'Counting the mistakes of our past, we at times pray for a second chance to set everything straight. What we oft forget, in our empty wishes, is that what has occurred made us who we are, for better or worse, and that change, regardless of how positive and well-meaning it may be, may bring worse consequences than we could have possibly foretold.
On the other hand, everything could turn out okay, with birds chirping and the sun shining, but then again, such things are the spice of life, aren't they?
A friend once told me that it wasn't courage not to feel fear of tomorrow, but to face it head on, knowing all the horrors it will bring. At the time, I laughed, thinking him overly cynical and pessimistic, even for the times we lived in. Nowadays, not nearly as much.'
'Remembrance', excerpt from the memoirs of former U.N. agent Ryoji Kaji
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Floating in an ocean of white nothingness and light, two mostly human figures faced each other. The features were blurred by the light, but it was easy to tell that the smaller one was male, while the larger was female, if by nothing else, by their shapes.
"So, what happens now?" the smaller one asked, voice quiet and contemplative, and yet perfectly heard in the silence around them.
"That is up to you. Take as much time as you need to decide." The larger female responded. It was strange to tell the exact sizes, or distance, for the simple fact that there was nothing there to give a definite perspective, but at least to the male, she gave off the feeling of being larger than him… and probably not without reason.
Several times, he opened his mouth, and closed it soon after, reconsidering what he was about to say, still uncertain. After what had seemed an eternity, he responded.
"I choose…" was all he managed to say, before his voice was drowned in static, as reality itself bleed away into nothingness around them.
No Choice Without Consequence
A Neon Genesis Evangelion fanfiction
Chapter First
Welcome to Tokyo-3
A young man opened his eyes aboard the train to Tokyo-3, taking only a cursory look at his surroundings before he closed them again. His appearance was unassuming, but neat: brown hair, soft features, a plain white shirt and black pants. On the empty seat next to him, he had placed his duffle bag which contained pretty much everything he needed, which in turn wasn't much: a few changes of clothes, several tapes for his SDAT player, which he was even now listening, and finally, the papers that he needed.
The journey would have been boring, were it not for the constantly playing music coming from his earphones, and the occasional nap.
'It is your decision to make, Ikari-kun. But know, just because one wishes, doesn't mean one can succeed.' A ghostly voice echoed in his mind, once more refusing him peaceful slumber.
He had taken the time to mull over the meaning of the word written on the paper that he had received, the invitation coming from the man he could call father only very loosely. If the word 'come' constituted as an invitation, that is. He was uncertain as to what passed through the mind of Gendo Ikari, and it was probably better that way.
"To all passengers, we will be arriving at the Tokyo-3 station in five minutes." The automated voice of the train announcer sounded. Absently, he noted it to be a female voice, even though it was obviously synthetic.
'Will anything change, I wonder?' he thought quietly as the journey continued. He couldn't see the city yet, but the train was rather fast, so that was hardly an issue.
Slowly, he withdrew the package he received, consisting of the one word message, a photo of Misato Katsuragi wearing not quite much, and a small ID card. The photo on the last one surprised him, now that he thought about it, considering that it had been taken less than a week ago, and interred into school records then. The word NERV was prominently marked on the small piece of plastic.
He placed the card in his breast pocket, before getting up and walking towards the exit of the train, observing as Tokyo 3 came into sight.
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In the slowly fading light of the late afternoon, it was still magnificent, even if it looked nothing like a true metropolis right now. From his point of view, the only visible part was the periphery with its low buildings and houses.
He didn't pay much attention to that, but to the fact that the city was empty, and that the person that was supposed to be picking him up wasn't there yet.
"We are sorry, due to the special state of emergency no lines are currently available. This is a recording."
Which helped too, he irately thought putting back the receiver of the phone into place. What was the point of having public phones available if they didn't work during a state of emergency when they were most needed? 'Oh, because of the fact that the population is supposed to have been evacuated at this time. Right.'
For a moment, at the edge of his peripheral vision he noticed a female figure he could not recognize, even if she seemed eerily familiar. The almost spectral figure vanished the moment he had chosen to focus on it, the only thing remaining etched in his mind being her ghostly smile.
The whole situation was vaguely nostalgic, until a cacophony of sounds began rising over the ever present buzzing of the cicadas. Turning, he could see several VTOLs slowly retreating from something, which was moments later revealed to be a colossal monstrosity.
A humanoid being the size of a skyscraper, garishly colored, and with a bone-white mask constituting its face walked forward, ignoring the continuous fire from the many weapons the JSSDF brought forth, but its gait was slow, even for a titan of its size. Its appearance was humanoid only in the vaguest of senses, its thin, gangly arms disproportional to the rest of its body, while the face was standing above what seemed to be a flowing crimson sphere. It was a figure that inspired a very base horror in him, the feeling he could liken to what he imagined a mouse felt while looking up to the cat that hunted it.
As one VTOL failed to retreat far enough, the creature's arm rose, the palm of its three-fingered hand pointing at it as a long spike thrust from it, impaling the vessel, and causing its unused munitions and fuel to explode. It wasn't necessary, either from his, or likely the being's point of view as well, merely a show of power to display that it could and would destroy anything it saw as a threat or dared stand in its way.
He had not been idle.
'And its name was Sachiel.' he mouthed silently, eyes locked at the walking avatar of death and destruction.
There was no need to school his features into shock or fear, both was there already. Regardless of how he had prepared himself, the very image before him struck at him with sheer wrongness. Every part of his mind screamed at him that something that large should not exist, however, that didn't help that much, considering that it was walking right in front of him.
A salvo of missiles whistled above him, each flying towards the giant in a complicated trajectory, easily avoiding the buildings until they struck home, detonating on impact, and shrouding the figure in smoke and fire… to little apparent effect. Another VTOL was instantly destroyed by the extending spike, and this one, he realized, not only failed to explode… but was also heading straight for him.
Indeed, it was as good a time as any to start running really fast in the opposite direction.
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Driving her new car with her usual gusto, Misato Katsuragi was doing all in her power to keep herself relatively calm, despite the chaos around her. Well, it didn't take that much effort, but she was worried about the person she was supposed to pick up.
Of all the times to be stuck, it had to be today, when the Angel finally decided to show up. Couldn't they invite the Third Child at a more convenient time? Such as, say, a week ago?
If it wasn't asking to be fired, she would have given a piece of her mind to Commander Ikari.
Shaking it off, she raised one hand to set her sunglasses in place, before turning her thoughts to what she had read of Shinji Ikari.
NERV's Section 2 had kept surveillance over a number of individuals that were either considered a potential threat, or a potential resource, and among them was the son of Gendo Ikari. The file was surprisingly sparse, noting only a few facts apart for his date of birth, designation as 'Third Child' and photo. The note of 'Attention: possible mental issues' did not speak highly of him, but considering exactly where she was working, and how many of those present there, starting with the boss himself, should, and probably did have the same warning attached, she decided not to be overly judgmental without first meeting him. She was quite certain her own file had one as well.
"Why did I let Ritsuko persuade me into doing this?" she questioned herself, shrugging lightly as she pulled a maneuver that would probably have her passengers trying to hold in their lunch, if she had any, effortlessly pulling between two abandoned cars with barely any room for maneuvering.
But it was a pointless question, and she knew it. She did it because it was her job, and because with the chaos, she was probably the only person who could actually afford to leave NERV's command center.
Behind her glasses, her eyes widened as she pulled the last turn, and realized that her ward was currently running for his life, trying to escape a falling craft going straight in his direction. All thought fled her mind as she pushed the gas pedal down.
"Sorry for having made you wait for me. Get in!" the women he recognized as m… no, captain Misato Katsuragi called from her car as it slid behind him, standing barely inches from the crashed VTOL. If he still wasn't feeling the effect of an adrenaline rush that ensured his continued survival, he would likely whistle in appreciation of the feat of skill.
"That sounds like a good idea." He hastily agreed, jumping into the car, which momentarily sped off, barely avoiding being crushed by a giant foot.
Seconds later, Shinji finally felt himself relax a bit. A small bit, considering that Misato's driving skills stole much of the comfort the feeling of escaping one's doom would normally bring.
"Well, it's about time for introductions, don't you think? I'm…" Misato began, using one hand to remove the glasses from her eyes, while turning shortly to beam a small smile at her ward.
"Captain Misato Katsuragi, chief tactical officer of NERV Japan?" Shinji offered, smiling politely. Before she could ask, obviously shocked, how he knew, he chuckled lightly "I was informed who would be picking me up in the letter, miss Katsuragi. I am Shinji Ikari." He finished off his own introduction, at the time doing his best to keep his eyes locked on the one thing that would not induce a need for vomiting: Misato herself. Her face, to be more precise.
"Mah, just call me Misato. I prefer to keep things informal, Shinji-kun." She commented a few moments later, to a mild chuckle from the boy, who suddenly paled, quickly turning towards the back.
"Uhm… Misato-san… why are the VTOLs suddenly pulling away from the big scary monster?" he asked quietly. Misato pulled over, turning back very and quickly pulling out her small binoculars.
There was just enough time for one eloquent word, before she dove, grabbing and covering Shinji with her own body.
"Shit."
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"Electromagnetic interference has been reduced to acceptable levels. Pattern type blue still present."
"Dammit!" a man in military uniform cursed as the pencil in his hand snapped. Hidden inside the safety of the Geofront, the commanding officers of the JSSDF tried to defeat the advancing Angel. 'Tried' being the key word here. The military forces were being obliterated with minimal effort, and there was only one last resort left before they would have to surrender authority to him.
And now, as the smoke had cleared, the figure was still there, very much alive, if only wounded. The bird-like mask that was its face was partially broken, pushed to the side of the gaping wound, but already, a second 'face' was already forming to replace it.
"Hm. Regenerative properties confirmed." From a safe distance, Gendo Ikari, the commander of NERV Japan commented to his companion, as if the entire situation was little more than some entertaining pastime.
"Indeed. Still, we are now certain that they have returned. Though the timing couldn't be worse." Next to him, Kozo Fuyutsuki retorted calmly.
"Never tempt fate sensei." Gendo spoke, the barest hint of fatigue escaping into his voice. Behind the almost opaque, orange-tinted glasses, behind the eyes that hid beneath them, another battle was taking place. And yet, he retained his calm, if only on the surface. "It could still get worse." He added moments later.
"You seem to have an idea…?" the older of the two questioned.
Gendo never responded, opting to remain silent for a minute or two more before he would interrupt the slowly panicking generals, and assume command. Mentally counting down, he closed his eyes, bringing his left hand to massage the bridge of his nose shortly, before replacing his glasses at their proper place.
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The past fifteen minutes, now that he thought about them, were probably some of the more entertaining in his life, and reminded him of better days. And the small leaflet he was currently reading did everything in its power to remind him exactly why they were better.
The pamphlet, designated 'eyes only', served as an introduction to newcomers to NERV, though it was a very limited read, mentioning very little of what actually happened beyond what was considered public knowledge. A general description of the Geofront, a bit on the chain of command, something on the structures… but nothing on the really important parts. Nothing whatsoever. A part of him wondered just what Gendo Ikari had planned with this sort of introduction. Was it to inspire fear and awe into newcomers? Or simply to control the amount of information available. 'A subject for later thought.' He mused silently, enjoying the view around him, and only snapping his eyes back to the pamphlet occasionally.
Ever since boarding the car train, he had the pleasure of observing the interior of the Geofront in all its glory, bathed in the glow of the afternoon sun. He was loathe to say it, but if one good thing came of the second impact, it was the color of the sky during nightfall. A shame that it had to come at the price of several billion lives…
On the other hand, contrary to the completely relaxed teen, Misato was growing slightly anxious and tense. She couldn't quite put her finger on it, but Shinji was acting somewhat strangely… it wasn't his reactions, at least not fully, for he had been genuinely frightened both by the Angel and by the explosion of the N-2 mine, but the way he looked at the small booklet she had given him was off. He wasn't curious, nor worried, but mostly entertained, and he watched the scenery outside, but eyes constantly shifted left and right, as if looking for something specific, then focusing on a small point shortly before moving on.
"It sure is peaceful here." He off-handedly commented, breaking her out of her thoughts.
"Uhm." She agreed, smiling slightly yet again. "It is."
"Anything you can tell me about why I was called here? The letter was… vague." Shinji asked, a slight frown covering his lips.
"Sorry… I can't tell you anything yet." Misato retorted. "But we'll be there in a few minutes, so don't worry."
The slight frown never left his face as he turned away. 'Is it always like this? Or do I just pay attention to things now?'
Soon enough, the image beyond him was replaced by the tube of the track as the car train entered closed space. It finally stopped a further minute later, depositing the duo at the interior of the NERV base.
As far as Misato was concerned, the awkwardness had lasted too long for her tastes. She didn't like awkwardness, it led to tension, and later to problems, unless resolved on time. And as far as she understood, this boy was going to be under her command at some point later on. Unresolved issues caused problems. You did not want to have problems with your subordinates when said subordinates piloted twenty meter high engines of chaos and destruction. Common sense dictated that such things were likely to end badly. And she liked living, thank you very much.
"Come on Shinji, let's get you to meet your father. Then we can get this whole mess sorted out. Okay?" she offered as kindly as she could. She almost overheard the quiet snort the boy had made. Considering how his father had spoken of Shinji… not overly surprising.
"Somehow I doubt things will be so simple, Misato-san." He commented, his voice reduced to complete apathy as the rest of his emotions fled from his face. "Lead the way."
Not for the first time today, Misato wished she had a beer at her disposal. Or ten.
"Misato-san… are you sure we are going in the right direction? You're holding that map upside down?"
"Oops…" she chuckled uncomfortably. Ten beers it was.
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To the tired mind of doctor Ritsuko Akagi, the day was far from over. If the entire mess caused by the failed activation test only a short while ago wasn't enough, she now had to prepare Unit-01 for a sortie… and they weren't even sure it would even activate, let alone be capable of fighting.
Getting out of the pool of coolant liquid, she slowly took off the diving suit that had protected her skin, and put on a lab coat over the rather modest one piece that protected her modesty.
"Maya, any news from Misato? She's late." The faux blonde asked her assistant.
"None yet sempai. Apart from calling in the car train, she's yet to call or show up." The girl responded, following the doctor towards the door.
"God…" she murmured, biting back the curse she wanted to loose. "Maya, please check where they are, would you?"
"Sure thing…. MAGI reports that they are in corridor H-1, heading towards the elevator." Maya quickly responded, after checking on the nearby terminal.
"Come on. Let's go and meet them before Misato somehow finds her way back to the streets. Or worse." Ritsuko spoke in a mixture of amusement and irritation, while her younger colleague merely giggled in response.
'Well, at least we found the elevators.' Shinji mentally noted. He wasn't certain whether he was irritated or simply tired, but he guessed it didn't matter that much. For all his memory served him, there were still things that were blank, and while he was uncertain how much he cared , time was not infinite. Whatever choice he made, he needed to be there on time.
Moving his hand to press the call button for the elevator, he was mildly surprised to have it open before him, revealing two very familiar figures.
"Ritsuko! We were just about to take the elevator down." Misato explained, a full smile on her face as she obviously hoped to placate her friend. Dr. Ristuko Akagi, on the other hand, wasn't looking as content.
"You got lost again, didn't you?" she cut her off shortly.
"Not you too Rits. I only got here a few days ago, and this place is a maze!" the woman complained, nearly pouting. The scientist merely shook her head before turning to the teen walking alongside her.
"And you must be Shinji. I'm doctor Ritsuko Akagi." She offered, extending a hand to Shinji. While it was mostly a western greeting, sine the times of the Second Impact, such things had easily spread across what remained of civilization.
"A pleasure, I hope, doctor." Shinji spoke politely in turn, accepting her hand.
"Hm… nothing like his father." Ristuko commented amusedly to her friend. The question of whether that was a good thing remained unsaid.
"Now, would someone please tell me why I was called here?"
"I'll do you one better." The scientist responded. "You haven't told him much, have you Misato?"
As Misato shook her head lightly in response, Ristuko made a pleased smile.
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The massive chamber before him was completely dark, though he could tell a massive, if unclear shape before him. The catwalk under his feet seemed to be above some sort of liquid. Coolant, if memory served. Suddenly, the lights turned on, revealing the face of what he remembered to be.
"This Shinji, is the Ultimate All-Purpose Humanoid Decisive Battle Weapon developed by humanity. The artificial human, Evangelion. That is Eva-01. Its construction carried out in complete secrecy, it is our - humanity's - final trump card." Ristuko explained in a hushed, reverent voice.
"And this would be my father's work? The part that isn't in the manuals?" Shinji asked slowly. His eyes had widened only slightly at the familiar sight, the control having slipped just enough at the vision of his old nemesis and savior. Now, more than ever, her words rang true.
"Correct." A hauntingly familiar, sharp voice confirmed it from above. Behind a pane of bulletproof glass, he spied the figure of the man who had invited him here.
"It's been a while." From his position above, Gendo Ikari stated, his voice carried over by the speakers. Shinji was apparently not impressed.
"Not long enough if you ask me." He retorted calmly. "Could you at least have the decency to be clear on why you have invited me here father?"
From his falcon's perch, father studied son with veiled interest. The Marduk Report was off. These were not the actions of a psychologically and socially crushed child begging for approval. He had looked at him not as a superior, but as an equal, and that notion by itself had worrying undertones. Had he not been who he was, he would have smiled at the fact.
"It was inconvenient to write it down." He said simply, before responding to his question. "You were called here to pilot Evangelion Unit-01."
"A tempting offer. And should I refuse?" Shinji offered sarcastically in turn. It was a game, he realized, to Gendo. His old man was completely interested in how he would respond to his provocations and prodding. But, therein lay the problem. What would he do next? If memory served…
Shaking his head in disappointment, Gendo turned to the figure on his right. "Prepare the First Child. The Third is obviously not willing to pilot. Dr. Akagi, reconfigure Unit-01 to accept Pilot Ayanami."
"Are you certain about this Commander?" Fuyutsuki questioned, his voice barely loud enough to be heard over the speakers.
"She is not dead yet." He responded flatly, turning his back. He had made his move, now he would have to wait for the response. This one move made more difference than any other.
Shinji calmly waited to see what was going to happen. Ristuko had already ran off to start reconfiguring the Evangelion, while Misato was looking concerned as to the situation. In the relative distance, he saw medics pushing in a gurney that carried the half-comatose body of the First Child, Rei Ayanami.
'Ah yes, nothing better than emotional blackmail to pull on a child.' He thought with mild amusement, before he sobered. 'Forgive me for being a coward, Rei. I was afraid. Too afraid. Not anymore.'
Sighing quietly, he took a step, and stopped the gurney, now facing completely away from the commander. He looked down on Rei Ayanami's tired face, its normally calm appearance twisted by great amounts of pain. She was tired, he realized, afraid, but still willing to do what was expected of her. For she had nothing else.
Or did she? Shame had filled him when he realized that in his pain and grief, he had closed himself to the outside world, ignoring those around him. Three names came up in particular, three lives he could have made better, even saved perhaps, if he could have found the strength to do so. Three people, he realized, he in truth knew very much, yet very little about.
His shame stopped him from feeling anger, and he knelt down next to her, before whispering softly
"Rest now, First Child. I will shoulder your burden until your strength returns."
The girl's single visible eye widened slightly, the only show of her surprise, but regardless of it, she did relax. He turned around, having prepared a scathing remark to deliver, but he was interrupted by the sound of an explosion from above. The earth shook as pieces of concrete were ripped from the ceiling, falling down towards them. There was no time to react, to move away. Even if he did, Ayanami would be crushed, and for some reason, it felt wrong to him to let it happen. And so he waited, not for a moment taking his eyes away from Ayanami. If it were to be his last sight, at least it would be of something better than a ten ton rock falling upon him.
Except, it never happened. His mind retained enough awareness to put together the fact that the Evangelion Unit-01 had lifted its hand, deflecting the rock, and now covering him and Ayanami safely. This time, he couldn't help the smile that formed on his lips.
"Get her to safety!" he shouted to the medics close by, helping push away the gurney. Like it or not, he had accepted this burden. Straightening up, he turned to the now very calm Misato. "Captain Katsuragi, get me inside that thing."
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"We are no longer needed here sensei." Gendo serenely commented as he turned away from the sight of the Eva cages and of his son acting drastically different from what he should have been.
"You seem unperturbed by this development." Sub-commander Fuyutsuki stated more than asked, taking his place beside Gendo as the two of them walked away to the command platform.
"It is somewhat unexpected, but not outside my expectations. In fact, it will only be beneficial." He retorted. "Come now. I look forward to seeing what the Third Child is capable of."
"But… he hasn't had any combat training…" the older man protested weakly, frozen in place.
"Your point being?" Gendo asked with mild amusement in his voice, before walking onward.
'He expected this…' Kozo Fuyutsuki finally realized, his shock only thinly veiled as he followed quickly. 'What else are you hiding Gendo?'
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He ignored the sound and feeling of the rising fluid around him, breathing it out before taking it in almost by reflex. It did little to disturb him. Quietly he nodded at every instruction that the captain and doctor were giving him, taking it in, but mostly ignoring as he reminded himself of the task ahead of him.
It was not difficult to remember the flood of conflicting emotions that had almost broken his self-control on his way here. Seeing Misato, alive, cheerful, as he preferred to remember her, after he had left her behind… his first reaction had almost been to rush and hug her, tears streaming down his face. Even after all that had happened, she had stood with him, she had given him strength, and it was something he would not forget.
Rei had been a bit more surprising. In the final days he had come to fear her, casting away everything that had grown between them to his own weakness and cowardice. He had turned away from her, and yet, she had fearlessly sacrificed her life for him. In the end, it was she that had given him the choice, not Lilith. She that had wrested control of everything from his father. She that had saved him.
Asuka he had not seen yet, but he could still hear her. Her haughty voice that hid the broken child behind. Despite everything she did to him, she had in many ways been an inspiration, and she had helped him push forward when he needed it the most. His actions at the end… the term self-loathing only vaguely began to express what he felt for himself at that.
Names strung themselves up, one by one, each time remembering what they had done. Maya Ibuki, Shigeru Aoba, Makoto Hyuga, the bridge crew that had more than once pulled his hide out of the fire. Ryoji Kaji, who had been by many accounts his mentor and father-figure. Even Ritsuko, who had dirtied herself no less than he did, had many times helped him
He was afraid, because he knew the weight this first battle carried. He feared the very real possibility of dying. But the pain? The thing that had frightened him the most? That was gone. Pain was the least of his concerns now. He had accepted it, for better or worse, it was the price he was willing to pay.
He would not rely on her, not this time. He would win this battle on his own strength and will. 'I must not run away. I willnot run away. That option ceased to exist a long time ago. This is no longer just about me… forgive me mother, but our meeting must wait a while longer.'
Author's Notes: And cut.
I'm not going to say anything about the story, the secrets, and what not. Mostly because it would ruin the intentional vagueness I've decided to implement.
A further note on the story: there will be no bashing. Bad opinions of certain characters on others? Yes. Bashing? No. Keep in mind that this doesn't mean that, say, Asuka will start being all nice. It isn't in her character. But she won't be a complete demon either.
This story serves both as a vent for my creative energies and as a personal experiment to see if I can portray psychologically darker characters. By 'darker', I don't mean evil, sarcastic, cynical, but troubled. Characters with issues big enough to break people into pieces. And frankly, NGE is the ideal playing ground for that.
I also wanted to play with another concept that has been alluded to, but not stated anywhere. I doubt you will have much trouble laying your own theories.