Black Rose Dying
Warning: This is a slash fic, so if you don't like guy on guy stuff please exit this page now. Also major character death.
An alternate ending to what happened that fateful night. Mainly Thomas/Jimmy. This fic includes self harm, and death. Also a little bit of Thomas/Daisy. Please read and review
Credits: I do not own Downton Abbey (unfortunately) and the title is the name of a song by blessthefall.
"Get out! Get out, get out, get out!" Jimmy screamed at him, his face red with anger. "I hate you! You're disgusting! Go back to Hell you filthy, filthy beast! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!" He thought Jimmy had loved him back; but no. He should never have listened to Miss O'Brien. Thomas hurried down the hall and back to his own room, slamming the door shut behind him. He threw himself against the wall and the tears came rushing out.
He opened his mouth to wail but no sound would come out. He held his knees tightly to his chest, "what have I done? Oh dear god what have I done?!" He slammed his clenched fists against the floor, his face now wet with tears. "He doesn't love me, he doesn't love me," he whispered to himself. "Why aren't I good enough for him? What have I done, what have I done? What's not good enough about me?" He silently got up, but did not wipe the tears from his eyes. He slowly walked over to his dresser drawer, and hidden under an old jumper, laid a cold, shimmering, razor.
He picked up the destructive piece of metal in his hand and rolled up his sleeves. 'Once, just once,' he thought to himself. His wrists were clean of scars, just pale, clean, clear, flesh. Thomas slowly brought the razor to his skin, and dragged it ever so slightly, then pulled away; leaving a short, shallow mark on his wrist. He bit the inside of his cheek and winced, but that didn't stop him from bringing the razor back down again and again, and again. Blood oozed from each one of the cuts, but none of them were deep enough to kill. As he went to make one last cut, his door swing open, stood in the doorway.
"Thomas are you al-" she was cut off by her own shock, and let out a little scream at the sight of Thomas's wounds. He quickly tried to reach for his sleeve to pull it down, only then realizing that he had been wearing a short sleeve shirt and that he had no way to cover up his shame. Mrs. Hues rushed over to him, and the tears started to flow again, running heavily down his cheeks. took Thomas's arm in her hands and look up at him with gentle eyes and sympathy. His left arm was now littered with cuts, leading from his wrist all the way up to his elbow. counted silently in her head; 27. 27 cuts now lined his arms and he cried with guilt. "Shhhh," she tried to soothe him; "I'll be right back," she hurried down the hall and into her own room, frantically searching for some astringent and bandages. She was clean out, she would have to go to . As much as she feared he would be upset at her, and furious at Thomas, she couldn't risk the chance that Thomas might still be slicing away as she was looking. She knocked loudly on his front door, " ?" didn't seem angry yet, she hadn't woken him up; he had never fallen asleep in the first place. "I need some bandages," have her a puzzling look and furred his eyebrows together. "What for?" 's eyes dropped to the floor, "For Thomas," her voice was soft but the questioning look still hadn't left the butler's face. "What's he done now?" He asked. "I'm afraid I can't really explain, just that he's bleeding rather badly." His face softened, "alright, I'll get some bandages, just try to keep him stable ." "Yes, thank you ." She practically ran back to Thomas's room, and tears welled up in her eyes as she saw Thomas adding more cuts to the ever growing number now on his right arm. He looked up at her through the tears and dropped the blood coated razor to the floor. " 's getting some medical equipment right now, just, please try to stay still." She look a hand of his in her own two. He tried to object to letting see him like this, but he couldn't manage to choke it out between the sobs. "My god," stood shocked in the door way, unable to take his eyes off the bleeding cuts along Thomas's forearms.
quickly shut the door behind him and took the bottle of disinfectant in her hands. She poured some over the cuts and Thomas winced at the stinging sensation. 42. 42 cuts in total lined Thomas's arms. "Bandages, please," she held out her hand for to give them to her but he didn't; unable to register what was going on. So ended up having to pry the role of tan bandages from the butlers hand before she was able to properly wrap Thomas's wounds. She worked fast and had both of his arms wrapped up in less than a minute. "Thank you," Thomas whispered, most of his tears had dried. turned to , "I think it best if you could leave us now. Thank you so much ." The butler left without a word and sat down on the bed next to Thomas. "Why?" She asked. Thomas sniffed, and then began to speaks "Because of Jimmy," she was a little shocked, but didn't voice it. "I," he tried to get out, "I kissed him." engulfed Thomas in a hug, "oh my dear, my dear," "And Alfred walked in and Jimmy screamed at me. Told me that he hated me." Thomas sniffed again and the last few tears his eyes had left slowly fell out and down onto his cheeks. "You better get some sleep now, I'll talk to both you and in the morning. She picked up the bloody razor from the floor, "take care of yourself Thomas, please." As she was about to head out the door, " ," Thomas said, "thank you." She smiled gently back at him, and closed the door.
Daisy walked quietly down the hall, she had awoken for a reason she couldn't explain and had thought it best to get a glass of water. But before she made it down the hall, she noticed that the door leading to the men's quarters had been left ajar. That way was the quicker way anyway, she thought. No one would notice. As she stepped slowly down the hall she entangled the end of her hair through her fingers, tugging at the end of her braid. But as she passed 's room, she heard a faint sob, it was muffled, but still loud enough for her to hear. She slowly knocked on the door, expecting no reply; and had thought that she must've just heard something outside. But to her surprise, the door opened; revealing a very somber looking Thomas. " ?" Daisy tried to look into the under-butlers eyes, but he kept them cemented to the floor, water still leaked from them. "Is everything alright?" She continued. Thomas brought his arm to his face and wiped his eyes, "No, nothing's 'alright'." Daisy gave a little frown, "I know that this is highly inappropriate, but, may I come in?" Thomas didn't verbally reply, just shook his head 'yes' and guided Daisy to a chair. " -" she tried to begin; but he cut her off, "Thomas. I'd like to be called Thomas, please." He took a seat on his bed as to face Daisy. "Thomas," she began again, "what's the matter, why're you crying?" Thomas couldn't keep the tears in. All the years he spent holding them back, heart break after heart break; and tough times, and the war. Everything that had been pent up inside began spilling out, like a raging river. Thomas didn't outright tell her, all he did was unwrap his bandages and showed her what he'd done. She gasped in horror, or maybe on shock, but she didn't judge. She was a kind hearted lass, and held Thomas's hand while he cried. "Did, did you do this? To yourself?" She asked, her voice as shaky as leaves in the fall. "Yes," he managed to choke out between the tears. "Who made you do this, Thomas?" It took a few moments, but he was able to conjure up the courage to tell her, "Jimmy, he hates me" he spoke; his voice quiet as mouse.
"Oh Thomas," She squeezed his hands tighter, "Daisy," she looked up at him, and finally was able to peer into his eyes. Try seemed as deep as the ocean and full of more sorrow than a grieving widows'. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I hadn't been very kind to you in the past. But tonight, you've helped me feel a great deal better." Daisy let a small smile dance upon her lips, but it faded away soon as she began to re-wrap Thomas's bandages for him. "Don't worry about Jimmy; I'll take care of him." Daisy gave Thomas a wink and caressed his wounded hand with her tiny thumb. "Thank you, Daisy," and with that, she turned to leave. There he was, Thomas Barrow; all alone again. Sympathy had not been something Thomas had ever experienced before tonight. But never the less, he cried himself to sleep.
Thomas had always hated mornings, and this one he would most certainly not be one that he even remotely was looking forward to. He had barely just woken up when both , and came barging to his room. "Thomas, I have informed his Lordship-" Thomas's eyes grew wide with fear; he'd be sent to an asylum! "You told his Lordship!" Thomas's voice was strained, hoarse from sobbing and his eyes were puffy from the tears. "I have informed his Lordship that you have been injured and nothing more. You'll need a few days to get your head right again. I do not have the slightest clue as to what was going on in your head last night and frankly, I do not really want to know. Although continues to deny that she had any knowledge as to why you acted upon yourself in such a way, I will expect to hear the reason behind these actions from you." " !" shot the butler a mean look, "How could you possibly expect Thomas to feel comfortable telling you why!? And when he's in such a fragile state, show the poor boy some kindness!" Inwardly Thomas was thanking from the bottom of his heart, but on the outside he just continued to fiddle with his bed sheet. "Thomas, you'll be staying here for the next few days and you will not have to attend to any of your duties." "But ," Thomas interjected, "Why let me take a few days off? I'm perfectly capable to work!" let out a tired sigh, "You'll barely be able to lift a book! You won't be doing anything until you're healed and feeling in the right mind again, and that's final." Well, there was no fighting with . The pair exited the room soon after, leaving a very unstable, and heart broken Thomas, alone.
Breakfast was incredibly awkward; the tension resonated with every member of the staff, even those who're unaware of the incidents of last night. Ivy was the first one to speak up, "How'd you sleep last night Daisy?" She asked the previous kitchen maid. "I slept okay. How about you Jimmy, did you sleep okay?" Her throat felt as if she was a dragon and was ready to spit fire. Jimmy looked up from his plate, "Fine, I guess." He replied. It made Daisy's blood boil, how could he act so slick about the whole ordeal? Although he couldn't have known about what Thomas had done after he had left the footman's room, he had some how, the way unknown to Daisy, caused Thomas to want to end his life. "Nothing weird happened?" She continued to pry, "didn't break someone's heart?" Her voice got anger and anger with each word, her words laced with venom. "Now Daisy," warned, "No, nothing happened!" Jimmy's voice had risen as well, but still did not match the magnitude of Daisy's. "Are you sure? Then why did I find crying, and BLEEDING over YOU!" Her words cut like a serrated knife and others gasp at the news that was spilling from the young girls' mouth. Daisy walked to the other side of the table to face the footman. "I hope you're happy Jimmy Kent. You've ruined his life and yet all you do is prancing around like a queen!" Daisy inched closer and closer, "He attacked me!" Jimmy screamed back. 's jaw dropped, and so did many others. "Well I hope you feel all high and mighty for breaking that mans heart. Thomas wanted to take his own life last night because of you! I hope you're FUCKING happy Jimmy, really FUCKING happy!"
And with that Daisy stormed off, tears welling up in her eyes, and she rushed to Thomas's room. As soon as she opened the door she let out a blood curdling scream, the others rushed up to the under-butlers room only to find Daisy at her knees, crying on the floor. And there in front of her, from a pipe, hung the body, of Thomas Barrow.
eyes were full of tears as Daisy handed her an envelope. tucked it away in her pocket and accompanied Anna to inform Lord Grantham. The rest of the staff left the room, save Daisy and who's pulled Jimmy back in. had managed to get Thomas's lifeless body down from the pipe and had laid him carefully on his bed. Blood had stained through his shirt from his ribs, cuts lined those too, and a shard of broken glass lay at the foot of his bed. Daisy pushed Thomas's hair out of his face, and cupped his cheek in her hand. Tears dripped down onto his pale cheeks.
"Look!" She stood up and faced Jimmy, "look what you've done!" She screamed at him. "He's dead, Jimmy! He's DEAD! And all because of you!" Daisy slapped the silent man straight across the face and gasped. Daisy then returned to Thomas's bedside and knelt by him, taking his hand within hers. Blood was caked under his finger nails and sat down next to the crying girl, rubbing her back to try to comfort her. "He left a note for you," Daisy turned to look at , "He left one for most of us, and one for you too Jimmy," the footman had day down on the floor, back against the wall and was shaking feverishly. hands the folded piece of paper to the footman, but he didn't reach out to receive it. "I'm sorry , but I can't read it." Her face softened and her hand left Daisy's back. "I'll read it to you then,
Dear Jimmy,
I know you hate me and that you never wanted to see me again, so here you go. I loved you Jimmy. I loved you so much that my heart ached when I wasn't around you. I would've done anything for you Jimmy, and I thought that you loved me back, but I was wrong; and I never should've listened to Miss.O'Brien. Now you're rid of me and you can live your life without me interfering. No one really liked me anyway, save one or two people. But the rest, like you, hated me and wanted me gone. I was only ever mean to people because I felt powerless, weak, I had to keep them away. But I didn't feel that way about you. You made me feel comfortable with
myself again, I was able to laugh and smile without thinking it over first. I hope your life is full Jimmy.
With Love,
Thomas Barrow"
Tears began streaming down Jimmy face and not a moment later did his Lordship, , and Anna, came rushing into the room. Lord Grantham raised a hand to cover his mouth, than removed and only said, "My god." led Jimmy to his office and then called for the people from the morgue to remove his body. As they tried to pull Daisy away, she screamed. "No! No! No! Don't take me away, no! Please! Let me stay with him, please! Thomas! Thomas! No! She struggled and finally broke out I the strangers grasp and clung to Thomas's body tightly, gripping her fingers into the soft fabric of his red stained shirt. "Give the girl a moment!" commanded. And so, the funeral house workers, and all left, leaving Daisy alone with Thomas's corpse.
"Oh Thomas," she said. "I loved you so much. So so so so much. I loved the way you carried yourself, I loved your smile, and I loved your sly jokes. I loved the way you did your hair, how could blow smoke rings through the air. I loved when you had asked me to the fair and how lovely you had even to me even when you hadn't been too kind to the rest. Rest in peace Thomas, rest in peace." Daisy kissed his forehead, wiped the tears from her eyes and straightened out her apron. When she opened the door back up the men from the funeral home came in and carried Thomas's body out. Daisy tried to reach for him one last time but before she could extend her arm and further handed her the letter that Thomas had left for her. tried to guide Daisy back to her to her own room, but she refused. She wanted to stay in Thomas's. let her be, and retreated to her own room to read her own letter. She's hand the rest out later, and maybe some tomorrow.
Daisy sat on Thomas's bed, not caring that some of his blood was soaking into her clothes.
Dear Daisy,
You're one of the sweetest girls that I've ever met. I knew that I hadn't been very kind to you, and I'm sorry. I wasn't very kind to William either. I know you didn't love him as much as he loved you, but to see the look in his eye when he talked of you was truly wonderful. I'm sure you'll do just fine. Maybe you'll even become head cook one day. The soufflés that you were always very, very good. You're a sweet girl Daisy you had always been so sincerely kind, especially to me, when I didn't deserve it in the first place. I don't know if there's a heaven or a hell, but if there is I'm sure I'd go to hell. But if I go to heaven, please take comfort in the fact that if that really does happen, I'll make sure to say hello to William and keep him company. I wish you the best, I really do.
Sincerely,
Thomas Barrow
sat in her chair, her mind at war as to if she should open the letter left to her from Thomas or not. Carefully she unfolded the piece of paper, and took a deep, and much needed breath before beginning.
Dear ,
Thank you for everything you've ever done for me. You had always been one o the kindest people to me and I can tell you, not many people have been. You had always been so mother-like to me and I hadn't the chance to thank you as you deserve. Please, there is a letter to the staff, and one to the family, please will you read them to both parties. It may not have been appropriate for me to have written to the family, but by the time you've even opened this I'll be dead already. Please keep an eye on Jimmy for me, don't let him go crazy with guilt. I just, I couldn't stand living anymore. With so many people always being angry at me, having to watch over my shoulder for the police, and falling in love with someone who very obviously doesn't love me back. I did live Jimmy , I really did. And please watch over Daisy too; she had always been ever so kind. Please tell Jimmy I love him with all my heart and soul. Thank you , I can't thank you enough.
Sincerely,
Thomas Barrow
Once Thomas's body had been brought to the morgue, Lord Grantham and gathered the family in the living room and phoned up the Crawleys. More death in the house, and of an under-butler who had provided ten years of service. Lord Grantham decided to wait until Matthew and Isobel joined them before the telling the family the news of Thomas's death. Just before he began to speak, rushed upstairs, letter in hand. "Lord Grantham, you may or may not want to read this; but Thomas left a note for the family." Everyone appeared a little stunned with no one knowing the news yet. then hurried back downstairs, and tried to calm the staff down.
"Papa, what had happened to Thomas? Is he leaving?" Edith asked. Lord Grantham quickly looked down at the letter in his hands, then around at his family, "Thomas is dead." Mary gasped and clutched Matthews hand while Cora took Edith in her arms. Isobel and Violet exchanged glances and Robert opened the letter. " has filled me in on the details, but for your sakes, I'll make things as easy to understand as possible. Thomas had a sort of run in with Jimmy last night. Apparently Thomas had some feelings towards Jimmy that he did not feel back." Robert gulped before he continued, had told him right after they had removed Thomas's body, and before she had read her letter. "Afterwards he then purposefully injured himself. According to he had cut both of his wrist multiple times, with enough cuts that the filled his arms from the bottom of his hands, to his elbows. She and cleaned and bandages him up, none of the cuts were very deep." He ha to take another deep breath and so did many of the others. Tom was wincing at the words as Robert spoke them and Matthew; he looked like he was almost on the verge of tears. "He was found hanging from his neck, the noose tied around a pipe I his ceiling. Daisy was the one who found him." Robert then lifted the note, "he left a note for all of us,
Dear Lord and Lady Grantham, Mrs and Mr Crawley, The Dowager Countess, Lady Mary, Lady Edith, and Tom,
You have all been very kind to me, letting me work here. Please understand that I did what I had to do, and did not do so to purposefully cause grief to anyone of you.
Dear Tom,
I didn't know you very well, but you had always been a very nice chap. I'm very sorry that I'm no addressing you as , but since I'll be dead by the time that you read this, I figured it doesn't matter. Take care, both you and baby Sybil.
Dear Lord and Lady Grantham,
Thank you for letting me work in your house, you were both incredibly pleasant. I wish you well.
Dear the Dowager Countess,
You probably don't even remember me, but I served as first footman along with William Mason. I wish you well.
Dear ,
You've always been very kin hearted and I very much enjoyed working with you in the hospital. I wish you the best.
Dear ,
We served together in the trenches, and I'll never forget that. You're very much like your mother, and you and Lady Mary make a very handsome couple. Best of luck.
Dear Lady Mary,
I don't think you'll remember me very much either, although probably most of you won't anyway. But if you do, please know that I wish both you, and the very best.
Dear Lady Edith,
You're very nice, and your writing is very good; I've seen your column. Do please try to take care of yourself.
Thank you all once again.
Sincerely,
Thomas Barrow"
Robert breathed in deeply, the letter shook in his hands and some members of the family has tears in their eyes.
and finally managed to gather the downstairs staff in the dining hall. Everyone was there, including Jimmy. "As you all know, Thomas is dea-" suddenly sat down, and everyone else followed. placed a protective had on the butlers back, "Thomas is dead," she said, removing her hand from 's back. "He left a note for me, and asked me to share another note with all of you. Please try to listen; most of you didn't know very well, but you all owe it to him to listen to his letter." took a feel breath, and then began to read.
"Dear All,
Please do not feel grief or guilt once you find my body. I just couldn't take it anymore. Please take care, all of you.
Dear ,
Thank you for what you've done for me. You run Downton incredibly well and you'll have no problem running it without me there. Please keep an eye on Jimmy for me." paused and Jimmy snapped his head up at his name.
"Dear ,
I've written you your own letter, but you're one of the only people who've been truly kind to me.
Dear Jimmy,
I've written you your own letter too, and even if you don't read it, that's alright. My heart's already broken. I'm not going to embarrass you in what I'm going to write. So I'll just say this; I wish you the absolute best and I hope that you an find love on your own time. But even though you hate me, I love you.
Dear Daisy,
I've written you your own letter too, hopefully you'll read it. Don't let anyone push you around; I wish you the best of luck darling.
Dear Alfred,
I'm sorry that you had to see what you saw last night. And I'm sorry that I haven't been to kind to you. You have lots of potential, l know you do.
Dear Anna and ,
I've never seen two people so rightly matched, good luck.
Goodbye everyone, I'm sorry.
Sincerely, Thomas Barrow"
Daisy's eyes were full of tears and as soon as was done speaking Jimmy hurriedly left the room.
Thomas Barrow was buried early the following Wednesday, in the once empty plot next to his fellow solider, and footman, William Mason. Everyone attended, even Jimmy. , Daisy, Edith, Anna, , and Tom all shed tears during the funeral. And Daisy could've sworn she saw a tear or two slip out of 's eyes. Jimmy though was dry eyed, unable to fully comprehend the idea that it was his fault that Thomas was dead. Ivy held his hand during the funeral, but he didn't even notice. All he could concentrate on was the coffin. Where Thomas's body would remain shut inside for all eternity, and that Jimmy himself was the one who'd put him there. Everyone tried to console him, he'd yet to utter a word in the past few days. Daisy began to sob as they lowered Thomas's coffin into the ground and surprisingly, it was Lady Edith who held the young girl tightly in her arms. Lady Mary was silent, and so was most of the family. Robert said a few words, and so did and Tom. After the funeral the family went to the Crawley house; they'd been eating their meals there as to let those of downstairs properly grieve.
The light was blinding, brighter than the sun, but did not burn. The air felt slightly warm, like a mid August night and the scent of lavender and honey filled his nose. He slowly took a step forward, the light was now gone. There was no fire, there were no demons, there was no devil. The grass beneath his feet were green and tiny white flowers were blossoming on what appeared to be apple trees. He then felt a light tap on his holder and turned around. A familiar face met him, and with bright eyes said, "Hello Thomas," the under-butler grinned; "Hello William."