Her death. Freya's death.
It was still imprinted in his mind. And Arthur had wielded the final blow.
How could he? Yet he knew it wasn't his friend's fault; the blonde hadn't known of his feelings for the Bastet. But that didn't mean it didn't still hurt or that he would automatically forgive the prince.
So he sat in silence, going about his daily life on auto pilot. Some asked what was wrong, but he shrugged them off, forcibly reminded of his inability to trust.
He couldn't even bring himself to fake a smile, fake a laugh. He couldn't act the carefree, stumbling manservant he was supposed to be, no, that he always was.
Sometimes it was all just a cover. The weight of his destiny and endless responsibilities exhausting him to the core.
Those random days were when his acting came out and everyone remained ignorant. Even his youthful built had taken its toll.
Everybody passed him off as naturally skinny, which he was. They didn't know there was a reason for all the layers he wore – just another thing to hide.
He never had a moment to spare to eat; it was the least of his problems. And at the end of the day, drained, he fell into his bed, sleeping instantly. All the while knowing even if he wanted supper, he'd be too tired to lift the fork to his mouth.
Then he was awake, a mere five hours later, reducing his health even more. The days he reflected on this, were the days he had to be careful with. Having to ne absolutely sure the jovial mask was secure on his face.
But this time was too much. The first girl he loved was gone. Dead. Murdered.
It was not that he would never love again, though he knew he wouldn't. No, it wasn't self-pity. It was sorrow.
Sorrow and grief – and that was too much for his façade. His mask fell and some had noticed.
He knew Gaius tried to understand, tried to make him feel better but his guardian didn't – couldn't know exactly how he felt.
And Arthur. Her killer. He knew something was up, Merlin knew he did. It could almost be considered considerate that Arthur was giving him some space, not prying too much.
The prince lessened his workload, it was subtle, but the act was noticed; Merlin grateful.
Still, the blonde couldn't help but be curious, it was in his nature and Merlin his friend.
It had been days – days of silence and polite, short answers. Arthur had tried to bring up his friend's attitude, though it never worked.
But one day he had had enough. The prince had walked into his chambers to find Merlin, despondent Merlin, sitting on the floor at the head of a line of a dozen pair of boots, meticulously cleaning each and staring straight down.
He tried once again to try and lighten the atmosphere but his efforts were in vain. Foreign to this situation, Arthur tentatively sat down next to his manservant.
But he wasn't just a manservant anymore, he was a friend. A friend who couldn't trust him. Arthur didn't know much about friendship but he did know that that wasn't usual.
Trying to resist frustration, Arthur tried again. Unresponsive as ever, Arthur brought up the water incident, fully knowing that wasn't the cause of his friend's mood.
It seemed to get a little conversation out of Merlin, however, and Arthur playfully grabbed him in a headlock.
Merlin was glad. He could pretend his anger at Arthur was for something else – something trivial. And pretending was good, pretending was normal.
And maybe he could return to how he was and they would be 'Arthur and Merlin' again. But not forgive him. No, never forgive him.
Arthur had attempted to comfort him –which unusual, but not unwelcome – was a step forward. The headlock was normal, though.
And something's never change and maybe, maybe that was a good thing. Move on but not forget, not forgive.
And Arthur, he caught that fleeting smile on Merlin's face. He knew, for once, he had done something right.
Maybe it was okay that that wasn't normal. Because Merlin had smiled – just for a second. And that in itself was a step forward.
A/N: How'd I do? Angst-y enough? =D
Sorry if there's something off with the bits from the eppie (I haven't watched it in a while).
Review plz!