Disclaimer: I own nothing of SG-1 except in my dreams and in the fact that apparently they think I like to torment them. I beg sincere pardon if I've messed up anything canon. I hope you enjoy it!
SG-1 approached the office of the new commander on base and paused in front of it. They exchanged hesitant looks, until finally Carter ventured, "Sir, are we sure we want to do this?"
Jack shrugged. "It's a little late to be asking that now, Carter," he said wearily.
Daniel inquired, "You think it's true that she's not really the one at fault? That she's merely the avatar?"
O'Neill shook his head. "Even if she is, Daniel, she's still the one to protest to, seeing as there's no one else who can do anything about all this." The colonel raised his hand and knocked. "Come in," sang out the answer and one by one SG-1 filed into her office as if heading to their execution.
Commander Ladislava Dethloff rose and came around her desk as SG-1 came in. She perched on the edge of her desk and studied them as they returned the favor. She was an unassuming specimen of a Tau'ri female, with nothing about her to suggest what power she had to torment her favorite SG team. "Colonel! What a pleasant surprise. What's on your mind? Minds," she amended, seeing that the rest of the team were watching her with barely restrained eagerness.
"Fanfic," Daniel told her.
"Permission to speak freely?" asked O'Neill as a precaution.
Dethloff gestured magnanimously. "Please." As soon as the word was given, they all began to shout.
"I refuse to-"
"How can I-"
"All due respect-"
"What do you think-"
Slowly they stopped talking over each other. All eyes ended up on O'Neill, who tossed his thumb back at Sam. "Carter?" She nodded and stepped forward to speak. Without warning her eyes blazed almost as fiercely as a Goa'uld's and she slammed a hand down on the Commander's desk.
"I resent being portrayed as a girl!" she seethed. Questioning stares ensued and she amended, "I mean, as a girly-girl. I happen to be a major in the United States Air Force and I did not get here by stressing over hair and nails on missions, or making a big deal over small injustices, or flirting with and mooning over every man I cross paths with. And I did NOT cry over Titanic!"
A beat passed. Teal'c finally said helpfully, "That particular detail was not mentioned in the commander's exploitation of our team." Sam's face flushed and she continued as if she hadn't just said that out loud.
"Therefore, I will not be paired with him," pointing to O'Neill, "or him," a sharp finger jab at Daniel. Dethloff opened her mouth and Sam held up a hand. "And not Teal'c either, don't even try it. If and when I decide to have feelings for someone, I will do so on my own terms and within regs!" Finished ranting, Samantha pushed off the desk and turned away.
Dethloff's face was picture-pathetic. "But Sammy-"
Sam whirled to face her again. "Oh, and that. Do NOT call me Sammy!"
"Or Danny," Daniel interjected.
"Yeah, Jacky's off limits too," added Jack.
Everyone glanced at Teal'c.
"Any abbreviation of my name is unacceptable."
Dethloff sighed with a long-suffering roll of her eyes. "All right. Anybody else?"
"Yeah," said O'Neill, coming forward to stand in front of the commander. "Back to the pairing question. Look, I admit have feelings for Sam. Carter. Heck, that much is canon!"
Sam was nonplussed. "It is?"
"Indeed," Teal'c supplied. "When O'Neill and I were trapped in a time loop in which we repeated the same day many times, Colonel O'Neill took the opportunity to-"
"Teal'c!" barked Jack, swiping a hand across his throat in the universal sign for 'can it!' Sam narrowed her eyes at him and Daniel could tell that they would be having Words after this.
"Um, anyway," continued O'Neill uncomfortably, "Whatever I feel for Carter, I will not, repeat, will NOT act on it. I'm a colonel in the USAF and I will follow the regulations that come with the job. Which also means...." He flipped a hand between himself and Daniel. "Me and Daniel? So not happening." He threw up a hand to forestall any discussion. "And not Teal'c either. Please."
The colonel went on to explain that whatever Dethloff might think, he didn't make snarky comments about everything and anything. Sam scoffed at that, but he ignored her. She watched him rant and her mind drifted from his words to his body language. The forceful way he stood and demanded attention with his stance caught her eye, as did the play of his muscles under his black t-shirt. He really was a handsome man, she reflected, and if he was interested in her, well then, the chain of command issue could always-
"STOP IT!"
Sam's yell took everyone by surprise. Jack, whose harangue had been interrupted, raised his eyebrows at her. "Carter?"
"Sorry, sir," she apologized. "But she," gesturing angrily at the placid and slightly bemused looking commander, "was influencing my thoughts again. And I want it to stop," she growled.
Dethloff splayed a hand against her chest. "Moi? I would never dream of it. Perhaps it's just your own repressed feelings coming forward at last?"
Sam rolled her eyes angrily and Jack chose to ignore the implications of that sentence. He turned away and waved Daniel forward. "Danny, want to give it a shot?"
Daniel pushed up his glasses and approached the commander. Dethloff gave him a toothy smile. "Don't worry, Dann- Dr. Jackson, I don't bite."
"Hard," muttered Jack sotto voce.
Ignoring his CO, Daniel said, "The first thing I want to get straight is that I am not a child. I am an adult and I am perfectly capable of acting like an adult." He ticked off a list on his fingers. "I hold degrees in both archaeology and linguistics, I've been married, I'm a functioning member of a military exploration team, all of which I think qualifies me as an adult." He dropped his hands to his hips and glared at the commander.
"But you seem to have this complex in which I have to act like I have the skills of a- of an eight year old!" He made tiny fluttering motion with one hand, trying to articulate his frustration. A strange problem for a linguist. "I mean, all the time, Jack's 'Daniel, come back!', 'Daniel, don't touch that!', 'Daniel, eat something before you pass out!', 'Be home by dark, okay kiddo?'" Jackson snorted in annoyance. "It's frustrating to be treated like a child, and even more frustrating to be forced to act like one! So just...quit it..." he finished lamely.
He took a step back, then remembered something else. "And one more thing-" he started. As he spoke, a convenient tile slipped from the ceiling and fell, as if in slow motion, to crack neatly in half over Daniel's head. The archaeologist blinked, swayed, and sat down hard. "OW!" he shouted at Dethloff, one hand going up to his throbbing head. "STOP THAT!"
Sam crouched beside her friend. "Daniel?"
Daniel rubbed his head. "I'm okay, just a little dazed." Angry blue eyes glared up at the commander, who wore a pitying expression. "That's what I mean," he hissed. "Whump, beating, love taps, abuse, whatever you call what you do to me, I want you to quit it! I don't like it. It doesn't make me feel good- whoa." Trying to stand, he wobbled unsteadily and fell flat on his back. smacking his already sore head against the floor.
Jack was by his side in a second, worry all over his face. "Danny, you okay? Hey, look at me. How many fingers?" he asked, waving his index finger in front of Daniel's crossing eyes. The archaeologist's eyes followed the moving digit lazily and he muttered, "One." Gratified, Jack examined his friend's head. Nothing too serious, he saw with relief. A nice bump, but that was nothing worse than Daniel'd had before. The colonel put a supporting arm around the youngest member of his team and started to help him to his feet, hoping that he could stand this time and that he didn't have a concussion. That would be all the poor guy needed-
"HEY, CUT IT OUT!" O'Neill hollered, his grip on Daniel slipping and almost sending the woozy linguist to the floor yet again. Teal'c caught him, leaving Jack free to take a threatening step toward Commander Dethloff. "The mind games are getting old real fast, and so's the hurt/comfort. Daniel's tired of getting hurt and I'm tired of comforting him."
Jack caught Daniel's brief wounded look and backpedaled. "Look, Daniel, you know I'd be there for you every second if you were really hurt. I don't mind taking care of you. But I do mind being made to." He looked back at Dethloff with a scowl. "Danny can get into trouble fine all by himself, he doesn't need you to make him. And you certainly don't need to make me watch out for him, I do that anyway too. So stay out of it."
"Uh, Jack?" Daniel interjected. "You do realize that you're not really helping your 'no such thing as slash' case, right?"
The colonel had obviously not considered this, because he instantly shut up. Daniel sighed. "I guess I need to say my piece on the pairing question before I let Teal'c talk." The young man motioned to Sam. "Sam's like the older sister I never had. I could never consider a romantic relationship with her. And Jack is my best friend, a relationship with him is equally if not more so unthinkable. Teal'c... yeah, let's not go there.
"I am-" Daniel halted, catching himself. "I was married to a wonderful woman named Sha're. Maybe you remember her: light of my life, guiding force behind my work at the SGC for almost three years?" He swallowed hard. "Sha're meant a lot to me and I'm not getting over her that easily. So until further notice, all pairings for me are off-limits." He subsided and opened the floor for Teal'c to speak.
The Jaffa had been waiting patiently, as only he could, while his team mates had their say. Now he stood forth. But before he confronted Dethloff, he spoke to the team. "I realize your impatience at being constantly paired with one another against your will. Indeed, I am in no hurry to be involved with any one of you." He turned an evil eye on the commander. "That idea will not be exploited," he told her firmly. Turning back to his team, he went on, "But I am compelled to wonder why a relationship with myself seems to be so repulsive to all of you." All three of his friends went red and Teal'c, seeing that he'd made his point, turned on Dethloff and fixed her with a hard stare.
"I have been a member of SG-1 for four years," he began. "I have lived among the Tau'ri for four years. In all that time, is it not logical that I would have gained some understanding of your world?" It was obviously a rhetorical question and Teal'c plowed on even though Dethloff looked as if she might answer. "I find that in your portrayal of me you have made me seem like a stereotypical outsider: taciturn, unsmiling, valuable for my alien knowledge, and completely clueless, as O'Neill would say." That made Jack snicker and Carter smile.
"The days of my confusion over Earth expressions are all but past," Teal'c continued. "I do not claim to know everything; the Tau'ri have an unmeasured capacity to surprise me. But the more common references that O'Neill or others may make, I can now understand. A fact that you have failed to include in your accounts."
"Prove it, Teal'c," said Jack skeptically. "I think you're still struggling to understand all the references I make."
"I assure you, O'Neill, I am prepared."
"Well, I think you've lost your marbles!"
Teal'c's brow furrowed and he tipped his head to one side. "I do not understand, O'Neill. I had no marbles to begin with, therefore I cannot-
"HOL!" Teal'c finished his sentence with a roar that made everybody jump except Dethloff, who seemed to have been expecting it. "I will not have you tampering with my mind, Commander," Teal'c said in the calm voice that everyone knew meant he was enraged. "I believe we have made it quite clear that we no longer wish to have you ordering our lives to your pleasure."
The rest of the team murmured agreement. "Why do you do it, anyway?" Jack asked out of morbid curiousity.
"Because I love you."
"That's what she tells me every time I get hit by a stray bullet or captured and tortured behind enemy lines or get a ceiling tile dropped on my head," said Daniel sourly, still fingering his injured head.
Jack stared at her in disbelief. "You expect me to believe that Carter and I violating regs, and Daniel getting 'whumped', and Teal'c being clueless, all this is because you love us?"
"Strange, is it not?" The Commander waved a hand to dismiss any further argument. She stood to face SG-1, clasping her hands in front of her. "Well, people, you've laid out some very convincing arguments, arguments that I will have to take into serious consideration. I understand your concerns, and in some ways I share them. But I cannot, at this time, make any promises as to my future actions. You know I get my orders from a higher power." She pointed at the ceiling with a mysterious smile.
Jack glanced up at the ceiling as if expecting to find Dethloff's 'higher power' peeping down through the hole the falling tile had left. Daniel asked to clarify, "Then it's true; you are only the avatar?"
Commander Dethloff laughed. "Now, Doctor Jackson, that would be telling." Still smiling that insane smile that meant certain harm to at least one member of the team, she said, "Dismissed."
SG-1 left her office in silence. Once outside the closed door, Jack muttered, "I have a bad feeling about this."
"I doubt we have seen the last of Commander Dethloff," Teal'c prophesied. Carter and Daniel muttered agreement. They all stood uneasily outside of her door, wondering what cruel machinations she was dreaming up for them now.
Abruptly their reverie was interrupted by the blare of sirens. "Unscheduled off-world activation," the intercom informed them. Glad of the distraction, they bolted for the gateroom. Daniel was the last to go, taking just a second to study the nameplate on the door one last time.
Com. Ladi. Deth.