Title: This Ruined Puzzle
Author: Ambrosia (o0cellar_door0o@hotmail.com)
Rating: PG-13 (but just for language)
Word Count: 3752
Disclaimer: Sadly, Jackie and Hyde don't belong to me, but if you can do something about that, lemme know ;).
Author's Note (the first): This is no longer a WIP. What it is is "Part 1" of what I once imagined would be a five-part J/H post "You Shook Me" break-up/reunion fic. Yeah well, I'll never get around to finishing it off so just think of it as an alternate version of Jackie and Hyde's break-up in "Nobody's Fault But Mine". I actually did write this before the episode aired so any similarites are purely a coincidence. Anyway, I hope it's still satisfying. We all know things worked out for them in the end so even though this angsty piece has no resolution it shouldn't bother people too much I hope!
Author's Note (the second): HUGE thanks (plus many huggles and wet, sloppy kisses) go to asleeper for beta-ing the rough draft. However anything, or more so EVERYTHING that sucks in this is 100% mine. Annie's amazing but she still can't turn crap into gold ;).
And on that lovely note, on with the fic!
* * * * * * * * * *
Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. God, how could he have been so stupid!
Hyde was driving back from the hotel in the El Camino, cursing himself for what was indeed the stupidest thing he had ever done. And man, with his record of certifiably idiotic deeds, that was saying something. He pulled the car into the drive and turned off the ignition. Exhaling heavily, he closed his eyes but, instead of getting out, he moved his hands up the wheel and laid his head down to rest on them.
"Fuck, what have I done", he breathed.
Jackie's smiling face materialized behind the dark curtain of his lids, and he wondered if he would ever be lucky enough to see that image outside the films in his mind again. He took a deep breath and slowly let it escape his lips. Christ, he was tired. He had been playing and replaying the events of this royally screwed up evening in his head since walking out of that hotel room a few hours ago, and then, in the driving around town he'd done since. He was tired of it, tired of thinking.
"Ironic," he scoffed, since thinking is something he could have done a little more of /before/ he'd walked into that room in the first place.
Sighing heavily he got out of the car and, giving the door an unnecessarily hard shove, he made his way down to the basement entrance. What he needed now was sleep. *Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and this will all have been just some sick nightmare*, he thought, wishing he could believe it. *Just get inside, get in bed, and try, try for the love of all things unholy, try and get some sleep*.
Opening the basement door however was the pinprick to his bubble of hope. There before him was the gang, minus Jackie, hanging out in front of the tv.
Shit.
"Hey man, where ya been? You missed Bewitched", said Eric casually.
"Yes, Samantha turned Major Nelson's boss into a monkey again" chimed Fez, "It really is not a very helpful thing to do" he added, shaking his head disapprovingly.
"You're just jealous that I'm not /your/ monkey", muttered Kelso.
The gang exchanged looks of confusion, which wasn't an entirely unusual occurrence following a Kelso comment.
"Your /looove/ monkey", he clarified, imitating Fez, before grumpily folding his arms across his chest and slouching down in his chair.
Eric smirked. Donna giggled. Fez whined.
"Heyyy!" he said in typical Fez fashion. "We agreed to never mention my little erotic incident directly or indirectly again!"
"Oh yeah!" said Donna, sitting up excitedly to face Hyde, "You missed the coolest thing. You'll never guess what Fez dreamt about!"
Hyde literally felt his stomach drop.
"Oh I already told him but he didn't believe me" said Kelso, annoyed. "I mean, c'mon, you'd all believe me. You know that I don't just go around and lie about stuff, right?"
"Uh yeah sure, Kelso" said Eric, rolling his eyes. Despite Foreman's tone, Kelso beamed, pleased.
Donna shook her head dismissively before continuing, "Well, it /does/ sound too good to be true but... it's not! That's what makes it so freakin' great!"
Hyde's throat felt dry, his tongue leaden, but still he managed a "Wha?".
"Okay are you ready for this?", said Donna, now trying to stifle her grin under Fez's cold stare, but continuing the story anyway. "Fez dreamed that... well... that Kelso was a nurse and gave him a sponge bath in the nude!" The last of the story came out in a rush as she burst into laughter.
Hyde's head spun. *What the hell? Kelso's whacked out excuse for why he was snuggling with Jackie might actually have been... true?*
Fez seemed to directly answer his question.
"Yes okay!" he yelled, jumping up from the couch. "This is correct but", he turned his angry eyes to Kelso, "it wasn't really about you, you sonofabitch!" he spit. "It was those damn spicy egg rolls!"
Donna and Eric forced their smiles to recede and all, including Kelso, nodded in agreement, even if it wasn't completely sincere. "We know Fez, we know" Donna managed reassuringly as she ushered him back down to the couch, rubbing his back to calm him.
"Ay", he pouted. "First the Cheese Puffs, now eggrolls. Why do you curse me so you delicious American food? Why I ask?! Why?!"
Hyde still stood by the door, frozen, as he took what he had heard all in. Suddenly the desire to have this day be over increased, something he hadn't thought was possible.
"Yeah well, I hope you two lovebirds find happiness together but, I'm calling it a night", he said as casually as he could, before heading to the escape of his room.
Donna and Eric held a once again livid Fez back, while Kelso sulkily protested from his chair.
*Man, so it was true? What he saw really /was/ just comfort? Jackie hadn't actually cheated on him?*
*Did it really matter?*
The question entered his mind unbidden and, though he would have liked to pretend it hadn't, for once he knew he had to be honest with himself. Of all the thoughts consuming him tonight, Jackie's possible indiscretion with Kelso was not the one he had given the most attention to. It was the very real one of his own that held that honor. Ironically, the thing that had set him off in the first place had almost been forgotten. Whatever he thought Jackie had done, no, it really didn't matter. It was what he /knew/ he had that did.
*I'll never be able to look her in the face again,* he realized, *never*.
Hyde opened the door to his room, silently cursing himself, when the sight before him stopped him in his tracks.
There she was.
There was Jackie, curled up on his bed, asleep. She still had on her coat and shoes or, partially anyway. A small tan clog dangled on her foot from where it hung off the side of the bed. Its mate lay resting on the floor where it must have fallen earlier.
Hyde shut the door soundlessly, and slowly moved closer to take the image in. He stared at her, entranced by her beauty, by the way she clung to the pillow, his pillow, how seeing her there, looking so comfortable, so at home in his bed, his private space, how it all seemed so... right.
He suddenly felt like someone had knifed him in his stomach, and then left the weapon there, deeply embedded.
He remembered all the times she'd been hurt in the past, hurt by her parents, hurt by Kelso. Whatever it was, she had run to him. He loved that. Even back in the days when he insisted otherwise, he loved holding her in his arms while she cried. He especially loved the few times when he'd been able to hold her until her tears stopped. Truthfully, it was the only time he'd ever felt powerful in his whole life. Who would she run to now? Who would be the one to hold her? Donna would be there he supposed but...
*It won't be me.*
Though it was obvious, it was a realization all the same, and it struck him hard in the chest. The only thing he hoped now was that it wouldn't be her holding herself alone, the way he'd had to do more nights than he'd like to admit. Man, he hoped that wouldn't be the way for her. But, there was nothing he could do to ensure that. It would be out of his hands.
He bent down and gently brushed a stray strand of her silky black hair from her forehead. She stirred and sleepily opened her eyes. Seeing his face before her, she smiled.
*So, I did get one more smile*, he thought sadly. *Lucky bastard*.
Suddenly the cloak of sleep lifted and Jackie realized where she was and, more importantly, why. Leaping up, she reached for him and pulled him into a tight embrace. Hyde tried to keep his balance but failed, and roughly took a seat beside her on his bed.
And then, she was off...
"Oh Steven I've been so worried! I went to see you at the hotel earlier and Roy told me that you had seen me with Michael and I have to tell you how sorry I am but it wasn't what you think. See, he came running in all upset and I told him to go but then he told me that Fez had a SEX dream about him. Can you believe it? He was really shaken up and I'm so sorry, Steven, but I sat with him to calm him down and told him that it wasn't something he could control and, oh Steven I'm just, I'm just so sorry!"
Desperation. That's what this was, Hyde realized, utter desperation. Not only was it apparent in her rambling and the shrill tone of her voice but, in her eyes, shiny with unshed tears, eyes that were boring holes deep into his own.
With a sob she pulled him to her once again.
"Will you forgive me? Please babe?" came a muffled plea from against his chest.
She was shaking. He had to stop it, had to tell her the truth, but... where would he begin?
Then, he knew.
"Yeah", it was almost a whisper, "I forgive you".
Squealing with delight, Jackie raised her head and brought her radiant smile into Hyde's view. She leaned in for a kiss and Hyde ached to capture those lips with his own, to forget about everything else but her, and him, them together, to keep what he had done a secret from her and a fading memory to himself.
Jackie's lips met Hyde's temple as he turned away.
Curiosity, twinged with concern, invaded her features. "What's wrong?".
Suddenly her eyes grew wide, "Oh my god Steven, this isn't like when you said you were over it but, but also over me, is it?!" She searched his face for an answer, her eyes welling up once more. Grabbing his hand, she gripped it in her own, and began apologizing profusely, desperately trying to make him understand.
"But Steven I'm so sorry! Nothing happened between me and Michael, please understand that, please! Everything, everything's /fine/!"
If only that were true.
"No, Jackie, no it's not fine." replied Hyde solemnly.
"Oh please, Steven, yes it is, I mean it, nothing happened!"
He couldn't take it any longer. "Jackie!", he bellowed, so loud it made her jump.
Immediately he regretted his harsh tone, scaring her was the last thing he wanted to do so, go figure, that's just what he'd done.
Softening, he quietly finished. "Yes, something did".
The utter confusion on Jackie's face was too much for him. He dropped his head to his chest, closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to find the words.
"Jackie, I believe you, okay? I do. I know what did, and especially /didn't/, happen between you and Kelso."
Raising his head slightly, he glanced at her to take in her reaction. She seemed to have relaxed a little with this knowledge but, wisely, sensed there was more.
So grudgingly, he continued.
"But, when I walked in and I saw you, saw you two on the couch like that I... well, it was like... it was like what I'd been dreading had finally happened y'know?"
Her furrowed brow urged him to clarify.
"See, I knew that, that what we had was too good. I knew that I didn't deserve it, that... that I didn't deserve you."
"But you do-" Hyde quickly moved his finger to her lips, silencing her, and echoing a time when she'd done the same to him.
"Jackie, just let me... I-I have to say this, okay?"
He lowered his finger from her glossy pout, and she reluctantly restrained herself from rushing to his defense.
"Look, it's no big secret that I'm nothing special. I'm a screwup. A dirtbag. Everybody knows it".
He paused and his eyes shifted from her face to some far off point beyond her, as if seeing something, someone, even though no one was there.
"Edna knew it", he began, so quietly and... /absently/ that it was as though he wasn't really talking to Jackie at all, but instead having a private conversation with himself, one Jackie was only eavesdropping on. "Mom knew that I had nothing going for me. That I never would."
After a moment he broke from his trance, his face hardening.
"That's why she really left, y'know. She couldn't stand having to look her biggest disapointment in the face everyday. And my dad, well," Hyde gave a bitter chuckle, "he was the second biggest disapointment in her life and he... well, I think that, that maybe he..."
Hyde sighed, shaking his head as if discouraging thoughts to land in it.
"I don't know, it doesn't matter why he left, not really. The bottom line is that he did. That's what people in my life do. They leave. I'm not looking for pity or any shit like that, that's just the way it is."
With a shrug of his shoulders and a sudden care-free tone regarding things which, in fact, he cared deeply about, Hyde had loudly announced that his defenses had kicked in.
"I've learned that it's better to just not care about anything, then, when it up and leaves you, because it always does Jackie, then the hurt's not so bad, y'know?"
Hyde looked to her then, his walls cracking, desperately seemed to want her validation that this was true.
When he didn't receive it, he continued.
"Well, with you, it was harder to pretend not to care, a hell of a lot harder. And every morning I'd roll out of this damn cot and think 'This is it, this is the day it will fall apart, the day you'll leave me. The day you'll realize how I'm just not fuckin' worth it'."
His voice was heavy with the pain of honestly believing his words.
Looking to Jackie, he found her staring at him, all doe-eyed and pouty. Her "Ohh Steven!" face. Like he was a pathetic little stray puppy she had found. On the side of the road. And in a rainstorm. One that she was now about to scoop up into her arms and take home with her. And, you know, he /was/ being pathetic, he knew it, he hated it, but, dammit, he couldn't help it.
Of course, despite hating her sympathy right now, he knew he would much rather have it than to continue on to what he had to do next. To the hurt and pain that would follow. He had gotten so much off his chest already and yet, he knew that the majority of the load, the heaviest, was yet to come. And it wasn't that he wouldn't be able to handle his pain. He could. He'd done it all his life. It was her pain, and especially the pain that he caused her, that was what would break him.
"Well", he began, more shakily than he would have liked, "when I saw you on the couch with Kelso, I thought that was it and I- I got angry. Really angry. Angry for allowing myself to give a crap, and angry at you for somehow tricking me into it. For making me care."
*Here it comes*, he thought. *Here's the part where I break her heart*.
If his head hadn't already been turned, his eyes averted, he would have done so now. Instead, in lowering his eyes yet again, his attention was drawn to his hand, the one Jackie was holding so tightly in her own. He felt her smoothness, studied her delicate fingers, their pink manicured tips, and how they contrasted so boldly against his owns roughness. His ragged, bitten-down nails whispering of insecurities he had vowed to always keep secret.
He cleared his throat.
"You see, after work I went down to the bar, had a couple beers, sat around feeling all sorry for myself. Well, *that* certainly didn't last long. My pride put an end to that and soon, soon I was pretending like I didn't care. Not just pretending that I didn't care you had hurt me, but pretending you hadn't hurt me at all."
For a moment Hyde actually raised his eyes. Filled with pain and a hint of accusation they met her's. "Because you know what, Jackie? Seeing you there with Kelso, it actually did hurt. It physically hurt." He needed to make her understand. "But, well, I thought that if you didn't care then I didn't care and I needed, I needed to prove that. To make myself believe it."
"You know, it was almost too easy" he scoffed bitterly.
Quickly sobering, he continued. "See, there... there was this nurse".
Instantly Jackie's expression changed. Her wide eyes narrowed, her pouting lips receded into a frown. She opened her mouth to speak but, then closed it and instead eyed him suspiciously.
Slowly, with great difficulty, Hyde continued. "Well she uhh... I guess she... liked me or something. I don't know but, you see, she... saw that I was upset and uhh... asked if I wanted to... talk about it... in her... her room".
Hyde trailed off for the last time, with no intention of continuing.
He had laid the puzzle pieces out for her but couldn't find, scratch that, /didn't have/ the courage to fit them together. He hoped she would. And hoped she wouldn't. Both at the same time.
Finally Jackie began to speak.
"So what you, you kissed her? You kissed this nurse, Steven, is that what you're saying? You kissed her and then realized what a huge mistake you were making and got up and left the slutball where she stood, right?"
She wasn't hysterical, not yet, but he could hear it in her voice, that same desperation. She was pleading with him to confirm that this was true, that an illicit kiss was the extent of his vague confession. She was trying to remain calm, to stay in control of her feelings but, her trembling lip betrayed her, her labored breathing betrayed her, the tears on the brink of spilling... it all betrayed her.
*Just like I did*, Hyde thought grimly.
"Steven? That's what happened, isn't it? That's, that's /all/ that happened right? Baby?"
Hyde could barely breathe let alone speak. His gaze remained on their still entwined hands and, before he had made a conscious decision to do so, he found himself squeezing her's tightly.
The question yet to be asked hung heavy in the air around them. It weighed on his chest, made it even harder to breathe. She feared to ask it just as much as he feared to hear it asked but, it had to be done and, finally, it was.
"You didn't, didn't /sleep/ with her... did you, Steven?"
The knife embedded in his stomach twisted. Hard. Slowly, painfully slow, he raised his head and met her eyes. His grave look gave Jackie her answer.
Horrified, she pulled back away from him, tearing her hand from his grasp.
The sudden loss of touch hit Hyde like a swift kick to his already wounded gut. The disgusted look on her face cut even deeper, hurting him more than he thought possible.
"No." she said simply, "no".
Then it became almost a chant, increasing in volume and intensity, "No, no, no, no, nooo!" she cried, shaking her head, that look of disgust scrawled across her pretty features.
On wobbly legs she stood up from the bed and, pausing only to slip her foot into her wayward shoe, she began backing away from him.
"Jackie" he pleaded, finally finding words, his voice scratchy though from lack of use, his mouth dry. It sounded strange to him, inhuman. "Jackie", he tried again, a little clearer.
Her back was at the door now, her hand reaching for the knob.
"Just wait, Jackie, I'm so sorry, Jackie please!"
It was too late. She threw opened the door and fled into the living room where Eric, Donna, Kelso, and Fez were still watching t.v. Hyde was one step behind her, and called out once again.
"Wait! Jackie! Jackie, I love you!"
At this she spun around, her hand on the knob of the basement door now, already opened and awaiting her passage. "Well I don't love you!" she spit. A look of horror crossed her face as she realized what she'd just claimed. All too quickly though the look was replaced with anger, and an even stronger resolve. "Not anymore" she added, as evenly as possible.
Hyde was in shock, the hurt at what she had just said to him was written plainly on his face, he pleaded to her with his eyes, but his mouth remained closed.
He didn't deserve to speak.
"It's over," she then said softy, her voice, like her resolve, cracking slightly. She turned away and hung her head, her hair rushing in to cover her face from Hyde's view. "It's soo over" she managed before the floodgates opened and the tears came.
But she was off and running before Hyde saw a single drop fall.
He stood there, staring at the empty door frame. Knowing he should break something. Knowing he should storm off to his room and slam the door so hard it would fly off its hinges. But... he didn't. A wave of exhaustion crashed down on him and the energy for such tasks drained from his body.
He turned briefly to the stunned spectators from their places on the sofa, chair and freezer, and then slowly retreated to his room where he took a seat on his bed.
Well, this was what he expected, right? This was what he had been preparing himself for all night. A big, painful blow-up. A fucking mess. He'd known that it was inevitable. Shouldn't the blow he was hit with have been cushioned? Shouldn't he be feeling just a little less shock? A little less anger? A little less pain?
"No", he seethed, his throat tight with tears he wouldn't dare allow to surface. "I deserve this. I deserve it all".
With a loud curse he sank to his pillow... and pretended he didn't noticed the lingering scent of her perfume.
Or that he turned his head to breathe it in deeper.
* * * * * * * * * *
Author: Ambrosia (o0cellar_door0o@hotmail.com)
Rating: PG-13 (but just for language)
Word Count: 3752
Disclaimer: Sadly, Jackie and Hyde don't belong to me, but if you can do something about that, lemme know ;).
Author's Note (the first): This is no longer a WIP. What it is is "Part 1" of what I once imagined would be a five-part J/H post "You Shook Me" break-up/reunion fic. Yeah well, I'll never get around to finishing it off so just think of it as an alternate version of Jackie and Hyde's break-up in "Nobody's Fault But Mine". I actually did write this before the episode aired so any similarites are purely a coincidence. Anyway, I hope it's still satisfying. We all know things worked out for them in the end so even though this angsty piece has no resolution it shouldn't bother people too much I hope!
Author's Note (the second): HUGE thanks (plus many huggles and wet, sloppy kisses) go to asleeper for beta-ing the rough draft. However anything, or more so EVERYTHING that sucks in this is 100% mine. Annie's amazing but she still can't turn crap into gold ;).
And on that lovely note, on with the fic!
* * * * * * * * * *
Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. God, how could he have been so stupid!
Hyde was driving back from the hotel in the El Camino, cursing himself for what was indeed the stupidest thing he had ever done. And man, with his record of certifiably idiotic deeds, that was saying something. He pulled the car into the drive and turned off the ignition. Exhaling heavily, he closed his eyes but, instead of getting out, he moved his hands up the wheel and laid his head down to rest on them.
"Fuck, what have I done", he breathed.
Jackie's smiling face materialized behind the dark curtain of his lids, and he wondered if he would ever be lucky enough to see that image outside the films in his mind again. He took a deep breath and slowly let it escape his lips. Christ, he was tired. He had been playing and replaying the events of this royally screwed up evening in his head since walking out of that hotel room a few hours ago, and then, in the driving around town he'd done since. He was tired of it, tired of thinking.
"Ironic," he scoffed, since thinking is something he could have done a little more of /before/ he'd walked into that room in the first place.
Sighing heavily he got out of the car and, giving the door an unnecessarily hard shove, he made his way down to the basement entrance. What he needed now was sleep. *Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and this will all have been just some sick nightmare*, he thought, wishing he could believe it. *Just get inside, get in bed, and try, try for the love of all things unholy, try and get some sleep*.
Opening the basement door however was the pinprick to his bubble of hope. There before him was the gang, minus Jackie, hanging out in front of the tv.
Shit.
"Hey man, where ya been? You missed Bewitched", said Eric casually.
"Yes, Samantha turned Major Nelson's boss into a monkey again" chimed Fez, "It really is not a very helpful thing to do" he added, shaking his head disapprovingly.
"You're just jealous that I'm not /your/ monkey", muttered Kelso.
The gang exchanged looks of confusion, which wasn't an entirely unusual occurrence following a Kelso comment.
"Your /looove/ monkey", he clarified, imitating Fez, before grumpily folding his arms across his chest and slouching down in his chair.
Eric smirked. Donna giggled. Fez whined.
"Heyyy!" he said in typical Fez fashion. "We agreed to never mention my little erotic incident directly or indirectly again!"
"Oh yeah!" said Donna, sitting up excitedly to face Hyde, "You missed the coolest thing. You'll never guess what Fez dreamt about!"
Hyde literally felt his stomach drop.
"Oh I already told him but he didn't believe me" said Kelso, annoyed. "I mean, c'mon, you'd all believe me. You know that I don't just go around and lie about stuff, right?"
"Uh yeah sure, Kelso" said Eric, rolling his eyes. Despite Foreman's tone, Kelso beamed, pleased.
Donna shook her head dismissively before continuing, "Well, it /does/ sound too good to be true but... it's not! That's what makes it so freakin' great!"
Hyde's throat felt dry, his tongue leaden, but still he managed a "Wha?".
"Okay are you ready for this?", said Donna, now trying to stifle her grin under Fez's cold stare, but continuing the story anyway. "Fez dreamed that... well... that Kelso was a nurse and gave him a sponge bath in the nude!" The last of the story came out in a rush as she burst into laughter.
Hyde's head spun. *What the hell? Kelso's whacked out excuse for why he was snuggling with Jackie might actually have been... true?*
Fez seemed to directly answer his question.
"Yes okay!" he yelled, jumping up from the couch. "This is correct but", he turned his angry eyes to Kelso, "it wasn't really about you, you sonofabitch!" he spit. "It was those damn spicy egg rolls!"
Donna and Eric forced their smiles to recede and all, including Kelso, nodded in agreement, even if it wasn't completely sincere. "We know Fez, we know" Donna managed reassuringly as she ushered him back down to the couch, rubbing his back to calm him.
"Ay", he pouted. "First the Cheese Puffs, now eggrolls. Why do you curse me so you delicious American food? Why I ask?! Why?!"
Hyde still stood by the door, frozen, as he took what he had heard all in. Suddenly the desire to have this day be over increased, something he hadn't thought was possible.
"Yeah well, I hope you two lovebirds find happiness together but, I'm calling it a night", he said as casually as he could, before heading to the escape of his room.
Donna and Eric held a once again livid Fez back, while Kelso sulkily protested from his chair.
*Man, so it was true? What he saw really /was/ just comfort? Jackie hadn't actually cheated on him?*
*Did it really matter?*
The question entered his mind unbidden and, though he would have liked to pretend it hadn't, for once he knew he had to be honest with himself. Of all the thoughts consuming him tonight, Jackie's possible indiscretion with Kelso was not the one he had given the most attention to. It was the very real one of his own that held that honor. Ironically, the thing that had set him off in the first place had almost been forgotten. Whatever he thought Jackie had done, no, it really didn't matter. It was what he /knew/ he had that did.
*I'll never be able to look her in the face again,* he realized, *never*.
Hyde opened the door to his room, silently cursing himself, when the sight before him stopped him in his tracks.
There she was.
There was Jackie, curled up on his bed, asleep. She still had on her coat and shoes or, partially anyway. A small tan clog dangled on her foot from where it hung off the side of the bed. Its mate lay resting on the floor where it must have fallen earlier.
Hyde shut the door soundlessly, and slowly moved closer to take the image in. He stared at her, entranced by her beauty, by the way she clung to the pillow, his pillow, how seeing her there, looking so comfortable, so at home in his bed, his private space, how it all seemed so... right.
He suddenly felt like someone had knifed him in his stomach, and then left the weapon there, deeply embedded.
He remembered all the times she'd been hurt in the past, hurt by her parents, hurt by Kelso. Whatever it was, she had run to him. He loved that. Even back in the days when he insisted otherwise, he loved holding her in his arms while she cried. He especially loved the few times when he'd been able to hold her until her tears stopped. Truthfully, it was the only time he'd ever felt powerful in his whole life. Who would she run to now? Who would be the one to hold her? Donna would be there he supposed but...
*It won't be me.*
Though it was obvious, it was a realization all the same, and it struck him hard in the chest. The only thing he hoped now was that it wouldn't be her holding herself alone, the way he'd had to do more nights than he'd like to admit. Man, he hoped that wouldn't be the way for her. But, there was nothing he could do to ensure that. It would be out of his hands.
He bent down and gently brushed a stray strand of her silky black hair from her forehead. She stirred and sleepily opened her eyes. Seeing his face before her, she smiled.
*So, I did get one more smile*, he thought sadly. *Lucky bastard*.
Suddenly the cloak of sleep lifted and Jackie realized where she was and, more importantly, why. Leaping up, she reached for him and pulled him into a tight embrace. Hyde tried to keep his balance but failed, and roughly took a seat beside her on his bed.
And then, she was off...
"Oh Steven I've been so worried! I went to see you at the hotel earlier and Roy told me that you had seen me with Michael and I have to tell you how sorry I am but it wasn't what you think. See, he came running in all upset and I told him to go but then he told me that Fez had a SEX dream about him. Can you believe it? He was really shaken up and I'm so sorry, Steven, but I sat with him to calm him down and told him that it wasn't something he could control and, oh Steven I'm just, I'm just so sorry!"
Desperation. That's what this was, Hyde realized, utter desperation. Not only was it apparent in her rambling and the shrill tone of her voice but, in her eyes, shiny with unshed tears, eyes that were boring holes deep into his own.
With a sob she pulled him to her once again.
"Will you forgive me? Please babe?" came a muffled plea from against his chest.
She was shaking. He had to stop it, had to tell her the truth, but... where would he begin?
Then, he knew.
"Yeah", it was almost a whisper, "I forgive you".
Squealing with delight, Jackie raised her head and brought her radiant smile into Hyde's view. She leaned in for a kiss and Hyde ached to capture those lips with his own, to forget about everything else but her, and him, them together, to keep what he had done a secret from her and a fading memory to himself.
Jackie's lips met Hyde's temple as he turned away.
Curiosity, twinged with concern, invaded her features. "What's wrong?".
Suddenly her eyes grew wide, "Oh my god Steven, this isn't like when you said you were over it but, but also over me, is it?!" She searched his face for an answer, her eyes welling up once more. Grabbing his hand, she gripped it in her own, and began apologizing profusely, desperately trying to make him understand.
"But Steven I'm so sorry! Nothing happened between me and Michael, please understand that, please! Everything, everything's /fine/!"
If only that were true.
"No, Jackie, no it's not fine." replied Hyde solemnly.
"Oh please, Steven, yes it is, I mean it, nothing happened!"
He couldn't take it any longer. "Jackie!", he bellowed, so loud it made her jump.
Immediately he regretted his harsh tone, scaring her was the last thing he wanted to do so, go figure, that's just what he'd done.
Softening, he quietly finished. "Yes, something did".
The utter confusion on Jackie's face was too much for him. He dropped his head to his chest, closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to find the words.
"Jackie, I believe you, okay? I do. I know what did, and especially /didn't/, happen between you and Kelso."
Raising his head slightly, he glanced at her to take in her reaction. She seemed to have relaxed a little with this knowledge but, wisely, sensed there was more.
So grudgingly, he continued.
"But, when I walked in and I saw you, saw you two on the couch like that I... well, it was like... it was like what I'd been dreading had finally happened y'know?"
Her furrowed brow urged him to clarify.
"See, I knew that, that what we had was too good. I knew that I didn't deserve it, that... that I didn't deserve you."
"But you do-" Hyde quickly moved his finger to her lips, silencing her, and echoing a time when she'd done the same to him.
"Jackie, just let me... I-I have to say this, okay?"
He lowered his finger from her glossy pout, and she reluctantly restrained herself from rushing to his defense.
"Look, it's no big secret that I'm nothing special. I'm a screwup. A dirtbag. Everybody knows it".
He paused and his eyes shifted from her face to some far off point beyond her, as if seeing something, someone, even though no one was there.
"Edna knew it", he began, so quietly and... /absently/ that it was as though he wasn't really talking to Jackie at all, but instead having a private conversation with himself, one Jackie was only eavesdropping on. "Mom knew that I had nothing going for me. That I never would."
After a moment he broke from his trance, his face hardening.
"That's why she really left, y'know. She couldn't stand having to look her biggest disapointment in the face everyday. And my dad, well," Hyde gave a bitter chuckle, "he was the second biggest disapointment in her life and he... well, I think that, that maybe he..."
Hyde sighed, shaking his head as if discouraging thoughts to land in it.
"I don't know, it doesn't matter why he left, not really. The bottom line is that he did. That's what people in my life do. They leave. I'm not looking for pity or any shit like that, that's just the way it is."
With a shrug of his shoulders and a sudden care-free tone regarding things which, in fact, he cared deeply about, Hyde had loudly announced that his defenses had kicked in.
"I've learned that it's better to just not care about anything, then, when it up and leaves you, because it always does Jackie, then the hurt's not so bad, y'know?"
Hyde looked to her then, his walls cracking, desperately seemed to want her validation that this was true.
When he didn't receive it, he continued.
"Well, with you, it was harder to pretend not to care, a hell of a lot harder. And every morning I'd roll out of this damn cot and think 'This is it, this is the day it will fall apart, the day you'll leave me. The day you'll realize how I'm just not fuckin' worth it'."
His voice was heavy with the pain of honestly believing his words.
Looking to Jackie, he found her staring at him, all doe-eyed and pouty. Her "Ohh Steven!" face. Like he was a pathetic little stray puppy she had found. On the side of the road. And in a rainstorm. One that she was now about to scoop up into her arms and take home with her. And, you know, he /was/ being pathetic, he knew it, he hated it, but, dammit, he couldn't help it.
Of course, despite hating her sympathy right now, he knew he would much rather have it than to continue on to what he had to do next. To the hurt and pain that would follow. He had gotten so much off his chest already and yet, he knew that the majority of the load, the heaviest, was yet to come. And it wasn't that he wouldn't be able to handle his pain. He could. He'd done it all his life. It was her pain, and especially the pain that he caused her, that was what would break him.
"Well", he began, more shakily than he would have liked, "when I saw you on the couch with Kelso, I thought that was it and I- I got angry. Really angry. Angry for allowing myself to give a crap, and angry at you for somehow tricking me into it. For making me care."
*Here it comes*, he thought. *Here's the part where I break her heart*.
If his head hadn't already been turned, his eyes averted, he would have done so now. Instead, in lowering his eyes yet again, his attention was drawn to his hand, the one Jackie was holding so tightly in her own. He felt her smoothness, studied her delicate fingers, their pink manicured tips, and how they contrasted so boldly against his owns roughness. His ragged, bitten-down nails whispering of insecurities he had vowed to always keep secret.
He cleared his throat.
"You see, after work I went down to the bar, had a couple beers, sat around feeling all sorry for myself. Well, *that* certainly didn't last long. My pride put an end to that and soon, soon I was pretending like I didn't care. Not just pretending that I didn't care you had hurt me, but pretending you hadn't hurt me at all."
For a moment Hyde actually raised his eyes. Filled with pain and a hint of accusation they met her's. "Because you know what, Jackie? Seeing you there with Kelso, it actually did hurt. It physically hurt." He needed to make her understand. "But, well, I thought that if you didn't care then I didn't care and I needed, I needed to prove that. To make myself believe it."
"You know, it was almost too easy" he scoffed bitterly.
Quickly sobering, he continued. "See, there... there was this nurse".
Instantly Jackie's expression changed. Her wide eyes narrowed, her pouting lips receded into a frown. She opened her mouth to speak but, then closed it and instead eyed him suspiciously.
Slowly, with great difficulty, Hyde continued. "Well she uhh... I guess she... liked me or something. I don't know but, you see, she... saw that I was upset and uhh... asked if I wanted to... talk about it... in her... her room".
Hyde trailed off for the last time, with no intention of continuing.
He had laid the puzzle pieces out for her but couldn't find, scratch that, /didn't have/ the courage to fit them together. He hoped she would. And hoped she wouldn't. Both at the same time.
Finally Jackie began to speak.
"So what you, you kissed her? You kissed this nurse, Steven, is that what you're saying? You kissed her and then realized what a huge mistake you were making and got up and left the slutball where she stood, right?"
She wasn't hysterical, not yet, but he could hear it in her voice, that same desperation. She was pleading with him to confirm that this was true, that an illicit kiss was the extent of his vague confession. She was trying to remain calm, to stay in control of her feelings but, her trembling lip betrayed her, her labored breathing betrayed her, the tears on the brink of spilling... it all betrayed her.
*Just like I did*, Hyde thought grimly.
"Steven? That's what happened, isn't it? That's, that's /all/ that happened right? Baby?"
Hyde could barely breathe let alone speak. His gaze remained on their still entwined hands and, before he had made a conscious decision to do so, he found himself squeezing her's tightly.
The question yet to be asked hung heavy in the air around them. It weighed on his chest, made it even harder to breathe. She feared to ask it just as much as he feared to hear it asked but, it had to be done and, finally, it was.
"You didn't, didn't /sleep/ with her... did you, Steven?"
The knife embedded in his stomach twisted. Hard. Slowly, painfully slow, he raised his head and met her eyes. His grave look gave Jackie her answer.
Horrified, she pulled back away from him, tearing her hand from his grasp.
The sudden loss of touch hit Hyde like a swift kick to his already wounded gut. The disgusted look on her face cut even deeper, hurting him more than he thought possible.
"No." she said simply, "no".
Then it became almost a chant, increasing in volume and intensity, "No, no, no, no, nooo!" she cried, shaking her head, that look of disgust scrawled across her pretty features.
On wobbly legs she stood up from the bed and, pausing only to slip her foot into her wayward shoe, she began backing away from him.
"Jackie" he pleaded, finally finding words, his voice scratchy though from lack of use, his mouth dry. It sounded strange to him, inhuman. "Jackie", he tried again, a little clearer.
Her back was at the door now, her hand reaching for the knob.
"Just wait, Jackie, I'm so sorry, Jackie please!"
It was too late. She threw opened the door and fled into the living room where Eric, Donna, Kelso, and Fez were still watching t.v. Hyde was one step behind her, and called out once again.
"Wait! Jackie! Jackie, I love you!"
At this she spun around, her hand on the knob of the basement door now, already opened and awaiting her passage. "Well I don't love you!" she spit. A look of horror crossed her face as she realized what she'd just claimed. All too quickly though the look was replaced with anger, and an even stronger resolve. "Not anymore" she added, as evenly as possible.
Hyde was in shock, the hurt at what she had just said to him was written plainly on his face, he pleaded to her with his eyes, but his mouth remained closed.
He didn't deserve to speak.
"It's over," she then said softy, her voice, like her resolve, cracking slightly. She turned away and hung her head, her hair rushing in to cover her face from Hyde's view. "It's soo over" she managed before the floodgates opened and the tears came.
But she was off and running before Hyde saw a single drop fall.
He stood there, staring at the empty door frame. Knowing he should break something. Knowing he should storm off to his room and slam the door so hard it would fly off its hinges. But... he didn't. A wave of exhaustion crashed down on him and the energy for such tasks drained from his body.
He turned briefly to the stunned spectators from their places on the sofa, chair and freezer, and then slowly retreated to his room where he took a seat on his bed.
Well, this was what he expected, right? This was what he had been preparing himself for all night. A big, painful blow-up. A fucking mess. He'd known that it was inevitable. Shouldn't the blow he was hit with have been cushioned? Shouldn't he be feeling just a little less shock? A little less anger? A little less pain?
"No", he seethed, his throat tight with tears he wouldn't dare allow to surface. "I deserve this. I deserve it all".
With a loud curse he sank to his pillow... and pretended he didn't noticed the lingering scent of her perfume.
Or that he turned his head to breathe it in deeper.
* * * * * * * * * *