a/n: Another installment of "Grace Only Ships Things That Will Never Happen" - Castle Edition. So Ryan is my favorite character and I love Beckett quite a bit and naturally this came from... somewhere, I don't really know.

Warnings & disclaimers & other such frivolities: I will never claim to own anything you recognize. Title & quote comes from Thriving Ivory. Also: tense shifts because I suck at not doing those.

–

'like pretty girls need cowboys'

'She screams for more, more than just some blue eyed metaphor.
And the trouble is, the trouble is she's always searching'

–

The sunlight glinting from Jenny's ring finger blinded him for a moment as she lifted her hand to wave down a taxi. The gold band and small diamond were modest in comparison to many of the rings he'd seen on dead millionaires and drug dealers over the years, but sometimes modesty was the one thing that kept love true. Cops didn't make much, not as much as they should, but he didn't worry about the wedding or kids or any of that because he's made it work before.

He leaned in to kiss her cheek gently before she climbed into the taxi that would take her to the airport to go see her sister down South. Her blond hair fell gently down her back and even while the cab was growing smaller and smaller on the horizon, he could still smell the citrus scent of her shampoo. The smell seemed too loud, too much compared to the other shampoo fragrance that would be forever burned in his brain.

Sure, Jenny wasn't the girl who made his heart race and palms sweat; she was blonde and not brunette and she didn't know how to kill with one shot. So what if she was six inches too short and didn't spend her days catching murders? She was still kind and sweet and exactly what he needed in his life; she was who everyone had expected to end up married to and he can live with that.

It doesn't mean he doesn't fall asleep with the memories of off key Billy Joel and the smell of flowers permeating in his mind, but none of that matters anyway.

–

He keeps secrets better than nearly anyone else, it's something that he's always had to do. From small things such as when his sister Carolina was twelve and broke their mother's vase, to a much greater scale, like the abortion the oldest daughter, Melanie, had performed at the age of nineteen. It should have been his first nephew but nineteen is too young and rape is not the way to bring a child into the world. Ryan didn't mind secrets anymore, they had been part of his life for so long not having any would make him uncomfortable.

So the first time he hears sniffling coming from the break room late one night after everyone else had gone home, he just handed over his handkerchief and offered a small smile. He understood pain, better than most people did, but she was the exception. She was always the exception; some days she was so full of life and passion it made him shiver and then there were those moments when the universe reminded him that she was just another broken human, trying to find answers that might never be found.

She didn't speak, like weakness was worst thing she could ever show, but the next day he found a folded handkerchief on his desk. Esposito pointed it out but failed to notice the small smile the woman sitting across the room sent his partner's way. It was incredible what one single look could do to his bones, it took a few minutes to be sure he wouldn't fall over before he tried standing up.

–

When he'd met Rick Castle he was too starstruck to really think about what his interference at the precinct could do to all of their lives. In a lot of ways it was Castle's fault that Montgomery was killed and she was shot. If he'd never opened that file, if he'd never discovered the other victims, maybe they could all still be relatively happy and blissfully naïve. He knew it wouldn't be fair, because all she wanted was to solve that case.

That was the trouble with girls like her, nothing would ever be enough- there was always something more they wanted. Just from her string of boyfriends people could see that: several high ranking officials, a cardiac surgeon, and whatever the hell she had going with Castle, the millionaire novelist. There was never any chance he could compete with that and so he never tried. He watched as she tangled her life around the charismatic writer and ran after every lead with a battered heart and too much hope.

Castle knew a lot about her, more than most in her life, but he didn't know she cried at her desk everyday he didn't call the year before, sometimes it would just be one tear, but it was enough. He didn't know that for a long time after joining the precinct and working with him and Esposito she would just sit outside on the anniversary of her mother's death, her gun clutched in her hand, as if she were contemplating the unthinkable.

She was probably the strongest woman he knew, not counting his mother, but on the inside she was just as messy as everyone else. That's what he saw in her, not the mask of a detective she wore, it broke his heart to look at her some days, but he was Kevin Ryan and if he couldn't keep a straight face and crack jokes, well, he wasn't who he'd thought he was.

–

Montgomery's death sparked a lot of things, some that he would undoubtedly take to his grave. However, for just a few moments after she was shot, his hand tipped and the secrets he'd kept so guarded began to slip. Esposito was pulling him up long after she hit the ground, his face twisted into pain and hurt. The surgery had been the hardest part, all the while Esposito kept looking at him and goddamn, he just knew.

"You know she loves Castle, bro." He said quickly and whispered as they stood in line for coffee. Esposito tended to have the job of Captain Obvious fairly frequently and apparently that day was no exception.

"Yeah. And I love Jenny." He replied just as low, stirring too much sugar in his coffee, trying not the greet the other man's eyes.

"Just not as much."

Esposito always understood, and never judged; Ryan was thankful for a partner that would take his own secrets to the grave. It felt like fate somedays.

–

The flowers around her bed seemed to come in every color and breed, and were in stacks that made her look like some sort of religious shrine. Her face was so ashy it frightened him, conjuring images of other beautiful women laying alleys or on beds, all with blood and life drained from them. He smiled at her, sitting a single batch of sunflowers in front of her.

"Thanks, Ryan. These are a change." She grinned, looking at the hand picked flowers with an expression of joy and sadness. He found that he understood that more she probably thought he did. Then again, she was full of surprises.

"I'm just glad you're okay. For a moment there I thought- well," He said quietly, his eyes focusing on anything but her face. A warm hand engulfed his own, a wonderful feeling that reminded him of the life rushing through her veins; a sign of care.

"I know, Ryan. Everything." She breathed after a moment and he felt his heart drop to his knees.

"Kate, I... I never meant for it to show." He spoke weakly, not finding any point to deny it, "Sometimes you're too good a detective for your own good." She let a chuckle out which sounded more like a sob, one tear lacing down her cheek.

"I'm too broken for anyone, Ryan, surely you know that. You're getting married and I can't..." She trailed off, the tears falling faster than before, but her expression was steady. Her lip quavered and he lifted a hand to her cheek, running a finger across her mouth.

"You aren't broken, Kate, you just have a wall in your chest. That wall will never come down until you catch the man who murdered your mother and god, Kate, I would wait forever for that day." He said honestly, a tear of his own falling quickly, "But you and Castle... that's love, and if you didn't love him back I might be able to compete, but as it stands I just can't." His declaration did nothing to stop the tears staining her pale face, but within a few seconds she was leaning closer to him.

Her lips felt like a soft breath of fresh air against his own and for a moment he just wanted to die there, for this to be his very last memory; his last kiss. She pulled away, her face holding that gentle smile he'd known for so long.

"In another life, I could have loved you more than him." She whispered and he nodded because he knew that life was unpredictable and unfair and he couldn't blame her for that.

"Yeah, I know. Just... don't forget to give him a chance." He stood to leave; his heart felt both heavier and lighter if that were possible. With one glance back at her he stepped out in the bright hospital hallway and into the rest of his life.