Suicide attempt warning, angst, mental health and anxious thoughts. Adriens depressed, like hella depressed, he's messed up you guys, like he has a hard life and i take some creative liberties to really F up his mental process as a result. like seriously if you get triggered by depression and themes of that dark of a manner please be careful reading.
It was a cold fall, the wind was tumbling spare leaves that rattled on the marble and cobblestone pavilions of the historic city. the lights of the city were a low yellow and orange, the city wasn't as gloriously gorgeous as the shojos and animes showed but it was still a fabulous city. maybe it was that that made it pretty? Adrien mused the dark underbelly and less polished unadvertised corners, not the hideous odorous sections, but the real unbiased and natural aspects of the city that were unabashedly themselves. Like the Dupain-Cheng bakery on the main street with its real kindness and soft colors and scents that wafted through the senses like a gentle dream, a dream that he couldn't really access, it was so different to put it simply like his home. His home was not like that gentle dream in any way, it was gleaming harsh corners and glorified beauty. it was bright highlights and dramatic contours, and on the rare occasions that fell away, the beauty did not grace into a gentler kindness, it was sharp words and stabbing criticism.
He doesn't study enough, he's not thin enough, he's too much like his mother, he isn't realistic he's too headstrong and acts like a child. Well, he was a child dammit, he thought angrily just a young scared fifteen-year-old boy with out a clue as to what he was doing. but as he stood on the top of the city's icon, it's glimmering tower, those shortcomings and should be's and could be's fell away for a moment as he just thought about the night air, the cold breeze the dark sparkling sky.
It was his turn for patrol, they didn't really need to if he and the others were perfectly honest, there weren't many nighttime Akuma attacks but there was something about them still doing it that calmed the public and well losing an hour of sleep was worth it o him. Plus the patrols helped him clear his mind. He was squat over the lip of the top of the tower just over the railing. he sat so he could swing his steel-tipped boots in the chilly air. he was grasping the support of the tower rails his mind racing as he looked at the moving lights below him. no one knew he was there, no one was even near the tower, they were all... elsewhere that thought alone made the rest of his thoughts darken. unlike what the night air would do for him normally he thought of the worst possible things. thoughts that were normally reserved for the safety of his room in the corner of a warm shower or in the cocoon of blankets he'd huddle himself in, in his room.
No one really missed him when he was gone from the house his father only really noticed once he wasn't there to do what he wanted him too. Ladybug had the other heroes now, on a permanent basis. it was fine at first especially since he got to pick one of the heroes it was great to get to work with his best friend, but it was not so good having to rebuild a relationship with the tan boy from scratch. He was initially in shock and rather earnest because he was, well, a hero but eventually, that fell away to a non-idealized appreciation. But as much as he was friends with the others he couldn't help but realize that they didn't really need him, especially since the team was no permanent and everyone was keeping all of their miraculous' for the foreseeable future.
His thoughts kept spiraling downwards and he thought something that he'd thought a few times before, what if he jumped? what would happen if he just fell from the tower and didn't try to stop it? His first thought was what Ladybug and his fellow heroes, but again they didn't really need him he hadn't shown up until the last ten minutes of the last Akuma battle and they'd done fairly well without him he just kind of showed up and almost did the bare minimum.
And that hurt him because he'd built so much of him and his self-worth by how much he helped ladybug, and how much he saved others. his next thought was what the civilians below would think of one of their iconic heroes falling with no attempt at saving himself. he wondered idly if he'd de-transform on impact, and that made him think, what if Plagg got hurt in the impact? Maybe it'd be better to fall as himself, as Adrien? he asked, well it hardly mattered because the results would probably result in everyone knowing his identity regardless. whether he went missing as Adrien because Chat was... gone or vis versa it hardly mattered someone would piece it together at some point.
He was numb as he raised himself back to a crouch his shaking arm still clutched to the cold railing. He couldn't really hear anything but the loud bristling wind bolster his cat and human ears loudly. the thought was at first just a morbid flitting process going through his brain but as he mulled it over longer it began to solidify in his mind as an actual action he could take. But again the consequences seem to float by his mind.
Ladybug didn't need him anymore, she had Rena, Queen Bee, and Carapace, and they never turned into Akuma puppets like he did, they had all only been transformed either not at all or only once. he felt cold wet tears fall down his mask and onto his bare flesh. everyone knew he hated his father and the life he was stuck living but no one really knew that he hated himself. He could fall and no one would care, and that thought made his heart thunder as it ached painfully.
He'd done nothing but suffer and he deserved for it to stop, he told himself, he really just wanted control, to be able to dictate his own life. But he couldn't do that he was just a puppet for his father and he wanted it to stop. he wanted to stop being controlled, to stop missing his mother, to stop following Ladybug around like a lost puppy. He wanted to stop not knowing what to for with himself in social situations, he wanted to stop feeling like an idiot at the end of the day because he made a minor mistake.
"Claws in," he whispered lowly and hoarsely standing up hands still grasped at the railing desperately sweat and muddled fear slipping his grasp a little. his tousled locks momentarily fell flawless before the wind ripped them around into another mess of tangles.
"Kid what are you doing?" Plagg demanded his high voice cracking in worry that seeped into the air in a pained agonized way.
Adrien didn't respond, he just let go.
Ladybug Had been swinging into the night sky for a quick minute, it wasn't her night for patrol but she wanted to thank chat, he hadn't shown up to the last fight until the end but the second he had things just had gotten so much easier and even if it was her job she was genuinely worried that he almost didn't feel that way, or that maybe he wanted to leave. It was a crazy thought but she thought that he was curling in on himself and trying to almost cut himself off from the others. so she was bringing him a parchment bag of treats and goodies, it was, of course, devoid of the bakery logo to be safe, and the croissants were warms and there were a few cookies he could bring home as well. She knew that he didn't get many treats at home so hopefully it would lift his spirits.
as she relished the cold fall near winters air as she swung into the air she was very well aware that it was a childish hope, but it really was all that she knew how to do. as she propelled up to the top level quickly she could see her partner's silhouette. he was crouched on the tower edge and he looked like he was examining the edge below. He looked like he was searching the skyline for something.
She plastered on a grin to greet the flirtatious blond but there was something off about how he was acting, her brow furrowed at that. He stood from his crouch not even looking around as he grasped tightly. he stood for a second before, just as she was about to say something, about to speak up in concern he said something that shook her to the core.
"Claws in," She barely had a mere second to rake her eye horrified over her partners vulnerable and hunched up form before he let go of the railing.
A visceral guttural scream ripped itself out of her throat as she threw herself forwards the croissants tossed to the side discarded in the dirt. She propelled herself forward her legs shaking from the force in which she threw them under her body as she ran. She jumped off of the edge with the blond the wind pulling moister from her eyes propelling tears from her eyes faster. She pointed her body down like a dagger to propel herself down faster while her partner was falling more slowly at a sprawled out and stuttered descent.
Green fear shattered eyes were widened in shock and blond hair whipped around and covered a portion of his face, but his expression changed in a noticeable and loud way. He looked horrified. Ladybug wrapped an arm around him and then with a desperate fling she threw her yo-yo upwards. It caught on a ledge and she tugged up flinging the two up to the top again.
It was silent for a while as the pair fell to the ground on the tower paper bag discarded and tired ashamed eyes looking down tears struggling to stay away. Ladybugs arm was still latched around the blond and she let go of her yo-yo letting it clatter to the ground to wrap the other around him desperately. To make sure he was still there. Her heart thudded in her chest as she grasped him close.
She was terrified that he'd disappear and that then the two most important people in her life would be gone forever she crushed him close," Please Chaton, Adrien," She said letting his name fall from her lips softer as she felt her tears fall down, " please don't do that again, please. This might be selfish. but," she sniffed," but I need you."
"Lady-"
"Marinette," she cut him off, it wasn't how she thought their reveals would go down that was for sure but this was a partnership and if she knew his identity he deserved to know hers.
"Mari?" he asked his voice cracking.
She finally backed up and looked at his tear-streaked snotty face they were still embraced but she was holding him loosely enough that she could look at his beautiful face. Her heart thundered in fear at the thought that she could have never seen his face again.
She nodded at his question though," yeah," she told him hoarsely before hesitantly dropping her transformation. He didn't look like he was going to try to jump again.
She placed a now bare hand on his cheek and wiped a tear with her thumb," Please don't leave Chaton," she faltered her voice cracking," I need you." she touched her forehead to his and continued her one-armed embrace
Something in the blond seemed to break and he crumbled under her touch. She wasn't sure if he was just coming to terms with what had just happened or if he was suddenly overwhelmed in a different sense with a thousand emotions but he fell to her chest and sobbed heaving heart-wrenching gut churning sobs she felt her front get drenched in various fluids but she didn't care. His hands clawed into her back as he seemed desperate to grasp a lifeline but she didn't care.
Because he was there alive in her arms so she held him closer and put her chin on his head and she just comforted him the best she could.
And they stayed like that on the icon of Paris for hours long after the moon reached its peak in the sky in an embrace. He in tears choked out an explanation a dozen times about no one missing him hating how trapped he felt and a dozen other reasons.
"I miss my mother," he told her at one point his voice broken after he told her all the horrible things about his father. And that broke the bluenettes heart. That someone could hurt so much she responded by tightening her arms and telling him that he had her and Nino and Alya and all their friends. She knew it wasn't the same but it was all she could really say.
"But you don't need me you have Rena and Carapace and Queen Bee," he said rushed.
"But they aren't you Adrien," she told him softly. He fell quiet for a while.
"Thank you," he muttered.
Marinette wondered idly at one silent moment what an employee for the tower would think running across two pajama-clad teenagers in a tear-filled embrace at near midnight. Eventually, Adrien grew tired and his labored messy pained breaths slowed.
And Marinette did her best to reassure him before he fell to an exhausted sleep in her arms. She wiped away her tears with the back of her hand.
"Tikki," she whispered," Spots on," she collected him in her arms," come on Adrien's Kwami," she said softly.
"Plagg," he told her quietly before flying to Adriens collarbone and snuggling under the blonde's shirt.
Ladybug propelled herself in the night sky Adrien in her arms and took him to his house and laid him in his bed. She kissed his forehead lightly and tucked him in. And grabbed a nearby notepad, She found a clean page. Ladybug wrote a note letting him how that she had to go before morning but that she'd see him at school.
Before she went to leave however she felt something grab her wrist. "please don't go," he begged.
"It's late and I have to get back before. my parents notice, " she said softly heartbreak in her tone.
"Please," he begged," just stay a little longer," he asked his words slurring from his tired he was.
She nodded," okay for a little bit."
"Sit with me?" Adrien asked gesturing to the vast space on his bed, she nodded again.
she de-transformed again and sat next to him crisscrossed. He rolled closer to her and grabbed her hand for reassurance. At some point, his head, his pretty blond head, ended up in her lap and she stroked his hair and hummed a low lullaby for an hour. She disentangled herself eventually and left for home but not without leaving a new note.
I'll see you at school Adrien.
Please know people love you.
If you want to sit with me at lunch or something feel free to.
xoxoxo Mari ~
Nothing could prepare the class for how wildly different the day was going. It started normally enough Adrien got out of his limo and did his normal fist pump with Nino, the other boy noted how tired he seemed but it seemed normal as they walked to the courtyard. Chloe waved obnoxiously and greeted him with as usual but left him alone otherwise.
Adrien was chatting with Nino for awhile but then Alya showed up and the couple flirted shamelessly. Adrien smiled fondly at the pair but still stood there awkwardly as the third wheeled the longtime couple
Then Marinette ran into the courtyard," Oh, thank god I'm not late," she panted as Alya laughed fondly at her best friend.
"What's the excuse this time?" she asked a chuckle lacing her tone as she looked fondly at the bluenette.
She didn't catch how the secret heroine's gaze flickered to the blond," Alarm went out," she fibbed.
Alya uh-huhed her and fell back into her conversation with Nino. Marinette walked up to Adrien and nudged him with her shoulder," hey you okay?" she asked him lowly.
Adrien nodded," better. And even better now," he said with a slight eyebrow waggle he put a hand on her shoulder.
A few people had been watching before unable to hear their mutters but interested in the exchange none the less. Marinette chuckled and grew a confident grin on her face," you flirt," she teased her tone low. She rolled her shoulders playfully letting his hand fall.
"Always," he smirked revealing his cute bunny teeth a cocky tone peeking through his quiet conversation.
Alya and Nino were watching now they had the decency to try to hide it but Marinette realized with a blush that their class was watching the pair interact.
They did it with stolen glances and hidden head darts. But the duo could tell from how much quieter the courtyard was getting. The class seemed to unanimously agree that this was rude however and they mostly fell back into natural conversations again. And while they still peeked from time to time but they had the decency to hide their curiosity.
Adrien grinned at the shorter girl," seems as of we've gathered a bit of an audience m'lady, " he teased nudging her
"You absolute agent of chaos," She teased with a smirk, nerves peaking through but on the most part, she was confident.
Adrien smiled at her duality. As he talked though he realized that without her he wouldn't be there that morning to enjoy her quips or the sunlight or how everyone was watching with a curious gaze that they were trying to hide and were currently stifling. He was suddenly overwhelmed with emotion and hugged the girl she paused for only a second before hugging back. "thank you," he whispered in her ear before detangling himself and they continued as if nothing had happened.
There were gasps loudest was from Chloé but she didn't march up angrily or do anything, in the past year she'd really matured. The way to class though was filled with questions. Nino demanded answers like what? When! And what when?!
Adrien heard Marinette get assaulted by a similar set of questions by her best friend. Then Alya and Nino shocked them both by sitting together on the front seat and making the pair sit together.
Throughout the day, however, the class got no answers as the duo goofed off together, talked freely and seemingly flirted a little as they got really touchy feely. When Chloé finally asked what was going on in genuine confusion Adrien and Marinette met gazes and shrugged awkwardly before Adrien just simply told her Mondays.
It wasn't that they were trying to screw with their classmates but they couldn't really explain the situation to anyone. They weren't even sure what they were classified at that moment. And that was fine. Not everything was solved not everything needed a label. And they were going to have to have a talk later but at that moment they were good and happy. Things would be good later and things were going to be hard later but they had each other now, and they'd have each other later.
Depression and suicide are serious matters and while this is fiction with a happy ending life isn't always like that if you or a friend or family member has depression or has acted suicidal please get help and contact a local suicide or depression hotline. And maybe consider therapy if you need to. You can do it.