I'm not entirely stupid.
I mean, yes, there are a lot of things that it takes me a while to get. I mean, I really had no idea babies don't get delivered by storks. Although, I think it explains why Quinn got so fat before her baby came.
A lot of people like to call me that though. Stupid, dumb, slow. Even Artie called me that. He knew how much I hated it and he called me it.
Here's the thing. I may not understand a lot that goes towards smarts and all that, like math, or history or anything, but I understand big things.
I understand what hate is.
A lot of people hate the glee club. They hurt us and call us names and throw things. They ignore us. A lot of people hated Kurt because he likes boys. Santana hates people in general, including herself.
Hate is when you can't see past things, so you feel like you have to hurt whatever it is you hate. Hate only brings badness and pain. I don't like hate. I don't like what it does.
Santana tells me hate is just something I need to accept goes on in the world. She says she embraces it because it's better to hate people and be feared than to be hurt.
Fear is another word I understand.
I'm not really sure that Santana understands what fear is. She understands enough to make it work in her favor in some circumstances. But I don't think she REALLY understands fear.
She's afraid of herself, and I don't think she sees it. She pretends that it's hate for other people who are assholes. But really she fears herself.
She afraid of what it means to be a Lebanese. She's afraid of why she hurts people. She's afraid of what being herself means.
She's afraid of other things besides herself. She's afraid being hurt. She's afraid of scarecrows. She's afraid of admitting that she loves me.
Love is something really big. I know that too.
Santana says she loves me to me. She just doesn't say it to anyone else.
But I wish she would, because I love her too. She knows I love her too. She just has trouble understanding why I did things. I stayed with Artie because he loves me too and I love him. I want her to let people know she loves me so badly. Not just for me. It would mean so much just to me if she did, because I think our love is beautiful and worth celebrating. I want her to say that she loves me, because then she will love herself.
When she loves herself, I think she might be happy. She might be less hateful. Actually, she probably won't be less hateful. She gets kind of protective of me and all, and I think hate is just always there with her. But if she loves herself, then I don't think she can be afraid of herself. You can't be afraid of what you love.
Maybe that's it. She's afraid of love. She's afraid of who she loves, she's afraid of loving herself, and she's afraid of all the hate she has.
I'm not sure about any of this though.
I think a lot Brittany is a lot more insightful than we are meant to believe at face value, and I just wanted to capture that in regards to Santana, so I hope I did that well. Feel free to comment or favorite if you enjoyed! =)