The Random Story of Locke's Musical Butt

A/N: This is the wackiest thing I have ever had the fortune of writing. It was conceived after me and the sisters finished the LOST ep Par Avion. We were all kinda on a sugar high so I won't blame you when you finish and yell WTF!!

Kate, Sayid, and Locke are crouched in the bushes. There stare with surprise (and in Kate's case, total and completely bubbling hot jealous betrayed anger) as Jack cheerfully plays football with Zeke, the nice, chubby, and obviously gay Other.

Zeke overcorrects his throw and the ball goes sailing into the bushes, ultimately thonking Sayid on the top of his noodle. POP!

"MY BUN!!" Sayid howls as the said bun uncurls from its former position. He draws two previously well-disguised guns and charges from the foliage, twirling them expertly. Kate and Locke follow tentatively.

"That was my last rubber band!!" he shrieks. "Now I shall have to steal Kate's!"

"Wha—no way!" Kate declares, and she and Sayid begin to pull each others' hair out.

"Leave her hair alone!" Jack cries and leaps into the fray.

Locke and Zeke stand back awkwardly and watch. Then Locke pats his shiny bald head and sighs, "I wish I even had a bun for someone to steal…."

Zeke's face brightens up and he grabs Locke's behind enthusiastically. (Hey, he didn't specifically mention what kind of bun.)

Locke shrieks in a girly voice, but that isn't the only odd noise we hear. His butt does not make the expected honk associated with butt pinching. Instead it goes, "Puff….Puff…….wheeze puff….wheeeeez……It's my party and I'll cry if I want to! Cry if I want to! You would cry to if it happen—"

Mystified, Zeke squeezes again. Locke smiles weakly.

"Puff….puff clunk…..Love love me do! You know I love you! I'll always be true. So pleeeeaaaase, love me do!!"

So this is the secret kept from the Losties; Locke's mysterious gift? He tried to hide it all these years by sitting in a wheelchair. But when the plane crashed, it all changed!

"Erm….Locke?" Claire had said one evening. "Me and Charlie were going on a romantic picnic. I wonder, could you just hang your bum out of a bush and play us a tune? Pretty please!"

And Locke had agreed, coz he liked Claire a lot.

"Don't you want me baby? Don't you want me oh-oh-oh-oh!" Locke's butt sang.

"Oh, I love this song!" said Claire. "Turn it up Charlie!"

Charlie shambles over. "How do you turn this thing up?"

Sighing, Locke points to his right eye. Charlie begins to poke it, but nothing gets any louder.

"Why isn't it working?"

"Harder," Locke mutter.

Charlie begins to punch Locke's eye.

"DON'T YOU WANT ME BABY? DON'T YOU WANT ME OH-OH-OH-OH!!"

"That's better," Claire says dreamily. "What a perfect night!"

And so, with an abrupt ending that leaves you no where, and an awkward silence that will most surely follow, I bring to a close the Random Story of Locke's Musical Butt. THE END.

Alright, what little self-respect I had is now utterly extinct. Thank you very much. Butt remember, I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS!!!!!