOM
Greg saunters in trying to look cool. He runs into a side table and hops around painfully for a full five minutes as Spike plays with Stinky.
Spike - Would you calm down? You act like you have a hellbitch crawling down your drawers.
Greg - Excuse me?
Spike - Sit! Or go away. Whatever's your fancy.
Greg - Oh, yeah.
Greg sits on the couch, sitting on Stinky. He does the famous groin cover movement, to prevent injury in case Spike gets violent.
Greg - So... um... how about that Super Bowl?
Spike picks up Dharma's copy of The Vagina Monologues. Dharma comes in and pulls Stinky out from under Greg's butt.
Dharma - Greg, I'm going to Abby and Larry's with Spike. I left my purse there and Abby wants to hold a quick welcoming ceremony before breakfast.
ABBY AND LARRY'S HOUSE/ LIVING ROOM
Abby - Now, Spike, we would like to let you know that you are always welcome in our home.
Larry - Yes. Oh! Is your mother Anne Rice?
Larry tries to retrieve his bagel out of the toaster with a fork.
Dharma - Now, Larry, remember what happened the last time you did that?
Spike - I'm not sure I should be staying with you, Dharma. Greg seems as if he'll piss his pants whenever he sees me.
Dharma - Don't be silly! Greg just needs to get to know the other side of you that isn't a vampire. Get to know other cultures.
Abby - Why don't you have Edward set up a midnight tee time for the guys?
Larry - I'm a guy! I haven't been welcomed back since they found me bathing naked in a water hazard.
Abby - That's not so unprovoked.
GOLF COURSE
Larry putts blindly.
Larry - Par!
Spike - This is bloody stupid.
Spike shines his flashlight at Edward, who is teeing up. Edward is startled and whacks Larry with his club.
Spike - I can't see a thumpin' thing out here.
Greg - Sorry, but once Dharma gets an idea in her head there's nothing stopping her.
Greg puts his face about a foot to the ground, searching for the ball. Larry walks by and splashes mud in his face.
Edward - The same with Abby and Kitty.
Edward swings at his ball three times before hitting it.
Greg - What has Mom ever insisted on?
Edward - Well, just before I left she insisted that I wear pants. She told me not to tell any of the blood bank jokes I've been practicing because you're an Englishman and we don't want to offend you.
Spike - God-awful women!
Spike hits his ball as hard as possible and drives it into the trunk of a tree.
Larry - You have a woman?
Larry relieves himself in the nearby water hazard. Greg lurches as if to vomit.
Spike - Sort of.
Pete - Sorta?
Pete stumbles out from behind the tree Spike had driven the ball into, a large purplish lump on his forehead. He waves cheerily, as he wipes torrents of blood off his brow.
Spike - Long story.
Edward - Well we're not able to see the balls anyway so tell us.
Edward rips the scorecard into iddy biddy pieces. Larry starts nibbling on them.
Spike - Well, her name's Buffy. She was brought back to life last season, I mean year. So, we shag when she's supposed to be on patrol. Sure the town would feel a lot safer knowin' that the slayer is shaggin' a vamp instead of steakin' him.
Greg - You're dating a vampire slayer?
Spike - I didn't say we were dating. She hates me.
Pete - Still! You're sleeping with a slayer!
Spike - Stop playing with your balls, Pete! You want me to bloody thump you?
Pete disappointedly puts his balls away.
ABBY AND LARRY'S HOUSE/ LIVING ROOM
Abby - Oh, how sad.
Dharma - Doomed love. It explains so much. He's trying to make a new life for himself away from his doomed love life. Thank you for telling me, Larry.
Larry - No problem, sweetie. I've gotta go to the garage and look for the casket we kept from the Halloween party last year. I promised Spike he could sleep in it in returns that he baby-sits for Harry.
Larry wanders out a door.
Dharma - Actually, I promised it to him. Now I know that helping him is the right thing. I just have to figure out how.
Abby - Larry! The garage is the other way!
Larry wanders back in, gives her a thumbs up, and leaves out another door.
Abby - That's the bathroom, Larry!
Larry wanders back, gives her a thumbs up, and leaves out another door.
Abby - You could cleanse his aura for him until you can think of something.
Dharma - I think I will. But I've got a better idea.
Dharma waves and leaves. Larry wanders back in.
Larry - I'm sorry. That was the closet.
Larry finally leaves.
ABBY AND LARRY'S HOUSE
Spike is awkwardly holding baby Harry at arms length.
Spike - Hey, little bit.
Jane prances in, carrying a hatchet.
Spike - Who the hell is this? W hat do you want?
Jane brandishes the hatchet. Spike approaches calmly, baby Harry tucked under his arm.
Jane - What's it to you?
Spike - Look. If you're here to kill me and loot the place, I'm already dead and I don't own the place. God, I wish I did.
Jane - Then what are you doing with the baby?
Spike picks up an expensive Tibetan urn in his other hand.
Spike - Let's do loot it together shall we?
Jane - I'm his sitter.
Spike clanks the urn down, letting it shatter.
Spike - No, you're not. I am.
Jane picks up the fish shaped phone.
Spike - What are you doing?
Jane - Calling Jimmy Smitts.
ABBY AND LARRY'S HOUSE
Abby enters wearing a daisy chain around her head and a ceremonial Hestian robe.
Abby - Hey, Jane. Where's Spike.
Jane - Is that what you're calling your kid nowadays?
Abby - No. The guy that was supposed to be babysitting with you is named Spike.
Jane - Oh, the guy with the cool hair that I had arrested.
Abby - You what?
Jane - Nobody told me that I was going to baby-sit with someone.
Abby - You didn't ask him who he was?
Jane - no.
Larry enters carrying many very big Ziploc bags of various plant leaves.
Larry - Where's my son? I brought him the left over marijuana from the ceremony!
Abby - You're not giving Harry pot!
Larry - No not him. My new son Spike!
Abby - He's in jail & who knows what awful things they're doing to him!
Jane - I gotta go. I locked the FedEx guy in the closet.
Jane takes a Ziploc bag with her.
Larry - They'd better not interrogate him in the room with the big light!
JAIL
Greg is waiting while the warden unshackles Spike.
Spike - Was that one of those bloody vengeance demons?
Greg - What?
Spike - You know, one of those nit female demons out for vengeance on all men.
Greg - Jane might as well be a demon.
Spike - Well, she was a damn hot daemon, I'll tell you that.
Greg looks somewhat sickened by the idea while he directs Spike who is covered with a blanket to the car.
Greg - You're one to talk blanket man.
Spike - You don't look at all good in your underpants either.
Greg stuffs Spike in the car and hurries to get in the car to prevent anymore awkward stares from the sheriff.
DHARMA AND GREG'S APARTMENT
Dharma is wringing her hands, watching Spike read her copy of The Vagina Monologues.
Dharma - I'm so sorry, Spike. I should have made sure that Jane knew that you were gonna be there.
Spike - I'm goin' back to the Hell Mouth.
Dharma - No, don't go! Just let me cleanse your aura!
Spike - Look! I don't need my bloody aura cleansed! I just need some quiet like any other self-respecting dead man!
Dharma - I'm sorry. I was just trying to fix you up with Jane. There had to have been something that you liked about her.
Spike thinks hard on this, making it look as if he's reading the book still.
Spike - Well, she had a nice ass.
Dharma - See? That's a start! I'll set up a date for you two. What is there for two people to do after dark?
Spike smirks behind his book.
Spike - Just tell her that I'll be over at ten.
Dharma - Okay! If you're going on a date, she should know more about you. What's your real name?
Spike - William the Bloody.
Dharma takes note on a flowery piece of paper.
Spike - What kind of a nit wrote this book. "Converse with your vagina daily"?
GOLF CLUB LOCKER ROOM
Pete is again playing with his balls.
Greg - Why are you doing that in here Pete? Put them away.
Pete again sadly puts his balls away.
Pete - You should try it some time. Might take your mind off that vampire that's sleeping on your couch.
Greg - He's not on the couch. He's sleeping in Abby and Larry's casket.
Edward comes in from the showers & disgustedly takes note of Pete taking out his balls again.
Edward - Where did Abby and Larry get a casket?
Greg - I think they accidentally dug it out of their garden.
Pete - Either way. You should get away or a while. Ya know. Just until he goes away.
Greg - Truthfully, it's not bothering me that much anymore.
Edward - I know what you mean. He's such a cool guy.
Pete - That's what I mean. I wouldn't want to risk loosing my wife to a guy as cool as him! Who cares that he's a vampire.
Greg - Well, Pete Jane went on a date with Spike last night.
Edward - I thought she had him arrested?
Pete - She had him arrested? I didn't get arrested until we'd been married a month.
Pete is still playing with his balls.
Edward - Why do you insist on doing that all the time?
Pete - I don't know what your problem is.
Greg - It's distracting! Watching you roll them between your fingers like that!
DHARMA AND GREG'S APARTMENT
Jane comes in the apartment without knocking.
Dharma - Jane! So tell me how it went! What did you do?
Jane - What do you think we did? We had sex.
Dharma - Great! That's such progress!
Jane rolls her eyes and starts to read The Vagina Monologues.
Jane - I'm not seeing him again.
Dharma - But why not?
Jane - Cause he's awful in bed. He forgot to tell me that he's impotent.
Dharma - Really? I feel so horrible for him.
Jane - Apparently, he's been neutered by the man.
Dharma - That's awful. They do that?
Jane drops the book in the trash on her way to the door.
Jane - I gotta go. I locked Spike in my closet. If I were you Dharma, I'd burn this book.
Greg walks in after Jane leaves.
Greg - Dharma? I have some news that's not going to make you very happy.
Dharma - Did Larry stick a fork down the toaster again?
Greg - No. Spike left.
Dharma - What? I wasn't done helping him yet!
Greg - He said that he'd come back when he had some money though to "Buy that casket off that bugger of a father you got"
Dharma tries to no avail to rip up The Vagina Monologues.
Dharma - When he comes back I am going to help him. Did you know that he's impotent?