He Will Kill Me Himself
Summary: And suddenly Mickey knew that he was everything his father hated. He was a faggot. He sat there in that car, only 10 years old, knowing that he was doomed. Mickey-centric fic with mentions of Ian/Mickey.
Disclaimer: I don't own Shameless. I'm honestly not sadistic enough to come up with what happens on that show half the time.
I just wanted to write a fic explaining how Mickey got to be the way that he is. I'm obsessed with finding out about Mickey's unspoken feelings. That's all I ever seem to write about these days. Anyway, I hope you like it!
Mickey hadn't always been so uptight about being gay. He hadn't always shied away from romance.
As a child, Mickey's feelings had started out innocent enough. When he was 10 years old, he started hanging out with this other boy in his class. They always had fun together, stealing from the local stores and beating the shit out of their classmates. They were inseparable.
Mickey was too young to realize what was happening. All he knew was that he felt drawn to the other boy. And one night, when they'd been out late causing the usual trouble, Mickey acted on instinct. He leaned in and kissed his friend square on the lips.
The other boy responded by punching Mickey in the face. They never spoke again.
On a random day a couple weeks later, Mickey was walking down the street with his father and two of his brothers. They were running an errand in some town he'd never been to before. It was a lot nicer than the south side.
Mickey looked around and sighed as he trailed after his father. He was bored out of his mind. But then, quite unexpectedly, he saw a sight that fascinated him.
Across the street there were two men. And they kissed each other. Right on the mouth. Right in the middle of the street. They looked so happy.
Mickey's heart hurt thinking of the friend who punched him for doing the same thing. He wished that he had responded with a smile, just like the men on the street.
"What the fuck!"
All of Mickey's thoughts halted at the sound of his father's angry voice. His eyes widened as his father pulled out his gun.
"Fucking faggots! You think you can just do that shit wherever you fucking want? I should fucking shoot you both in the head!"
The two men held their hands up in surrender. They looked so scared. This wasn't the south side. They'd probably never even seen a gun before.
"Dad, don't be stupid! The police are like a block away!" one of Mickey's brothers sighed, shaking his head.
"Fuck, you're right," Terry cursed after a second. He grabbed the nearest man and swung the pistol into his face a few times. He was satisfied when he heard a crack of bone.
"Stop! Please!" the other man cried in a sorry attempt to save his lover. Terry was about to turn on him too, but Mickey's other brother stopped him.
"We gotta get outta here, dad," he said. "Or do you want to go to prison again after you just fucking got out?" Terry scoffed.
"If I ever see you faggots again, I'll fucking kill you," he growled, pointing threateningly at the shaking men.
The Milkoviches all ran away as the sound of sirens came closer.
No one in his family noticed, but when they got back to the car, Mickey was shaking. He said nothing, just stared out the window.
"Good fucking job, dad," a Milkovich brother spat sarcastically. "This isn't our shitty neighborhood. You can't just pistol-whip someone in the middle of the fucking street. People actually call the cops here."
"Shut the fuck up," Terry grumbled. "Those fucking ass bandits had it coming."
"Fucking queers," the brother sitting next to Mickey agreed with a laugh.
Mickey had heard of queers and faggots before. He'd heard his father rant a million times about how they should all die. But he'd never actually taken the time to stop and think about what that meant.
He just couldn't understand why his dad hated those two men who were kissing.
"What are queers, again?" Mickey whispered to his brother.
"Guys that fuck each other," his brother snorted, "up the butt!" He shook his head in disbelief, unable to keep from laughing hysterically.
"There are seriously people like that?" Mickey asked in awe.
"I guess," his brother replied.
"Fucking ass monkeys," Terry muttered in disbelief as he drove the car away. "If I ever catch you boys into that shit, I swear to fucking god I won't hesitate to shoot you in the nuts."
His brothers laughed and made faces. "Ew, gross. Who'd ever wanna be a fag?"
Mickey gulped. The color drained from his face.
He thought of that kiss from a couple weeks ago.
He thought of that kiss he saw in the street.
And suddenly he knew that he was everything his father hated. He was a faggot. He sat there in that car, only 10 years old, knowing that he was doomed.
He swore to himself that he wouldn't kiss another boy so easily ever again.
Mickey tried everything he could to change his fate. At thirteen he lost his virginity to a girl that lived nearby. He didn't really hate it, but he didn't enjoy it either. He had to picture naked men the whole time to get hard.
He fucked a couple different girls, but every time pointed to the same conclusion - there was absolutely nothing that could change the fact that he was gay.
After that discovery, it didn't take long before Mickey found the local gay boy and threatened him until he pushed Mickey down and fucked him over a table. Mickey had never cum so hard.
Mickey got good at finding discrete fuck buddies, preferably ones that feared him. He fucked in alleys and bathrooms. There was nothing romantic about it.
Mickey loved getting fucked in the ass. He loved the anticipation of getting bent over. He loved that first painful push of cock inside of him. He loved getting pounded into until cum ran down his thighs.
He could never get enough.
But he never understood why being the bottom was considered the "inferior" role. He laughed every time he thought about it. Most of the "manly" fag-bashers he knew probably couldn't even take it up the ass for a second without crying.
Fucking pussies.
And as much as Mickey wanted to hate himself, he really couldn't. He knew there was nothing wrong with being gay. It was the fucked up world's problem, not his.
Mickey didn't hate himself. He wasn't homophobic. He knew that liking what he likes doesn't make him a bitch.
He isn't ashamed of who he is, but he knows he should be.
As the years went by, there were a few times that Mickey felt those stupid romantic feelings he thought were long dead begin to resurface. He cringed, and shoved those feelings back, killing them until they were gone.
He was already building his own coffin by fucking guys. He thought of that boy he kissed when he was younger and cringed. It was better not to get attached to anyone.
But that all changed with Ian Gallagher.
Mickey hadn't planned on falling for the stupid redhead. The feelings crept up on him, and he didn't realize what was happening until it was too late.
Mickey treated him the same as he treated all the others. He was distant. He pushed him away. He threatened him with bodily harm if he ever even tried to kiss him.
But then it all changed when Mickey was the one who suddenly ran back to the truck and kissed Ian himself.
Mickey got too attached. And he knew that it was only a matter of time, because there was no way he could ever be that happy without there being consequences.
The day that Terry walked in on Ian and Mickey fucking is all a blur in Mickey's head.
He remembers the pain and the blood. He remembers the pained look on Ian's face.
But Mickey avoids remembering anything about that day at all, because he doesn't know if he could continue to hold back the vomit or the tears.
He knew that his father would be the end of him. Ever since he was 10 fucking years old, listening to his father and his brothers jeer about faggots, he knew it.
He never should have gotten attached to Ian Gallagher.
Even after what happened, Ian still tried to talk to him. Ian still cared about him.
But, as much as Mickey wanted to be with Ian, he knew that he shouldn't. They wouldn't get a second chance. His father would kill them both without hesitation.
As Mickey pushed Ian away, he knew it was for the best. Not only for his own survival, but for Ian's as well.