Note: I'm not used to writing in English (it's not my first language) so consider this a warning. I'm sorry for any and all grammar errors.
Lyrics at the bottom are from song Bittersweet by Within Temptation that inspired me to write this.
Sigyn stopped her white mare in front of the palace stables and dismounted. One of the stable masters was immediately by her side, bowling quickly and taking her horse away. She didn't pay much attention to him and headed off towards the palace.
She just returned from a visit to her parents. They owned a country residence located a few miles away from the golden towers of the royal palace and surrounding buildings in a romantic green valley. She visited them from time to time even though she now lived in the palace. She was the wife of one of the princes after all.
This was also something that her parents will never stop blaming her for, for sure. They will never forgive her that she unknowingly married Loki and stayed faithful to him even after she saw the true face of her husband. But she didn't care how many times they stared at her disapprovingly – her heart was not theirs to command.
The visit took a few days; she always had a lot to talk about with her parents whenever they weren't trying to tell her why they think that Loki isn't good for her. There was nothing she hated more than when people tried to talk her out of her love. Then her eyes were blazing and her lips were spitting fire. (Only metaphorically, of course. Though Loki did want to teach her a spell like that once.)
She walked through a few corridors illuminated with torches and decorated with banners until she got to the chambers where she lived with Loki. She knocked softly out of habit to make her arrival known (she couldn't just burst in, because one could never be sure if Loki wasn't just trying out some kind of magic spell), but after she got no answer, she entered. She passed through all the chambers, searching all the rooms. She didn't find anybody. She concluded that Loki will surely come back sooner or later after he's done with whatever important business is currently occupying him. And then she lay down on her bed to rest a little after the long ride.
A loud knock on the door interrupted her. Sigyn wondered briefly who could it be but no one came to mind. She knew for a fact that Loki never knocked.
"Come in," she called, got up quickly and smoothed her dress to face the visitor in more regal manner. Then she left the bedroom to see who had come.
In the main chamber, Thor stood looking uncertain.
Sigyn immediately felt her heart sink. Loki's older brother was never uncertain. This could only mean something bad.
"Thor?" she addressed him. She hoped that she managed to keep casual tone that didn't give away her fears. A moment later she remembered that during her absence the new king of Asgard was supposed to be crowned even though Loki'd told her that Odin will put it off certainly. She believed that if the new king had been crowned she would have heard of it on her way back but that wasn't a certainty so she decided to add: "Your Majesty?"
He looked up and understood immediately that she'd meant it as a question.
"No," he explained, "I'm not a king yet. I assume you didn't hear but the Allfather had decided to put the coronation off."
She nodded. She didn't consider necessary telling Thor that she'd already heard as much from Loki.
"Thor? What's wrong?" she asked then because it seemed like Thor would never start talking on his own. His eyes were searching the room as if looking for some help.
He sighed: "Sigyn, a lot of things happened while you weren't here. The Allfather thinks I should be the one to tell you."
Something happened. Something terrible happened. Her heart started beating wildly. She tried to say something but her throat tightened so that she could hardly breathe. With a vague gesture she invited Thor to sit down next to her on a resting sofa.
"I think it all started with the cancellation of my coronation," Thor began and Sigyn remembered that Thor's used to long and colorful storytelling, especially concerning his own deeds. So she quickly, restlessly interrupted him.
"Sorry, before you begin," she smiled apologetically and tried to hide all the nervousness she was feeling, "could you tell me... Is this about Loki?"
Here it was: the question she wanted to ask ever since she'd saw Thor in there. She wasn't sure if she even cared for problems in Asgard if they had nothing to do with Loki. On the other hand it was rare for problems in Asgard to not have something to do with Loki. (Not that he caused all of them, it just seemed like no matter what he does, he can never completely avoid them.)
Just as expected, Thor nodded. His voice sounded strange when he started talking and Sigyn looked at him more closely. She rarely ever heard such a tone from him before because Thor had always been cheerful and careless. But this time there was a strange mixture of bitterness, sadness and fury in his voice, maybe even something else she couldn't recognize. That was just another sign that whatever had happened it had to be something serious.
"Yes, this is about Loki. In the past few days he became king, tried to murder me, killed Laufey the King of Frost Giants and almost destroyed Jotunheim."
Sigyn stared at him, lost for words. She didn't know what to think. This wasn't possible. This couldn't be possible. She had gone to her parents' only for a few days... How could so many things happen so fast? How could such things even happen? And why? Why would Loki do such things?
So she regarded Thor with one last serious look and then she burst into laughter.
"Oh, hilarious, Loki, though usually your jokes make more sense. Why don't you tell me what actually happened while I wasn't here?"
Her laughter soon died down though, because Thor's face hadn't been replaced by Loki's and also nothing in his behavior gave away that he admits that he was caught. Thor was watching her, partly confused, partly just as bitter as before.
Sigyn cleared her throat. She felt that if she hadn't been sitting, she would have been near collapsing. So it wasn't a joke and everything Thor had said before was true? She still wasn't sure if she believed it.
"Where is he now?" she asked. If Loki had done something it was of most importance to ask where he was. What dungeon had the gods cast him into to suffer for his crimes? She realized she didn't even want Thor to tell her the whole story anymore, it would be better to find Loki and listen to his version.
Old memories resurfaced in her mind. A snake, poison dripping from its mouth, and Loki chained to a rock, helpless, screaming in pain. As soon as she saw him she ran to him and tried to chase the snake away but the beast wouldn't move. So Sigyn used a basin to catch the poison and protect Loki. She tried to calm him, to ease his pain but she herself felt so miserable like never before in her life. They were both crying and couldn't stop. Sigyn didn't even know how long they were suffering, how long it took the gods to forgive Loki and release him. But Sigyn believed that at that time she truly felt how it is to go mad from pain. When there is too much pain to bear with a clear mind.
Looking back she could just wonder when it had happened that the throbbing wound that used to be her heart turned back into something she could at least call a heart. How was it possible that her clear mind had returned and she'd managed to bury all the pain in the darkest corner of her mind? She knew Loki'd done the same and this – the nightmares they shared – was what had created unbreakable bound between them. That was why she didn't mind whatever crimes Thor wanted to blame Loki for – she knew her place. She just needed to know where he'd been taken, where was he being punished and she would be there by his side, offering comfort and support.
"He's gone," Thor said.
Once again Sigyn believed he must be joking. Gone? Whatever did he mean?
"Where is he?!" she repeated, putting emphasis on each word as if Thor had just misheard her the first time. He had to give her a clear answer; he had to tell her where to go to find Loki...
"No one knows where he is," Thor protested. "Not even Heimdal."
"How is that possible?" she blurted out. How far did he have to be when not even Heimdal could see him? Was there even a place that Heimdal couldn't see? If not, did that mean that Loki'd simply ceased to exist? No, she couldn't believe that. She couldn't even begin to imagine what that would mean.
"He fell into the void in between universes. I... I'm not sure if he managed to survive. I have no idea what happened to him," the grief in Thor's voice had won over other emotions.
Sigyn found herself trembling. She pressed a palm to her lips to suppress the sobs threatening to escape her. The world was spinning around her. She didn't want to accept it, any of it.
She was supposed to come home from the visit, find Loki and tell him how she enjoyed herself. Slip into his arms, admit how much she missed him and kiss him. Stay with him for the rest of her life like she wanted to ever since they'd gotten married. She never wanted anything else. And she never thought that her dream – such a simple dream – could be shattered. So easily! And there was nothing she could do to get him back!
She was shaking her head and crying. Thor watched her for a while then tried to hug her awkwardly but let her go immediately when she moved away. For a moment he seemed to consider leaving but then Sigyn calmed herself. She quieted her sobs, wiped away her tears and looked at him steadily. She wasn't as good at hiding her emotions as Loki but that didn't matter. She just needed to hold herself together until Thor told her the whole story and then she would fall apart again. Then she will fall apart because she felt as if all light had been drained from her. The meaning of her life shrank to hearing about the events that led to his fall; what was she going to do without Loki then she didn't know.
"As I said, it all started when my coronation was cancelled," Thor said after she'd nodded at him. "Some Frost Giants broke into the palace and tried to steal the Casket of Ancient Winters. They didn't get far, the Destroyer killed them, but it still made me angry. I believed it was an act of war. Back then I didn't know that they were there only thanks to Loki. He opened them a way to Asgard." The grief gave way to outrage.
Sigyn really, truly didn't like whenever someone complained to her about Loki. All better judgment always seemed to abandon her at times like that. Even now she needed to hold herself back from defending him – though it wasn't too hard considering she had nothing to say.
"Why did he do it?" she asked simply instead.
"Who understands the deeds of my brother?" Thor answered unhelpfully and yes, this time Sigyn really felt like starting a fight. She, for one, understood all of Loki's actions and was going to understand this one too.
"I talked about it with the Warriors who told me what happened while I wasn't in Asgard – hold on, I'll get to that – and we agreed that Loki did it because he wanted to ruin my big day. He was jealous that I'm to be the king of Asgard so he made sure that it didn't happen." He looked at her in confusion when she shook her head.
"What would he gain from that?" she objected.
"Well, he managed to make me go to Jotunheim in hopes to remind the Frost Giants of their place. I wanted to show them who their true king was. Odin'd forbidden me to do it but I still did it. Loki, Sif and the Warrior Three went with me. And once we were in Jotunheim there was a great battle..."
Sigyn didn't try to stop Thor when he started with the colorful description of the battle and all his heroic acts. His passion for battling was so earnest that he obviously couldn't let go of it even at a time like this. She wasn't even paying much attention – she was really interested only at the beginning when Thor vaguely mentioned that Loki tried to avoid the fight. If Loki truly had led the Frost Giants to Asgard in order to get Thor to go to Jotunheim why would he try to stop him? No, that didn't make sense. It almost seemed like the two events had nothing in common. Besides, Frost Giants were the biggest enemies of Asgard. Asgardians were generally expected to dislike them. Was it really so strange that Loki decided to kill a few of them, though in bit of a morbid way? Loki killed his enemies – that was the cold and harsh truth.
"After our return," Thor continued and Sigyn once again started paying attention to his story, "the Allfather yelled at me. We had an argument and then he said that I was not worthy of Asgard, let alone its throne. He took my powers and banished me – to Midgard."
Thor's expression changed but she didn't manage to read it. It was a strange mixture of regret and something she never saw on Thor's face before. He spoke again: "I won't tell you what happened to me on Midgard because you want to hear about Loki. So I'll tell you only about how he came to me."
"He came to you?"
Thor nodded. "But it wasn't a pleasant visit. He came to tell me what was going on in Asgard. He told me that out father had died and mother forbidden me to return."
Sigyn took a breath to ask a question, but Thor answered before she could say anything: "No, the Allfather didn't actually die; he just fell into his sleep. And mother didn't forbid anything either. Loki lied to me."
Sigyn was silent – she didn't have an excuse for such an obvious lie. She had the question 'Why?' on her tongue but she knew already that there was no use. She had to find the answer herself.
"So Loki became king," Thor continued. "The Warriors said that they asked him to cancel my exile but he disagreed. So they decided to go find me and bring me back."
"Wait, did you say that Loki was king?" Sigyn interrupted, astonished. Thor looked at her in a way that almost scared her. His gaze spoke of deep disapproval of all who yearned for power. Sigyn knew he misunderstood the anxiety in her voice, yet she still felt a bit offended by it.
"I'm asking because of your friends," she explained curtly. "If Loki was the king, they had no right to disobey him and go search for you."
Until after she saw the shocked look on Thor's face she realized that he probably didn't expect her to disagree. As if he truly expected her to turn on Loki even though he didn't actually give her any good reason for it! This was what really insulted her.
Thor, on the other side, was clearly insulted by thought that he deserved to stay in his exile. But wasn't that the truth? It was Odin's decision, after all.
"Anyway," he continued a bit more sternly, "Loki send the Destroyer after them to kill us all. Not only that – he was destroying everything in his way. But mainly he came for me. When I realized that I decided to face him. I tried to make up with Loki. I apologized to him. But he either didn't hear me or he didn't care."
Sigyn wanted to object. She wanted to prove Thor wrong. There was missing a point to everything Thor said Loki did. A justification. Loki never did things without a reason. Especially things like this. Somewhere in the dark abyss of the past was hidden a perfectly clear reason for it all, but she didn't see it and she didn't know how to find it and there was none...
A new wave of desperation almost made her cry again it was just like when she tried to protect Loki from the poison but the basin always filled up again and he suffered until she emptied it and there was nothing she could do to make it stop...
There was none to explain Loki's actions because Loki himself wasn't here anymore. His absence weighted her down like a dark shroud of a night without moon.
"He had to have a good reason," she said but her own words rang hollow.
"He wanted to get rid of me so he would stay king. He wanted to be Odin's favourite son. Maybe he hated me all along and just hid it very well."
She didn't believe that but she didn't let it show. She knew that Loki never wanted to be king; they talked about the topic many times. And she also knew that it couldn't be pure hate. The relationship between the brothers was difficult but it wasn't pure hate, not from Loki's side. And even if it was, there had to be something interfering – something to make the hate win over other emotions – and that something was exactly the one thing missing in the whole story.
"What happened then?" she asked in neutral tone.
Thor kept silent for a little longer but then he started describing another battle – this time the one he fought with the Destroyer.
"My parents later told me what was going on in Asgard at that time," he explained. "Loki brought to Asgard the King of Frost Giants: Laufey. He led him into father's very chambers. Mother told me that he killed Laufey there."
"So he wanted everyone to see that he saved Odin?"
"Exactly!" Thor looked almost glad that Sigyn finally stopped objecting. "Because he wanted to be king and wanted Odin himself to name him."
"Maybe he just wanted to kill Laufey?"
Thor frowned at her, confused.
"Jotunheim was – or still is? – at war with Asgard so the best way of winning the war was getting rid of their King. And there was one reason for Laufey to follow Loki into Asgard where he was vulnerable and not protected by his army – the chance to kill Odin. With their King dead it would be much harder for Jotunheim to fight on and I'd bet that Loki wanted to end the war as fast as possible. To kill Laufey in Odin's chambers guarded by Asgardian warriors who would fight by his side was certainly a better idea then to do it in the very heart of Jotunheim where the king-slayer would be immediately ripped to pieces by the rest of the Frost Giants."
It was like a small flame of hope ignited in Sigyn's heart – finally she managed to find at least a pinch of logic in the whole nonsense that Thor was telling her. She found an explanation for at least one of Loki's actions and not because she was desperate – it really matched Loki's strategic mind way better then Thor's beliefs about jealousy and hate. Loki was king and he was at war – of course he would try to fool his enemies.
There was a moment of silence. Thor was thinking over her words. She saw frustration in his expression, uncertainty and ever-present grief. When he finally looked back at her it was with a new perspective.
"I think... you're right," he admitted carefully. "It definitely seems to add a bit more sense to what he did next. Loki decided to use the Bifrost to destroy Jotunheim. But not even your words can justify that. Loki didn't have any right to destroy a whole world just because he was at war with it."
The flame of hope flickered. Thor was right – she couldn't excuse him for that. So there it was the same question once again – why? Yes, Loki needed to get rid of an enemy army but the army wasn't covering the whole world. Could his actions be influenced by the hatred towards Frost Giants that all Asgardians felt? Maybe, but that didn't sound like good enough reason. Was his hatred really so deep? On the other hand what happened during the coronation would suggest that yes, it was. Maybe Loki decided to use the war as an excuse to get rid of the greatest enemies of Asgard once and for all.
"I tried to stop him, but he wouldn't listen. He wanted to fight me. And he thought I want to fight him."
"What do you mean?" Loki wanted to fight Thor? What in the world could explain that? It almost sounded as if Loki went mad, but even madness needed some kind of reason. Sigyn felt the beginning of a headache as she struggled to make sense of it all.
"I don't know. He simply attacked me and told me to fight him. He sounded anxious." Thor shrugged helplessly. "I told him I don't want to fight him. That he's my brother. And Loki answered that he never was my brother."
He sighed: "That's why I think he hated me from the start and I just never noticed."
This really made Sigyn think. Loki rejected Thor as his brother? That could mean a number of things – though not exactly what Thor concluded because despite all arguments and conflicts between the brothers she never saw hate in Loki's eyes while talking about Thor. Irritation, anger, maybe a bit of disgust? Sure, everyone reacted like that from time to time. It wasn't sincere hatred. Or at least the last time she saw him.
The Loki she knew would expect others to fight him if he did something that was wrong in their eyes. If she could believe that Thor's description was accurate Loki didn't say that Thor isn't his brother but the other way around – that he himself isn't Thor's. It was just a detail but Sigyn knew that when it came to Loki all details were important. If Loki had hated Thor, he would have tried to lower him under his level. Instead he lowered himself.
She stopped for a moment, terrified at the realization where her thoughts were taking her. Maybe she thought too hard about the details? She couldn't picture the whole scene based on a couple of words. Especially when there was still missing a cause to all the emotions. Why would Loki think himself inferior?
She raised the basin and started catching the poison to keep Loki safe. Once the pain ceased enough for him to be able to realize what's going on a genuine fear filled his eyes. He asked her what it is she's doing. Sigyn answered, crying all the while, that she can't leave him there to suffer so she's trying to help. The fear and pain in his eyes confused her because back then she couldn't understand why they are there.
"You are going to collect the poison into the basin and then pour it over me to make me suffer ten times worse pain?" he asked, almost eager and she thought he went mad.
"No, love," she whispered, "I won't hurt you. I want to help you."
"You don't know what you're doing," he concluded then. "I deserve to suffer. Do you understand? I deserve this."
"There's nothing you could possibly deserve this for. You are my husband and I love you."
"I'm not your husband," he objected. "I wasn't meant to be. You deserve someone better. Much better."
Then the basin overflowed and his cry of pain interrupted their conversation. Once Sigyn emptied the basin and soothed his cries he told her what the gods had punished him for.
The memory was gone but Sigyn still saw the same pain in Loki's eyes that she now believed Thor also saw on Bifrost. Loki did something or someone did something to him.
Thor looked like he wanted to say something but then he looked away and when he actually started talking Sigyn read in his gaze that he was speaking about something else. He obviously withheld something from her but she decided to ask about it after she heard the whole story. It couldn't be much longer.
"I tried to save Jotunheim from its doom but Loki wouldn't let me and kept fighting me. In the end I did find a solution though – I had to destroy Bifrost itself."
"Did you do it?" she asked, stunned. Bifrost was the only common way of transport between worlds – there were others, more unusual ways but only few people knew them (including Loki and the reminder of his uniqueness was somehow painful for Sigyn).
"Yes," Thor's expression went dark. "I had to sacrifice the Bifrost to save the Frost Giants. I broke it; the whole observatory fell off and into the void. We remained hanging over the abyss – I was holding one end of father's spear, Loki the other one and I was luckily caught by the Allfather who had woken up and came to our help. But then..." Thor gave a small pause and Sigyn already knew what was coming. He'd told her before.
"The spear slipped from Loki?" The worlds sounded awful just as they left her mouth and Sigyn wished that she wouldn't have to think about it because the idea that she could have seen him again if only he had held tighter was creating a big bleeding wound in her chest.
But Thor shook his head: "Loki was apparently expecting praise or at least an agreement from father. But when he got none... He let go."
Sigyn's heart stopped. "He let go?" she repeated in disbelief.
But maybe she shouldn't be so surprised. Not after what Thor told her. If Loki truly despised himself and believed that he deserves punishment and isn't worthy of his loved ones, then his decision (it wasn't a mistake, it was a decision) made an awful kind of sense.
The story ended so all that was left was to find the trigger of all the events.
Thor leaned back on the sofa and for a while he looked everywhere but at Sigyn. She waited and hoped that he'd tell her something that would help. He swept his hand over his face and then he finally found the courage to look at her again: "My father thinks you should know even though I would rather keep quiet about it. I don't want to hurt you. But I already learned that it's better to listen to Odin."
That scared Sigyn. He didn't want to hurt her? What did that mean?
"I myself discovered it only after my return. The Allfather told me that Loki didn't know – he'd found out about it right after my banishment and after that Odin fell into his sleep because he had an argument with Loki and it upset him and tired him out."
Thor allowed himself another short pause but Sigyn didn't want to wait any longer: "What did he find out?"
"He found out," Thor answered finally, "that he's not Odin's blood son. Loki is – was? – Frost Giant and son of Laufey. Laufey wanted to get rid of him, he left him because he was too small for a Giant and when Odin found him he took him in."
"Laufey's son?" Sigyn asked blankly, unconsciously repeating Loki's own words.
She tried to process the fact. For all the years her husband wasn't Asgardian prince but adopted Frost Giant, thrown away by Laufey himself. Did it scare her? Yes, she was quite terrified at how easily one can discover that his whole life was a lie. But did it bother her? Did it disturb her? No, not at all. If anything it made her love for him stronger. She loved Loki the way he was. If it meant he was Frost Giant, if it meant he wasn't highborn Asgardian prince, then so be it.
Her own emotions were clear. Now she just needed to sort out Loki's. She knew all along that there is an explanation to it all and here it was. Loki obviously didn't tell himself that he's perfect the way he is. She could imagine how devastated he had to be at the knowledge that he's one of the biggest enemies of Asgard.
And she wasn't there by his side to comfort him and stop him from doing something they would all regret later. The bleeding wound in her chest opened up again. At that time Loki really needed her. It could have happened anytime but it had to be now when she wasn't there. She wanted to curse the whole world but that wouldn't help her.
So in the end it was in fact the hatred towards Frost Giants that Loki felt. But it was awakened by knowledge that he's one of them. He wanted to wipe out all evidence of their existence in denial of his own true face. Loki wasn't a cruel judge only to himself.
That explained all steps he took against the Frost Giants – if strategic reasons she suggested before weren't enough it was connected to the fact that he was trying to prove who he really is. Killing Laufey in front of Odin spoke volumes. He was trying so hard to rewrite the past.
To explain Thor's role in the whole thing was a bit harder. Loki's battle with Thor made sense before already, now Sigyn just knew the cause of Loki's self-hatred. She understood that. The Destroyer was more difficult. Why would Loki try to kill Thor? That was a rather strange approach. But then she remembered: fear.
The terrifying fear in Loki's eyes once he overcame the pain and saw her standing over him. If there was one thing that Loki was sincerely scared of it was judgment from someone he loved. He'd rather close his eyes or go blind then watch someone he cares about shake his head disapprovingly and turn away – leave him because of something he did. He could take without batting an eye if he was judged by those who meant nothing to him but a cold rejection from someone dear left him desperate. It took Sigyn long to understand his attitude this well but she lived by his side for decades – she had nothing if not time.
That was why Loki tried to kill Thor. It was cruel, yes, but Loki was convinced that if Thor returned to Asgard and found out who Loki really is he would completely reject him. The Thor who was now sitting next to her was obviously different in certain things – he tried to save the Frost Giants. The old Thor would never do that. Thor used to hate the Frost Giants just like Loki. So of course Loki expected his first reaction to be disapproval and hate. Expected him to see the enemy that Loki saw in himself.
And if Loki couldn't keep Thor from returning to Asgard – because his friends went after him and were of course going to clear up his lies – then in his desperation Loki could have thought that the best would be to just take away the pain. Loki was that way, she knew. If he had to tear off a patch he did it quickly and violently – he tried to cure the deep slow ache with a faster sharper pain.
"I didn't want to tell you," Thor explained carefully, "because I was afraid of your reaction. In my opinion it doesn't matter – it's just something that happened a long time ago. It doesn't change anything."
Something deep inside Sigyn twisted painfully. It wasn't just her who Loki needed by his side when he discovered the truth about his past. If Thor was there and told him that everything's alright none of this would have happened. But neither of them was there; Loki was alone and lost, without anyone to guide him away from the darkness in his mind. Why did the fate have to be so cruel?
"You're right, it doesn't change anything," she said gently. "I will always love him."
Thor gazed at her admiringly even though a bit uncertainly: "Even after all that he did? Perhaps I shouldn't have expected any less from a Goddess of Fidelity."
"You really shouldn't," she assured him with confidence she didn't feel. How can she call herself Goddess of Fidelity when she left her husband alone in a time of need? If she were there, if she returned earlier...
"Now that I mentioned it," Thor said thoughtfully and interrupted her endless stream of guilty thoughts, "I think that's the reason why he said he isn't my brother. He meant that we are not related by blood. But I didn't know about it back then. It seems that father's words meant more to Loki than they should have. Did he truly care so much about bloodline that he forgot that we grew up together and everything we've been though?"
Sigyn stared at him silently, not sure if she feels more like crying or laughing bitterly. Never before would Thor speak of Frost Giants as of different blood – before they were enemies and monsters. Loki didn't forget his childhood with Thor but was obviously scared of his future with him. He expected Thor to fight him. Wasn't it obvious?
She wondered how to tell Thor all this. Did she even want to? Would it help Loki if all of Asgard knew how he felt and why he did it? Asgardians were warriors – things like feelings were usually pushed aside. On top of that she even wasn't sure if she could explain it; if she would be able to speak about it. Her throat tightened at the thought of telling Thor about the endless suffering at the rock with the snake.
No, she decided, though she wasn't sure if she's not doing it merely out of cowardice. It wouldn't help. She would just reopen her wounds. Maybe she would even get angry at Thor if he rejected or misunderstood her explanation. It would be better if everybody draw their own conclusions. There was still a possibility that she was wrong about it all. She didn't think it was likely but that wasn't the point.
Thor shook his head and got up. Sigyn realized with feeling of dread that their conversation is over and she had no idea what to do. What is a Goddess of Fidelity supposed to do if there is none to be devoted to? Loki was gone and she was most likely to never see him again. What was left if he was everything to her?
Thor left quietly and Sigyn finally let her emotions loose. She wholeheartedly wept.
The broken Bifrost was ending abruptly over the abyss like a road to nothingness. From time to time Heimdal still kept watch there, but there was nothing to guard anymore. When Sigyn came he moved politely to the side to give her some privacy but she didn't doubt that he kept watching her.
She sat down as close to the edge as she dared without having to worry about falling. She was sitting quietly, staring at nothing and thinking. Often she lost herself in happy memories of Loki from times when everything was in relative peace. But mostly she thought about where he currently was. If he will ever decide to return to Asgard – if he will ever realize that Sigyn still loved him and didn't want anybody else.
She could imagine vividly what was he probably thinking if he was alive – that Sigyn deserved someone better then himself. That she deserved a highborn prince not a monster. She was sure that he missed her just as much as she missed him, but when he truly believed something there was nothing that could change his mind. Oh, why did he have to be so stubborn...?
She smiled. She could be stubborn too. She had made her decision long ago.
One day Loki will return. And she will wait for him day after day for all of eternity if need be, until he does.
All my thoughts are with you forever
Until the day we'll be back together
I will be waiting for you