Disclaimer: This is a dirty, dirty comedic Jalex. It shall include jokes, puns (the best kind of joke!), slapstick, and dirty, dirty incestuous sexual innuendo. Due to immature language, it must be rated M. You'd have to be a 13 year old boy to enjoy that kind of stuff. (All boys are 13 on the inside.) Seriously, this is full of puerile, sophomoric, vulgar, irreverent and blasphemous shock-humor and as such should probably not be read by anyone. Consider yourself warned.

Disclaimer #2: The use of copyrighted characters, names, locations etc, in this work are intended as parody.

"OK guys!" Jerry was telling his collected family, excitedly, as they were gathered in the loft. "I've got a great idea for a holiday promotion for the Sub Station!"

Alex and Justin groaned. (Max just looked confused.) "Come on dad, your promotions have been so lame in the past! The 'Ice Berger', the Bacon and Tomato sandwich you called the B 'Noel' T, your 'Frostbite-Sized' miniature sandwiches, the mutton sandwich called 'Seasons Bleatings'..." Alex complained.

"Well this year I have no lame puns," Jerry said.

"It'd be better not to have any puns," Alex replied.

"No no, no puns! Just elf costumes!" Jerry said, beaming. Alex and Justin groaned again. (Max continued looking confused.)

Jerry turned around and began getting packages wrapped up in plastic from a big cardboard box behind him. He looked at the tags on each package and handed it to the appropriate person.

"All right, try these on and come back down," he directed. His kids and wife went upstairs to change into their allotted costumes, and then he went upstairs to try on his own.

After a bit, Justin came down, in his costume. Even he had to admit it was kind of nerdy. It had a green shirt and green shorts, but the shirt was so long it nearly covered the shorts. He also had pointy shoes with bells, and red socks. His hat was also pointy and green, and had a red fluffy ball on top. Around the waist there was a red belt.

Then Alex came down the stairs. Justin tried not to stare, but there was something about her outfit that caught his attention. He couldn't quite put his finger on it (as much as he would certainly have liked to.) It was pretty similar to his, except there were no shorts, and the shirt was ended with triangles cut out of the fabric. It was also tighter, and it had a deep V-neck.

"Ugh, look at this," Alex said, coming down the steps and standing near Justin. "It figures the only time dad would let me wear something this short is when I'd rather not. I mean seriously, it's barely a long shirt! It would never fly in the school dress code... and what's the deal with how tight it is, and this neckline? This is the lowest neckline I've ever worn.... Oh God, do you think this was a 'slutty elf' costume dad ordered by mistake? Justin?"

"Hmm?" Justin said nervously.

"Why are you pulling at your collar and fanning yourself?"

"Oh, um, er, this costume is rather tight, is all."

"Right..."

Max came down in his costume, which was more or less identical to Justin's. He was carrying a yellow book, as well.

"What do you have there?" Justin asked Max, relieved to be given a distraction from, er, other things.

"Oh, just an elf-help book, on improving your elf-esteem."

Alex groaned again. Apparently she wasn't going to get away from lame puns easily. Justin, however, grinned, for which Alex smacked him, and his arm tingled where she touched him, although he didn't quite know why. He was beginning to feel something strange toward his sister, something that he couldn't define - oh, to hell with it. This is a Christmas special, dammit, we don't have time for the characters to reflect on their vile, contemptuous and downright blasphemous emotions for their siblings, so let's skip right to it.

So, Justin's arm tingled because he was in love with his fucking sister. (As opposed to a normal sister, which would be one with whom he did not want to fuck.)

(Fortunately, though unbeknown to Justin, Alex was in love with him too, the adorable dork.)

Then their mother came downstairs wearing her costume, which was a Mrs. Claus outfit even more sheer and revealing than Alex's. It was good for Justin that his attraction to his sister didn't come from a Freudian sort of Oedipus complex, or else that outfit would totally overshadow Alex's in his perverse teenage mind. (Is there any other kind?) So to his credit, he wasn't becoming aroused by his mother, although only by virtue of being aroused by his sister. Now, this is strange because their mother is actually rather hot, looks good not only for her age but for any age, and no one would blame him for at least a passing thought that his mother was attractive. That is how much he was in love with his sister.

Then their father came downstairs wearing his Santa Claus costume. As hot as Theresa looked in her costume, Jerry was much, much less so. His belly jiggled like a bowlful of jelly, and it was a little too small for him so it was extra emphasized.

"Ho ho ho!" Jerry called.

"What'd you call me?" Theresa cried. "Oh wait, right....awkward..."

There was a silence.

"So...." Alex said.

"What exactly do we do, now that we're in the elf costumes?" Justin asked.

"Well, you'll just do your normal Sub Station stuff, with one extra duty. One of you will be standing outside at all times, to attract attention to the shop.

"WHAT?" Alex cried. "Dad, I'll freeze! It's New York at Christmastime and I'm not wearing pants. (Justin gulped.)

"Bah, you'll be fine, you're a tough girl," Jerry said, waving a hand vaguely as he headed downstairs. He was followed by Theresa, Max, and finally Justin. But just as Justin was about to go down the stairs, Alex pulled him back.

"Justin! I don't want to be cold!"

"I'll warm you up, baby," Justin thought about saying. But he didn't because that would be very creepy, not to mention not really his style. Especially that whole "baby" thing at the end.

"OK," he said instead. "And what do you want me to do about it?"

"Well is there some sort of like, self-warming spell?" Alex asked.

"Heh, I'm surprised you're not just going to find a spell that makes the whole city warm."

"Justin, you're brilliant!" Alex cried, hugging him briefly, making Justin's face go flush. She began to run toward the lair.

"Wait, no!" Justin called after her. "That's very dangerous!"

"Aww, what could go wrong?" Alex said, bounding down the steps. She quickly reached the bottom and pulled a tome from a shelf.

"Remember the last time I fucked with Mother Nature?"

"Eww!"

"Wait, dammit! Unfortunate choice of phraseology there."

Alex continued flipping through the book, looking for a weather spell.

"Aha, here's one. The Always Sunny spell!"

"Does it summon Danny Devito?"

"Quiet, wrong copyright infringement. No, it makes the temperature 72 degrees."

"In which system?"

Alex stared blankly at Justin. "Justin, figure it out from the context."

"Hmm, well you want to be warm, so that rules out Kelvin, since nothing could live at 72 Kelvin. Not to mention saying 'degrees Kelvin' is incorrect, although I doubt you'd know that so I didn't rule it out from there. Now I also have to assume that you don't mean Celsius because it would be, well, a bit too warm. I suppose Fahrenheit, then?"

"Have you ever known me to use anything else?"

"Well, once when you were in third grade I tried to convince you to use the Justin system, which used 0 as absolute zero and 1 as the boiling point of water."

"But did I?"

"No, you kicked me in the shins."

Alex cleared her throat and pulled her wand out.

"There once was a girl from New York

Whose brother was such a big dork

She thought it would be funny

To cause it to be sunny

And stab her brother with a fork."

"Limerick magic is often bizarre, I mean, where does that last line even come from?" Justin asked. Suddenly, Alex was holding a fork.