So, I debated writing this for a long time. I haven't posted anything on here in three years, and I haven't really done any creative writing in about that long so I was, and still am afraid that I won't do these characters justice. But I finally decided to just dive in, so here it is. It's to the song, Whatever Gets You Through Today by The Radio. Addison's POV, obviously. Let me know if you like it, reviews would be greatly appreciated.
Disclaimer: Shonda owns these wonderful people; not me.
Someone said today,
There's no other way
Of playing...
But I'll find a way,
I'll find another way
Of saying...
All the time we have for life,
Thinking 'bout the lives we had
Together...
Whatever gets you through today
Sometime yesterday,
There was another way
Of dreaming...
But there's another way
You don't have to be a hero...
God, it's not easy
There's a lot to keep you holding
On forever...
Whatever gets you through today
I trudged up the steps to my palatial New York brownstone and turned the key in the lock. I stumbled inside, exhausted, from another long shift spent at the hospital. Fatigue set in as I crossed the empty living room and remembered that tonight would be another lonely, sleepless night spent without my husband.
I couldn't complain really, it had been mostly my fault. Well, Derek was to blame as well, but our marriage wouldn't be in shambles if I hadn't made that final life altering decision. A decision I was sure to regret for the rest of my life.
My expensive Jimmy Choos felt like lead weights on my feet with each agonizing step I took up the stairs and towards the bedroom. Not my bedroom, just the bedroom. I hadn't slept in Derek's and my bedroom since that night.
Ever since that night, I had resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom. Which none too helpfully probably contributed to my ever-present feeling of loneliness.
The guest bedroom was cold. If only to me. We had hired Manhattan's foremost interior designers to make the place feel homey. It will be warm and inviting they had told us. As this moment, and for the past two months, it felt the exact opposite. It mocked me. Every night I spent in there, it reminded me that it was my fault I felt like this. I had ultimately caused the irrevocable pain that would forever be the black mark on our marriage.
Mark, there he was again. He was also the problem. He was Derek's best friend for god sake. Why had he made those advances? If anyone knew how fragile and neglected I had been feeling for the past months, maybe even year, it was him. Nevertheless, he had continued, not knowing, how monumentally this would forever affect the lives of three people, who had once considered themselves best friends.
I had become accustomed to thinking like this. It seemed whenever I really got down to thinking about the colossal mess I had created, I found ways to blame everyone but myself. Derek was absent, Mark should have known better. But never, Addison should have thought before she let her pain guide her emotions. Not once had I really taken responsibility for my actions. I knew it was my fault that Derek was two thousand miles away. My fault I was on the verge of divorce, and my fault I had been miserable for the past two months.
It was all my fault, and that's why I decided right there, broken down, defeated and on the verge of tears, that I couldn't let this all slip away, not without a fight. 11 years of marriage could not simply be absolved by Derek running and me pretending he had never been a part of my life.
God, it's not easy
There's a lot to keep you holding
On forever...
It was close to midnight, I didn't care. Within thirty minutes, a flight had been book and my designer luggage was slowly filling with expensive garment after expensive garment.
A part of me felt like I had no right to fly across the country and beg for forgiveness, well not beg, Addison Shepherd did not, would not beg, but the other part of me knew I had no choice, and if I didn't go now, I would always regret it.
Space, he had said. He needed space, two thousand miles and two months seemed like a hell of a lot of space to me, but I had obliged. I was sick and tired of waiting though. Derek wasn't the only one who had been emotionally invested for the last 11 years, so he wasn't going to be the only one to end the marriage that I had been an equal participant in.
What did he think, he could just run away? That I'd let him? Sit here for the rest of my life saying, "Oh well" and thinking about what could have been? I wouldn't give him that right or satisfaction.
Though this had been my fault, I was determined to maintain some of my dignity. Although, chances were I was already the talk of Seattle. God knew I had already heard all about Derek and the slutty intern her had been sleeping with since he'd arrived. Word traveled fast in hospitals, but I had had no idea word would travel this quickly across two thousand miles.
An intern! An intern for god sake! Some leap from foremost neonatal surgeon in the country to practically invisible intern in some dreary city in Washington. This fact didn't bother me though. If anything, it made me even more confident that I could easily persuade Derek to return to Manhattan with me and try to work things out. He had known this girl for two months; she couldn't be anything but a rebound. Right? I pushed the thought from my head. The last thing I needed now was to doubt myself.
I piled a few last miscellaneous items into my purse and latched it closed. The walk to the towering mahogany door that stood as the barrier between the real world, and the place that had made me miserable for so long was less than enthusiastic. The door seemed to open itself as I neared it. As I crossed the threshold, I glanced back, taking in my surroundings, as 11 years spent here flashed before my eyes. I blinked and as quickly as the memories had flooded my mind, they were gone.
"Time to make new memories", I encouraged myself as I closed the door and heard the lock latch. The door that had once seemed so welcoming, a symbol of the strength of our marriage, now separated me from the place that had housed a less than perfect marriage.
All the time we have for life,
Thinking 'bout the lives we had
Together...
The plane ride had been calming. Despite many people's qualms about flying, I had always found it therapeutic in a way. As you sat there, waiting, leaving, watching, running, going somewhere, you could just imagine what kinds of lives all these people had. Maybe they were happy, maybe they weren't you never knew, but you could make up whatever lives you wanted for them. They could be whoever you wanted them to be, what you wanted to be. And at this moment, those thoughts soothed me.
Weather problems, rain; go figure, had delayed my flight and it was 6:30 by the time I finally arrived in Seattle. After I left the airport terminal, it dawned on me that I had no real plan. I didn't know where Derek lived, if he was working today, what I would even say. I chided myself for using the six hour plane ride to people watch instead of think this through. It occurred to me that I really hadn't thought this through.
What the hell had I been thinking when I decided to just run across the country? Had I hoped Derek would see me and immediately take me back? No, I knew that would not be the case. No matter how much love there was between us, no man would forgive his wife for doing what I had done in two months.
With nothing but my bags and purse, I left the airport and headed toward the hospital. I didn't really know what I'd do once I got there. If he were working, he probably wouldn't be off this early but as I neared Seattle Grace, neon lights across the street caught my attention. Joe's Bar they read. I made a quick u-turn and pulled into its parking lot, knowing that if I was going to do what I came here to do, I'd need to do it with a drink in me first.
A bell dinged as I entered the homey establishment. I walked up to the bar and hesitated. What did I want? Hell, I wanted a lot of things, but right now, more than anything I wanted Derek. So, as the bartender, Joe presumably, asked me what he could "do me for", I coolly replied, "Double scotch, single malt please."
Again, I evaluated my surroundings, wondering the stories of these people's lives until Joe's voice interrupted my thoughts as he pushed the drink in front of me.
I lifted the glass to my lips and let the cool liquid run down my throat, savoring it. Oh, how I wished Derek had savored me. I ordered another, loving the way the alcohol burned and seemed to drown my feelings. I stopped at two, knowing there was absolutely no way I could show up and talk to Derek drunk. I opened my wallet and slipped a few bills on the table, then collected my purse and left the bar.
I had decided I would just go to the hospital and wait. If he wasn't there today, he had to work sometime, so I'd wait. Wait for him. I didn't know what I'd say but I knew it would come to me when I needed it to. I pushed open the glass doors to the hospital and walked over to the front desk, my heels clacking loudly on the cool tile as I went. I stopped just short of the desk when out of the corner of my eye I spotted him. He still looked just has amazing as he had the day I'd met him, our wedding day, and the day he'd left me. Though his amazing blue eyes seemed a little brighter today, than the day he'd walked out into the rain without so much as a glance back. I closed the distance between him, his 'girlfriend' and myself. As I did so, he spotted me and whispered something to her I was a few steps too far away to hear.
I stopped in front of him and he spoke.
"Addison, what, are you doing here?"
Those words, the ones I knew would come to me, were on the tip of my tongue. What I hadn't counted on was the influence those couple drinks I had just downed would have on said words. They came out sounding hard and bitter, two things I wasn't sure I had the right to sound like.
"Well you'd know if you bothered to return any one of my phone calls."
I directed myself toward her and fake-friendly announced,
"Hi, I'm Addison Shepherd."
"Shepherd?" she questioned. She looked crushed, bewildered.
"And, you must be the woman who's been screwing my husband."
Whatever gets you through today
So there it is. I hope it wasn't too unbearable. I stole the last few lines from the season 1 finale, Who's Zoomin' Who? It actually turned out a lot better than I thought it would and I like it a lot. Review, I need feedback and I'd love to know what you think.