Chapter 1
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
AN1: So this is one of many ideas I've had recently but the one I decided to write. Most things will be explained along the way, but one thing you should know is that Melinda never married Andrew, but they did date for a time, that will be explained in more detail later.
TRIGGER WARNING FOR ATTEMPTED SUICIDE
Most people assume that S.H.I.E.L.D Director Nick Fury doesn't care about anyone, but they would be wrong. There are people that he cares about, he's just not good at showing it; also it would be dangerous for everyone if people knew the truth.
The list of people that Fury cares about is small, but there is no limit to what he would do for them. Which is exactly what has brought him to a rundown motel on the outskirts of a small town in the middle of nowhere.
Having no idea what he will find inside the room, as she was pretty damn hard to find Fury approaches the door where he is pretty sure that he will find one of the few people he cares about, of course it could just be another false trail, it wouldn't be the first. Reaching the door Fury reaches out and starts to bang loudly, and he doesn't hear a sound of movement inside, but as he heard movement as he silently approached he knows she is in there,
"Damn it, May. I know you're in there." Fury says through the door, using his director's voice as even if May doesn't want to see any friends, something she's made perfectly clear by the effort she has gone to to disappear he is pretty sure that she will still respond to her director, "If you don't open this door in ten seconds I'll open the damn thing myself." Fury informs Melinda.
Seconds later Fury hears movement followed by the door unlocking so he walks in, closing the door behind him.
Walking into the dingy hotel room Fury finds empty bottles of alcohol spread out though the room, no sign of food, and Melinda May, looking like she hasn't slept in days holding a bottle of scotch which she is drinking out of.
"I don't want company, Nick." Melinda informs her director.
"Yeah, that was clear." Fury responds as he had a pretty difficult time tracking down Melinda, which itself is pretty damn impressive.
"I thought it was going to be Nat who tacked me down." Melinda says, honestly she expected it and planned how she was going to deal with her, as she sits down on the double bed, Fury being pretty sure that the bedding hasn't be changed in a while. As Melinda sits down Fury notices that Melinda doesn't just look like she hasn't slept, but she looks exhausted in every sense of the world, "What are you doing here, Nick?" Melinda asks as Fury stands across from Melinda.
"I'm worried about a member of my team." Fury responds, causing Melinda to give a snort.
"We haven't been a team in a very long time, not since you got your fancy promotion." Melinda says bitterly, not even knowing whether she means what she is saying anymore, only knowing that she wants to push everyone away, she doesn't deserve kindness, not anymore.
"We'll always be a team." Fury tells Melinda, "We spent too many years as one not to be."
"Right." Melinda says, her voice sounding hollow as she takes another drink.
"Barton told me what you did on the last mission. What were you thinking?" Fury asks, knowing from experience that if Melinda drinks as much as she needs to become tipsy, something which takes a lot, she becomes more talkative, not in the secret spilling way, but in the talk about anything else kind of way.
"I was fixing the problem, that's what I do remember?" Melinda asks, "That's what I've always done. It's all I'm good for."
"You've never done it like this. You almost died." Fury tells Melinda, who doesn't answer her boss just takes another drink, causing Nick to realises something, "You wanted to die." He realises, "Melinda…" he starts to say.
"Don't Melinda me, Nick. I'm not your Rookie anymore." Melinda says bitterly, as even though Peggy Carter recruited her and was technically her SO she did also spend a lot of time being trained by Fury so in a lot of ways they both where, "Whatever you want to say, whatever you're hear for, I don't want to hear it." She tells him standing up, "I'm taking my unused vacation time and you can leave." Melinda says, not even caring about the lack of respect she is showing not just her boss, but her friend.
"That's not going to happen." Fury responds, as he is pretty sure that if he walks out of that door he will never see Melinda again, which honestly isn't something he could bare.
"I've got about three years of vacation time, it's about time I used it. Isn't that something once said?" Melinda asks and as she does Fury notice blood drop to the ground, "Bye Nick." Melinda says, picking up her bag that Fury is sure she wouldn't have taken anything out of and starts to walk towards the door.
"You're not going anywhere; we're going to talk." Fury says, grabbing Melinda's arm and stopping her from walking away.
"I don't want to talk." Melinda says, sounding angry, "I just want to disappear." Melinda informs him, "Don't make me hurt you, Nick." Melinda says, there being a look in her eye that Fury recognizes.
"You could, we both know that, but you're not going to." Fury says, feeling pretty confident in his assessment.
In a split second Melinda flips Fury onto his back and gets him to let him go.
"Don't follow me." Melinda informs him, "I'm not worth your time, not anymore." Melinda says before grabbing her jacket and walking out.
As he knows that Melinda will be careful to make sure that he's not following her Fury doesn't follow her immediately instead he waits a few minutes and then he pulls out his phone to use the tracker he placed on her, it being a testament to how far from okay Melinda is that she didn't realises that that's what he was doing, of course that doesn't mean she won't quickly find it.
Twelve hours after he was knocked on his ass by Melinda Fury arrives at another hotel room, one that seems even more dirty and dilapidated than the last.
Being pretty sure that Melinda won't unlock the door for him this time Fury just unlocks the door that according to his tacker he'll find Melinda behind, but as he wouldn't put it past Melinda to shot whoever were to walk in the room without warning he opens the door a fraction and pauses.
"Melinda, I'm coming in." Fury says before walking in.
Walking into the room Fury finds Melinda lying on the bed, looking to be barely conscious, and right away Fury can tell that it's not alcohol induced.
"May." Fury says, hurrying over to her.
"I told you to leave me alone." Melinda responds, it sounding like every word is difficult for her, that shows Fury just how bad things are.
"Never going to happen." Fury responds as looks down and sees that Melinda's got blood on her side, which is where he is sure that the blood drop he saw earlier came from, but she also has a pretty deep cut to her wrist, a cut that Nick knows exactly what would have caused it, "What have you done?"
"I keep seeing her, I can't stop, let it stop Nick, let me die." Melinda begs.
"No." Nick responds looking around the room and hurrying over to where the first aid kit would be and grabs that before hurrying back over to Melinda.
"Nick, stop, don't." Melinda says, trying to fight Nick, trying to stop him from helping her.
"Melinda, stop it." Fury says, his voice forceful, "I know what happened in Bahrain is tearing you apart, but you do deserve to live. I'm not going to let you die." Fury informs her.
"It's what I deserve." Melinda says, tears coming to her eyes.
"No, it's not." Fury assures her, "And if I have to sit with you in this motel room until you see that too then I will, no matter how long it takes." Fury tells Melinda, there being complete truth in his words, something that doesn't happen often, "I'm going to fix your wrist, and that bullet flesh wound, and you can keep fighting me if you want, but either way I am going to help you." Fury explains, "Are you going to let me?" he asks and Melinda just gives him a look of defeat, a look that Fury is pretty sure he has never seen on her face, "Glad we understand each other." Fury responds and he gets started on fixing Melinda's wounds.
Half an hour later Nick has cleaned, dressed and treated the best he could with the supplies he has, Melinda's injuries and Melinda has fallen asleep. After cleaning his hands in the bathroom Fury pulls the desk chair over closer to the bed where Melinda is lying, places his jacket over it and sits down.
As he sits down Fury just stares at Melinda. For most of her life he has known Melinda he has seen her angry, more than once, and more than once at him, he has seen her hurt, he has watched her fight more times than he can count, and he's watched her pull of things that most people would consider miracles during missions, but he has never seen her like this.
As he stares at Melinda, who is looking even smaller than usual, something which he never thought was possible, Fury can't help but think back to when he first met her twenty-six years ago
July 1982: S.H.I.E.L.D Operations Academy
As he walked into the main gym at S.H.I.E.L.D's operation Academy, where he'd just brought his new rookie, a eighteen year old boy, Phil Coulson, Fury finds Director Peggy Carter and a Chinese girl who looked to be in her mid to late teens.
"Director." Fury said with a nod.
"Nick." Peggy said in response, "I would like you to meet Melinda May, Melinda this is Nick Fury."
"Nice to meet you, Sir." Melinda said to Nick with a polite smile.
"So you're the kid that people are kicking a fuss up about." Fury said as he looked Melinda up and down, having not understood the fuss, as all he knew about the girl is that she is the daughter of the Deputy Director of the CIA and that Peggy pouched her from CIA recruitment.
"Guess so." Melinda answered, having had to resist the urge to roll her eyes.
"You know Nick, I was just about to asses Melinda's sparing skills, how about you do it instead." Peggy said, to most her voice would have sounded like a suggest, but Fury knew that it wasn't.
"Yes Ma'am." Fury said before he and Melinda walked over to the mats. As their backs were turned neither of them saw the smirk that Peggy was trying to hide as she knows that what is about to happen was going to be amusing.
Once they were on the mats Melinda and Fury spent a few seconds staring at each other, sizing each other up and then, seconds later, Fury attacked. With ease Melinda blocked the attack and then she made her own attack, which Fury blocked.
After less than a minute Fury found himself flat on his back, having been out maneuverer and knocked down by the tiny Chinese girl.
"Did I forget to mention that four for years Melinda has been spending, on average, forty-five to fifty hours a week training intensely in martial arts?" Peggy asked, having been quite amused about what happened as she knew from Lian that once Melinda made the switch from Ice Skating to Martial Arts she became completely dedicated, she spent all her spare time training, plus she also spent time she should have been doing other things training too, "Oh and that doesn't include other things her mother has been teaching her her whole life."
"No, you didn't mention that." Fury said, feeling impressed, as Melinda helped him back onto his feet, "I don't remember the last time someone was able to knock me off my feet that quick." Fury commented, and Melinda just smirked back.
"Round two?" Melinda asked, and Fury nods. Seconds later they once more took up their positions and begun to spar once more.
End of flashback
Ever since that day Fury's known not to underestimate Melinda May, but even knowing that there has been countless times where she has surprised even him. When he got word that Melinda was going to fix the problem alone in Bahrain Fury wasn't surprised, he has seen her pull of similar things many time before, but the second he got the full report from Melinda he knew what having to kill a kid would do to her. People who don't know Melinda, or only know her reputation, assume that she doesn't care, but it's the opposite, she cares more than anyone he's ever met.
It has been three months since he debriefed Melinda about that day in the desert, and gave the file a level ten clearance, and since Melinda has been throwing herself into mission and from the reports he has been getting, the concerns he has heard, and the conversations he's had with Phil Coulson, Natasha Romanoff, Maria Hill and Clint Barton he knows that the fearless quality which has mas made her such an amazing agent has turned into having no regard for her own life, which is exactly why he was so concerned when Clint returned from their last mission saying that Melinda went off alone.
As he watches her sleep, a sleep that Fury assumes won't be peaceful for long, he can't help but wonder if she will ever be able to be the Melinda he's called one of his closest friends for twenty-six years again, he wonders if he'll even be able to help her, he's wonders whether she'll ever be okay, or whether he's lost her forever.
For a few hours Fury sits in the chair and just watches, not moving his eyes away from Melinda, as he listens for signs of trouble.
After hours of silence Fury suddenly hears a noise and as he goes for his gun he realises that it's coming from Melinda's direction and so he quickly moves over to her side.
"May, May, wake up." Fury says in a firm voice, but it doesn't do anything she just tosses and turns, muttering in different languages, Fury only being able to make out the occasional word, "Melinda, wake up." Fury says, there being more force in his voice than before, knowing better than touching her in an attempt to wake her up, but that seems to have no effect either as Melinda's voice seems to have even more pain in it than it did seconds earlier, "Agent May, wake up that's an order." Fury says, once more using his director voice even though he would prefer not to as it may be the only thing that works.
Seconds later Melinda bolts up right with a look of pain in on her voice.
"Duìbùqǐ, wǒ hěn bàoqiàn, wǒ bùxiǎng shānghài tā" Melinda says, it not surprising Fury that Melinda is speaking Chinese after a nightmare (I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I didn't want to hurt her.)
"Méiguānxì, méi lín dá. Nǐ shì ānquán de, nǐ bùzài nàlǐ. Jiéshùle." Fury says, slipping into Chinese with ease as he figures that it will be more comforting to Melinda and as he does he can't help but think back to many, many stake outs or long missions, where they were board and would speak in Chinese just to annoy Coulson, (It's okay, Melinda. You're safe, you're not there. It's over.)
"Nick?" Melinda asks, realising her surroundings.
"Yeah."
"You're still here." Melinda says, sounding surprised.
"I told you I wasn't leaving." Fury responds.
"You should. You've got an agency to run." Melinda reminds him.
"You're not the only one who has vacation time." Fury responds, sitting down on the bed, "You made a call in Bahrain, an incredibly hard one, and you saved a lot of agents." Fury reminds Melinda.
"That doesn't change what else I did." Melinda reminds him, "She didn't know what she was doing Nick, and I killed her." Melinda says, "I'll never be okay with that."
"I know." Fury responds, as he never expected her to be, "But you've got to try and live with it Melinda. I know how much you care, and how much you hate yourself for what you had to do, but you've got to keep going, you can't give up." Fury reveals, there being a rare show of emotion in his voice.
"I don't know if I can." Melinda admits.
"That just how you feel now. Give it time Melinda, learn to live with it and let me help you." Fury tells her, "This is something you don't have to do alone." Fury tells Melinda and even though she isn't completely sure she can Melinda gives a small, and hesitant, nod.
Six days later
It has been six days since Fury got Melinda to agree to try to live with what she did and ever since the two of them have been going between safe houses and crappy motels, Melinda being more than sure that Fury has barely let her out of her sight, and as she knows the reason why that would be Melinda can't even find herself being annoyed. In fact, the opposite is true, Melinda finds herself feeling grateful as Fury has managed to help her.
It's about ten o'clock at night and Melinda and Fury are both sitting, crossed legged, on a motel bed, that is covered in take away containers.
"You know what this reminds me off?" Melinda asks, breaking the comfortable silence they have been sitting in for well over an hour, causing Fury to smirk.
"Kuwait, Barton's second mission with us." Fury answers, remembering the two of them, Coulson and Barton crowding on a double bed and eating a lot of take out after barely eating for days.
"We were still ironing out the kinks of being a team of four after being a team of three for so long." Melinda remembers.
"True, but what I remember from that mission is you not telling us that you fractured your wrist and continued to fight." Fury comments.
"Truthfully, I didn't even notice it until after." Melinda admits, taking a bite of her food, "I don't think I can do it anymore, Nick."
"Mel….." Fury starts to say, looking worried.
"I mean being in the field." Melinda clarifies, "If I go back out there I'm just going to keep doing what I have been doing." Melinda explains, "I need a break otherwise next time there might be nothing left to patch up." She admits, being pretty sure that the only reason she is telling Fury as much is because of how much of a help he's been the last few days.
"I'll transfer you." Fury says, not even needing to think about it, "What department do you want to go to?" he asks.
"You're giving me a choice?" Melinda asks, a little surprised by that.
"Ah, huh." Fury says, as he takes a drink of his beer, which is the strongest alcohol they've had in days.
"Admin." Melinda answers, after a few seconds of thinking.
"Consider it done." Fury answers and the two of them drift into silence, nothing more being said as nothing more needs to be said.
While Melinda and Fury are sitting in a motel room eating Clint Barton, Natasha Romanoff, Phil Coulson, and Maria Hill are sitting in Coulson's apartment sharing pizza and beer.
"Are we sure Fury is with Mels?" Clint asks the others.
"As sure as we can be about anything right now." Maria answers, "He disappeared not long after you got back without her, and hasn't be heard from since, it would make sense."
"It would." Phil admits, "I still can't believe you let her go off alone." He says, looking at Clint.
"It's Mel!" Clint says in his defence, "No one can stop her from doing something. Haven't you been trying, and failing to, for twenty-five years?"
"Twenty-six." Phil corrects, "Have you got any leads on where they are?" he asks, looking at Natasha, figuring that if anyone does then it would be her.
"I have a few theories." Natasha admits, "But for now I think we should just let Nick try whatever he's doing."
"What if it's not enough?" Phil asks, it being clear that he is worried, "What if Mel's further from okay than we thought?"
"Then we help her when she gets back from wherever she is." Maria comments, "We don't give up on her."
"Like we ever would." Clint comments.
"And what if we're not enough?" Phil once more asks, and honestly no one has an answer to that so they drift into silence.
Three days later
Ever since she came to the realisation that she cannot go back into the field Melinda has felt a weight lift off her shoulders and since it did she realised that she made the right choice, the best choice for herself.
Having returned to DC Melinda and Fury have made their way to the Triskelion and Fury is showing Melinda where she will work in the Admin department.
"This will be yours, starting Monday." Fury tells Melinda.
"Good." Melinda says with a nod.
"As far as I'm concerned if you ever want to go back to field you just have to give me the word." Fury informs Melinda.
"I don't see that happening anytime soon, but I'll remember that." Melinda comments.
"And with the transfer also comes an increase in clearance." Fury reveals.
"Nick…." Melinda starts to say.
"Being level eight will allow you to handle the paperwork and requisitions for the higher up missions, the missions that Coulson, Barton, Romanoff and Hill will be doing." Fury explains, knowing Melinda well enough to know that she will still want to watch out for her team, in whatever way she can.
"Thank you, Nick." Melinda says sincerely, knowing what he is doing and being thankful for it, "I better pack up my old desk." She comments as she, Natasha, Clint and Phil share a little office when they are on base.
"They'll be there." Fury responds, knowing that Melinda will know exactly who he is talking about.
"I know." Melinda responds before heading out of the room, honestly as he watches Melinda go Fury can't deny that there is a part of him that thinks letting Melinda walk away from the field could make things so much worse for her.
A few minutes after she left Fury, and her new office, Melinda walks into the office that she has been sharing with Phil, Natasha, Clint and before she was promoted Maria, for a very long time. As she walks in Melinda isn't at all surprised to find all four of her friends waiting.
"Mels." Clint says, being the first one to see her, "It's good to see you."
"Melinda, are you okay? Are you back?" Phil asks, looking glad to see her.
"Only to clean out my desk." Melinda answers.
"WHAT!" Maria, Phil and Clint say sounding completely shocked.
"Mel…." Natasha starts to say, watching her friend closely.
"I'm transferring to admin, Fury's already approved it." Melinda explains, then turn to Natasha as she says her next words, "It's what I need." Melinda says, choosing to look directly at Natasha as she will understand.
"Okay." Natasha says, causing Phil, Clint and Maria to look at her.
"This is one of those things that only you two understand, right?" Clint asks, looking between his partner and friend.
"Yes." Natasha answers, not looking away from Melinda.
"You sure about this?" Phil asks curious, looking at his best friend, his partner.
"I'm sure." Melinda assures him.
"Okay then." Phil says with a nod, not saying what he would really like to say as he knows Clint was right, he knows that no one can convince Melinda to do something once she's made up her mind, "It's going to be strange not having you watching my back." Phil comments as it was strange, for him and Melinda, once Fury got his promotion and wasn't in the field with them anymore, but they made it work because they still had each other and they had gotten used to working with Clint at that point, but having neither Melinda or Fury with him in the field isn't something Phil think she's going to be able to get used to, it's going to be too strange, too unfamiliar.
"You'll be fine, you'll have Nat and Clint watching it." Melinda says, looking between her two friends.
"Yeah, he will." Clint assures her.
"I'll make sure of it." Maria adds and the five friends drift into silence, all of them feeling that things are never going to be the same again.
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