Chasing Destiny
Nick Cutter, for all of his protestations and professorial eccentricities, was essentially flawed and a hypocrite. That hypocrisy had cost him the life of a good friend and confidante. He could blame Helen, but she had only been the catalyst, the incendiary device that, in the end, he had the power to control, but that he hadn't bothered to deal with as he should have. Stephen hadn't either and instead of banding together, they had both allowed her to rip them apart. Now that Stephen was dead, Nick felt nothing but sorrow and regret. The others had been sympathetic and had rallied around him to tell him that it hadn't been his fault. Jenny had done her best, as well, to comfort, but even she was a reminder of loss, the loss of Claudia. Nick had become single-mindedly driven after losing his friend to finding a way back to them through one of the anomalies. He had entered each one they had encountered in the hopes that one of them would lead him back to that particular past. He knew it was a long shot, knew it was foolhardy and probably impossible, but he couldn't stop himself from continuing to try.
Then when he had almost given up, he had stepped through one anomaly and found himself back in his office, his old office; the one he had shared with Stephen. The smells, the familiarity of it all, tore at his heart and the pain it brought was palpable. He wondered if Stephen would walk through the door, if he had gone back to the very beginning, before meeting Connor, before Claudia had approached him, had kissed him to presumably ward off a slime ball by telling him that he had been her boyfriend, before any of it. He took a moment to relax into his chair, closing his eyes to recapture those lost feelings of a carefree life, as just being a professor. It had been the first moment in a long time when he had felt safe, but still, he couldn't escape the ache that told him that he was very much alone. He didn't know why, but it was there.
After a few moments, he had decided that he had to face whatever timeline he had entered and drove over to the home office to find out. He received surprised and shocked looks from everyone as if they were looking at a ghost. Not surprising to him since as far as they had been concerned he was dead, had disappeared into an anomaly, never to return. If he hadn't felt the intense need to find out if Stephen was there, he would have laughed at the situation. Coming back "from the dead" was ironic as he was hoping to bring back a friend from the dead in his own way.
Lester was the first to greet him, shock on his face. Again, Nick wished he could enjoy the amusement of leaving Lester speechless, but he was on a mission.
"Cutter?" Lester uttered, still in shock.
"Where's Stephen?" Nick asked, cutting to the quick. "I need to talk to him."
The expression on Lester's face sent a cold chill down his spine.
"Come with me."
Nick was actually surprised that Lester hadn't questioned him or hadn't even ranted a little about where he had been all this time. That just made the chill he felt feel even colder.
He followed Lester through the hallways to where he saw Abby, Connor and Claudia their own shocked expressions greeting him.
He felt the immediate warmth of being home, of finally being where he had belonged all along, where he should have stayed all long, instead of following Helen and starting the ripple that had altered everyone's fates. She had led him to so many tragedies.
As much as he had wanted to enjoy that feeling, enjoy seeing everyone, especially Claudia, the fact that Stephen wasn't among them frightened him in ways that he couldn't voice.
"Cutter?" Claudia gasped.
She walked slowly over to him then tentatively embraced him as if worried he would disappear again or that her arms would go right through him as if he were a hallucination.
Nick found himself wrapping his arms around her as well. She felt so wonderfully familiar and safe to him. He hadn't realized until that moment just how much he had missed her, that as nice as Jenny was, she wasn't Claudia. Still, even with the warmth and security of her embrace, Nick had to find out where Stephen was. He needed to talk to him. There was no one, not even Claudia, who could reassure him that he was back safely where he had belonged than Stephen. Out of everyone, he had known Stephen the longest and had shared every agonized as well as every victorious moment in his life with him. The urgency was also driven by a need to make right what he hadn't with the Stephen of the future.
"Where's Stephen? I need to talk with him," Nick repeated.
Claudia pulled away from him. Connor and Abby bowed their heads. It was then that Nick knew.
"Nick, Stephen's dead. He died a month ago. He'd be badly injured –" Claudia said.
"A month ago?" Nick gasped, the awful truth hitting him like a ton of bricks, suffocating him. "No, no, I'm too late."
The realization that he had lost another opportunity, that cruel timing had caused him to miss his moment once again made the knowledge worse. It was like some cosmic curse had been exacted on him, with that thought came anger. Helen.
"Did Helen kill him?"
"What? No, it was another beast coming through the anomaly, it had surprised him, caught him off guard –" Claudia tried to explain.
"No, Stephen NEVER gets caught off guard. He's…" Nick swallowed back the emotion in his throat. "He was the best tracker. He'd never…it was Helen. I know it!"
Connor stepped forward.
"Cutter, how did you…"
Nick knew the question.
"After I…left here, I came back in a changed reality, all of you…well, almost all of you were there," Nick gave a quick glance to Claudia. "But the circumstances, the timeline, this timeline, was gone. During the time I was there, Stephen…"
Nick couldn't muster describing how Stephen had died. The screams were still haunting upon recall.
"I went through every anomaly, hoping I'd find my way back here and I did, but…too late. I'm too late."
"Too late? Too late for what?" Lester piped in finally.
"To save Stephen…to tell him things…" Nick felt the raw pain of disappointment of having failed Stephen yet again hit him square in the chest.
"Nick, you need to sit down, you're probably exhausted," Claudia tried to comfort.
"No, no, I just need to process everything," Nick said, the pain in his chest growing as if his heart would burst through it. "I failed him in the other timeline and now…I've failed him here."
Abby, who had been silently watching, her emotions getting the best of her at first, but snapping out of it, finally spoke.
"He left a message for you," she said.
Nick perked up and walked over to her.
"What?"
"I can't explain it. None of us understood. We all thought he was mad...but somehow he knew you'd be back. When he got hurt…knew he was dying, he insisted on making a video, a message that he told us to show you when you got back," Abby said, tears forming in her eyes as the memory of Stephen's death returned full force to her own heart.
"Where is it? I need to see it," Nick softly demanded, his desperation to seeing that message equal to Abby's agony at recalling Stephen's death. He suspected that in this timeline, they had become closer.
"It's difficult to watch. Stephen was very close to death when he…" Abby said, her voice barely a squeak.
Nick felt sympathy for Abby and the rest of them. He was asking them to relive a painful moment just to selfishly hear from Stephen some kind of message, perhaps some words of absolution to quell his guilt for what had happened to him in the future or for being too late now. Nick knew it was irrational, but sometimes irrationality was all you had to cling to when the madness from guilt was the other option.
"I'm sorry, Abby. I'm sorry to all of you. I know I'm acting like a madman, maybe even like a fool and I promise I'll explain everything, but I need to see that video. I believe that Stephen did know I was coming back and I need to hear him."
Abby nodded and walked away, implicitly telling Cutter to follow her and he did.
They had arrived at his office. They had left it as it was when he had left it.
"Stephen had insisted that we leave it the way it is. He was so sure that you'd be coming back to it. We thought that maybe he was going through some kind of denial or grief," Conner said. "Turns out he'd been right all along."
"Did he tell you why he thought I was coming back?"
"No, but he was certain it would happen. It had never interfered with the work, if anything, it made him more detemined, more focused than ever," Claudia said as her expression turned reflective. "He tried to comfort me by telling me that he knew he sounded daft, but that he wouldn't hurt me by giving me false hope. He said he knew you and that you would find a way back."
Claudia smiled as she looked into Cutter's eyes. "He was so convincing. So I hoped. As much for him as for me."
"That sounds like Stephen. He was always the compassionate one," Nick said with a fond smile.
"He had known all along how'd I felt about you even before I did."
"He was also the observant one," Nick said, directing a smile towards her. "It's what made him such an excellent tracker, he sensed the animals. It was what also made him an exemplary man. I never gave him enough credit. I took him for granted instead. His only blind spot was Helen. In her, we both were taken in. It's why I believe that she caused his death here, just like she had caused it in the other timeline."
Claudia gave him a sympathetic expression. "You were hoping to find him –"
"Alive here, yes…selfishly I wanted to make right what I had done to him back there, but Helen took that away from me again. I know it's unfair of me, but I'm hoping that seeing Stephen, hearing him again, I can find some peace. The way he died…" Nick took in a shaky breath.
Claudia reached out and touched his arm.
"I understand. His death here, devastated all of us, we're still not over it really. Abby and he had gotten particularly close so she's had it the hardest. No matter what you find on the video, we're glad you're back and I know that Stephen, somehow, is glad as well."
Nick had missed Claudia's tenderness and empathy. It was a quality that was starkly lacking in Jenny, at least at first. He reached for her hand and squeezed it.
Connor had been tapping the keys on a laptop while they had talked. The plasma screen came on. They then began to leave, figuring that maybe Nick would want to be alone.
"Look, I'll understand if you can't watch it, if it's too painful, but you don't have to go."
It was Nick's way of telling them that he didn't want to be alone. He had to admit that inside him, he felt a tremor of nervousness. They nodded and stayed in the room with him, Claudia holding his hand.
The screen came on and there was Stephen, the pain etched on his face, his breathing fast and laboring. It had reminded Nick of when Stephen had been bitten by the centipede, his suffering then seemed to pale in comparison to what he was seeing now, still, the Stephen he had watched die in the future, that death had been brutally savage and vicious, filled with screams that to this day haunted Nick's dreams. In an odd way, the Stephen he was watching now was downright comforting, but to lose him yet again, to watch him die again, that was what was giving him an ache deep down to his own soul.
"Nick..." Stephen panted. "Hoped...to deliver this in person...but dying now so have to...do it this...way."
Nick felt his throat constrict at the sight of his dying friend, struggling to catch his breath, his body clenching and shivering with spasms of pain.
"Helen...came through…the…anomaly after you had disappeared...told me...she saw you...in the future...said you betrayed me...let me die...there…I didn't believe her, Nick...knew you would never do that… it's not in you…need you to know that it was me who betrayed you...with her... I'm sorry," Stephen groaned, his hands fisting the sheets of his bed, his panting breaths coming quicker, difficult swallows of air punctuating the suffering.
Nick had already known about the affair with Helen and had come to peace with it. It was completely insignificant in retrospect and yet he couldn't help feeling hurt back then and in his own passive aggressive way, he had punished Stephen with his indifference. Now, he just blamed Helen and wished he had done things differently with Stephen. She had played them both well.
"Whatever...happened...to me in the...future...I...know…it...wasn't your fault. I know...Helen had...some hand in it...I know…you, Nick...I-"
Stephen's body arched in pain and he grunted with it.
"When…Helen told me…I'd died in your timeline…and this…happened…it became crystal clear to me. You couldn't have saved me…Nick…I was…fated to die no matter what timeline you found me… but I knew…you'd blame yourself...and would look for...some way...to make it right...you're a right stubborn bastard…" Stephen smiled. "I knew you'd be back some how…to seek f...forgiveness...but…there's nothing to forgive, you see? There was nothing you could have done. After what I did...I...needed to ask for yours...Hoped it would be...over a pint like the old days...but this will have to do..."
Stephen's voice was hoarse, his breathing became an irregular wheeze and his body slowly began to still yet he flashed a smile.
"You belong here...with Abby...Connor and Claudia...Lester too," Stephen smiled. "Forgive yourself...there's nothing...for me to forgive...you for, but...like I said...I know you...so I...f...forgive you...mate..."
Stephen's breathing stopped, his eyes closed and so did the video. Nick then turned and walked towards Claudia. He took her into his embrace and wept. Abby reached for Connor.
Nick felt a sense of belonging that he hadn't felt for a long time, but the grief was still overwhelming that Stephen still was dead and that no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't change that outcome. It was just like Stephen to make sure that he would be "welcomed back" into the fold again. It didn't come as a surprise that Stephen would have found the answer that Nick had needed.
"I forgive you, Stephen," Nick uttered softly and he felt Claudia hold him tighter.
FIN. Thanks for reading.