Some people scream. Some people cry. I put across my feelings in the form of fan fiction! I don't want any hate for this as it's all based on myself. I'll probably put up a new chapter every time I feel down or depressed! It's my feelings in the form of diary entries from Ruth's diary! *Warning-Mentions of self harm and suicide*
Dear Diary,
I know I haven't written for a while. But that's because everything was going okay. Suppose it was too good to be true that that my life could be okay for longer than 3 months.
I nearly killed a patient today. He's still not out of the woods. I missed blood in his abdomen. I was trying to hard to impress Mr Jordan that I wasn't paying enough attention to the CT. Why does this keep happening to me? I am a good doctor and one day I will be a great one. Although that's not going to happen if I keep killing patients.
Mr Jordan sent me home early. I think that was a bad idea though because now I'm sitting here with a blade in my hands contemplating whether to do it or not.
Everyone has turned on me again. I tried. I tried so hard to fit in and make them like me but now they just think I'm more of a cow than ever. If he dies then they'll blame me. If they blame me then his family will too which, as you already know, would lead to an investigation, possibly a court case and probably the end of a career that never really started for me.
I have thought about it. I have thought about killing myself again. After a while I was glad that Abs and Toby found me but now I wish they never had. Obviously I won't hang myself this time. Maybe take an overdose or cut my wrists.
I haven't decided yet but for now I just have to live my life as the failure that is Dr Ruth Winters.