We don't own Hetalia. Dammit. But OCTOPRUSS IS OURS!

WARNINGS: Rated for language and sexual themes (snort)/ If you like grammar, turn back now./ Extreme crack/ RussiaxPrussia fans should turn back now. There is much comical bashing./ Mentions of FrUK and Spamano/ If you're really dirty, possible hinted OctuprussxPrussia/ Animal and France abuse/ Glowing crotches/ Mention of alcohol and pants-churros/ Extreme paradoxs/ vanishing Brits/ Chance of brain damage

Welcome, welcome, welcome to another of my crack fics! Whooooo! This is another colab with my good dear buddy AWESOME. Yes, that is now her name. We have written two Hitman Reborn crack fics together and now we've tackled Hetalia, but here's the twist...

WE HAVE A NEW BUDDY! My sister, SexyPants has joined us as well to complete the Bad Touch Trio! Whoot!

Every new paragraph or line, separated by double spacing indicates an author switch. We go in the order of

1) Me

2) AWESOME

3)SexyPants

Together we are the Bad Touch Crack Trio. Britannian Angel, Russia, and our special guess OctoPruss make appearences as well. So enough blabbering. ENJOY MES AMIS!

One day France was wandering through an old abandoned mansion... in the dead of night..

He's being gay, per usual, thought the all-awesome Prussia.

The smell of churros filled the musty old room, "Oh! They re all done!" Spain said loudly, pulling a mini oven from...his pants.

France looked back at his friends and raised a delicate eyebrow at Spain. "Mon Dieu... What else can you fit in there? Oh hon hon hon." He began to stroke his chin as he laughed.

Prussia s awesome face fell, and he curled his lip in disgust. "Please do not mate in front of me kthanks."

Spain looked at France...then at Prussia. "lolwut?" he said, then took out a churro from his toasty pants. "Who wants one? I also have instant coffee... cause I couldn't fit my espresso machine in my pants..haha!"

France was oh so tempted to remark on this, but being the mature adult he was... -Okay, so his nose was bleeding a LITTLE bit. He smirked and then spun around dramatically. "Okay mes amis... Now why exactly are we here again?"

Prussia was one step ahead of France. Sauntering forward like a boss, he raised his beer keg into the air... then flipped the French frog off and put his headphones on.

Spain looked serious...very serious...as he thought about what France just said. "Wait...I missed that..Wut you say?"

France blinked at the other two. "SERIOUSLY! Do I always have to be the smart one here!," he huffed as he started to march off down a long, moonlight hallway. He started to grumble to himself just as a trapdoor opened up under him.

Prussia watched with mild interest as France got his panties in a twist. He then burst out into laugher as he fell, spilling copious amounts of beer everywhere.

"Ah man...the floors all wet now..," Spain said with a frown, not even noticing that France went flailing down a giant-ass hole. The oblivious Spaniard continued to walked forward, munching on his pants-food and stepped directly over the hole...,then started to float.

"That s what sheeee saiiiiiiiiid," France wailed, hearing the Spaniard's comment as he tumbled downward, much to no one s notice. He landed... right on top of Spain... For some strange reason he had fallen for a while before appearing right over top of his friend.

Prussia s mouth went wide in obvious awe, and he immediately thought to himself I can do that. Throwing his i-pod to the side, he bounded forward and leapt over the trap door... only to fall into the dark abyss, cursing his lungs out.

"OOF!" Spain said as the frenchie landed on top of him. "What s goin on, man? Did you just fall outta the uh...ceiling? I m confused." Spain watched as Prussia went falling down the hole...,then burst out laughing.

France was now somehow beside the trapdoor and he stared down and then upward, waiting for his friend to reappear. It was quiet... "Hm...Well I guess I came back only because of my amazing will to live and love. Pauvre Prusse. We will remember him forever," he said with a sniffle, pulling out a hankie to dab his eyes before he turned and started heading off.

Prussia stared up at the little square of light, probably miles away. "Oh, go fuck yerself France." He looked around, rather unimpressed he'd left his i-pod behind. It was then he noticed something moving in the distance. "Heeyy. Maybe it s a hot chick." Brushing off his clothes, he stomped towards the sound, his shoes making squishy noises on the damp floor.

Spain, who was still floating over the hole, stared down into the darkness with giant green eyes. "Did you notice that I am somehow defying gravity?," he called over to France...then continued to look down the hole, "Oh France...your stupid... I can still hear awesomeness down there...our beloved albino is still alive."

"Oh, how neat," France said airily, continuing to walk. "By the way, I have a date with Angleterre soon, so I must be off." Just then, France began to hear rather violent squishy noises.

Prussia was quickly closing in on the sound, his mind full of hopes for hot chicks. Unfortunately, what met him was quite different. "Hey...aren t you that like, thing from that movie West was watching?" He stroked his awesome face for a moment before sparking an idea. "Cool. I ll tame you to be my beast and we ll conquer everything awesome, so like, the world except France." He pulled the creature out from the shadows, but found... it wasn t small. "HEY COOL. SPAIN, I FOUND AN OCTOPUS."

"HOSHIT." Spain said, getting on his knees and trying to see better in the darkness. "Oh yeah...I have a flashlight in my pants." He pulled out this heavy duty flashlight that you would find in Canadian Tire.(what where?)...Anyway,...he pulled it out and shone it down the hole. "That's freaking sweet man...You should name it..OctoPruss...YEAH."

France glanced nervously back at Spain, who was still floating... and then shrugged. His friends could be dummies if they wanted; he had a hot date. He continued walking until he came face to face with... an octopus... and Prussia. QU-WAH! Weren t you...DOWN?

Prussia, holding the head of his awesome OctoPruss, deadpanned at France. "Goddamn, where did you come from?" He grinned widely, displaying the new pet to France while it wildly swished it tentacles "ISN'T THIS THING AWESOME? HEY, LOOK, IT S FRIENDLY. HA, THAT TICKLE OH WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUU-" Prussia slipped onto his back, a tentacle pulling him into the dark abyss FUCK YOU FRANCE, THIS IS YOUR FAUUUuuuu..." He disappeared.

Spain continued to shine his flashlight down the hole... "Now you guys be friendly to each other...remember what happened last time you fought? Yeah..." He then looked over to see France looking like a derp-face and Prussia being dragged off by...what? Oh,...he really DID have an octopus... France...please explain," Spain said, his goofy grin shrinking...just a bit.

It was then that France realised... There had never been a hole at all...

Prussia had no input. He was shrieking like a girl somewhere in the darkness "I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS FRANCE."

"Oh," Spain said, getting off his knees. Turns out he wasn t floating over a hole... It was a black floor. He dusted off his pants and shoved the flashlight, still turned on, down his pants, having a light shine out of his crotch. "Maybe we should...help him..," he said with pursed lips. "Hey...aren t octopuses supposed to y 'know...live in water? Not creepy houses in the middle of- Hey where are we again?"

France stared offended at the darkness. How was this his fault? He sighed and shook his head, looking to Spain. "I thought you knew... Anyway, this is his own fault for playing with an octopus... I suppose, as the valiant friends we are, we should go save him though..." He folded his arms, putting more weight on one of his legs and shifting his hips, a contemplating look on his face. "Oi, Prusse... You still alive mon cheri?," he called into the darkness.

Prussia stumbled out of the darkness with a horrified gaze, grabbing onto France s shirt and staring into the depths of his soul. "It...made me...read...all of your...doujins.. " It was then he collapsed. The OctoPruss came slithering after him, a FrancexUK doujin clasped in all of its tentacles.

Spain stared in horror. NOT. THE. DOUJINS. That poor...poor unfortunate soul. Spain went over and kneeled before his awesome friend...tears forming in his eyes. "It's...all your fault France..," he sobbed, pulling Prussia s head on his lap and stroking his hair.

France was too busy chilling with OctoPruss to notice his friends suffering. "OH HON HON, YOU NAUGHTY THING YOU!," he gushed, his nose in one of the doujins. "How did you GET this one! Oh hey Spain, there's some of you and Romano too," he said, looking over to the brunette before he enjoyed more of the graphic pictures.

Prussia opened his eyes to stare blankly up at Spain. "Spain? Is that you? I think I see...a light.. Then flung his arms into the air, whacking everything around him. I... I CAN'T FEEL MY HANDS!" He dropped them limply to his side, then beckoned Antonio closer. "If I don t make it...tell...Lovi thanks for last night."

Spain was too busy drooling/nosebleeding to notice Prussia dieing before him. He then looked down to his dieing friend and felt rage... "YOU ASSHAT," He yelled, whacking the dieing man in the face, then pushing him off his lap. "I know you weren't with Lovi because I was...derr..." He got up and took a doujin from OctoPruss and started to nosebleed all over the place.

France sighed in contentment, sitting back in a nearby armchair with a glass of champagne, his dirty manga in his hand. He began to flip through more and more pages, a constant stream of blood now visible as he ignored Prussia completely, sending appreciative glances OctoPruss way every now and again.

"OW! Jeese man, I was kidding. I was at Austria s place last night, cutting every other string inside his piano." He grinned, rubbing his nose, "Henh, I m awesome." He stood proudly, waiting to be basked in glory.

Spain hugged the doujin to his chest, sighing contently. "Heh? What was that over there?" he said, glancing at his friend who was being forever alone.

Suddenly, out of the darkness OctoPruss worst enemy appeared.

Prussia's jaw dropped as out of the darkness emerged the creature of his nightmares, and probably France s fondest dreams. The ever stuffed-shirt Britannian Angel.

Spain wrinkled his nose at the sight. "Ew. What the hell is that thing?" he said, throwing a burnt churro at the eyebrow beast.

France leapt up, his drink spilling onto the floor. "Mon amore. You are here," he said, stepping before him with a determined glint in his eyes. "But I know what you are here to do... And I cannot... let you hurt OctoPruss. Please step down, or else I may have to do something... we will both regret..."

The regal Angel bore his gaze into the French man. He frowned at the nonsense about him, and produced his twinkle stick (a.k.a wand) from...god knows where. Raising it into the air and with a masculine roar, he walloped France upon his head. "WANKAH. THESE ARE MINE."

"Nnnnnnooooooooooooooooooo~" Spain said, sounding all slow motion. He then stepped causally in front of the mighty angel...his extremely serious face quickly being replaced with his usual idiotic grin. "That s not nice man," he said, picking up another doujin and shoving it down his pants to save for later.

France blinked as the room slowly started to come into focus again (for yes, they were now magically in a room, not a hallway). There were doujins scattered on the floor, and all around him... a battlefield. He lifted his head just slightly, reaching out for the closest doujin... and to his horror, he saw that it was... a PrussiaxRussia doujin. "N-NOOOOOOOOOON!," he cried, his heart breaking. "OCTOPRUSS! You have betrayed me!," he cried, leaping to his feet and whipping the doujin at the offensive octopus.

Prussia leapt up from where he had been laughing over his recording of Austria trying to play his rage with only half a piano. Trying to discern France s shrill, girlish voice, he narrowed his eyes... only to bring the horrific image of the doujin into focus. All colour drained from his face, and he lifted an accusing finger towards France. "You...monster...Why do you have that?...I thought...we were friends."

Spain gasped, looking from France to Prussia. He sighed heavily, knowing that it was his time to jump in. He ran all slow motion like in between his two friends and whipped his head toward the ceiling, sweat rolling down his neck. "STOP IT NOOOOOWWWW!" His voice echoed through the doujin infested room, and he rose into the air on a giant swirl of fire. "I thought I would never have to do this..," he said in a shaky voice.

France felt his pants get tighter.

Prussia's eyes sparkled in wonder. "HOLY SHIT MAN, THAT S AWESOME. SHOW ME HOW. HOLY GOTT. OCTOPRUSS, DO YOU SEE THIS? FRANC-Ew, what the fuck? Get a room you disgusting piece of shit." He stared intently at Spain's swirl of fire before his attention was drawn to a... glowing...crotch? Whoa...is that how you do it? He stared intently at his own crotch, his eyes narrowing in concentration. "How do you make it light up?"

Spain's eyes started to glow and he stared at Prussia. "No..," he said in a serious voice. "That's just a flashlight shoved down my pants." The Spaniard stretched out his arms and was suddenly engulfed in flames. He let out a raged scream that did not sound human at all. He then looked down at OctoPruss and narrowed his glowing eyes. "DO I DAZZLE YOU?" he said and...Oh God... His ass started to glow.

"OI!," France yelled from the wall he was leaning against. "Do you mind! I'm trying to work my part-time job here!," he yelled in a pissed tone before he started making really provocative noises into the cell-phone in his hand.

Prussia was completely awed by the flaming man with the glowing ass. "Dude, you BEDAZZLE me. That's just. Man. You probably get all the chicks and little boys that you want. Teach me your ways."

Spain looked over to Prussia and slowly nodded. "Indeed... I do get a lot of little boys... and I need more of my kind on this planet. You'd be perfect..." Spain floated toward Prussia and reached a hand out to Prussia...kinda like Russia would when he wanted to become one with you. "But you do realize...if you become one like me...your ass will never be the same. Are you willing to do this, young one?" Spain's flames started to swirl around the room, accidentally burning some of France's hair.

France was conveniently not even there anymore, but the dummy that he had left in his place burst into flames as the fire touched the convincingly realistic hair. Meanwhile, the real France was heading down the long hall again, going off on his date and little did he know, he now possessed some valuable information... ,information that could be dangerous... in the wrong hands.

Prussia's face instantly fell, and a look of disgust spread across his face. "You'll do WHAT do my ass? I don't think so man; this piece of art stays the way it is. Which is awesome."

Spain glanced at France, who was engulfed in flames, then looked away...not even caring. He then let out a roar, and fire shot out of his mouth. He started to spin around as flames of every color bounced off the walls and hit Spain on every part of his body. Suddenly he stopped spinning.., and he floated there in his super tight sexy bull fighting suit. "Ole.," he mumbled...then collapsed to the ground, everything turning back to normal. Spain got up from the ground and stretched. "Sorry bout that... I just really don t like that pairing... Hey! Look at France!" he giggled, not even noticing the outfit change.

France had been wandering for a little bit when he happened upon... a torture chamber. Oh yeah, they were still in a creepy, abandoned mansion... He backed out nervously and when he turned around... he was still in the torture chamber. "HEH!" He then realized that there had never been a door and he was trapped. "MON DIEUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!," he squealed.

Prussia glanced over to the burning French man and snickered a bit, a little disappointed due to lack of explosion. He pulled out his beer keg and took a swig, completely bored with his new position.

Spain then looked at OctoPruss and frowned. "You were once so great.." he mumbled, then shook his head in disbelief. He picked up the rest of the SpainxRomano doujins and shoved then in his super tight pants...with the still glowing flashlight. For some reason...things could fit in there without bulging out in awkward places. He shone his crotch onto a RussiaxPrussia doujin and coughed fire before turning around and walking back out into the hall.

Suddenly there was a shadow over Prussia. "Kolkolkol," came an eerie voice as Russia materialized out of the darkness, the door that Spain had just exited slamming shut. It was just Prussia, Russia, and OctoPruss now...

Prussia felt a chill run down his back, and he casually glanced behind him. "Oh, hey Russ-OH GOTT." He made a wild dash to hide behind OctoPruss, throwing his half-full beer keg at the Russian. "STAY AWAY."

Spain continued to walk down the hallway dramatically, then turned around as a breeze swept over him. Oh yeah. Dramatic effect ftw. He felt something in the pit of his stomach and fell to his knees. His screams filled the empty hall as he clutched his stomach...
Spain was hungry.
He then heard kolkol s coming from the room he left and gasped. No. Not now. He slowly made his way to the door and tapped on the door. "P-Prussia..?"

An invisible barrier around Russia deflected the keg as he smiled at the cowering Prussian. "What are you doing in my house, da?" Meanwhile France was crying because he was still trapped in the torture chamber. Suddenly though, something caught his eye, almost like a glint... He walked towards a wall... and a spike shot out, narrowly missing his face. He squealed and fell backwards, falling into a mysterious pit.

Prussia was terrified. There were only two things in the world that could reduce him to a screaming, horrified shell of a being. One being a naked France. The other was this man. "Y-Your house? Haha, I thought I was in, uh, another house. Though I should have known, because, uh, obviously nobody has such a-awesome taste in...decorating..."

Spain stuck his ear on the door, desperately trying to hear if anything was happening to his friend. He heard nothing though... because it was an iron door. Spain sighed and stepped backwards, trying to find another way in. Oh wait...Where the hell did France run off to? The Spaniard crossed his arms tightly across his chest, trying to think of something genius when the floor opened up underneath him and he actually fell this time.

"Oh? You really think so?," Russia asked, smiling even bigger. "That's good. Usually I get...different comments about my decorating skills, but I don t see anything wrong with it," he said, gazing fondly around the half destroyed room. "So, are you staying long, da? Oh! Or maybe you would like to be one again?," he said with a laugh. Just then the ceiling opened up and France came soaring in, landing right on top of OctoPruss. Then he realized... he d never really left the room at all.

This was probably the only time Prussia would ever appreciate France.

Spain fell...and fell...and fell...oh god. He realized what he was in...a bottomless pit...maybe. He then realized what he had to do if he wanted to be home to cook dinner for Lovi...he had to-
Before he could use his plan, he noticed he was coming closer and closer to a very familiar room. Hey, haven t I been here before? Spain thought to himself as he got closer to the room. A light bulb then went off in his head...and pants. Oh yeah! He WAS here before! Before he could have a fiesta in his head, he landed directly on top of Russia.

Russia blinked as a body bounced off of his head and then he let out a small giggle. "Oh good. You re all here now, da." France flailed around in a mess of tentacles and squishy limbs, staring in horror at Russia. This was the end wasn't it? They would all die here or become one with Russia. Who would ever save them now...? Russia's aura turned darker as his expression gained more malice. "I hope you realize what this means, da...," he said ominously... It was then that France realized... they had never been in the mansion at all.

It was okay, Prussia was still awesome.

And Spain was still damn sexy with his glowing crotch...that never stopped glowing even after he removed the flashlight.

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