Don't Look At Me.
This a story of self injury and self hatred. Please if you find anything in this story triggering click back and get away.
Disclaimer: I do not own any place, things or charaters in this story. If I did I would have a better laptop and an amazing house.
"Ronald get down here! She'll be here any minute!!" I heard my mother's voice scream up the stairs.
Hermione's parents were on their summer holiday in France again so they are sending her to us. We got an owl from Dumbledore telling us we will get Harry in a few more weeks for reasons, "not disclosed." whatever that old man means I'm not sure. But we still get Hermione!
"Ronald, hurry!"
"Coming Mum!"
One last look around my room, everything looks tidy enough.
One more look in the mirror gosh gag I will never look good, and I run down the stairs taking them two at a time. As I enter the kitchen I see Percy giving Hermione a shy hug, Bill next leave it to him to save the damsel in distress. Charlie putting a arm on Bills back leading him away, giving her a small hug. Before she could breathe George and Fred coming in at her sides for a "Hermione sandwich" each ending the hug with a kiss on her blushing cheeks. Ginny the only girl in the Weasley kids giving Hermione a much needed testosterone break, dad coming to her and embracing her as if she were his own, fatherly, loving and great fondness for the bushy-haired girl. Mum next pulling her in for a bone crushing hug and holding her at arms length inspecting her from top to bottom, shaking her head and clicking her tongue,
" A little peaky and much too thin. You are just in time for some of your favorite chicken and spuds."
At last Charlie takes Hermione's bags and take them upstairs. My family spreads out and sits at the table waiting for the finishing touches on dinner. There she was, the most beautiful girl in the world, we lock eyes and stare at each other as if we hadn't seen the other in 10 years.
It is my turn to hold her, smell her, speak to her. Let my dreams become a reality.
"Hermione!" I whispered, but she must have heard me. Her emotionless face lit up and a wide smile broke out. I held out my arms for her she walked towards me in almost a dreamlike state. I wrapped my arms around her and I let out a dry chuckle, where did that come from?
She is the only one that can make me do this, I close my eyes and take in a deep breathe of her scent, one of old parchment and dittany, I was in euphoria and I couldn't help myself. I pick her up in a hug and twirl her around once in the air and when her feet touch solid ground her fit of giggles begin to subside. Our eyes met one more and our smiles faded and our hands slowly feel limp to our sides.
"Hermione come sit down dear, dinner's ready" mum called as she sat the plate of chicken in the center of the table.
My right had instinctively fell to the small of her back guiding her to the set between Ginny and I.
The small chatter around the kitchen was annoying to say the least but I guess I will get my turn to be alone, and my time to be alone with Hermione. Ginny and Hermione were busy catching up so I grabbed a plate and filled it with a chicken breast, spuds and gravy, and some carrots, put the plate in front of Hermione she said thank you without looking at me.
I grabbed my plate from in front of me looked for the smallest piece of chicken as I was putting the chicken on my plate Hermione's leg brushed against mine, with the sudden contact between us I shivered so hard that I dropped the piece into the gravy bowl, which in turn caused the gravy to splash and spill all over Hermione.
I looked over at her, it was everywhere, all down her front, in her lap, in her hair, on her face, everywhere in short. With me being the dense git that I am I jumped up immediately to her aid. Forgetting my napkin and the fact that I am a wizard and I am in a room full of wizards, I used my bare hands to clean off any gravy in my reach. Putting the palms of my hands on each side of her face I used my thumbs to wipe it off her cheeks and eyelashes. Merlin her skin is so soft. And her cheeks are gently kissed with small freckles.
"Now is not the time to admire her skin and freckles, you nutter!" the little voice in my head yelled. I moved my hand through her hair only caking it further into her scalp, "Not helping you, twit!!" the voice reminded me again.
"Ronald! Sit down I'll get the rest and then Hermione go upstairs and take a shower straight away. Come here dear, turn around. I think that is about as good as I can get it. Now scoot upstairs and hurry so your dinner won't get to cold." Mum turned back to her seat.
As I continued to mumble my apologies Hermione reached over using her thumb she swabbed a missed drop of gravy from my cheek, gave me a smile I had never seen before, without taking her eyes off me she licked the gravy off her thumb and ran off to the stairs.
"Nice going you git!" laughed Fred.
I shot a look of humiliation around the table. After a few awkward moments everyone went back to their meals. I continued playing with the food on my plate, every now and then picking up my spoon full of mashed spuds and performing a quick disappearing charm, a charm I had perfected over the past few months at school. Breakfast, lunch and dinner, practicing the incantation "evanish esca" in the corridors, lying in bed, every spare moment.
I had learned how to make it more convincing after being caught by Harry three times in the first two weeks, but by the time I was through racking my brain for a lie, any lie I convinced him that Draco was putting the charm on my food to mess with me. To satisfy my mum I swallowed some spuds and carrots but no matter how guilty I felt I couldn't swallow the chicken, it was just too much.
"May I be excused?" I asked looking from dad to mum.
"Yes, but you've hardly eaten." my dad looked concerned, I couldn't lie to him face to face.
" I know dad, I'm not feeling very well. I'm just gonna go outside maybe that will help." I stand up, take my plate empty it into the trash put it in the wash bin, turn around and give one more look at my family laughing and enjoying the night, no one even looking at me. I pull on my shoes and jacket, walk outside into the moonlit yard.
Isn't kind of ironic that I love food, one of the most important things in my world is eating at least 3 large meals a day and now my real intention of coming outside is to walk to our makeshift quidditch pitch at the barrier of our property to stick my finger down my thought.
Ever since I started my new diet this part has always been the worst part for me, I feel ten times more disgusting than I already do. I need to be skinny, I can't gain anymore weight. If I wanna be good at quidditch, I need to loose all of my revolting fat, if I wanna be faster and more precise as keeper than I need to be as thin as paper. Maybe than I will better than Harry and Krum, than maybe Hermione will finally notice me the way she notices Krum and dolts on Harry after each game.
I walk to the fence and stick my finger down my throat as many times as it takes to rid my body of all the repulsive food. It gets in my hair and on my jeans, easily cleaned. Now my routine is getting back on track I walk over to the old willow tree across the yard take a few deep rhythmic breaths, zip up my jacket, pull my sleeves down, pull my hoodie up over my head and begin my run.
I run and run and run and run around the quidditch pitch. Laps and laps, as many as I can get in before mum starts calling for me to come in.
On my 32 lap my breath starts to quicken and my head starts to spin, my body begins to tingle and the sweat is getting in my eyes but this is still not satisfactory I have to get at least 40 laps before I quit so I pick up my pace and just let my mantra repeat in my head,
" You are a looser. You are a looser. You are a looser." After 40 laps were complete there was one more thing I needed to do before I could go in and face my fake facade. My laps end at the old willow, I lean against the old faithful tree and catch my breath.
"You'll never be good enough. You'll never be good enough." I whisper to myself in between breaths.
My eyes closed, imagining Hermione with Victor Krum at the ball, I turn and face the tree. Deep breath and close my eyes,
"He's better than you will EVER be. (punch) You're ugly. (Punch) You're stupid. (Punch) You're boring. (Punch)" I repeat as I collide my fists into the defenseless tree. My eyes finally open and look at my knuckles broken and torn, blood dripping in every crevice flowing to the ground.
"You can't do anything right." I whisper to myself.
I let the blood flow freely, letting the pain of being Ron Weasley drip away. "Just a worthless git." I continue battering myself.
My body falls to the ground the tree holing me up. The tears begin to form in my eyes waiting to fall but I won't let them, it's just another sign of weakness. As the images of Hermione's smile and her flawless face come to my mind I can no longer hold them back.
"You're stupid, useless, worthless, unworthy, horrible, nothing. You are nothing. They all deserve someone better. I could never deserve Hermione." It all became to much, my shoulders shook uncontrollably.
The strength in my body was down to zero, my knees came to my chest and I buried my head in them. I let myself cry, I let the blood dry and crust to my hands.
After several minutes I heard my mum calling for me, my tears stopped and my breath evened out. With my wand at hand I healed my knuckles and cleaned the blood, walked to the back door and took off my jacket and shoes.
So this is sthe first chapter and I do hope you liked it!
Please review and tell me if you like it, give me some sugestions, whatever you want.
Thanks for reading have a great day!!!