Okay, I fixed the formatting so hopefully it works this time. Again, this takes place just after 5x02. And thanks again for any comments or feedback you might have! I'm new at this.
Callie stared at the necklace in her hand. Her mother's necklace. It had been with her through so much. Wherever they were, whoever they were living with, Callie always felt like as long as she had it around her neck, her mother would still be with her somehow. Would be able to protect her. Which was silly, because if her mother had really been able to protect her then none of those horrible things would have happened…
Callie had a sudden desire to tuck the necklace away, under her shirt where it usually lived. She didn't feel like looking at it anymore. But she had to if she was going to sketch it, and she had to sketch it if she had any shot of getting into art school. Which meant she had to keep looking at it.
Was this what Ximena meant when she'd said Callie had to be fearless? She had to be willing to stare directly into her painful, depressing past and not look away? Making that cell for her senior project had been the hardest thing she'd ever done, and that had at least been about her time in foster care. Those memories made her angry and sad and afraid and everything, but they were nothing compared to how she felt when she thought about her mother. Revisiting who she had been before she went into foster care was like prodding an open wound. Everything that had happened since seemed to eventually scar over, but the time before just didn't seem to want to heal.
She remembered that day in the garden, during Frank's (grandpa? She still felt strange calling him that.) funeral. When she had lost it over losing the necklace and thinking she might never be part of a family again. She had cried to Stef even though her mother had died six years before and Stef had just lost her dad earlier that week. Callie shouldn't have done that—made Stef's grief about herself. She still felt guilty about it sometimes. And she hadn't been able to open up like that again.
Gazing at that necklace, though, she felt that same rush of emotion threaten to overwhelm her. She couldn't let it. Not here. She was in the middle of a college classroom, surrounded by artists who were trying to focus. The last thing she wanted to be was that weird high school kid who started sobbing out of the blue.
"Hey." Ximena whispered next to her. "You okay?"
Callie took a steadying breath. "Yeah." She said, failing to sound normal. "You know, I'm actually not feeling great. I might take off early today."
Ximena looked over at her, clearly worried. "You want a ride home?"
"No." Callie replied, struggling to pack up her things before the floodgates opened. "I'll be fine, thanks."
She scrambled from the room, just barely making it out of the building before she started to cry in earnest, one desperate hand pressed against her mouth as though she was trying to hold the emotions inside. She turned and walked part of the way down the next block before coming to a stop with her back pressed against the trunk of a waving palm tree, hidden from the foot traffic on the sidewalk. She took a few breaths and counted slowly. One Two Three. The world wasn't pressing in around her quite as much. Four Five. Her pulse wasn't racing. Six Seven Eight. Her breathing slowed. Nine Ten.
She'd learned that trick from her therapist. Her panic attacks had slowed down a lot once Liam went to jail, but they had never stopped entirely. She'd just gotten better at talking herself down from them. She'd pushed herself too far today, that was all. She needed to take it more gradually. Staring at the necklace for a whole class period obviously wasn't going to work for her. Maybe she should start a second project and split her time. That way she could switch over whenever she started feeling overwhelmed.
Having a plan helped her calm down. She felt well enough to make her way home, and stepped out from behind the tree, straight into the path of Ximena.
"Hey." The older girl said. She took in Callie's red eyes, her shaking hands, and a kind smile came to her face. "I was just coming to check on you."
Callie forced a smile that she was sure didn't look genuine. "Sorry, I just got a little claustrophobic."
"The smell of paint will do that to you." She stared a little too intensely for Callie's comfort. "You sure you don't want a ride home?"
Ximena's car was cool. Everything about Ximena was cool. She had cool music on a cool ipod plugged into her cool car that she used to drive herself to her cool roller-derby practices. All of it just made Callie self-conscious because she knew she would never be like Ximena. She could never live so effortlessly.
"So I don't really know anything about you." Ximena said.
Callie nodded, but really she didn't want to have this conversation. She liked that Ximena didn't know anything about her. She would much rather leave it that way. Usually, in Callie's experience, the more people knew about her, the less time they wanted to spend with her.
"Uh yeah. There's not that much to know."
"That's not true." Ximena told her, letting out a bark of a laugh. "You know how I know?"
"How?"
"Because boring people love to talk about themselves. They never shut up about cute stuff their dog does or celebrity crushes. People who have nothing to say post pictures of their lunch on instagram." Callie let out of a laugh in spite of herself. "It's the quiet ones who have something real going on."
Callie didn't say anything, but secretly she agreed. It was the same reason she could never seem to connect with the girls at her school. People like Talya, who'd never had to face real hardship, just couldn't understand what it was like to be Callie. The things people like that talked about—cared about—just seemed so pointless.
"Am I wrong?" Ximena asked, glancing over.
Callie gave a reluctant smile. "You're not wrong." She admitted.
"So? Tell me about yourself. I know your mom isn't around. You live with your dad? You said he bought you that art set."
"Uh… no." Callie was getting nervous again. She didn't want to tell her story. She didn't even want to think about it. "I mean, yeah. My birth dad bought me that case. But I actually haven't known him that long."
"Oh." There it was. The little hitch in Ximena's voice. That uncertainty where she started to wonder what she'd gotten herself into. "So who do you live with?"
"My two moms. They adopted me and my little brother a little while ago."
"So you have a brother. What's he like?"
"He's great. I mean, he's always been there. And now I have two more brothers and a sister."
Ximena seemed to think about this for a moment. Callie wished the ride would end.
"Is that hard? Becoming part of a family you didn't grow up with? It sounds like it would be tough." They were approaching the house. Callie willed the car to speed up. To get her out of this conversation.
"I don't know. I mean it's just sort of my life. You know?"
"Yeah. I get that." Ximena seemed to catch onto the fact that she had made Callie uncomfortable. She was silent for the last few minutes of the drive, and didn't object when Callie scrambled from the car.
"Thanks." Callie called over her shoulder, and nearly ran to the house, fumbling with her keys as she went.
Callie was quiet that night at dinner. She was hoping no one would notice, but, as usual, Stef spoke up.
"So how was class today, Cal? You didn't say anything when you got back."
"Uh yeah." Callie replied, trying to sound nonchalant. "It was fine."
"Seemed like you finished up a little early." Lena added. Callie wished they would stop.
"Not really." Callie shrugged. "Maybe a couple minutes."
They dropped it, but Callie noticed them share a look. She knew what that look meant—they were going to find a time to corner her later and make her talk to them. But she didn't want to talk to them.
"Actually, Daphne invited me over tonight. Can I go?" It was a lie, but Daphne would be more than happy if Callie showed up, so it was pretty safe as far as lies went.
Lena and Stef immediately looked doubtful. "I don't know, sweets. I mean, don't you want to spend some time at home?"
"It's Friday night." Callie countered. "And Daphne was really worried about me too and I think she just wants to see that I'm really okay." It was a calculated move and she could tell it hit a soft spot with her mothers. If there was anything they could sympathize with it was being worried about Callie.
"I'm going to drop you off and pick you up." Stef stipulated. "And you stay at Daphne's. Nowhere else."
"Sure. Yes."
"Then you may go."
Callie stood, relieved. "Then I should probably go get ready." She started toward her room, but Lena's voice called her back.
"You haven't eaten anything."
"I'm good." Callie replied over her shoulder, and ran up the stairs, shooting a quick text to Daphne as she went, warning of her arrival.
As expected Daphne was more than happy to see her when Stef dropped her off half an hour later. It was a relief just to be in the sparse apartment, away from prying eyes.
"So you gonna tell me what's up with you?" Daphne asked.
"I'm sorry." Callie told her, "But I'm just done with talking right now. It seems like ever since I got back all anyone wants to do is have deep, meaningful conversations with me."
Daphne gave a commiserating sigh. "Trust me girl, I know."
"So how's GU?" Callie changed the subject. "You know, after everything happened?"
"Rita 'bout lost her mind when she heard what you did. I thought she was gonna start knocking on doors herself until she found you. And Tina cried all night, she felt so guilty."
A pang hit Callie. Two more people she'd hurt. "Tina shouldn't feel guilty. It wasn't her fault."
"Yeah, I told her you were just being a dumbass."
Callie glanced up at Daphne's wry look. For the first time in what felt like weeks, she really laughed. "Yep. That's pretty much what happened."
"Look, you know I've done my share of stupid stuff. Hell, you've helped me get out of half of it. Don't beat yourself up too bad over this. Just see it as a learning experience."
Callie laughed harder. "So what? Now you know not to kidnap people and I know not to run away with drug dealing pimps?"
"Exactly. And we're both better people for it."
"I'm pretty sure most people don't have to learn stuff like that through experience."
Daphne's face turned slightly more serious. "Yeah, but Callie, most people have folks around to teach them all that. People like you and me? Sometimes it just takes longer. But we get there. You know, once we've screwed up enough times."
Callie was filled with a rush of affection for Daphne. She put her arms around the young woman, who jokingly tried to fight her off.
"Hey, I didn't say we could get all mushy about it." Daphne protested.
"Remember that time you got a gang to beat me up?" Callie countered. "You owe me." Daphne stopped struggling, conceding the point.
Once Callie let go, Daphne tossed a pillow at her. "And don't think I won't do it again."
A quiet settled over the room.
"So that's it? You're just still working through what happened?" Daphne finally asked. Callie glanced up at her and decided to be honest.
"Actually, I've been doing this art project and… I really want to go see my dad."
"Well call him up." Daphne told her playfully. "Robert's probably waiting by the phone, dreaming of the day you'll call him."
"No, not Robert. My real… I mean… Donald. I want to see Donald."
"You're doing an art project about Donald?"
"About my mom." Callie corrected. "And I just… I want to talk to someone about her. Someone who actually knew her. Someone who misses her as much as I do."
"What about Jude?"
"Jude was only six when she died. Most of what he knows about her is stuff I told him."
Daphne sighed. "Okay. So you know where he lives?"
Callie looked down at her hands. She knew Daphne wasn't going to like this. "About half a mile from here."
"Callie!" The reaction was expected and immediate. "You did not come over here just so you could sneak off and see Donald."
"I won't be long. I'll just head over for an hour tops then I'll come straight back."
"Do you know what your mother would do to me if you disappeared again on my watch? Do you know how long you'd be searching for my body?"
"I'm not running away. It's just a quick visit."
But Daphne wasn't having it. "If you just tell your moms then they can set up a visitation. One that doesn't involve you showing up at his door a ten o'clock at night."
"I just don't want to make this a thing, okay? I don't want to add this to the list of things that everyone needs to ask me about all the time. I just want one conversation with him and then I'll be done. You understand that, Daphne. I know you do."
For a moment Daphne held her gaze, but then she relented. "You know I got Stef's number, right?"
"I know."
"And if you are gone for one minute past an hour, I intend to use it."
"One hour. I promise."
"Well, for the record I still think it's a bad idea. But I'm not going to stop you."
Callie stood, smiling. "Thank you."
"Okay, get going."
Callie hurried to the door, pulling her coat around her shoulders as she went.