Author Note: I wrote this so late at night it's not even funny. I was completely and utterly sleep-deprived when I wrote this, so I apologize for anything and everything.
Warning: Character death, suicide, mild one-sided Raphael/Donatello.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, thank goodness.
Raphael had always known his anger. Even when he was a child, he could feel the beast locked inside him. Every second was spent defending the key to the lock keeping it in check.
Fear was his defense against the anger. He kept himself at a distance, careful to never let anyone too close. If someone did, it was his fear that he would lose control.
Sometimes he tried to name the beast. Sometimes it was Regret. Other times it was Bitterness, Loneliness, or Self-Loathing. Once in a while it was Hatred or Revenge. But always it returned to its original title – Anger.
Raphael's brothers knew of the monster. They had met Anger.
Leo had met Anger while it was under the name Pride. When Raphael's guard dropped, when he was upset about losing or being told what to do, he lost the key to the cage that kept Anger contained. He lashed out, Anger giving him strength he had never had before. More often than not, when he came to his senses he found himself pinning his older brother against the floor or against the wall. Mikey and Donnie would be trying to pull him away. He always saw the same thing in all of their eyes – fear.
Donnie met Anger when it was under the name Lust. When Raphael stumbled into their home late at night, drunk out of his mind, and Donnie was the only other one awake, Anger took control. Donatello, however, was not nearly as fortunate as Leo. No one was there to protect him from Raphael. When Raphael woke up in the morning, his head aching from something more than a hangover, he would only have a vague recollection of the previous night. He would remember advancing on Donnie, pushing his limits before Donatello finally knocked him out. But he always remembered the fear in Donnie's eyes.
Mikey met Anger while it was called Jealousy. When Raphael was consumed by self-loathing, he would look upon Michelangelo's smiling face, and Anger would take control. Unlike Leonardo and Donnie, Anger manifested itself in words rather than actions around Mikey. A cutting insult, a thoughtless comment, it all came from a tongue sharp enough to cut flesh. When Mikey finally dissolved in tears, Anger was content at last. Raphael, horrified, would reach out to his little brother, but Mikey would turn and run, fearing the hurt Raphael would eventually bring.
Raphael could never defeat Anger. Anger was himself. He was Anger. He couldn't defeat Anger unless he defeated himself.
He tried to change himself. He really did. But changing himself on the outside couldn't change what was locked inside. And as he failed, the beast grew stronger. As the beast grew stronger, Leo, Donnie, and Mikey learned to fear Raphael.
Raphael couldn't hurt his brothers. He would give his life before he allowed them to be hurt. And give his life he would.
He held the pills in his palm contemplatively. They looked so innocent in his rough hand – the hand that had strangled Leo, roamed over Donnie's body, hit Mikey across his freckled face. Never again.
He put the pills on his tongue – the tongue that had criticized Leonardo's leadership, traced Donatello's jaw, spoke biting words that cut Michelangelo down. Never again.
As the pills slid down his throat, he recalled how people's lives flashed before their eyes before they died. Raphael resolved to think of nothing. He would not remember how he hurt his brothers.
Instead, memories rose unbidden of times he had loved his brothers. Times Leo had calmed his soul during meditation, times Donnie had been his listening ear, times Mikey had made him laugh. Times Leo said he loved Raph. Times Donnie said he loved Raph. Times Mikey said he loved Raph.
Times they had said they would love him no matter what.
Raphael felt his body seizing up. He gripped his throat desperately, trying to expel the pills. He couldn't die. He couldn't leave them. Without him, who would protect them?
"Watch your back, brainiac!" Raphael had yelled at Donatello after saving his little brother's life.
"That's what you're for, Raph." Donatello had replied cheekily.
But it was too late to go back now.
Raphael's hands became limp around his neck. His vision spotted before fading completely. Once bright green eyes glazed over, and his once stone-cold heart stopped.
Inside him, his demon, his beast, his monster, his anger – died at last.
But with Anger died Raphael, the protector, the reliable, the unchanging. With Anger died a beautiful life.
Raphael would never know the shock Leonardo felt when he stumbled upon his corpse. He would never witness Donatello's panic as he tried to bring back what was already lost. He would never feel the tears of Michelangelo on his face. He would never hear his brothers say that he had already been forgiven. That they love him.
Rest In Peace Raphael
We love you to the end, Raph.
We miss you.
Please come back to us.