Shepard slumped against the side of the lift, her helmet in her hands. The Reapers had been defeated on Rannoch, but for her, it was a hollow victory. Always she was faced with tough choices; it was always up to HER to fix things. The slight hitch of the lift stopping brought Shepard out of her reverie slightly and she lifted her head to trudge into her cabin.
Not even bothering to take her armor off she stepped into the shower and shoved her head under the slowly warming spray. She shivered as the water slipped between her armor and the padded uniform underneath, cooling her heated skin. The tiles below her were slowly turning a red-brown as the blood and dust from her time on the planet streamed down her body. Shepard lifted her head up towards the spigot, washing away the silent tears that had fallen.
An insistent buzz sounded through the bathroom door and she growled with irritation. "EDI," she snapped. "Who the hell is outside my door?"
EDI's reply was cool and unfazed by her angry irritation. "Doctor T'soni wishes to speak with you privately Commander." She paused uncertainly, the comm line buzzing slightly. "Shall I tell her that you are busy?"
Shepard heaved a sigh, her head giving a muted thunk against the wall. "No EDI, let her in. But if anyone else comes, tell them to go the hell away."
"Aye Commander," The comm shut off and she could hear the doors to her cabin "shick" open. A moment later a tentative knock sounded at her bathroom door.
"Shepard?" Liara's dulcet voice was wary as she called to her bondmate. "Shepard please, may I come in?"
Shepard stepped out of the spray and palmed open the lock and the door opened silently, Liara's face filled with a combination of worry and love. Shepard was sure she looked like a mess, her hair soaked and bun heavy with the accumulated water, frizzed hair plastered to the side of her face; her uniform peeking out of her gorget and hanging limply over it, the tips dripping water slowly. She knew her eyes were bloodshot and, try as she might, her lower lip would not stop trembling.
"If you've come to yell at me don't bother. You couldn't say anything worse than what I've already said to myself." Shepard gave a bitter sob before turning back to the water, cursing as the now scalding water splashed onto her face. Her hand shot out and turned the heat down before the same hand curled into a fist and slammed into the wall above the knob. The force of her punch cracked the tiles, spider silk thin fractures radiating from the point of impact.
"I tried Li," Shepard choked before turning a grief stricken face to Liara. "I tried so goddamn hard to catch her, to stop her from jumping." Shepard's body shook as she suppressed the sobs that were raging to come out. "She was over the edge before I knew what she was doing."
The sight of her friend's mangled body on the rocks below came unbidden to her mind and she screamed, venting her anger, pain and loss in one long howl that she was certain the entire lower deck could hear. She crumpled and Liara rushed to catch her before her head cracked on the tile. It was disconcerting to see Shepard so emotional, being the hard ass that she was. But when the dead body was that of a long-time friend, Liara supposed it was different. She had not been there when Tali had thrown herself off the edge, or when Legion sacrificed herself. Garrus had broken the news to the squad of Mordin's death, the rest of the ship finding out as the news traveled. Liara had only known that Thane had died when Shepard came back from Huerta numb and nearly mute.
"You had a choice Shepard," Liara started, holding Shepard close and rocking her. She would have continued but Shepard interrupted her.
"It's always up to ME to choose isn't it?" Shepard spat acidly, roughly wrenching herself out of Liara's grasp and on her feet, storming out to her bedroom. Liara blinked and then slowly stood to follow Shepard, who was violently ripping off her armor and throwing the pieces against the bulkhead.
"Up to ME to decide if the Council lives or dies, to choose between Anderson and Udina for the Council, up to ME to choose Cerberus over the Alliance. IT'S ALWAYS ME!" Shepard's eyes were wild and burning, the cybernetics in her eyes glowing red with her fury. "Why couldn't it have been Miranda, or Garrus or hell ever YOU," she pointed at Liara, her glove half off. "No, could never be anyone else, just ME."
Liara stood out of the line of fire as the gauntlets, greaves and other pieces bounced off of the bulkhead and clattered to the floor. A glove hit the hologram displaying her available armor options and it sputtered as the projector was jostled. When Shepard sat on the edge of her bed, she stopped and buried her face in her hands, crying softly.
Slowly, knowing how volatile Shepard was at that moment, Liara made her way down the stairs from her office to stand in front of her. Liara made sure to not touch her, though her white boots were clearly in Shepard's line of sight if she opened her eyes. Eventually she did, and reached out one hand and drew Liara closer, wrapping her arms around the Asari's thighs and burying her face in Liara's stomach.
"I'm so damn tired Liara," Shepard's voice was muffled against the fabric of Liara's uniform. "So damn tired and all I want to do is say screw it and leave." Liara's head snapped down and she took a breath to speak but before she could Shepard started again. "But I can't… I KNOW I can't. We're not finished yet and I'll be damned if I don't see this to the end. I owe it to Tali, to everyone."
Shepard looked up at Liara and reached up for her face, and with her eyes misting with tears of her own, Liara bent her head to kiss Shepard. They fell back into bed and Shepard's anger quickly turned into another form of passion. They both knew that it wasn't the answer, but took the solace that they needed in each other's bodies.
With the Quarian fleet chased out of the system, there was no way to return Tali's body back to the Quarians, and Shepard was sure that if the Normandy DID track down the Migrant Fleet they'd attack the ship on sight. So she did the next best thing.
At the spot where they had first touched down, a hole had been dug and a sleek silver capsule was being lowered into it. The entire crew of the Normandy stood around the site, Shepard standing opposite her crew. Geth Primes stood on the rock formations, observing the proceedings with interest. Legion's body had been repurposed, though the piece of N7 armor that he had used to repair himself was in a sealed display case in Shepard's cabin. The Geth didn't fully comprehend why the organics had a need to bury ones dead at first, until it was explained to them.
Perhaps because of Legion's experiences with Shepard and the rest of the crew, they allowed the Normandy crew to bury Tali on Rannoch instead of a normal burial in space. Their only condition was that there was a presence to observe and record the event, since it was part of their history as well, the Burial and Honoring of a Creator as one Prime called it.
Shepard looked over the men and women that gathered around and swallowed hard. Liara gave a small smile and nod of encouragement. With a deep breath Shepard began to speak.
"Tali was a great and valued member of this crew, and a friend to many. She was instrumental in many missions and someone that I came to call friend." She forced back the tears that began to form, blinking hard. "I met her in the Markets of the Citadel, and watched her grow into a strong and powerful woman…"
Her speech went on and when she stopped, several others spoke before shovels were broken out. No one knew for certain what Quarian funeral traditions were, but everyone agreed that it felt right to bury her on her homeworld. After everyone had shoveled a little bit of dirt and rock over the casket, Shepard returned to the head of the grave and took a small holo marker from Liara. She knelt down and placed it on the ground, pressing a button and stepping back as a hologram bust of Tali shimmered into place.
Her voice came on next, and a recording that EDI had recovered started to play.
"After time adrift among open stars / Along tides of light and shoals of dust /, I will return to where I belong. Keelah Se'lai."
Liara leaned her head against Shepard's shoulder as she lowered her head.
"Keelah Se'lai, Tali'Zorah vas Rannoch." Sensing her crew wander off Shepard turned her head to Liara and embraced her, letting her tears fall freely.