"I don't understand what happened," Cate said, a hint of desperation in her voice.
"You! You happened!" Lux said angrily. "Casey copied my file and spread it around. How'd you even get that anyway?"
Cate sucked in her breath. "Fern, she sent it over."
Lux stalked away from Cate.
"I…I was just trying to help," Cate pleaded, following close behind Lux.
Lux spun around to face Cate. "I don't want your help! I didn't want to go to that school. I didn't want to get unsuspended." Lux shook her head. "And now thanks to you, the whole school knows everything about me and they all think that I'm this gigantic liar!"
"Wait why?" Cate asked. "Lux, why?"
"Because I lied," Lux admitted sheepishly.
"OK Lux, I had no idea that letter was going to get out. I'm sorry, but look, you have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. I…I don't know why you would lie," Cate said, trying desperately to understand her daughter.
"Well, why do you? About dating Ryan. The whole event down there is a lie. Your whole persona," Lux retorted.
"OK, I know that right now this seems like a really big deal, and no, I'm not saying that it isn't, but that letter…that letter was sweet and anyone who reads it would see that," Cate tried again. She flinched as she watched the emotions play across her daughter's face. Everything Cate said seemed to make Lux even more infuriated.
"It's not sweet," Lux argued. "It's sad. While other kids were asking for play stations and Barbie dream houses, I was asking for parents."
"Right, which is understandable because that is what you wanted," Cate said.
Lux stared at Cate. "Right, but no one wanted me. And now the whole school knows that."
Cate swallowed a lump in her throat. She reached for her daughter, wanting nothing more than to comfort the teenager, but Lux jerked away. "Lux…"
"No, don't you understand what I'm saying? Not a single person ever in sixteen years wanted me. Out of all the foster homes. Out of all the parents that stood outside that chain link fence and watched us play, like…like we didn't know what was going on," Lux broke off, fighting back tears.
Once Lux regained her composure, she said, "They picked out kids like we were puppies or cars, but no one ever chose me. Including you. So…so don't tell me that this isn't a big deal or that you understand how I feel because you don't!"
"OK Lux…"
Lux didn't listen. Instead, she took off down the stairs. Cate followed at her heels, pleading with Lux to stop and talk to her.
"OK everyone, time to pull two lucky names out of the hat," Alice announced from the stage set up in Open Bar.
Cate continued to call out to her daughter. "No, Lux, I understand. I do understand!"
"No, you don't! How would you feel if everyone knew your secret? If everyone knew you'd been lying?" Lux cried out in frustration.
"And the winner for a date with Cate is…"
Cate stared in shock as Lux pushed her way onto the stage and grabbed the microphone out of Alice's hands.
"Hey. Hey Portland. How we doing? Having a good time tonight? Crossing your fingers for a date with Cate or Ryan, your two favorite single radio hosts?" Lux shot Cate a dirty look. "Well, actually they're not single. Raise your glass everyone. Congratulations are in order. They're engaged. To each other."
Baze tried to be quiet as he crept into the living room to get a drink.
Lux flipped the lights on.
"Can't sleep either?" Baze asked, sitting down on the couch beside Lux.
"Yeah, no," Lux said.
"You OK? Yeah? No?" Baze asked.
"Maybe just no." Lux sighed sadly. "You saw the look on Cate's face. After I outed her."
"I know. And I know you. I think, you know, in the past when things got rough, you'd take off. That's your MO, right? You bail. But I can't let you hide out because you're mad at Cate," Baze said.
"What am I supposed to do?" Lux asked.
"Well, I guess you gotta work things out with her. You can stay tonight, but first thing in the morning you gotta go." Baze ruffled Lux's hair affectionately before returning to his bedroom.
Lux sat outside the radio station, waiting anxiously for Cate. She didn't think Cate would ever forgive her. The look on Cate's face when Lux outed her was ingrained in Lux's mind. She approached Cate's Toyota Prius when Cate pulled in to the parking lot.
"Hey," Cate said.
"Hey," Lux replied, her voice small.
"Uh, I didn't expect to see you here, but, um, I did want to talk to you. About last night. About what happened," Cate began.
Lux breathed a sigh of relief. She'd been afraid Cate would never speak to her again. She smiled slightly. "Me too."
"Yeah, I was up all night thinking about it. Um, I just don't know how many more times I can say that I'm trying. You know, I can only do what I think is right," Cate said. Her voice was strong. She met Lux's gaze. "I didn't out you on purpose. I didn't Xerox your letter. I didn't stick it on your locker. That wasn't me."
Lux inclined her head slightly.
Tears stung Cate's eyes as she looked at her daughter. "But last night, you grabbed that mic on purpose, and this is my career and Ryan's, and I just don't know if…"
Lux's eyes widened. She looked scared for a moment, but quickly reverted to the angry expression she usually directed at her mother. "You don't know if what? Don't know what, Cate?" Lux demanded, struggling to keep her voice even.
"I can't do this, Lux. I mean, not this way. This isn't working. I don't know what else to say to you that I haven't already said," Cate said. She shook her head sadly.
Lux had been expecting to hear the words. She'd known Cate wouldn't forgive her. She'd known she'd gone too far this time. The foster parents Lux had been with in her life had kicked her out for a lot less. Still, Lux stared at Cate in shock.
Tasha had warned her that her birth mom would kick her out as soon as she did something wrong. They'd both been kicked out of their fair share of foster homes. Lux had argued with Tasha, wanting to believe that this time would be different because Cate wasn't a foster mom. Cate was her mom.
Cate's words hurt more than Lux had even imagined. She felt like Cate was rejecting her all over again. Cate hadn't wanted Lux when she was a baby and she didn't want Lux now.
"Look, I know that you have been through a lot in your life and I have a lot to learn about being with you, but right now I don't know how to do this any better than I'm doing it, and even with all of that you still keep pushing me away. You keep leaving," Cate said, her chocolate eyes boring into Lux's ocean blue eyes. "And it just feels like, ever since you got here, all you've done is leave. And if you don't want to be with me, you know, we can call Fern. We can get Baze approved. We can find you someone else. We will figure it out."
But Baze didn't want Lux either. Lux remembered their conversation last night. Baze had told her she couldn't stay.
And there was no one else, Lux knew. No one had wanted her when she was three. No one would want her now.
"Because…I'm just, I'm not a perfect mom, you know? This is my best and at some point, you know, you're just going to have to take it or leave it. It's up to you," Cate told her daughter.
Lux fought back tears as she watched her mom walk away from her.
Cate hadn't kicked her out, but she hadn't acted like she really wanted Lux to stay. Cate's words echoed in Lux's head, torturing her as she walked to school. I can't do this. This isn't working.
Lux struggled to regain her composure as she walked to school. She couldn't start crying now. Lux knew if she started, she wouldn't be able to stop.
"Look who it is. Foster Freak," Casey said loudly when Lux arrived at school.
Lux tried to ignore Casey and continue walking.
"Bong Girl," Brynn said, her tone mocking as Lux walked by.
Lux quickened her pace. She barely made it to the bathroom before she lost it. Tears streamed down Lux's face. She locked herself in a stall so no one would see her break down.
Lux didn't know how much more she could take. Neither of her parents wanted her. They'd given her away when she was a baby. At least they hadn't known her the first time they gave her away. Now Baze and Cate knew Lux and they still didn't want her. They didn't love her, she knew.
That alone was enough to put Lux over the edge, but dealing with Casey and Brynn on top of everything else was unbearable. She just wanted to get away from everything and everyone.
Lux didn't know how long she'd been crying for. Her eyes were tired and her head was beginning to hurt. She tried for what seemed like the hundredth time to compose herself. Her sobs died down.
When Lux finally emerged from the stall, she took in her reflection and grimaced. Her eyes were red and swollen. Her face was streaked with tears where they'd rolled down her face. She looked awful.
She splashed water onto her face, trying to get rid of the evidence that she'd been crying. It was no use. The water wasn't helping at all. Lux gave up.
She'd cried her eyes out and anyone who looked at her would see that. There was no way Lux was going to class like this.
Lux took a deep breath before opening the door. Her pace was brisk as she headed for the door. She breathed a sigh of relief when she made it without running into anyone, but as soon as she opened the door she saw Casey and Brynn sitting on a bench in the courtyard eating lunch.
Casey immediately spotted Lux and nodded toward her. "What's wrong?" She asked, feigning concern. "Have you been crying because of your pathetic past?"
Lux felt fresh tears prickling her eyes. She stared straight ahead and quickened her pace. As soon as Lux was out of their line of vision, she sank to the ground. She pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms protectively around her. Her body shook as she cried silently.
"I don't know why I even picked her up dinner. I called home fifteen times. She's not answering," Cate said desperately as she and Ryan left an Italian restaurant with take-out.
Ryan's warm eyes met Cate's. "She'll be there Cate," he said confidently.
Cate bit her lip. "And what if she's not?"
"Then I will," Ryan said. "You know, there's one good thing about being outed. This." Ryan kissed Cate softly, wanting nothing more than to comfort her.
Cate opened the front door anxiously and glanced around. There was no sign of Lux. She looked up at Ryan, fear in her eyes.
Cate set the bag of take-out down on the kitchen table. She looked at the attic stairs hopefully. Her heart pounded as she climbed the stairs.
Cate subconsciously held her breath as she stepped into the attic. She exhaled sharply when she saw Lux's empty room.
Cate sank down onto Lux's bed. She curled up in the fetal position, her body shaking as tears streamed down her face.
She'd lost Lux. They had just gotten her back and she was already gone. Cate had barely survived giving Lux up the first time. She didn't think she could stand to lose her daughter all over again.
Lux hadn't wanted her. The teenager had instantly bonded with Baze, but she'd done nothing but push Cate away.
Cate had faced rejection before. Her dad had left her. Baze hadn't wanted anything to do with her after they slept together. But being rejected by her own daughter was the worst feeling in the world.
Ryan heard Cate's sobs. He found her curled up in a ball on Lux's bed, her face streaked with tears. He lay down beside her and took her in his arms. She allowed him to hold her, but her tears didn't subside.
Cate stirred. She sat bolt upright in Lux's bed. Lux's pillow was wet where Cate's head had been. She'd cried herself to sleep.
Cate slipped out of Ryan's arms, careful not to wake him up. She crept downstairs, hoping that Lux had come home. The kitchen looked just as she'd left it. The bag of take-out was still sitting on the table, its contents unopened. The living room was empty. Cate's last shred of hope vanished when she saw her bed was unslept in. Lux wasn't coming back.
The knowledge made Cate feel hollow inside. She didn't have any tears left to cry.
Cate stared at the phone. She must have picked it up a hundred times with the intention of calling Baze's, only to set it down again. She wanted to talk to Lux. She couldn't work up the courage to call her own daughter, though. Deep down she knew Lux didn't want to talk to her. Lux had chosen Baze.
Ryan reached for her hand. His warm eyes met hers. "You don't have to take no for an answer. She's your daughter."
Cate nodded dully. She dialed Baze's number. Ryan squeezed her hand reassuringly.
"Hey Cate. What's up?"
"Hi. I was just calling to talk to Lux," Cate said, her voice abnormally high.
Baze's forehead wrinkled in confusion. "She's not here."
"Where is she?" Cate asked.
Baze frowned. "I don't know. I haven't seen her since yesterday morning."
Cate's eyes widened. "Wait. What? She didn't stay there last night?"
Baze raked a hand through his brown hair. "No. I, uh, told her she couldn't. That she had to work things out with you."
Cate sucked in her breath. "Oh my gosh. I told her I couldn't do this anymore."
"You told our kid you couldn't do this anymore?" Baze said, his tone accusatory.
"Not like this. It's just, she keeps leaving. I told her that if she didn't want to be with me, we could get you approved," Cate explained. She sighed as she realized what they'd done. "And you told her she couldn't stay with you."
"How was I supposed to know you were gonna do that?" Baze said defensively.
"What do we do now?" Cate asked desperately.
"We need to talk to her," Baze replied.
"She's not at Baze's?" Ryan asked, his voice laced with concern, when Cate hung up.
Cate's eyes were filled with tears. She shook her head. "He told her she couldn't stay there. That she had to make things right with me."
"Let me get this straight. He told her she couldn't stay with him and you gave her an ultimatum?" Ryan said, his expression grave.
Cate nodded slowly. Her expression was pained. She felt like she couldn't do anything right when it came to Lux. Between her and Baze, they'd made her feel unwanted. Again.
"Her worst fear was that you guys wouldn't want her," Ryan muttered.