SOUTH PARK AARGH IS OFFICIALLY BACK! (Sorry for the absence!)
Hey, guys, Wensleydale here, those who read the announcement on either my or John's forum (you can find links to both on my profile here) probably already know this, but I'm gonna take a break from releasing fics in proper chronological order. Well, a small break. I'm just going to release this one, which is the Season 17 finale, fitting as we now move right into Season 18 next month. I'm writing this waaay ahead of time, so I don't know if I manage to write and upload seven chapters in time before the premiere, but I'll do my best!
This is the episode I always wanted to write, ever since I joined the fandom. As some of you probably noticed, the title references MLP:FiM's episode "Best Night Ever", and indeed, I'd like to inform you that there will be three MLP knockoffs among the episodes of South Park Aargh, but I assure you that all three are going to have a wee twist that will make the reading experience worth your while. At least I hope you'll feel that way.
So, without further ado, let's dig into episode 1817, "Best Year Ever" and see how the kids manage to deal with their daily lives… in the FIFTH GRADE!
[The episode begins in the morning, with an outside view of Bebe's house. We cut to an inside view of her room and we see her sleeping comfortably in bed. The alarm clock rings, but only for a second. It is quickly stopped by Bebe's hand that springs from under her blanket while the rest of her body remains in place. Afer that, we see a shot of a determined look on her face, barely visible under the mentioned blanket]
BEBE: …It's time.
[We cut to Token's bedroom where he makes the same motion at Bebe, but doesn't bother to look at his alarm clock and instead glances at his expensive wrist watch and smiles in a determined way]
TOKEN: …It's time.
[We cut to Kevin and Esther's bedroom and see them exchange looks while still in bed]
KEVIN AND ESTHER: [simultaneously] It's time.
[We cut to Jimmy's bedroom]
JIMMY: It's t-t-tah…
[We cut to Clyde slowly getting out of bed, still sleepy. As he stands up in his pajamas, we see that he's a lot taller, resembling 5th graders from "T.M.I." in height]
CLYDE: [exhausted] It's time…
[We cut back to Bebe's bedroom, where we notice she is also taller. We see her in pajamas, opening a small wardrobe and picking out her regular clothes. Then, she opens a gigantic wardrobe and we see nothing but shoes stashed in it, some falling down next to Bebe. She picks a pair and suddenly her phone rings. She answers it promptly and we cut to Wendy's room where we see her already in formal attire, packing clothes]
WENDY: It's time, Bebe!
BEBE'S VOICE: I know it's time!
[We cut to Cartman's kitchen where we see him fatter than ever (except in Weight Gain 2000), eating his Corn Flakes in a hurry]
CARTMAN: [with Corn Flakes in his mouth] Faster, meeehm! It's tahm!
[We cut to outside Heidi's room, where we see Powder strangely sleeping like a dog on the floor. Heidi walks outside and nudges Sally with her foot]
HEIDI: It's time!
POWDER: It's time?
[We cut to Tweek running around in his room, panicking]
TWEEK: OH, SWEET JESUS, IT'S TIME! AARGH!
[Kyle's bathroom]
KYLE: It's time!
[Back to Jimmy's room]
JIMMY: Tah-ta-taaaah…
[Annie's room]
ANNIE: It's… time…
[Red's living room]
RED: It's time!
[Timmy's living room]
TIMMY: Timmeh!
[Kenny putting his shoes on]
KENNY: (Woohoo!)
[Linkara's room from Atop the Fourth Wall. We see Linkara looking at his pocket watch]
LINKARA: Say… It's Miller time!
[Milly's room]
MILLY: It's tahm!
[Again, back to Jimmy's room]
JIMMY: Tah-tah-tah… Timing! No, wh-wait…
[We cut to the Stotches' drawing room, where we see Stephen and Linda sitting on a couch, while Butters runs out of the house in a dorky formal sweater and tie]
BUTTERS: Oh, boy, oh boy, it's time! Bye mom, bye dad!
[Butters shuts the door and disappears. His parents, sitting on the couch, glance at the front door in silence]
LINDA: Time for… what exactly? Butters is often optimistic, but it's unusual for him to be that happy about school starting.
STEPHEN: Oh, Linda, don't you know? Our boy is finally entering fifth grade! It's a big day for a young man like him! In fact, I can't think of a kid who wouldn't be over the moon about this!
[We cut to the Marsh residence where we see Stan calmly walking outside in his own blue suit, his one hand in his pocket and another used to take a sip of booze from his new flask. He is also taller and we see strands of his black hair coming out of his hat. We cut to him seeing no-one at the bus stop]
STAN: Huh. I guess I could walk to school.
[We cut to Stan entering the school. The hallway is filled with excited 5th graders. Stan approaches his usual group of friends, joint by Wendy, Bebe and Fiona]
BUTTERS: Uh, howdy there, Stan! Aren't you excited?
STAN: For what?
BEBE: Fifth grade, of course! Are you dumb? This is gonna change everything!
STAN: [rolls his eyes] Sure, whatever.
WENDY: Bebe's right, Stan. Fifth grade isn't gonna be like any other year!
FIONA: Aye! Thes is th' year in which everythin' changes!
STAN: [folds his arms skeptically] How exactly?
BEBE: Well, Kenny might start raping everybody he sees and be determined to destroy your relationship with Wendy due to pure jealousy and hedonism, Wendy might get gang-banged and miscarry your baby, though the latter would only turn out to be your dream sequence, and Garrison might only teach us about Breaking Bad, which would become boring very quickly for non-fans. [A moment of silence] …Well, just sayin', that might happen.
CARTMAN: Nyeh, probably not, Garrison's not gonna teach us anymore.
STAN: …That's the issue you're having with what she said?
KENNY: (Yeah… And people say I have a sick mind…)
STAN: Look, there isn't gonna be any goddamn soap opera around her just because we're a year older, this is just ridiculous!
KYLE: Stan's right! Let's focus on the positives! This year is gonna be great!
STAN: That's not what I meant!
KYLE: [not listening to him anymore] Dude, I can't believe we're finally here.
CARTMAN: Yeah, when you think about it, fourth grade lasted, like, forever!
WENDY: Well, you'd better believe it, you guys, it's true! We're finally in the fifth grade.
CARTMAN: Can you imagine how awesome it will be, finally being fifth graders? I waited for this moment all my life, you guys!
BUTTERS: [rubs his hands together] Oh, boy, oh, boy, I can't wait to finally be one of the cool kids!
JIMMY: Yeah, f-fellas, I have a feeling fifth grade will be just f… f-f… fa-fah… f-fantastic!
STAN: [skeptically] You guys, maybe you shouldn't have such high expectations of this, you can't possibly know what fifth grade will be like.
CARTMAN: [rolls his eyes] Oh, there he goes again… Stop being such a negative wuss, Stan, it will be great if you just have the right attitude!
KYLE: Cartman's right for once, Stan. Come on, you guys, With all that we've imagined, the reality of this year is sure to make this... The best year ever!
[The music goes louder as the instrumental version of MLP:FiM's "At The Gala" song begins playing. As each one of the kids sings about their dream, the camera focuses on them, after which a visualization of every dream follows]
KYLE: In the fifth grade!
CHOIR: In the fifth grade!
BUTTERS:
In the fifth grade, all the fellas,
Will accept me as one of them!
Finally, I'll be popular,
In the fifth grade!
CHOIR: In the fifth grade!
BUTTERS:
Everybody's gonna like me,
I'll be the school's lil' gem!
We'll become good friends forever,
This year in the fifth grade!
CHOIR: Our dreams will come true,
Right here in the fifth grade!
Blowjob, Blowjob!
FIONA:
In th' fifth grade, Ah will earn it,
Aye, th' fortune o' me dreams!
STAN: Fiona, stop it!
FIONA:
All the money that is waitin',
Richt thare every day fer me!
CHOIR: Mary Sue!
FIONA:
An' A'll make me clan, McTeagle,
Bleedin' proud o' me!
CHOIR:
All our dreams and blowjobs,
from now until hereafter,
All that we've been wishing for
will happen in the fifth grade! Blowjob, Blowjob!
WENDY:
In the fifth grade I will meet him,
The new principal, Stan Lee,
Full of liberal ideas in the fifth grade!
CHOIR: In the fifth grade!
WENDY:
He'll be clever, open-minded,
And make me his deputy,
He will treat me like an equal,
Finally in the fifth grade!
CHOIR:
This is what we've waited for,
To have the best year ever!
Each of us will get blowjobs,
This year in the fifth grade, in the fifth grade!
KENNY: [muffled]
(I've been dreamin', I've been waitin',
To fondle those great boobies,
Victoria, Pearl, the sixth grade chicks,
I'm gonna touch their brilliant tits!
I've never seen any dragons,
I'm allergic to almonds!
I'll get a girlfriend and get laid…
In the fifth grade!)
CHOIR:
All we've longed, for all we've dreamed,
Our happy ever-blowjob!
Finally we'll blowjob blowjob,
Here in the blowjob!
TIMMY: Timmeh, Timmah!
CARTMAN:
I am hyah in the fifth grade,
All my dreams are coming true!
I'll get rid of all the hippies
And of Kahl, that stinkin' Jew!
For I am the chosen leader,
I will finally rule the skewl!
Hippies burning, Jews dying!
Right hyah in the fifth grade!
CHOIR: Happiness and blowjobs in the fifth grade,in the fifth grade!
KYLE:
In the fifth grade, with the teacher,
Is where I'm going to be!
I will finally learn something,
Not related with TV!
Garrison doesn't teach us,
That fills me with glee!
CHOIR: This will be the best year ever!
Into the fifth grade we shall go,
We're learning what we don't yet know.
Into the fifth grade let's go, dudes,
And have the best year ever.
Into the fifth grade, now's the time,
We're ready and we feel just fine.
CHOIR + KYLE + BUTTERS: Into the fifth grade!
BUTTERS: Make new friends!
CHOIR + FIONA: Into the fifth grade!
FIONA: Earn a fortune!
CHOIR + CARTMAN: Into the fifth grade!
CARTMAN: Rule the skewl!
CHOIR + WENDY: Meet the principal!
KENNY: (Fondle titties!)
BUTTERS: To make!
FIONA: Tae earn!
WENDY: To meet!
KENNY: (To grope!)
CARTMAN: To rule!
KYLE: To learn!
CHOIR:
Into the fifth grade! Into the fifth grade!
And we'll have the best year ever!
Blowjob, blowjob!
STAN: …Goddamnit, you guys.
Oh, yeah, I'm forging a whole new continuity starting with Season 18! Messin' with our old pal Status Quo big time! Ballsy move, ain't it? Yes, you should all praise my bravery in songs! Wensleydale Cheddar is going where no fanfiction author except a bazillion others has gone before!
…Anyway, thanks a lot for reading and reviewing my stuff and I hope you guys continue to do that in the future. I'll thank you properly in the author's note for the Season 9 premiere, because I wrote that before going into this. There's also an apology for being late with my updates there. I should probably at least try to copy and paste it here, but for one, I'm too lazy for that and the other reason is that I'm trying to stick to a "seven pages per chapter" schedule, and that's counting the author's notes, so pasting it here would bother my mild OCD.
On a side note, I don't know if you go to school in formal attire at the beginning of the school year in the US, but that's definitely the case in Poland. If I'm mistaken when it comes to Colorado, I didn't do my research and I sincerely apologise.
Tune in next week or earlier for the next chapter and please leave reviews! I hope you liked the song!
Cheers,
WDC