Morty clasped his hands and writhed. "Summer, what are we going to do? Grandpa Rick's dead!"

Rick lay on the ground non-moving, face-down. He had a laser wound in his back. They had been fighting Alien Mob, and Morty was terrified.

"Chill, Morty," said Summer, looking anything but. "We'll fix your memory later."

"Riiiiick!" tried Morty again, yanking his grandpa's hair upwards and yelling in his ear. "Wake up, grandpa, we need to go home now!"

They had made it to an alleyway with a fire escape above them. Unlike Earth alleys, this was brightly-coloured and looked rich.

Summer knelt down and frisked Rick's jacket for the portal gun, and a few of his other inventions. She handed them in a heap to Morty. He dropped them all and picked them up again, quaking with fear.

She took the portal gun, set it to home, and aimed it at Rick. He flopped through. She jumped through, and so did Morty before the Alien Mob discovered them.

The portal closed.

It was a few days later. Beth had held a funeral for her father Rick, and said a few words that were still rattling around in Morty's head.

"We can never do without him."

An idea came to Morty. He picked up the fabled portal gun and fired it at the wall. He stepped through.

The Council of Ricks were not pleased. "He died how?!"

"Running away," explained Morty. His voice was quiet in the hush.

"He should have died fighting!" exclaimed one. He had a mohawk and a pierced nose.

One with a ponytail said, "Don't fret. We'll give you a new Rick. Someone special who isn't capable of 'running away', if that's what you're used to."

"He got into trouble with an Alien Mob. Owed them money, after he researched a time travel gun, sir." Morty shuffled his feet.

"Did he complete it?"

"No, sir."

The Rick sniffed. "We'll give you..." he looked down a list. "...that can't be right. It reads 'Ricki', like Ricki Lake."

"He could be transsexual?" offered up one with a dented fringe and a bald head. "Transsexual Rick. It has a ring to it."

"We'll give you this 'Ricki'," said the Head Rick. He brought down his gravel. "Case dismissed."

Morty frantically waited outside for Ricki. She appeared, wearing high heels. Morty wondered if she was transsexual or just a woman.

"Hello, uh, grandma!" he tried. He waved.

She waved back. She swung a handbag down. "My back is killing me!" she said, frowning and turning on one heel to have a look downwards. "I think it's the heels."

Her voice was high-pitched. Could be transsexual...

Then, as she bent over, Morty noticed she had tits. He tried not to drool, or get the hots for her. That would be disturbing.

She opened her purse and rummaged through. She put it down. She turned to him.

"Have you seen my lipstick, by any chance? It's blue."

"No, uh, uh, Ricki."

"It's Rick. Just Rick," she replied. "You can call me nan if you want to."

"Uh, yes, Rick. Come this way."

"What's the family like?"

"Summer's still upset. Mom's grieving, and Jerry's, he's, uh, really happy, but doesn't live with us anymore."

"Pity. I love me some Jerry whumping." She paused. "What happened to your old Rick?"

Morty sniffed and tears formed in his eyes. "We held his funeral this week, Rick. He died, owing the Mob - an Alien Mob - money for his time travel portal gun."

She took hers out. "Mine time travels anyway," she said. "When I first took my Morticia out, for mega seeds, I had to time-"

"-travel into the future for a broken leg cure!" finished Morty. "I remember!" He looked downcast. "Mine used to wipe my memories out when I got too stressed out... or worse."

She looked sad. "My Morticia drowned, and my Winter committed suicide."

"Winter?"

"What's your older brother called?"

"She's, uh, Summer. What kind of name's Winter?"

"Never mind." Morty had led her back to the Citadel of Ricks portal port. It was busy, with lots of Rick and Morty and Summer trios hurrying this way and that. Summer looked weird in some trios, with antennas and extra boobs.

Morty showed her his home setting on his portal gun. She took it out of his hands and made a mental note.

"But we're - Rick and I - we're really from C-137 after it Cronenberged. The Rick and Morty from this dimension died accidentally and we had to bury them!"

"That must have been depressing," said female Rick, walking into Morty's bedroom. "This isn't Morticia's room! Winter and you Morty must have switched rooms." She took in the view from the window. "Smells different, too."

"Uh, sorry." He sat and bounced on the bed. Then he got up. "Your room's down here. Mom hasn't cleared it up yet." He opened the door and some beer cans rolled out. There was a letter as if it had been shoved under the door.

Morty picked it up. It was addressed to Rick.

Female Rick opened it. She read it, her eyes scanning it fast. She crumpled it into a ball along with the envelope and chucked it into an overflowing bin.

The wardrobe was full of turquoise long-sleeved shirts and brown pants. It turned out there was only one lab coat. She pushed all the clothes to one side and felt down the back.

She turned to Morty, her unibrow frowning. "Where's the secret lair?"

"In the garage?"

"He put it in the garage? I always put it in my room, in another dimension hooked up."

"Rick built a secret basement in the garage." Morty shrugged.

"Morty?" called Summer from outside the room. "Who are you talking to?" She walked in.

She screamed. "You're not grandpa Rick!" She picked up the bin and held it threateningly. She rummaged around for a bottle and broke it against the wall. She held it out.

"Calm down Wi-Summer," soothed Ricki. "I'm Rick too. I just came from the Citadel of Ricks."

"We don't trust those bastards," said Summer. "They imprisoned him!" She shot a glance at Morty. "You, traitor!" She dropped everything and slammed the door. The key turned in the lock. "Mom!" they heard her shout.

Rick peeled the sheets off the bed and let it air. She sat down as it was the only clear surface. Everywhere else were alcohol bottles and cans.

"I take it he drank?" She mimed chugging.

"Don't you, Rick?"

"No, I gave it up. Too much burping. I had gas."

They wasn't much on the dresser, so Morty cleared some away with his arm and hopped up to sit down opposite Rick. He smiled inwardly as he was very pleased he had a replacement.

"Did you have Beth as your daughter?" he asked.

Rick nodded. "But I was portal-jumping a lot before I realised I was pregnant."

Definitely not transsexual then.

"Beth turned out... a little fucked up. I think she even killed a school friend of hers in Froopyland, and I had to shut it down and do... a little memory readjustment."

"No, Rick. My Mom's like that too. She's a horse heart-surgeon now."

"Riiight," said Rick. "We have a lot in common." She stared at her long, blue-painted fingernails. "I always thought it was me."

Outside, Beth stormed up the stairs, followed by Summer caterwauling. Beth unlocked the door. She flung it open.

"Dad!" she cried then noticed. "Who the hell are you?"

"Chill out, Beth," said female Rick. "I'm your Rick's replacement. How do you do?"

Beth leaned against the wall, beer bottles clinging to her feet. She paled. "A replacement?"

"From the Citadel of Ricks, Mom," said Morty. "I got us a new one."

Rick held out a hand. "Why don't you take a seat here on the bed?"

Beth staggered into the room and sat down. "Did you... leave a dead clone replacement, because you're transsexual, Dad?" She cried. "Why did you leave me?"

Summer balled her fists. "No, Mom, it's a new Rick from another dimension."

"My Morticia died, so I needed a new match," explained this Rick. "We don't clone new Mortys, although it's a good idea." She looked up to the right and made another mental note.

Summer folded her arms. "I don't like you and you don't have to like me. I miss grandpa."

Beth put both arms around Rick's neck. "Don't you dare go back to the... that... Citadel and disappear from our lives again, do you hear me?" She almost throttled Rick.

Rick dragged her off and cradled her in her lap. "No, I won't, sweetheart. I promise." She winked at Morty.

"Am I accepted?" she asked.

Beth agreed and so did Morty. "Yes!"

Summer shook her head. "I'll be watching you, grandma Rick." She left. "You better bring Morty home in one piece."

It was then that Rick noticed the cut marks along Morty's arm.

Beth had gone downstairs with Summer.

Rick frowned with her unibrow again. She wondered about how to address it when it was so obviously open on display. She decided to ignore it.

"What's your current adventures been like, Morty?" she asked, hoping for something wonderful to take his mind off school.

Morty looked down. "Terrible. Grandpa owed this gang money for his time travel project, because he gambled with them for extra cash, and I think he cheated or something. They've been chasing us across the galaxy, but they never figured out dimensions or Earth or somewhere. We had to keep going back to pay them so they wouldn't call the Gromflomites like they threatened."

"Just blast them. What's the problem?"

Morty was indignant. "You might be like other Ricks, but mine was a, a decent person and didn't like murdering people."

"You don't get very far in life like that. Half the universe kills each other." Rick lay back on the bed with her arms tucked behind her head.

Morty grinned. "You are fucked up! I'm going to fix you like I fixed grandpa. It took years."

"And what? How old are you?"

"I'm fourteen, almost fifteen," he boasted. "I worked in a stock exchange once."

Rick shrugged. "I've worked loads of jobs, kid. Didn't like a single one of them until I retired. Then it's been adventures every day. Wubba lubba dub dub!"

"What, what have you worked as?" asked Morty, who was still worked up. "A beauty consultant?"

Rick showed him one nail, the middle one. "A scientist. I had to work on animals and you learn fast not to give a fuck."

"That's horrid. Summer would hate you."

"And that's not all." Rick belched. The smell of alcohol was reminding her of the good old days. "I had to test on students too, and most of them were pretty fucked up at the end. We had to bribe them to keep quiet. And these are the Earth jobs. The alien jobs were even more fucked."

Morty sighed and cradled both arms. "I didn't know what grandpa did. He was just a scientist."

"That's what I'm talking about, baby! All the crazy ass science experiments that people don't know goes on behind closed doors."

She nodded at his arms. "Mind telling me what started that?"

"What?" He looked down. "Oh, some crazy shit. Rick didn't want to wipe my memory, and later on he couldn't as he wasn't there! I watched him die!"

Morty wasn't crying, but looked very distressed. He hugged himself.

"Ssh, Morty. I can fix it. Just show me where he kept the memory gun. I've done it on Morticia tens of times."

Morty got up and led Rick down to the garage. He expanded his arms in a gesture. "Ta-da! The garage."

It was filled with shelves and benches full of junk. It looked like he'd been tinkering on a time-travel gun.

She scorned. She turned round in a circle, taking every detail in. There was a switch between the garage and the living room. She opened it and took out a tranq gun.

"Is this it?" she asked.

Summer walked in. "No, dummy," she said, taking it out of her hands. "This is the tranq gun, and whatever have you done to Morty?! I told you not to, bitch."

She aimed the tranq gun at Rick. Rick put her hands up.

"We're looking for that helmet, Summer," said Morty. Tears stained his face, and he wiped his nose.

"It's downstairs," she shrieked. Then she calmed down. "You're trying to wipe out Miss Rick's memory? Good."

Summer led them downstairs with Rick at gunpoint. She ushered them in.

"Put that on," she said. Rick had no choice but to put the helmet on.

"Sorry," said Morty and loaded up an empty vial. Summer pressed the controls.

Rick's eyes rolled backwards and she slumped.

Rick watched the last echoes of Morticia drowning in some wretched alien pool before she dissolved from the acid. The water bubbled and began to peel back skin to muscle.

Rick had tried portal after portal, but only succeeded in draining the lake a little at a time. Several acidic whirlpools were the result before the portals shut.

Morticia had been trapped in some tendrils floating to the surface, and Rick hadn't discovered a way to free her. Winter had tried wading in to save her, as it looked like clear pH7 water beforehand, and she too had her legs eaten away by acid before she tumbled in the liquid face-first.

Rick had initially thought that they were drowning, and almost dived in herself, before she smelled her boots rotting away from the lapping shoreline. She'd gotten out quick.

What a way to go.

Rick awoke with no memory of how she was there with a female Winter and a male Morticia. It was unusual to see Winter with tits.

"I, uh, I don't think she remembers a thing," said Morticia... Mortimer.

"I'm Summer," said Winter, no, Summer. "This is Morty. Our Rick died and you're his replacement."

"Where am I?"

"C-137," said Morty promptly, before Summer started to argue with him.

"No, it isn't!"

"Forget I fucking asked," said Rick, pressing a hand to her forehead and encountering metal. She took off the helmet. "Is this a mind blower? What did I ask this for?"

"I, uh, I don't know, Rick," said Morty, looking sheepish.

Summer took it from her. "You were distressing Morty and needed fixing."

Rick got up. "I know what will fix me." She got her portal gun out of the inner lab coat pocket, and fired it at the wall. She ran through before they could stop her.

Morty and Summer followed.

They found Rick in a metropolis of various multi-species. It looked posh.

"Have... have we been here before?" asked Summer, looking up and around. "Seems familiar."

"The portal gun was set to it," called Rick, over her shoulder.

Morty's jaw dropped. "Oh, no, the Alien Mob home world. We're on the outskirts. They're going to kill us!" He mimed running away. The portal closed before he could.

"Looks like a high street," said Summer. She wandered into a shop. "Look at all these tops! Designer."

Rick disappeared down a side street.

Morty pressed his legs together like he needed a pee. "Rick! Where are you going?"

Morty left his sister and had no choice but to follow.

"Rick? Rick? Where did you go?" Morty looked for the tale-tell blue spiky hair. He couldn't spot her.

"Relax, Morty. I'm right over here. I've just found some drugs. I remember doing these years ago." Rick paid the dealer and headed back over. Morty hugged her.

The dealer said, "Here, you can have your money back if I can fuck your boyfriend." He grinned. "I like them young."

Rick calmly pulled out a laser gun and shot him through the leg. The dealer toppled, clutching at the oozing blood gape.

"And that's what we do to aliens, Morty," said Rick. She put the gun back.

The crowd parted to let Rick through. Everyone had gone quiet. Then someone at the back started to run, and they were left in a rapidly expanding circle.

Summer found them. She'd been shoplifting as Rick didn't give her any money.

"They gave me them," she said. "What? They did."

"Liar," said Morty. "You give them back." He got into a fight with his sister. She flung all the clothing over one arm and pushed him.

"This is a get what you want, take what you can get, kind of world," said Rick. "I like it." She went into a shop and came out with a new money bag. It had an alien currency symbol woven on it.

"You have a go, Morty," said Rick and Summer together.

Morty braved the nearest shop. It sold T-shirts with three sleeves. He ventured in.

The shopkeeper beamed, and held out three arms. "Do you like anything you see?"

Morty selected a Planet Squanch embossed T-shirt and put it on. It was difficult to get the other arm through. He left without paying.

"Hey! Hey! Thief!" cried the shopkeeper. "He didn't pay!"

Morty wriggled out of the T-shirt and left it on the ground. "Run!"

"Why did he get into trouble?" asked Summer, running.

"Probably some cultural rule," said Rick, hobbling along in high heels. "For example, we're both female and he's not."

"Men have to pay?" panted Morty. "That's not fair."

They turned down a side street again and ran through an alien market. Rick kept toppling crates, and Morty had to jump and dodge their contents.

They made it to an alleyway. There was a fire escape. There was a brightly-coloured mural. They panted and took it all in.

There was graffiti adorning the mural that looked a lot like the alien currency bag Rick had just picked up. She scraped some of the silver paint off into it, and slung it across her back.

Then she undid it, and got Summer to stuff her stolen clothes into it. She rearranged the silver paint up top, so that it looked like it was full of silver. She closed the drawstring.

"Let's pay these goons of yours," Rick said.

Morty held out the laser gun threateningly. "Let-let us in, or, geez!" he said to the doorman.

"Wait, aren't you that funny kid who pees her pants?" the doorman asked Summer.

"I always do that," she replied, entering.

"We have to mop that up," he retorted. "Hold it in, this time, kid."

"I'm not a kid," said Summer. "I'm 17."

"On this world, not until you're 21, kiddo," he sneered. Summer was wearing one of her stolen tops. It was just pink, but mostly peach and see-through. You could see her bra.

Morty skipped in ahead, holding out the gun. They laughed.

"You never fire that gun," said the gangsters. They were shrouded in misty smoke, but all had at least three arms each. They were playing cards. There was a guy behind the bar that looked like a Gromflomite.

"We have your last payment," said female Rick, striding forward. She slung down the money bag on the table. It thumped.

"Yes," said Morty. "Let-let us go, or else."

"Else what, kiddo?" the head guy sneered. He was in the centre, higher up.

"We'll shoot," said Rick. "I mean it. I've killed loads of people."

"Let's see you try."

Rick grabbed the laser gun and shot the money bag in the top. It burst open, revealing smoking silver flakes. The gangsters sat down and relaxed.

"We want free access to this world and its high street," continued Rick. "We like how women don't have to pay."

"Women pay," said the gangster, "on credit. Men pay upfront."

"Boo-yay," said Summer. She uncrossed her arms and pushed the money bag forward. Unfortunately, it toppled over, and out spilled sheer fabric and satin clothes. "Oops, grandma Rick."

The gangsters leapt to their feet. The Gromflomite behind the bar flew. His mandibles clacked.

Rick shot all the gangsters in their faces, before the Gromflomite got on her from behind. Morty dived under the table whispering 'oh, geez'. Summer wrestled with the Gromflomite, and pulled a wing off. The wound spurted blood.

"That's what we do to you," said Summer, her top sticky and drenched with blood.

"Thanks, Summer," said Rick. She turned and shot the Gromflomite in the chest. The smoky den stood still.

"Unlike your Morticia, I'm a pacifist," explained Morty as Rick helped him up from under the table.

"You held the gun," pointed out Summer.

"Someone had to, grandpa-sorry, grandma-Rick's got the money."

Rick grumbled, "I need to do all of it next time." She sat down and took her heels off. She frisked the wounded gangsters who weren't moving. It was hard to tell if they were dead or bleeding unconscious.

Morty frisked the one on the other end, and Summer climbed across the table, and got her original pink top out of the money bag and switched tops.

Morty found a key and tossed it to Rick. Together, they went in the back, and recovered all of the money that the previous male Rick had been blackmailed into giving them.

They loaded a sack full of dollars and this alien world's currency and walked out the vault. "Wubba lubba dub dub! That is how we roll," said Rick. She shot at a huddled guard, and they left with Summer.

"How much do we have?" asked Morty.

"Enough to support animal research. Vivo testing," she said to Morty's blank look. "Animal testing."

"That's cruel, grandma," said Summer. "We released Snuffles into his own dimension where he could be free and wild."

"Yeah, grandma. Grandpa Rick was against all that. What have the animals ever done to you?"

"Bit me and pissed a lot," she explained.

"What?" asked Summer.

"When Rick was a scientist, she had to test out new drugs on animals," confirmed Morty, looking sad.

"We," said Summer lightly, "are giving the money to P.E.T.A."

"Protection-" began Morty, eager to join in.

"People," corrected Summer. "Ethical Treatment of Animals."

Rick threw up her hands. "Why did I have to come to a dimension with ethical kids?! Why couldn't I get two little murdering bastards? I want you to take after grandma."

"Grandma, were you cruel to animals when you were younger?"

"I dissected any roadkill I could find, if that's what you mean, sweetie."

Summer and Morty relaxed. Morty began to hum.

"We'll give the money to some animal charities like WWF," announced Summer. "And you won't be able to stop us."

"Yeah, grandma, we've got more than old Rick paid, I think. We've got a sack."

"It all adds up," said Rick, chilling. She still wanted to use the money for research. "Shall we spend the money on... ice-cream?"

"Yeah, ice-cream!" said Morty. "The animals won't mind if we skim off a bit, eh, Summer?"

She shook her head. "Ice cream it is!"

THE END