Written for karaokegal's come as you're not Halloween party! :D As I am definitely –not- a Huddy shipper, what better disguise could I don? At any rate, this will be the only piece of Huddy that I will –ever- write. So enjoy while you can!
Notes Before We Start:
1) Set between "Unfaithful" and "The Softer Side." In case you forgot, "Unfaithful" is the Simchat Bat episode and "The Softer Side" is the one where House decides to try methadone as pain relief instead of Vicodin. House/Cuddy conversation. What they say is in quotes, what they really mean is in italics.
2) The format of this is modeled after juliabohemian's beautiful fic Subtext (similar to this, but instead a conversation between House/Wilson). If you haven't read that I highly recommend you do, mostly because one of the best HW fics I've ever read. :) Subtext is friendship/gen unless you have slash goggles (which fortunately I do, but you can't borrow them. NYAH! XD).
So here goes!
House
"So how did your display of religious hypocrisy go?"
Hi, Cuddy. How was the Simchat Bat?
Cuddy
"If you're referring to Rachel's Simchat Bat, it went just fine. Thanks for asking."
You would have known if you'd come.
House
"Was there the traditional puking of the baby over the priest? I notice that Wilson's wearing a new shirt today."
Tell me all about it. Please.
Cuddy
"Wilson didn't preside. And no, she didn't. Surprisingly, everything went well. I know how that disappoints you."
Again, if you'd been there, you'd know all this. God, who am I kidding? I can't blame anyone other than myself for your absence.
House
"I did think about coming, you know. You know how I hate a chance to pass up free alcohol."
I did want to go. But you said not to, and…well, I thought it would be best to stay away.
Cuddy
"I'm gratified that you didn't, otherwise nobody would dare to come to Rachel's Bat Mitzvah."
Maybe you could come to that? It would be different. Things can change in twelve years.
House
"Wow. You're planning to do this again when she turns twelve? What, are you going to raise her to keep Kosher as well?"
Please don't keep me away from the Bat Mitzvah too. I'd like to come, you know.
Cuddy
"Once again, House, there is nothing wrong about celebrating your heritage. Obviously you wouldn't understand, though."
These ceremonies are important to me. I want them to become important to you, too.
House
"My heritage consisted of constant moving and military discipline. Trust me, you wouldn't want to celebrate it either."
My life basically sucked. Is it so much to ask, to be part of yours?
Cuddy
"..."
That sounded ominous. Will he get angry if I ask?
House
"Oh, don't give me that look. We're not talking about me. We're mocking your religious double standards, remember?"
God, that sounded pathetic. Why'd I have to say that?
Cuddy
"I didn't say anything."
I should've known better than to hesitate.
House
"Good."
Great. Now just drop it.
Cuddy
"At any rate, I suppose you got completely pissed out of your mind yesterday and ended up passing out on the couch."
What did you do instead? Did I hurt you when I said you couldn't come?
House
"Now why would I do that? No, yesterday I had a very nice threesome with a few ladies of the night."
I played the piano and got drunk. Yeah, that was just so much fun.
Cuddy
"Is that what they call themselves now?"
Sounds like you didn't need me after all.
House
"Jealous? Rest assured that their asses were not nearly as nice as yours, though. Trust me on this."
I would've much rather been with you. But I guess that's not going to happen anytime soon, huh?
Cuddy
"You're disgusting, House."
You don't need me. You don't care about relationships.
House
"You're surprised?"
What else did you expect? It's not like I have a roaring social life. I don't have anybody, really.
Cuddy
"I think I'm past the point where you can surprise me, House. You were an ass even before the infarction."
God, I was so stupid to think that we could be something more.
House
"Oh, but don't you think I'm much improved now that I have chronic leg pain to spice things up?"
Was I so different then from who I am now?
Cuddy
"Yes, popping pills is so damn sexy. I'm surprised that your liver hasn't given up by now."
You're on the path to self-destruction and you won't let me do a single damned thing to stop it.
House
"I thought you said you were past the point of surprise."
You've already learned to expect the worst of me. Of course nothing I do would surprise you.
Cuddy
"Just like you, House, to pick at nits."
Why do you have to analyze everything?
House
"I thought that's why you hired me. Well, besides the whole chocolate surprise party so many years ago…"
Do you remember Michigan? Do you remember that night? Do you?
Cuddy
"Despite what you may think about yourself, House, not everybody wants to jump your bones. I hired you because you're a good doctor. That's all."
There's no chance that'll ever happen again. You'll never let your guard down that way again.
House
"You kiss everyone you think is a good doctor? That leaves Wilson out in the cold, obviously."
Tell me that kiss meant something to you. Because it was more than just a kiss to me, Cuddy.
Cuddy
"I knew that was a mistake. You're going to rub that in my face now, aren't you?"
Now you're going to use that to mock me. It was just another conquest for you, wasn't it?
House
"Maybe not your face. I can think of better places for it."
A mistake? It was a mistake?
Cuddy
"…is there anything that you can't make a lewd comment about?"
Great. Sex jokes.
House
"Doubt it."
You really think it was a mistake, Cuddy?
Cuddy
"Wow. Obviously it was a good thing you weren't at the Simchat Bat. My family doesn't need to know I hired a pervert."
It's all about sex, isn't it. Sex and puzzles, that's all you need.
House
"Ouch. Words can hurt, you know."
I'm only a pervert around you, Cuddy. You drive me nuts, I swear.
Cuddy
"You would know, what with that razor-sharp wit of yours."
God, just stop with the sarcasm already. I know there's something human underneath those crude jokes.
House
"I hone it just for you, my dear Cuddy."
It's easier to hide behind sarcasm than to tell the truth. Because the truth is just plain pathetic.
Cuddy
"Well, Sherlock, maybe the world would appreciate if you'd lay off it a bit."
Someday I'm going to give up. Why do I put myself out in the firing line like this?
House
"…"
Great. Now I've driven her away, just like everyone else in my life. Wonderful.
Cuddy
"…what?"
You've got that look on your face, House.
House
"You know that using the word 'lay' conjures up all sort of naughty images, right?"
It doesn't have to be about sex, Cuddy. I mean, it would be nice to just lay with you side by side. Christ, does that sound stupid or what? What am I, fifteen years old?
Cuddy
"God,House."
Obviously, I shouldn't have asked. Again: puzzles and sex. That's all.
House
"Hey—at least I have a good excuse."
We had something once. Is that something lost now?
Cuddy
"Leg pain does not excuse you for being an antisocial jerk!"
Michigan's past, House. You've changed. I've changed.
House
"No, but they might be connected. It's funny how you and Cameron think alike, you know. Although I have to say that I think she appreciates my brooding melancholy more than you do."
Is the way I am now really so repellent?
Cuddy
"I think Cameron's over you, House."
What the hell does Cameron want?
House
"Yeah, she goes for the wombat stubble now. I guess that means I'm free."
I mean, if you want to. Not that you will.
Cuddy
"Nice try, but no. You were a jerk before the infarction, and the pain's only made you even worse."
And lend you more opportunities to mock me? There's no way this is a serious offer.
House
"Wait. So the pain is responsible for me being an ass now? I think you're going in circles now."
I know I'm an ass, Cuddy. But it's more than just the leg pain.
Cuddy
"Whatever, House. Twist it any way you like. I've got work to do."
There's no winning with you, House. And I can't risk losing.
House
"…Hey."
Wait. Cuddy, just wait. Don't go.
Cuddy
"What?"
Could that be actual distress in your voice? What is it, House?
House
"…"
What if...what if it were different? What do I have to do, Cuddy? Help me. Can you hear me asking you for help?
Cuddy
"Yes, House?"
Please. Let me in.
House
"…you do have a nice ass, Cuddy."
I can't say it. God, I'm pathetic.
Cuddy
"God…"
And once again. This is pointless.
House
"…"
Something's got to change.