Note from ThisDude: In the following story there are elements of stronger than usual language, wall breaking and possible offensive themes. Please due take note of this and heed thy warnings. (Thank you VideoGameMaster for noting my lack of parental advisory labels)

"Rorikstead. I'm from Rorikstead." The strange man stated in sorrow. They were pitying themselves.

"Ugh! This is the worst, most boring wagon ride of my life!" I bellowed in complaint. The other two looked at me in disbelief but kept silent. Ulfric shifted to look away.

"Pipe down back there!" The carriage driver was obviously annoyed.

Note to self: Kill the Driver first.

We finally arrived to the cutting blocks of helgen. Stopping in front of one of the main guard towers. Helgen was already depressed looking. The housing was rickety and broken, made up of aged wood and twigs. The children were dressed in rags and the adults no better. The snow itself looked undignified, dingy and grey. At this point, Helgen was much worse than the Rift in the aspect of their standards of living. To top it off, they gave the small, beat and broken town a chopping block.

"Alright, fall in line!" The Imperials culled us up by wagon. As we slowly stumbled along the planks and on to solid ground the guy from Rorikstead became frantic.

"Wait! I'm not supposed to be here!" The strange man was in a panic and ran off. "I don't wanna die!"

"Archers!"

On cue, he was struck down as it rained death on him.

Idiot.

"What's your name?!" The Imperial woman barked at me.

"Hmmm..." I took a second to think who I was.

Hmm.. Nord? Imperial? I wish wookie was an option. Not red guard. I'm not even sure if the person writing this spelled it right. Maybe... Nope. Imperial equals money. Done. Male or female? Huh... don't want to be sexist, but I am speaking in first person but my narrator plays in third. Tough choice. Am I really having gender issues? 'Eff it I'm female. Proportions... nope just going to pick a name.

"My name is ghoti!" I proclaimed.

It was silent for a while.

"Fish?" One of the imperials asked.

"You spell it G-h-o-t-i." I said. "Its pronounced fish."

"How?"

"Well the g and h make an f sound like in the word tough-"

"To the block!"

I really hate this place.

I fell in line with the other prisoners. Peering around to see how tough and mighty the other guys looked compared to me. I noticed Ulfric again, hunched over and still muzzled, kinda like a puppy that got infested with fleas after being neutered. The other guy that was bumming out my mood was standing as proudly as ever. I wanted to spit at him but he was too far. There was one other stormcloak there, though I don't like characters that don't have names.

They called him up to the block first to my amusement.

As he went to the block the priestess started chanting a prayer before being interrupted by the stormcloak.

"Get on with it!" He proclaimed.

Thunk!

His head hit the wood and his body hit the floor nearly as fast as he interrupted the priestess. That one swift clean chop motion made me want the executioner's axe. As I bubbled in the thoughts of the many things I could kill with it a loud screeching roar bellowed into the sky breaking my train of thought.

"There it is again!" One of the Imperials stated.

"I said next prisoner!" The female imperial demanded.

"Alm-cay the itch-bay" I whispered to the first imperial that spoke as I passed by.

I stood in front of the cutting block staring down into the eyes of the guy executed before me.

"You want me to share a pillow with this ugly-"

The female kicked me in the back and I fell head first on the block. I was face to esophagus with the dead head. The executioner raised his axe high and mighty and held it in the air giving enough time for my dues ex machina.

As the axe was about to come down a dragon slammed on the tower above him. Shaking everything in sight. The esophagus even did a little dance, wobbling around before rolling away with it's head.

Things became hectic immediately. Captains were yelling commands prisoners and citizens alike were running amuck. Men were being burned alive near me. While this was happening I was standing there absently not really knowing what to do. Maybe if I don't move the dragon won't see me.

"C'mon! Follow me!" Yelled an imperial. And I did, what else was I going to do? Pretend I don't exist until the city is burned down? Bore the reader to death by going into stealth non-stop? That's about as interesting as watching a concert and you're deaf.

So following this random stranger we bobbed and weaved through the buildings, avoiding fire from the dragon and other imperials. We had the dragon land near us and swallow the guy next to us. Running along, ignoring the constant death around me, I had noticed a misplaced shoe. The misplaced shoe was sitting there totally inconspicuous. I looked up and the soldier guiding me was gone. I couldn't believe he ditched me for being distracted by a shoe! It was a nice shoe too!

I picked up the shoe and ran off in one direction flying head first into the annoying stormcloak that rode the wagon with me.

"Follow me!" He cried. As I got back up I spit in his face and ran off to find the other guy.

That ought to teach him to bring my mood down.

I soon caught sight of the other soldier and he motioned me inside of the tower he was standing in front of. When he slammed the door shut he motioned behind me and began unbinding me.

"Sorry about the binding thing. I know you weren't on the list but my captain can be a bitch." He finished unbinding me before continuing. "By the way what's the shoe fo-"

I slapped him with the shoe as hard as I could.

"That's for leaving me when I'm distracted by shoes!"