He still isn't sure when exactly did this happen. They used to be so in love with each other. They spent weekends lying in bed because they just couldn't get enough of each other. They could never be too close, never kiss too much. And then everything changed.
It didn't happen overnight, he knows that but it still feels like it did. They used to fall asleep holding the other in their arms, whispered words of love to each other like a lullaby and woke up with smile on their faces because they somehow never got too far even when they were asleep.
Now he wakes up in a cold empty bed and silent apartment. Just as silent as their marriage.
He remembers when they started fighting more and more often. They always fought a lot, mostly over pointless things, and then ended up kissing and laughing after. But somehow the kisses and laughter became less and less frequent until there were only the never ending fights left. They fought over Sebastian spending more and more hours at work. They fought over Kurt ignoring him for days when he got new ideas for his designs. They argued over what to order for dinner or who was supposed to do the dishes. And then even the fighting stopped and their marriage fell apart.
Sometimes he looks at their wedding photographs and cries. Cries because everything is broken, cries because he still remembers how in love they used to be, cries because when he looks at Sebastian now, sometimes he wonders if their love is just gone and they're still together only because they don't even care enough to leave.
They come home in the end of most days, say hello to each other, Kurt cooks them dinner and they eat in silent. Sebastian doesn't even come home every day anymore, says that he has to work late and doesn't have the energy to spend an hour on the train in the middle of the night just to wake up few hours later to go back to work so he stays there and sleeps on the couch. Kurt knows it's a lie and Sebastian knows that Kurt knows. Still, he never says anything.
He remembers the exact day Sebastian started cheating on him. It was the first day his husband didn't look him in the eyes after he came back home from work. He could smell the stranger on Sebastian's skin when he came close to him and almost threw up. They haven't had sex since. It's been four months and three days.
Kurt sobbed that night in the shower and when he came out of the bathroom Sebastian looked at him like he was about to say something. There was a regret in his eyes and he opened his mouth a little but in the end just went to bed without saying a word.
Their relationship is slowly killing him. He knows that he should leave but somehow he can't. He's not really sure if it is because he loves Sebastian or because he just doesn't know where else to go. He wonders why does Sebastian stay with him and he hates himself because he secretly hopes that his husband still loves him. He never asks about the real reason though because he's not ready to hear Sebastian's answer.
Kurt sighs and opens a bottle of wine. He drinks a lot these days. One of the reasons is because when Sebastian sees him with a glass of wine, he looks worried and there's guilt in his eyes. Because he's aware that he's the reason Kurt's been drinking so much and Kurt can actually see that he still cares about him. At least a little. But he never lets Sebastian to see him drunk. He can't fall asleep without a glass of wine or two, but he never finishes the bottle when his husband spends the night at home. He never allows Sebastian to see him cry, he never allows him to see him broken. Because he's too afraid that he would find out Sebastian doesn't care anymore afterall.
It's one of the rare weekends that Sebastian spends at home. They watch TV together, Kurt asks him about his last case and Sebastian pretends to be interested in his new designs even though both of them know that he never cared or understood what Kurt was talking about. Kurt cooks them lunch and they order pizza for dinner. They eat in silence, like they always do these days and Sebastian looks worried because he can't not notice that Kurt barely touches his food. He doesn't say anything though, he never does. Even if he notices that Kurt lost quite a lot of weight and that he doesn't eat enough.
They watch a movie after Sebastian washes their dishes and it's uncomfortable for both of them. Kurt can't remember the last Saturday night that Sebastian spent at home.
„Why aren't you with him?"
The words leave his mouth before he can stop himself. He hopes that Sebastian won't hear him or that he will just ignore his question but his husband's head snaps and he immediately turns his attention from the movie non of them is watching to Kurt.
He's silent for a few seconds but it feels like hours to Kurt. „How long have you known?" he asks then and Kurt actually laughs. Sebastian has at least enough decency to look away and be ashamed but his eyes find Kurt's soon and this time it's Kurt who can't stand to look into his husbands eyes and who turns away.
„Since the first day," he says eventually. His voice is calm but his hands are shaking and so he grabs the now almost empty glass of wine and drinks the rest in one go.
Sebastian nods. „I'm sorry."
„Me too."
Kurt thinks that this is the end of their conversation. He wonders if Sebastian will finally leave him now and this will also mean the end of their marriage. He almost hopes that he will.
„I'm gonna take a bath," he says and gets up from the couch and as he looks at Sebastian again he freezes. There are tears in his eyes and when their eyes meet Kurt sits back on the couch.
„Sebastian, what happened to us?" he asks and it takes everything in him not to reach for his husband's hand like he used to just a few months ago.
„I don't know, Kurt. I don't know," Sebastian whispers, closes his eyes and takes several deep breaths. „I fucked everything up. God, I fucked up."
Kurt doesn't say anything. He's not sure what Sebastian is talking about so he just waits for the moment Sebastian will finally tell him that he's leaving him.
„Do you want me to move out?" Sebastian asks eventually.
Kurt's taken by surprise. Why is Sebastian asking him? It's not like he can stop him from leaving.
„Do you want to move out?" he says after a moment of silence.
Sebastian shakes his head almost immediately. „No."
„Why?"
Sebastian doesn't answer for a while. It looks like he's thinking about the right way to answer Kurt's question. Like he's not exactly sure himself why he still wants to stay.
Kurt reaches for his glass but then he realizes that it's empty.
„You've been drinking a lot," is what Sebastian says and Kurt has to stop himself from snapping at him that it's non of his business anymore.
„So?"
„It's not good for you."
„And why do you care?"
„Kurt..." Sebastian's voice breaks and he looks away from him, his eyes landing on their framed wedding photo.
„Why, Sebastian? Just answer my question. Why?"
He's not even sure what exactly is he asking. Why does Sebastian still care? Why won't he move out? Why did he cheat on him? He desperately needs an answer to all those questions yet he's terrified to actually hear it.
„I don't know," Sebastian whispers and Kurt wants to yell at him but he doesn't get the chance because Sebastian continues talking. „I just... We kept fighting so much and when we weren't fighting you just ignored me and after a while I just thought that maybe... maybe you didn't want me anymore. Our marriage was falling apart and I didn't know how to stop it. You know Matthew started working in our law firm about a year ago. I knew he wanted me. He was pretty blatant about it and I ignored him, even told him that I'm married but he just didn't care. And one night after a long day at work and few days of silence at home he came to my office and I just- I just-"
„I don't want to hear it," Kurt says quickly and Sebastian nods.
„You didn't say anything."
„About what?" Kurt asks.
„When I came home that night I hoped you'd notice. I wanted you to say something. I needed you to say something. To yell at me. To cry. Anything. But you didn't. And I just assumed that maybe you didn't care."
„I did."
„I know."
There's silence between them again. Kurt notices that the movie's over and there's black screen on the TV. He can see their reflection in it and has to turn away. They're still young. They should be happy and in love. But what he sees is two broken men who have no idea what to do.
„I still do, you know?" he adds after a moment.
Sebastian keeps watching their wedding photo but eventually looks at his husband again. Kurt doesn't understand the expression on his face. His eyes are shining and pleading and they burn right into Kurt's skin. He suddenly has an urge to turn away, to stare at anything else except Sebastian's face. But he can't. He just cannot look away so he stares back until Sebastian is the one to break their eye contact. His eyes slide to Kurt's mouth and he hesitates for a second before he closes the space between them and kisses Kurt.
It's been weeks since they kissed and Kurt feels his whole body melting into his husband's touch. He craves his lips, his hands and his body heat. Every fiber of his being needs Sebastian but he pulls away soon because he's also confused and doesn't understand why is Sebastian doing it.
He wants to ask what is happening but Sebastian doesn't give him the chance. He strokes Kurt's face in his hands, touches his pink lips and looks at him in a way he hasn't for so long it makes Kurt want to cry. He forgets everything he wanted to say and just breathes and when Sebastian kisses him again he kisses him back with the same force and clenches his husband's shirt so hard he's surprised he doesn't hear fabric being ripped.
He's aware in the back of his mind that there is thousand and more reasons why he shouldn't be doing this but he decides to ignore every single one of them. He allows himself to get lost in Sebastian's touch one last time. Because he knows that this is a goodbye. It can't be anything else. But he will take what he can get and cries when it's over and Sebastian will be gone.
„God, you're so beautiful. So fucking beautiful," Sebastian whispers into his mouth and it takes everything in Kurt not to break down at the exact moment but he forbids himself from thinking and instead clutches Sebastian's shirt even harder.
They're kissing with such force that they're both out of breath soon but they refuse to let go of each other even for one second. Sebastian worships Kurt's tongue, licks into his mouth and before long Kurt's whole body is shaking with want. He allows his hands to slide under Sebastian's shirt and wander over his body. He touches every piece of skin he can reach, tries to memorize every muscle and it doesn't take long before Sebastian is moaning in his mouth and his body is vibrating with desire just as much as Kurt's is.
„I need you. Kurt, I need you so much," Sebastian begs and Kurt stops kissing him then and pulls away a little.
„No, babe, come back," Sebastian pleads immediately and then opens his eyes. There's concern written on his face almost instantly. „Kurt?" he asks carefully and strokes his husband's cheek.
„I...," Kurt speaks and then swallows.
One last time, he thinks. One last time. He can do that. He can have one last night and then let Sebastian go. He can. At least that's what he tells himself when he takes Sebastian's hand in his and gets up from the couch.
„Let's move to the bedroom," he says.
Their bedroom. At least for one more night.
It doesn't take long before they get rid off their clothes. They touch each other like they know it's their last chance. They cling to each other and worship every part of their bodies they can reach. Sebastian kisses Kurt's neck and licks the spot there that drives Kurt crazy until he's a moaning mess underneath him. They kiss until their lips are swollen and when Sebastian starts slowly stroking Kurt he's on the verge of tears because he craved this for months. Sebastian's touches didn't feel this good way before they stopped having sex.
It doesn't take Sebastian long to prepare Kurt then. He carefully opens him with his fingers, aware of how long it's been since the last time they had sex. When he finally enters him, it doesn't feel like just having sex though. Sebastian was never much of a romantic, but when he kisses Kurt and entwines their fingers, it feels a lot like making love. He whispers Kurt's name over and over and his husband cries Sebastian's name in return.
It's like the whole world disappeared and there are only Kurt and Sebastian left. They hold onto each other like they never want to let go. And in that moment they don't.
„I've missed you so fucking much," Sebastian whispers in Kurt's ear at one point before kissing him again and it's too much for Kurt to handle. He tries not to cry but tears are running down his face before he even realizes it.
„No, baby, please don't cry. It's okay, everything's okay," Sebastian murmurs and then he repeats Kurt's name over and over again until the tears stop. He kisses Kurt's cheeks and eyelids and holds him while he keeps trusting into him.
It feels like hours have passed until they both come. When they do they're both unusually quiet and neither is ready to let the other go so they cling to each other for long. Sebastian pulls out of Kurt eventually but he quickly throws the condom in the trashcan and then crawls back to bed where he cuddles close to Kurt and strokes his hair.
They don't talk and Kurt tries really hard not to think about tomorrow. He kisses Sebastian softly on the lips and right before he falls asleep he thinks he hears Sebastian whispering that he loves him.
When Kurt wakes up the next morning he's alone. Sebastian's side of the bed is long cold and when he remembers what happened last night, there are tears in his eyes again. But he knew it was the last time. He knew it. But he also felt how Sebastian touched him and heard how he whispered Kurt's name. Was that all just his imagination because he wanted Sebastian to still love him?
He sniffs Sebastian's pillow that smells like his shampoo and holds it close to his shattered heart. There were times when he wasn't sure if he still loved Sebastian but the pain he feels now tells him how much in love with the man he said his vow to he still is. Kurt thinks that he should have fought for their marriage harder, he should have never let Sebastian go but it's too late for that now.
Kurt takes a deep breath and looks at the picture on Sebastian's nightstand. Santana took it few weeks after they got together and then sent it to them with a comment that their in it so deep it's disgusting. He also remembers how she said the same on their wedding day. He's about to reach for the framed photo when he hears noise coming from the kitchen and he gets up immediately. He doesn't even realize that he's still naked and heads to the door. When he opens it he can see Sebastian holding a bag full of groceries.
„Sebastian?" he says and god, his voice sounds awful.
Sebastian turn towards him instantly. There's a ghost of a smile on his face but it disappears when he notices the tears in his husband's eyes.
„What are you doing here?" Kurt asks in a weak voice and Sebastian puts the bag down and quickly walks towards him.
„I bought breakfast," he explains with a hint of uncertainty.
„But... I-I thought...I thought that-"
„I called him and ended it," he says. „And I called my boss and quit my job. I still have to finish my cases but it shouldn't take long. I fucked up so much Kurt. I ruined everything but I swear that I'll never hurt you like that again if you give me one more chance."
„You're not leaving me?" Kurt asks because he can't believe that he's not dreaming.
„Baby," Sebastian says and takes Kurt's hand firmly in his, „I love you. I've never loved anyone so much, of course I'm not leaving you. I was a fucking immature idiot."
„I woke up alone and I just thought that-"
„I'm sorry," Sebastian whispers and softly kisses Kurt. „I hoped you won't wake up until I make you strawberry pancakes but I had to go to the store and buy the ingredients."
„They're my favourite," Kurt smiles and Sebastian nods.
„I know."
„You're not leaving me."
„I'm not leaving you. I love you and I'll be your husband as long as you'll have me."
Kurt's aware it won't be easy. They're both stubborn and stupid and they will always fight. He thought that they're broken beyond repair but maybe it's not the case. He wants to fight for their marriage. He wants to fight for their love. He's terrified of giving Sebastian another chance but he's also still stupidly in love with this man and is not ready to give up what they have.
„If you ever cheat on me again I will put poison in your food," Kurt says eventually and the smile on Sebastian's face is so big and happy that his whole body melts.
„Deal. But I won't. I swear."
He knows words don't mean anything but Kurt still decides to trust Sebastian not to break his heart again. It's going to be difficult but they can make it work. Love is not always enough but he hopes the love they still have for each other will help them fix their relationship and will remind them not to give up on each other if things get too hard.
He doesn't say that he loves Sebastian back, he's not ready to say that out loud yet but when he kisses him, he's sure that his husband can feel how much he's loved. And that has to be enough for now.