Holding
On
by Lucy Maria Elmer
A Diane Lloyd story.
It's over. My baby's gone. Steve's baby. The one that we created. The one I only found out about today. I had an inkling before the scan, the waves of nausea I'd been suffering with making me aware of my baby's existence at times when I didn't really need the reminder, in the middle of an operation for example under Rics watchful eye. I'd put it down to drink then. I'd pretended. I'd made a joke out of the fact that my baby was just showing its mother that it was there. Even at Danny's farewell party after work I told the girls it was drink causing the sickness. I didn't want to believe it was a baby, even when I was suffering from morning sickness in the stall. It was just too much. It was too hard to even bear thinking about. Steve was gone; it was hard enough to deal with the fact that I'd lost him, but to be carrying his baby? One that wasn't planned. One that I wasn't sure I was even ready for...I'd never felt so lost in my life.
When I saw our child on that screen I felt numb. I'd never really considered myself as the motherly type. My career's always been everything to me. But it was a life. It was a human being growing inside of me, protected inside my womb, and even though I pretended as the day went on, how could I not feel something for my child?
When I saw baby Lily and took care of Ollie I couldn't help but wonder what our child would be like. What it would feel like as the pregnancy progressed...Whether I'd be a good mother, but every time I thought like that doubts overshadowed any thoughts of impending motherhood. How could I do it alone? How could a person so career driven, as I was, cope with having a baby? What if I was too selfish to be a mother?
Instinctively I asked for a termination. As soon as the scan was finished. I think it was out of fear of the unknown more than anything else. I'd never been as scared in my life as I was today seeing the baby on the screen for that first and last time and as selfish as it sounds I wanted things back to how they were before because I was just too scared to face anything different. I could tell Mubbs thought it was too soon. I know Ric thought the same and Jess... I couldn't believe it when she told me about her abortion...about how Alex had gotten her pregnant and not wanted the baby while she did at first. I really had no idea. All I could say when she was telling me about her own experiences was that I wanted it over with minimum fuss. How I just didn't want to be pregnant. How I just couldn't have a baby...but who was I trying to kid? I think I was trying to convince myself more than I was her. Someone who would probably understand how scared I was because I would be doing this alone, because the father of this baby was dead. I told her I'd thought it through. I told myself that it was right. My career's everything to me, how could I have a baby...? But now as I walk away all I feel is empty inside. It feels like my heart is breaking and it suddenly hits me, for the first time since Mubbs confirmed the pregnancy with the scan, up until a little while ago I was going to be a mother. What I saw on that screen this morning really was a little baby who was a part of me and now for the first time the numbness that was stopping me from feeling anything but shock evaporates and I just freeze and it's like the whole world just stops.
How could I have spoken like that to Jess? Acted like my own child wasn't important? Like it was just an inconvenience I needed to disappear in some sort of quick fix? I don't think that was what I wanted at all. I took the numbness as a sign that a termination wouldn't affect me...that I wouldn't be a good mother because I wasn't automatically feeling anything for my child...because I was too in shock to do so. I used it as an excuse when I was talking to Jess about why I was going through with the termination, but now that numbness has gone and the reality of the situation takes its place.
For the whole day it's been as if I was in a haze. Like I couldn't see straight. I wished I wasn't pregnant, only because I didn't want to face the reality that came with it and the decision I had to make, but the reality is I was pregnant. I was carrying a child, and I couldn't escape from that no matter how hard I tried to. The sickness stopped me from doing that. I acted like it was no big deal when in reality it was as if my whole world was spinning out from under me, and the one person who could steady it didn't know how to even start to do that. I didn't even know how to do that. All I knew was everything had changed and no matter what choice I made I couldn't go back to how things were before. Whatever I did I would always know that if I did terminate my child it had still once existed and would always think of the what ifs. If I didn't I would always be reminded of Steve's death. Everything had changed and I wished so hard that I had thought through the consequences before.
When I was taking care of Ollie and saw little Lily and looked at their tiny little features I can't pretend I wasn't affected. Looking at them made me realise just what I was going to lose if I had the termination. Every time I felt the slightest love for my child, the slightest hint of happiness that I was going to be a mother, when I looked at those little children I began to panic. I began to tell myself what a bad mother I'd make. How I was too career driven. How I wasn't ready for a child and couldn't possibly bring the baby I had been carrying inside me into the world, and I kept on telling myself until I totally believed it. I was too afraid to have my child and so afraid of doing it alone that when I was sitting waiting for Mubbs I couldn't see any other choice.
When I woke up this morning I found myself lying on my bed with my hand over my stomach. I'd already guessed about the baby before the scan. I'd guessed the day I felt nauseous in theatre and every moment of the day I found myself thinking about it. Even today at work I found my hand subconsciously drifting to my stomach as if to protect the baby inside...but I didn't protect it. Instead I...
When I was in theatre with Ric I so wanted him to reassure me that I'd be a good mother. I so wanted him to tell me everything would be okay if I had this child, but he couldn't. He wouldn't do it in front of the other surgeons. I know he only told Jess now because he was worried I was doing something that I would regret and I so wish I could have listened to him instead of brushing his concern aside the way I did. I'd backed myself into a corner I couldn't get out of, I'd told myself I'd feel nothing, but the strength of the feelings that are so strong inside me now was something I wasn't expecting.
As the tears become harder to fight against I quicken my pace to get to my car. I can't get out of my head what it was like in that room. Every time I take a step there's an uncomfortable reminder. I just want to get home and crawl into bed and forget about the day but I know that can't happen. I know it's something I'll never forget because the hurt I feel now goes so deep. This child...what would have grown into a tiny human being that I would have felt move inside me and whose heartbeat I would have heard on a scan was a part of Steve and I took that away. I took away a chance of being a mother, and I'm not sure what hurts more...the incredible guilt or the fact I didn't wait to get over the shock before making a decision because now I'm not sure I made the right one. I was so scared that I just ran away from my responsibility, and I know deep down what I did made sense, but that doesn't stop the hurt. It doesn't stop the tears or the sadness. It doesn't stop me wishing that I would stop running away from the things that scare me instead of maybe taking a chance. The stupid thing is I always wanted children and I don't think anyone knows it. The maternal side of me is a side I tend to keep to myself. I don't even think Ric has ever seen that side of me but the idea of doing it alone scares me to death. I suppose now I don't have to.
Climbing into the car I slowly drive home, the tears that have fallen so often these past few weeks clouding my vision as they stream once again down my cheeks. I'm amazed I actually get there in one piece. Gently getting myself up off the seat I make my way inside and as soon as I get in I change. I can't bear to be in these clothes anymore. As I do I catch my reflection in the mirror and seeing my tear streaked face makes me cry so hard I just collapse down on to the bed and sob. I find my hand once again resting on my stomach but this time I can't bear to move it.
"I'm sorry Steve." I whisper through the tears that show no sign of stopping, hoping wherever he is he understands why I did what I did today. "And I'm so sorry my little baby." I add slowly laying down on the bed and pulling the blankets around myself knowing there were going to be many tears tonight and that while I would try to hide it there would always be a part of me that wondered what if.
I would make a good mother one-day in the future...just not now...not today.