tw's: death, mentions of sex, mentions of starvation/hunger, depression, also heads up the beginning isn't a s*ic*de, it's supposed to sounds like one but it isn't just read you'll get it.
angst/fluff/whatever the poetic deep category of fic writing this fits into.
hella slowburn js but its totally worth it.
Chapter one: Soon The Air
She stood peering over the edge of the cloud, still holding her breath in anticipation. She stepped back in hesitation for what felt like the hundredth time, but the voice that had whispered her through everything overwhelmed her and she knew her decision was clear. She leaned forward, letting her chest be the point of her weight, and dropped.
She was everywhere.
She was every salty, misted breeze that passed under slabs of rock staggering into the ocean. She was every drop of sweet nectar that passed down a hummingbird's tiny vibrating throat. She jumped and soared through the atmosphere, catching in the wind and quickly slipping out of view over and over as she felt every spark ascend towards the darkness of overhanging branches in a thick, dark forest. She was every elated yell of pure joy, every unedited and genuine laugh, every deep and racking sob of hopelessness. She shared every desperate, torturous thought of guilt, every static pang of anxiety. She heard shrieks of pain and fear, she heard hundreds of voices singing together with all the emotion they could muster, and she heard the quiet and hidden weeping of loved ones from another room.
She felt the vibrations in her feet as bells tolled for newly-weds and she felt their heart pumping rapidly in their chests at the prospect of eternal life with the ones they loved. She felt the heat of scalding water as someone begrudgingly stepped into a shower at 5:00am, and she felt the tingling and raw sensation in every palm from clapping so rapidly and loudly for the performance of something that had just changed lives. She felt the racking hunger of someone who had not eaten in days, and the heartwarming reward of appreciation from something given.
She felt everything, everyone, everywhere, but she heard and saw absolutely nothing. She could feel no containment of a living body, and, although she felt every emotion, her mind was blank of personal state. She did not remember, and she had not the want to. She had not held knowledge of time or how it passed and the feelings that she witnessed and experienced could have been observed as lasting neither millenniums or milliseconds. The life of every human channeled violently through her consciousness, but she was not awake, neither was she asleep.
But then,
It was all gone. And all that Beca perceived of anything was cold, wet dew and rough, pungent grass against her cheek.
Chloe slowly brought in another aching breath and let it out heavily for what felt like the thousandth time that night. She walked over to the window but the sky was a dark colorless cloud, blocking her view of the stars. She wished she could see the moon and she sighed again, regretting it as her jaw and lungs complained from the aching sensation of being overtired and sleep deprived. She twisted the plastic handle of the wooden frame and pushed outward until she could feel the brisk and refreshing draft of cold air wash over her. She closed her eyes and took another deep breath, this time, she hoped, for the last sigh that night, and held the cool in her lungs for a count of seven, letting it out as slowly as she could. She savored the temperature difference on her flushed and heated cheeks and listened to the distant white noise of the city stretching beyond.
She considered that a walk would be the worst thing to do in her situation, and the thought of leaving her house for the first time in three days for an occasion other than work made her frown to herself, but she soon found her hands tugging on a pair of boots and a rain jacket over her pajamas.
Her sleep schedule had become less of a schedule and more of a caffeine-dependent, never-ending cycle of work, eat, dreamless sleep, check her phone, sleep, work, and so on. She had actual little work to do across a deceivingly long amount of time, and for the most part they were simple tasks, but Chloe found it near impossible to force herself to work longer than a couple quarter hours at a time, quickly losing motivation and switching at dangerously close intervals of working and staring at her phone. Her little office job was dull and unfulfilling, but she forced herself to put away those thoughts and not take for granted her not-very-well-earned-salary. Her PhD in biomechanics seemed but a distant memory of possession, and she had yet to use a majority of the material she had worked so diligently and painfully to acquire.
As she stepped out onto the sidewalk of outskirt-New York city and locked her door, she felt herself dreading the next day and the following weeks of the same routine she had been slowly falling into. She placed her headphones over her already cold ears and played shuffle on an album she hadn't listened to in a few years. She turned down the volume significantly, as although her neighborhood was relatively quiet and restful, she had an unease when out at night. As the soft rhythm and peaceful melody filled her ears she felt a wave of a distinct set emotions she had not been accustomed to for a few weeks; longing, loneliness, and a sort of grievance she could not put her finger on. It took her aback, but she allowed the emotions to expand and radiate through her mind, welcoming the prodding of new and deeper thoughts than she had allowed herself in her recent routine.
Chloe was naturally a very friendly and outgoing human, the kind who would strike up conversation at most given opportunities, but she did not necessarily consider herself in want of returned validation in a closer and more intimate relationship. She spoke often to her colleagues at work, and she attended their infrequent events, but she could not recall sharing a close friendship with anyone for the past three years after graduating. She kept an online familiarity with the girls from her college a capella singing group, but she had not seen them personally since their only reunion a year ago. She had really enjoyed the event, but it had made her melancholy for the past and the carefree nature of attending school and singing with her friends. She had her family that she talked to often and visited some weekends and most vacations, and she sometimes ate lunch with the barista in the Starbucks at her office. Sometimes she did ponder, however, if her lack of closer relationships maybe factored in her recent slump of unfulfillment. Maybe she was feeling it now, she thought. Was this loneliness that was disturbing her mental plain, or something else? Whatever it was she continued embracing it, relishing the refreshing and self pitying relief it gave.
She stopped walking abruptly when she realized that she has been so deep in reflection that she had not been concentrating on the path. Her aimlessness had led her to a road she wasn't familiar walking and after a moment of hesitation, she continued forward. She used google maps infrequently, however she was confident that it would not be hard to find her way home later using her phone. The road she had taken had turned narrower and become dirt and rocks. To right of her was a high wall of brambles and behind a tiny unseen trickling stream. To her left, there were more high brambles, but beyond that she couldn't see or hear anything. After a few minutes of the path veering gradually right, the brush slowly shortened and eventually reached low enough for her to look upon a large, untamed field. There were no nearby light sources, but what she could make out from the dim light of the overcast sky, was a very thin sheet of slow-dancing mist, and what seemed like a very old rusty tractor on the north-east corner. She continued walking as she looked out, and eventually the path finished its right-side veer. She began to make out a small dark figure walking at a regular pace about fifty feet ahead of her and her over-active imagination triggered a growing feeling of anxiety fueled by the dark and lack of other viewable life-forms. In the spur of the moment she compulsively called out a greeting to the stranger, hoping that a short interaction would calm her hyperactive mental state.
"Hello!" She realized that the greeting would seem a little awkward if carried out so far apart so she jogged a little to catch up with the other strolling (she hoped) neighbor. The person turned, clearly stunned by the sudden shout but seemed to relax realizing the approach was not aggressive. It waved and turned back forward until Chloe reached them at a distance of around six feet. She observed the stranger to be a short small framed girl of around her age, maybe younger. Her outfit was odd for the cold weather, she thought ( a pair of sweatpants and a spaghetti strap tank top) but she let it go to focus on her conversation.
"Hi," The girl's voice was clear and short.
"It's so chilly for this time of year, I don't even usually come here while on walks. The mist is so spooky!" She turned and smiled at the face next to her to see tears rolling down the girl's face.
"Yeah. Super spooky," wavered her voice.