Certainly Not Christmas Spirit. Oneshot because it's almost Christmas. Hooray for that. I even skipped school today to get this story done. Actually that wasn't why but I thought that since I skipped I should do something besides sleep. Well then, the story is a good mixture of cheap pick up lines, amazing alcoholic drinks, and a twisted ending for all to enjoy. Inspired from the Christmas spirit and these fabulous drinks! Reviews a very nice also… Hint, hint, hint. It would be a nice present.

Hopefully, you will enjoy!

Rated M for the usual in all of my stories, use of tobacco, alcohol, implies sex, and lots and lots of cursing. Yes, before you ask, all of the drinks in here are real drinks! No I'm not a bartender but I'm sure that I'll be one sometime in my life.

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts or any of its characters.

Christmas Eve

"Fucking weather!" It was just too damn cold out here. Winter? Yeah, I hear that it's supposed to be cold but this is ridiculous! My goddamn nipples could be used to cut glass, and that's saying something! Better yet, I could sculpt ice sculptures! How long have I been standing out waiting for the bus for? Five? Ten minutes? I couldn't even get my damn lighter to work out here! A smoker with nothing to light a cigarette with was something no one really wanted to witness this holiday season. No Christmas special. Nothing. Hopefully I'm actually awake and breathing and not frozen solid in the middle of the road.

The snow was falling down so hard that you could barely see a foot in front of you. Maybe the bus already passed and I just didn't notice it. Could be probable. Sadly, but true. Shit, maybe the bus crashed and they won't be running anymore. How am I supposed to get where I'm going now? This is just my luck. It's all those happy holiday couples. Seriously. Who actually believes that you can travel by bus with ten presents in your lap the whole way?

After a few more minutes of standing out in the cold, I decided to walk the six blocks to the bar I need to be. Six fucking blocks. In the cold. In a blizzard. Damn, hasn't anyone heard of salt? I'm about to bust my ass out here and no one will really give a shit about it.

Christmas wasn't one of my favorite times of the year, as many of you may see thus far. Oh boy, I could not even remember the last time I thought, 'Wow, maybe I will frolic through the snow,' or the al too famous, 'I get to see my family!' No. Hell no. I hate all of you. So now you see that the snowing up to my ass part is not the only reason that I'm acting like a bastard. That's just a thought. Another thing. I -surprisingly- didn't even like the gifts that people give. Mainly it's to earn some sort of respect for how shitty they treated you throughout the year. No, it's something that's on the bottom of my 'Important List' as you can see. Ebenezer Scrooge can kiss my sweet candy cane ass…

Now, it's Christmas Eve and all these people are out doing last minute shopping because they were too lazy to do it before. That should give people a wake up call about how important the people you are shopping for are to you. You're going to wait till the last minute to buy something fantastic for them, and guess what? They are all out of stock now. Aw, too bad for you. Go dig yourself your fine, fine hole and wither away, you cheap little lowlife.

Eh, sorry… I'm usually never like this. It's just the goddamn holidays.

"Ehh… Why does it seem like I'm getting nowhere?" I looked around at the crowds of people that were still bustling about. They were rushing past me in and out of stores. Some assholes ended up bumping into me, his powerful shoulder making me meet the floor. A freaking circus, if you ask me. However, everything was not all bad. Four blocks down, two to go. What sucks is that I'm an half an hour late already and that my date probably had already left with some other guy. That's just like her, the slut.

I don't even know why she wanted to go out tonight. Tonight! Christmas Eve! Dragging my ass out of bed? She should know that it's hell for me to just leave my apartment, let alone traveling anywhere else. Shouldn't she been with her family on some tropical island, or something? She waves enough money around to buy one at least.

Aw, good. I can see the bar ahead. Ha, and look! There goes my date talking it up with some other guy! Not just talking it up! Oh no… She had his coat on and he had his arm around her skinny little waist. Fine and fucking dandy. I just walked all the way here for nothing? Bullshit!

Acting as if I didn't notice that my date had just walked off with some other guy, I walking into the bar and sat myself down at the counter. Hey, if I'm here, I should at least get drunk. Plus, I liked this place. It was my own little getaway of some sort. The bar didn't have anything Christmassy about it. Just warm, with rock music, and dimly lit like I like it.

I already had my cigarettes out and tried getting my lighter to work. Turns out that trying it outside all that time had emptied it completely. No more liquid for me… Shit. Quickly, I snatched a lighter that was on the other side of the counter that was the bartender's. Zippo lighter. Classy. Much better than my own that I buy in packs of five at the Dollar Store. I light the cigarette and blew out a puff of smoke halfheartedly. Hm, she wouldn't notice it.

"Hey there stranger. How s'bout I get you your favorite drink, hm?"

At the voice, my head titled upwards towards her breasts that were behind the counter and directly in my line of view. They weren't that hard to miss and you could easily tell who they belonged to. Gradually, my eyes wondered up to her face. Yeah, I knew that my premonitions were correct… But she did seem utterly happy for some reason. Huh, who knew why? All that I really knew was that she didn't noticed that I just kiped her lighter. "That's great."

I also noticed that she looked a bit different too. Her long black hair was pulled back in a messy bun and the red streaks looked like blood in the lighting. Not to mention her eyes… Her attire was of a skin tight band tee-shirt that I really was not found of but did her justice by looks and what looked like some guy's jeans. Seriously, did someone lose them or did she actually steal them off of someone. However, I was missing the fishnets…

Before she could walk off, I spoke. "I have two questions for you. One: what kind of gift did you receive to be this fucking happy? And number two: can I get some?" I leaned my elbow on the counter as I watched her hips sway as she walked in the other direction. Dude, no wonder I can't keep a fucking stable relationship… "It's certainly not Christmas spirit, if you ask me."

Grabbing a glass off the shelf behind her, she casually turned back towards the all-so-awaiting me. She shrugged at my remark, a small teasing smirk playing at her lips. "It only depends on how you take in the context of those words."

I tapped my fingers on the counter continuously. Hell, when she starts getting a better love life than me, it means that something has to be wrong… But of course I was the idiot who couldn't keep a relationship even if his life depended on it. Poor me. Now I noticed that she was already gone off to get me my drink. Oh well, not like we had anything else to talk about besides sex.

"One shot of Tie Me To A Bedpost please."

On that note of sexual deviants… I spun around on my barstool towards the voice to my left. It was casual, trying not to scare the living shit out of this guy. He was young, but not as young as his voice made him seem. Pedophilish much? To go with his light skin, the kid had bright ocean blue eyes and blond messy hair. Looked a little on the short side, but I couldn't tell since he was sitting down. The look on his face looked of nothing but misery.

Damn, I thought I had a shitty day.

"I think that you'll need much more than that, kid." His head turned towards my direction, looking a little pissed that I said anything about his decision. I could not hold back my laugh at the expression. Other's misery did not give me pure joy, only when their annoyed with me. "Hey! Give the kid the specialty."

Even though there was a seat in between us, I could hear the melodramatic sigh he let out in annoyance.

While she was gradually tending to the drinks, I thought that maybe I could make a tiny bit of conversation with the kid. Even if he was having a shit filled day and I was making it worse, I had to at least attempt to make him happier. Or at least believe that I was. Those little tiny unimportant details shouldn't really matter to me, should it? "So, what is a kid like you doing in a place like this at this time of night?"

He ran a hand through his blond spikes before pinching his nose as if he had a headache. "That is the shittiest pick up line that I've ever heard of."

"Ouch." Right after I said it, our drinks were already in front of us. The glass hitting the bar made my attention get pulled away for a brief second before it settled down on the blond again. The kid looked offensively over the glass in front of him like it would explode if he touched it. Who knows, I may throw my glass at him if he doesn't stop acting like there's a stick up his ass. "It's not bad."

His blue eyes watched as I downed the whole entire glass. I raised an eyebrow at the intensive stare down between me and him. Then he broke the stare to pick up his own glass and take a long drink.

A smirk slide across my face at the look on his face after he was finished his first swallow. "See, kid. I told ya. It wasn't that bad, now was it?"

Of course, he didn't answer me all at once. He just had to spend a few seconds to stare down at the glass. It was as if he hadn't been drinking long. The alcohol probably was new for him. When he did decide that it was time to answer, he didn't even look in my direction. "What was the name of that drink?"

Just because I wouldn't be myself without being an ass, I waiting for him to take another drink before replying. "Bend Me Over."

Yup, and there goes the drink, all over the nice clean counter. I watched as he choked on the liquid for a little while before he eventually got a hold of himself. In my mind I imagined what I must have looked like when he turned to give me an evil glare. "Excuse me?"

"It's called 'Bend Me Over.' You don't like it?" His mouth opened to criticize me again but then quickly decided against it. Suppressing a laugh, I watched as he closed his eyes and shook his head shamefully. "Well, you're the one who first ordered 'Tie Me To A Bedpost.'"

Again, he opened his mouth to fight fire with fire, but someone else interrupted his actions. "Do you want to order another round of drinks, you two? Or are you just going to waste it all over the counter once more?"

She must have already cleaned up the mess because the counter was clean once again. Good as new, if you asked me. Not even looking at the kid, I could tell that he was glaring directly at me. Maybe it was a sixth sense. His eyes probably spoke the words 'I'm not paying for that.' "We'll have another round, my pay."

She only shrugged, probably happy that she was going to get paid today. I bet she was getting pretty upset all the times that I had told her 'put it on my tab' during the past year or so. Hadn't I promised her that paying her back would be my Christmas present to her? Not really a Christmas present, but more of a "Lets never speak of this again' present. I'm so far into debt I wouldn't know where to start with paying people back. Well, when you're in debt, you drink. She helped me out by making me drunk so I wouldn't worry about getting a real job. I think I owe her something…

I spun around to face my entire body to the other. Just as I expected from him, he was equip with an unpleasant look upon his boyish face. "Are you trying to get me fucking drunk or are you just this creepy as a person?"

Hell, I doubt that he really wanted to hear the answer to that, so of course, I didn't reply. Maybe I let out a chuckle or two, but I did not reply. Instead, I looked up and down his body, studying his figure. "How old are ya, kid?"

"I'm guessing you're just a creeper."

Lazily, I rested my cheek on my hand, while waiting on the drinks to arrive. I must look like a clumsy drunk already and I'm not even near drunk yet. Oh well, sorry for their poor judgment. Yawning, I looked over some of the other customers who were having their own little conversations. Not as interesting as the one I'm in, I would suppose. "Seriously, kid. You don't look a day over twenty."

At that, he even threw in that extra special eye roll to go along with the groan of displeasure. Two for one special. "I'm not even sure that you realize what you are saying." Although, he hated this conversation and hated me, he uttered, "I turned twenty-one a few months ago."

A glass had appeared in front of each of us. I held onto the glass but didn't take a drink. The kid was taking small drinks now, not risking anything to happen like last time. Not like I would do it a second time. "So kid, when's your birthday?"

Surprisingly, he just stared into his glass, swirling the liquid around a few times. The expression on his face was unchanging. "Next question is my phone number, right?"

"Saving that after 'Where do you like to go out to eat?'."

He took a quick sip before continuing to swirl the liquid around. "October thirteenth."

"Ah. Mine's April eighth." So, was he going to answer everything I ask now? Did he really not care that much? Maybe he's imagining that he's in a better place right now and not talking to a stranger in a bar on Christmas Eve. Doesn't that make you feel better about your life? "So what has got ya down, kid?"

The look on his face would have been priceless if it didn't scare the living shit out of me at the same time. He wasn't even looking at me and I felt the urge to jump out of my seat and get the hell out of here. If his head started rotating, then I am getting the fuck out of this city as well as this bar. "Besides the part of being asked all these questions by a creeper?"

We put our glasses out and I motioned for another round. I turned again to face him, sitting in my lazy position again. I was starting to get cramps in my lower back and wanted to go relax on a seat with a back to it. Amazing. I'm such an old man. "Yeah, you can scratch that part."

"I lost my job today."

I ran a hand through my own hair this time, wondering what was going through his mind right now. Hell, if I lost my job today, I would have done more things than just get drunk in a bar. It's Christmas Eve for Christ's Sake! I've lost a job before but it was never on a holiday. If I even had a job, I wouldn't even be working the holidays! What is wrong with these crazy people? "Wow, kid. Sorry, I didn't know."

As a response, he sunk his head down lower. "Forget it."

I watched him as he began rubbing his temples, and laughed as a thought came into my mind. Slowly, he turned to face me. "Well, if it makes you feel any better, I was late for a date and I got there just in time to see her walk out with another guy."

"Oh, that just makes my life so much more enjoyable." New drinks out in front. Heami must be getting faster or business must be getting slower. There was no way of telling at the moment.

We drank this round in silence and set the empty glasses out. The silence was really getting on my nerves. Quickly, I moved over one seat to be right next to the kid. I expected the kid to be mad about it or annoyed, but he acted as if he didn't even care. Or notice. He simply set his head down on the counter as I thought of something to talk about.

"So… A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one." Now is when I realize that I may be a tiny bit tipsy. Just a mild thought. "The bartender gives it to him and says 'That'll be twenty-five dollars.' A minute later the bartender is making conversation and says, 'Ya know, we don't get many gorillas round these parts.' The gorilla replies, 'At those prices I'm not surprised.'"

The kid looked up to be greeted by me with a hopeful smile plastered on my face. He raised an eyebrow and turned his face towards me, resting his head on his arm. Not amused in the least bit, he says, "Okay then. Shoot."

"Alrightly then…A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. Looking at the string, the bartender said, 'Sorry, we don't serve strings.' 'What? That sucks,' said the string. So the string walks into the bathroom and ties himself up and messes up his ends. A couple moments later he comes back out and approaches the bar again and again orders a drink. 'Hey, aren't you that string?' asks the bartender. 'Nope. I'm a frayed knot.' Get it? A frayed knot? Afraid not?"

He stared at me with a deadpanned expression. "That was even worse that the first one." We both nodded thanks to the bartender as she set our glasses down. Ha, bitch! Didn't sneak up on us this time! The kid took his drink and drank as he listened to the upcoming joke.

"Hold on, hold on… I have a better one. A guy walked into a bar with an octopus. He sat the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus, and he can play any instrument in the world. Everyone in the crowd laughs at him. So he says he will wager fifty dollars to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walked up with a guitar and sat it beside the octopus. The octopus started playing better than Jimi Hendrix. So the man paid his fifty dollars. Another guy walked up with a trumpet, the octopus played the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man paid his fifty dollars. A third guy walked up with bagpipes. He sat them down and the octopus fumbled with it, looking confused. 'HA!', the man said, 'can't you play it?' The octopus looked up at the man and said, 'Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I get its pajamas off.'"

I paused for a moment waiting for a reaction. His blue eyes stared at me with an interesting gaze. He was holding back, I just knew he was. Any minute now, I would realize how he actually looked with an enjoyable expression on his face.

A few seconds later, a small, almost unnoticeable smirk appeared across his face. "I can't believe that you actually think you're hilarious. I just don't see it."

"Then what's with that smirk on your face."

At that, he straightened himself up, almost trying to match my height while sitting down. His expression had dropped. "Smirk? What smirk? I would only be smirking if you were to get hurt. That would be one fantastic joke."

I let out a chuckle at that remark. "Sadistic… I like that."

He finished his drink and set it out again. When he turned towards me, he still had an odd look to him. "Creeper."

"But, do I have to remind you, my dear friend…?" An eyebrow rose from that, but he still let me continue without any form of an objection. Surprising. It just might be the drink talking. "That you were the one who ordered a drink with the name of 'Tie Me To A Bedpost."

With a short shrug, he replied, "Maybe you needed to pay more attention in school because it would have meant that I'm a masochist."

If it was even possible, I believed that my smirk grew even wider at that. What kind of school did he go to? Hell, I was having fun with this. Maybe too much fun at the moment. "So you're trying to tell me that you're actually a masochist then?"

He took a drink of his new glass, almost choking without me saying anything to actually cause it this time. Was he some kind of klutz or something? Oh, wait. How many of those drinks has he been drinking? It's better to drink that night away than to feel miserable, I know that from experience. Still, showing up at an ex's house in four in the morning isn't something you get used to once you're drunk.

"I'm not trying to tell you anything, asshole."

I rubbed my chin in habit as I though some things over. What's a good question? "So, kid. Don't you have to be heading home later, or somethin'? Have someone worrying about ya on Christmas Eve?"

As his only response, he shook his head and took a drink.

Damn, was he really alone in this city? Doesn't he have any family to go to or does his family not get along like mine does? Hell, I have a brother and I haven't talked to him in ten years or so. "No family at all?"

"Nope."

"Ah…" Out of awkwardness, I started on my own drink. The bar looked almost empty now and the bartender was cleaning some glasses and putting them back on the shelves. It seemed she always did this when she was bored. Beats me that she hasn't permanently damaged the glasses. Two more drinks later, he still acted like the alcohol wasn't doing anything for him. His words were nice and clean not slurred at all. But his actions were what told you that he had too much to drink. When we got another round, he tried picking up the glass and failed, letting it fall and roll off the counter.

"Woah there, Hattiil-o," The bartender interjected when she was about to walk into the back room. I could barely make out what was really going on because of the number of drinks I had. The kid even had more than me and he was still attempting to wither away in more.

"Uh, sorry about that." He rubbed his forehead with the palms of his hands. "I think I've had one too many…"

She smirked like she knew something that I did not. It was quite creepy if you asked me. "Well, I'll say! I think that you've had five too many, buster." While talking to him, she tried to wipe up the whole entire mess that the kid had made, which was quite a lot. Why did she have a smirk planted on her face though? Did she find cleaning that damn interesting? I can't tell… My brain can't work this fast right now.

Next thing I know, the kid tries to bring himself to his feet. Epic fail. After he falls, all I could hear is the laugher coming from the one behind the counter and the ringing in my ears after I hit the hardwood floor.

"Shit, kid. What do you think you're doing?" Of course, I don't think that's really what came out of my mouth, but that's what I meant to say. Just to keep the record straight. We both were helped up by the woman and found that the kid was barely with us then. Carefully, -or at least what I thought was carefully- I shook the kid's shoulder., trying to wake him up. "Kid?"

The one who was still trying to hold him upright groaned. Sometimes, it was a hard job being a bartender. "For a short guy he's actually pretty heavy." Carefully, she set him down on the floor, his back against the counter. "Maybe you guys should share a cab."

I only nodded, staring down at the passed out kid in front of me. A few seconds later, she was gone, calling a cab for us. Damn, I wonder where the kid lives. I didn't get to that question yet. "Don't worry, kid. I'm not actually a creeper once you really get to know me."

There was no response. His breathing was slow and his face had a hint flushed look upon it. Probably from all the alcohol. He really must have had a bad day to drink so much. I hope that he'll be okay…

It took awhile but the cab finally came. Our knight in shining armor bartender helped both of us out of the bar and waved to us when the cab left. Oh shit… Did I ever pay her for the drinks? Shit. I'll see her tomorrow morning- since she doesn't close the bar on Christmas- and give her the money. Can't believe that slipped my mind.

"Where to?"

I looked down at the kid, then up at the taxicab driver. Who knows? Maybe the kid won't be so pissed if he woke up somewhere he doesn't know. In an apartment of someone he didn't really know. I pointed to the buildings out the window. "Let us off right up that hill near those apartments."

"Will do."

I wonder where this will lead us…

The Next Night- Christmas

I skipped waiting for the bus today, just walking right past the stop without a care in the world. Of course they aren't going to run! Are you crazy? It's Christmas for fucking Christ's Sake! Instead I walked all the way to the bar, whistling Christmas tunes on my way there. The first thing I noticed was that the snow had lightened up a bit. The owners of the houses and stores had put salt out on the sidewalk making it much easier to walk on without busting my ass. Plus no one was out and about because it was the holidays and they were all inside probably having their Christmas dinners. The time to spend time with the ones you care about.

Like always, it took a little while to get to the bar, but once I was there I was greeted with alcohol, rock music, and warmth. There was only a few of the usual customers at separate tables drinking but barely anyone was there. The bartender was cleaning some glasses behind the counter, a pleasant smile on her face. This was something new.

Before I sat down at the bar in my usual spot, her eyes were scanning up and down my body. A long whistle escaped her lips, making me chuckle suddenly. "Look at you. All spiffy and looking sharp. The holidays do get to people. You got a date or something, buster?"

"No. No date." Suddenly, I started whispering under my breath as if I was unsure of it. It really wasn't like it was a date. He certainly would not consider it a date, would he. No, he would just call it 'having drinks with a creeper.' "It's just that the kid said that he would be here tonight. Doesn't have anyone else to spend the holidays with, you see. So… he wanted to grab a few drinks with me."

All she really did about that was nodded and say, "Stalker-ish."

"No, no it's not stalker-ish. I mean, we really don't know each other so we just decided this morning to- go out. Because well… He was at my place and…" Hell, I'm wording this wrong, aren't I? We really aren't going out because he doesn't even like me like that. I don't even know if he likes guys. But he didn't freak out when he woke up on my couch as I had half-expected him to. He really didn't have a problem with it that I could see. "Not 'go out' but… And he was at my place because… You know what I mean… But it's not at all stalker-ish." I sighed, "Why am I even defending myself…? Usually I'm perverted as hell about these kinds of things… What the hell is wrong with me today?"

Her movements were halted completely to look at me, and then she busted out into an insane fit of laughter. "I wasn't meaning you, idiot!" Her face was red and she was looking as if this was the funniest moment in her whole entire life. "I was meaning the kid!"

"How is he stalker-ish?"

"Well…" She batted her eyelashes innocently, leaning over on the counter in front of me. "He's always around here, always ordering a Tie Me To A Bedpost. So when I was making your guys' drinks…" My eyes widened, wondering what was I suppose to expect from this. Why didn't I know that she was some conniving little sneak? "When I was making your guys' drinks… I didn't put alcohol in his."

"Wait… What?" That was not what I wanted to say, but my jaw was already on the floor at that time to mutter anything out. It took a while for me to take in everything. So the kid was not actually drunk the whole time? Why the hell would those two play me like that? I could have only imagined the look on my face right then. Probably looking like the idiot that I was. "What the hell are you trying to tell me?"

"He knew it too." I watched as she traced her fingers over the edge of the counter idly. Her thoughts gradually coming out into the open. "I kept getting some strange glances over form him, but I knew that he would thank me in the end." Sighing, she explained, "I really didn't want to see the poor kid drunk for the holidays. I figured, since he was speaking with you the whole time, that he would have more fun sober."

There was a part of me that wanted to ask her what she thought would be the fun part. Me? Me having fun with the kid? A little bow chicka wow wow? No, not with the kid. Not if he was drunk. "So, he wasn't actually drunk?"

"Dry as a bone."

Just then I noticed that someone sat down beside me. "What are you guys talking about?"

At that, she walked off smiling away to herself. She was practically dancing on air as she confessed the whole plot to me. I'm so glad that she was having the time of her life. I was still recovering from the slight heart attack that I just had. I turned to the blond beside of me. "Oh, nothing at all, Roxas."

"No kid remark… Well, that was something new." Again, he was showing no form of emotions at all, like when I first met him yesterday. "So how was your Christmas going, Axel."

"And no asshole comment." I hummed as I thought about it. "Eh… I think I like my name better. Only slightly, though." I chuckled lightly at my own comment. Why the hell did I lose my nerve all of a sudden? Tome to break out the same old Axel that everyone knows and loves. "Oh, my Christmas is going good… But it's going to get a whole lot better real soon."

He raised an eyebrow at the remark, and then shrugged it off. The bartender had already gotten our drinks and set them down on the counter. The usual? When he reached out for his glass, I pushed the drink further out of his reach. Confused, he shot me a strange glance. "What was that for?"

I only smirked and pushed the glasses back at her, who too, had a confused look on her face. "I don't think we'll be needing those tonight." He opened his mouth in protest but I cut him off before he could say anything about it. "I think that we should get a taste of something else.

"Okay then, boys. What'll it be?"

"Absolute Sex." With that, she just nodded once with a knowing smirk arising on her features. As she walked away, I couldn't hold back the grin of my own. That's when I turned to the blond who was staring at me curiously and added, "And I don't mean the drink."

-End of Oneshot- The end. Hooray for that. The ending wasn't the original ending but I really wanted to use the drink at the end. I really do hope that you all liked it and hopefully all of you will have happy holidays. Some people just need some more Christmas Sprit.

Review if you wish! Don't be afraid to press that pretty review button!

YourConscience813