The Challenge:
In season one's "The Girls of Nazarone Affair," Napoleon and Illya give the Innocent, Lavinia Brown, $25,000 to "throw around" to attract the attention of Dr. Egret aka Madame Striegau. In today's dollars, that is the equivalent of $189, 977! They also made it clear that the money and whatever she bought with it was hers to keep. It seemed like money was no object when it came to completing their mission.
Do you think when they submitted their mission report, Mr. Waverly just signed off on it as "business as usual" or did they have some 'splaining (explaining) to do? Do you think all of the Section II agents had access to that kind of cash or were they able to get it because Napoleon is CEA and half of UNCLE's top team? The challenge is to write a story that addresses the use of expense accounts.
"White lies"~ Great Episode Challenge,"
Solo and Kuryakin's most recent mission dubbed, 'The Girls of Nazarone Affair,' had been deemed a success, though not completely. THRUSH had again been thwarted, but as far as the Accounting Section was concerned, the top team of U.N.C.L.E. agents had failed miserably.
"$25,000!" Edgar Rice, the head of accounting barked at his assistant.
"How the blazes did Solo and Kuryakin get the authorization for that sort of cash? Cash given away to some woman who doesn't even have to pay it back? And on top of all that, the woman has been allowed to keep everything she purchased with company money. This won't do at all."
Rice's face was crimson red and his assistant, a pretty girl named Adrienne, backed away from him as the man looked like he was about to explode.
"Heads are going to roll this time! And I'll have Solo's head on a silver platter by the time I'm done and that damned skinny little Soviet will be sent back to his Comrades for good!" Rice stormed out of his office, leaving the poor girl standing there near to tears.
Adrienne had the presence of mind to pick up the house phone.
"How may I direct your call?"
"Umm, Napoleon Solo please?" She sounded unsure of herself.
"Adrienne? What can I do for you sweetheart?" He answered.
"There's trouble brewing Napoleon. Rice is after you with a vengeance this time."
"Why? Is he mad about my damaged suits again? It can't be about the three guns I lost this month, which aren't that bad in the scope of things," he chuckled.
"No it's the $25,000 you drew for your last assignment involving that girl, Miss Brown."
"Oh...ooooh? Well it was a legitimate expense and it was approved," there was a little lilt to his voice when he said that.
"Rice is out for blood this time. If I'm implicated you know I'll lose my job. What am I going to do?"
"Adrienne, everything will be fine...trust me honey. Just play dumb if Rice asks you about it." He could hear her begin to sniffle again.
"Tell you what, how about I take you out to dinner tonight and we'll catch a show. I just happen to have tickets to 'A Funny Thing Happened on the way to the Forum?' I had a really nice time with you the last time we went out on the town."
"Wwwith Zero Mostel?" The sniffles stopped."I love him. Okay, I'm game, dinner and the show."
"Maybe drinks afterwards at my place...or yours, whichever you prefer," he crooned.
"Mmmm, my place would be better," she was practically swooning as she recalled her last nocturnal adventure with the legendary Napoleon Solo.
"No, wait just a darn minute, this is it all started in the first place. You seduced me into helping you get that approval and now it's going to backfire on me." She waggled her finger despite the fact Napoleon couldn't see it happening.
"And you did a wonderful job; with a little training you'd make a good field agent someday Adrienne."
"Really? Do you think so?"
"Absolutely. So are we on for tonight?"
"Okay," she sniffled again.
The Solo charm had worked like... a charm."Come on now, take that frown and turn it upside down Adrienne. I'm looking forward to seeing your pretty face tonight...along with the rest of you. Pick you up at 6 o'clock?"
"Six is fine, ummm. See you then."
Edgar Rice was a man on a mission as he walked with determination through the corridors of UNCLE headquarters. The paunchy, balding man with his oversized horn rimmed glasses didn't present a formidable figure per se, but given his position with UNCLE, he was feared by almost everyone whoever had submitted an expense report.
The man's auditing skills and business acumen could cut the best of them down to size. And now he was after Napoleon and Illya. Too many times they'd submitted outlandish requests. Most of them he whittled down to size. He lectured the field agents time and again on the necessity for pinching pennies, telling them UNCLE wasn't made of money! His words fell on deaf ears with some but especially Napoleon Solo, and it was then he turned his tirades to Alexander Waverly, who in turn read his agents the riot act...for all the good it did!
Edgar Rice came to a stop at Lisa Rogers desk, staring her down.
"I need to see him NOW," he barked; his shoe tapping impatiently on the floor.
Lisa could handle the best of them, and Edgar was no exeption. "I'm sorry but that's impossible at the moment. I suggest as always for you to make an appointment Mr. Rice; Mr. Waverly is with…
"I don't care if he's with the President!" He barged through the doors, unannounced.
Lisa dashed in after him with her Special, normally holstered at her back, but now it was drawn and ready to dart the man.
Seated at the conference table with the Old Man were Solo and Kuryakin.
"It's all right Miss Rogers, thank you," Waverly dismissed her with a wave of his hand. "Please come in Mr. Rice. Excellent timing as you might be able to clarify something we've been discussing."
"Ahhh, just the two I need to see! You're not going to get away with this Solo you son of a bitch...you too, you little Russian bastard!" It was evident Rice was quite upset as his face was still flushed.
Alexander Waverly immediately rose from his chair, taking a threatening stance, something out of the ordinary for him.
"Edgar I'll not have you address my agents in such a manner. Now what are you on about? I caution you to change your tone of voice and calm yourself man."
"These two stole $25,000 in cash from dispersal! That's what I'm on about Alexander. Admit it Solo, somehow you took it!"
"Edgar, sit down and we'll discuss this. As a matter of fact we were just reviewing the particular affair involving that sum of money."
"Oh, really...well in that case." Rice seated himself beside Waverly while casting a dirty look in the agent's direction.
"Yes now as to the matter of the $25,000. Though the amount did seem a bit exorbitant, it was deemed a necessary expense in order for Miss Lavinia Brown to attract the attention of …
"Yes I know that!"Rice snapped. "But she was told she could keep whatever she purchased with it and she spent nearly the entire amount! Absolutely ridiculous and unacceptable! I demand to know who approved it as I most certainly did not."
"This document should answer all of your questions," Illya drew a blue sheet of paper from the File 40 folder on the table, handing it to the man.
"I believe that's your signature at the bottom, Edgar." Waverly said." You were the one who approved the release and disbursement of the funds. Given your approval, I signed off on the mission report as it being a necessary expense. It did seem a bit exorbitant however, but a necessary evil to do battle against evil. My agents can't be expected to do their jobs on a shoestring budget, though I suspect you'd like to make it so. I can understand your concerns about Mr. Solo's expense reports for the loss of his personal items...especially his suits, but this amount of money was key to the success of the operation. Mr. Solo and Kuryakin's reasoning for the expenditure at the time seemed warranted and it still does."
The man's face turned red again, but this time with embarrassment, "I authorized it?" He stammered. "Umm, my apologies. I don't know how I could have done that. No, wait. I wouldn't have approved such a ridiculous amount, especially to the likes of these two."
"Are you saying there has been a theft of UNCLE funds?" Waverly's bushy eyebrows arched.
"Yes, I am saying that. I didn't allow this. That can't be my signature as I have no recollection of this transaction."
Illya held up the document again, practically shoving it in Rice's face. "Is this or is this not your signature?"
"Well it looks, like it...but you two. You did something. I know it."
"I take umbrage at your accusations,"Illya practically growled.
"As do I," Napoleon chimed in." We have it hard enough out in the field risking our lives on a daily basis so the likes of you can go home and sleep safe and sound in your own bed. You ingrate of a pencil pusher have the nerve to accuse us of theft?"
This time it was Solo who turned red in the face as he rose from his chair, knocking it over. He looked like he was ready to lunge at Rice until Illya grabbed him by the arm, stopping him. It was all very dramatic.
"Gentlemen, enough!" Waverly barked. "Mr. Solo, Mr. Kuryakin you're dismissed. Edgar, you and I need to have a very serious conversation. You cannot go off willy nilly accusing my best agents of thievery, when all evidence points to you approving the cash dispersal to them."
Napoleon and Illya made a quick exit from the office.
"That was close," Kuryakin exhaled."Your performance was well done."
"Thank you and yes it was a close call. Good thing Adrienne gave me a heads up."
"So Rice really did approve the cash and you did not forge the document?"
"Well...sort of, but no I didn't forge anything. It was his signature."
Illya flashed his partner the stink eye. "Napoleon what did you do?"
"Moi, I did nothing...directly. I did however convince his assistant to slip the voucher request in with a stack of papers that needed a quick approval at the end of the day. Rice was in a rush to get out and she held the papers for him, lifting each sheet for him to sign, keeping him from looking at what he was actually signing. I believe the voucher was mixed in with several requests for accounting agents to spot check the east coast field offices…"
Illya shook his head. "One of these days your schemes are going to backfire on you and they will take you down. Sadly, I am afraid I will be taken down with you."
"We'll be fine. Remember the Solo luck is with us," Napoleon stopped for a moment, running his finger along Illya's lapel.
"Let me ask you a question tovarisch. After we reported the loss of the serum to Waverly, why did you withhold the fact it was a failure? You know that did have me pretty ticked off at the time and you never gave me the reason why."
"Napoleon we basically spent $25,000 of our employer's money to find out the formula was worthless. That would have exacerbated the situation in the eyes of Mr. Waverly do you not think? In the final analysis we gave Miss Brown the money for nothing really. Would Mr. Waverly have signed off on the affair without giving us a serious dressing down had he known that?"
"Hey it wasn't our fault the serum didn't work, and thankfully it didn't. But I guess it being a failure sort of made our whole charade pointless in the end."
"True. It seems as though the only winner in this whole affair was Lavinia Brown," Illya concluded.
"Well her and Rice's assistant Adrienne," Napoleon smiled.
"You bribed her to help you out, yes?"
"If you can call dinner date with me a bribe? I think I'll be reaping some benefits myself as I'm seeing her again tonight. Sort of a backup plan for her continued silence."
"Napoleon, you never cease to amaze me."
"Hey I have a joke for you." Solo smiled impishly as they began to walk again, side by side.
"Oh no, please?" Illya waved his hand for his partner to continue, knowing it was inevitable.
"Okay, here goes. Why is money called dough?
"Napoleon I have no idea, enlighten me and get it over with."
"Because we all knead it. Get it?" Napoleon gently elbowed Illya in the ribs.
Kuryakin covered his eyes with his hand and sighed, as he just couldn't bear to roll his eyes. No, this joke did not even deserve that.