Bonjour all! I have been absent from the world of fanfics for quite some time now, but tonight the Muses bit my butt. So…. This fic is dedicated to Alex; the most Marauders obsessed person I know. Disclaimer: I own nothing but some stinky trainers and a slightly mouldy copy of The Lord of the Rings; go ahead, sue me!
THE MARAUDERS ABC
Remus: A is for Animagi.
Sirius: In others words; us! The most talented, wonderful, smart, brilliant people in the whole world!
Remus: You wish Padfoot.
James: B is for Broomstick. And for Bludger and Beater and –
Peter: Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans! Hands up anyone who thinks James might be just a little obsessive about Quidditch?
James: (shuts up and glares at Peter)
Sirius: C is for Charms, one of the bestest lessons for causing total mayhem. Only last week I managed to turn Snivellus bright green and claim it was a wand malfunction!
James: Yeah, he looked just like a great greasy troll…
Remus: Didn't he catch up with you in the corridor after dinner and hex massive flying bogies all over you?
Sirius: (annoyed) Did you have to tell the whole world?
James: Party pooper Moony!
Remus: D is for Detention. Sirius and James' second home. Unfortunately they often drag me in there with them. (sighs)
James: E is for Evans, Lily Evans.
Peter: James fancies her something rotten!
James: Alas, tis true, but she has yet to fall for my manly charms. (looks all broken hearted)
Sirius: You mean she hates your guts?
James: As if anyone could hate me!
Sirius: So when she told you to screw the giant squid it was a sign of her undying affection then?
James: (wiggles wand and glares threateningly)
Remus: Padfoot, I'd advise you to drop this one before you lose something you'll lament later in life.
Peter: F is for Food, the most amazing thing ever!
Sirius: Shut up Wormtail you prat; F is actually for Filbuster's Fireworks.
Remus: Which I confiscated Sirius' entire supply of after he set ten of them off in detention last week.
Sirius: (resentfully) Yeah, and I got another month worth of scrubbing for it.
James: Bloody good display though!
Peter: Mr Ogg the caretaker wasn't too happy; it took two days for him to get rid of all the stars.
James: (to readers) I happen to know for a fact that Padfoot's got another load stashed in the Room of Requirement anyway. DON'T TELL MOONY!
Peter: G is for Griffindor.
Sirius: Who are going to win the house cup this year. SLYTHERIN STINK!
James: Who have the best Quidditch team ever! Courtesy of me!
Remus: Bighead.
Remus: H is for Hogwarts, one of Europe's most outstanding Magical schools.
Peter: My favourite place in the world.
Sirius and James: (Bellow school song loudly and very out of any tune what so ever) HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS, HOGGY WARTY HOGWARTS…!
Peter: I is for Ice. I don't like it because I always slip over.
Remus: Being far north, Hogwarts gets very cold in winter and so ice is never in short supply.
James: Too bloody cold, my broomstick froze last year!
Sirius: It was good fun putting icicles down Snivellus' underpants though…
James: J is for James Potter, the best Quidditch player Hogwarts has ever seen. (ruffles hair up a bit more)
Remus: Also the most horrendous bighead Hogwarts has ever seen.
Sirius: Too true!
Peter: K is for Kitchens.
Sirius: the bestest place in the world if you're feeling peckish.
Remus: Sirius, you're never just peckish. You'd eat a ton of food at every meal if you had the time!
James: Yeah, you great bottomless pit you!
Sirius: (grins) Guilty as charged.
James: L is for Lily.
Sirius: You can't do that; E was for Lily! L is for –
Remus: Library; where you lot could do with spending more time.
Peter: NOOOOOOO!
All: M is for MARAUDERS!
Remus: And Marauders' Map, a wonderful bit of complex magic which Padfoot and Prongs seem determined to corrupt for their own rule-breaking needs.
Peter: Marauders Rule!
Remus: N is for Notorious; which is a fairly accurate description of James and Sirius.
James: Aww, thanks Moony!
Sirius: Nice to know our hard work is appreciated.
Peter: O is for OWLs, the worst experience of my life.
James: Moony got really grumpy cause he only got an E for Potions.
Sirius: Brainy git!
Sirius: P is for Peeves, often our partner in mayhem!
James: Without good old Peevsie to distract Ogg, some of out finest pranks would have been impossible.
Sirius: Peeves, we salute you!
Peter: Q is for Quills, especially of the sugar variety.
Sirius: Although those Self-Correcting ones are dead useful too.
Remus: Those are against the rules!
James: So?
Sirius: R is for Remus.
James: The secret love of Sirius' life. (sings) Sirius and Remus, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
Sirius: (leaps at James and attempts to tear him apart with his bare hands)
James: Ow!
Peter: (pulls them apart) Don't do that Sirius, you might hurt him.
Sirius: GOOD!
James: (nursing a bloody nose) I don't see why you two won't just admit it, it's SOOO obvious!
Remus: (suspiciously red and guilty looking) That's enough on that for now…
Sirius: S is for Snivellus Snape.
James: The ugliest, greasiest, most evil git on the face of the earth.
Remus: I'm sure he's nice enough underneath…
Sirius and James: YEAH, RIGHT!
Sirius: T is for Troll, otherwise called most of the Slytherin Quidditch team.
James: Hulking great wazzuks, the lot of them.
Remus: (pointedly) T is also for Trouble, which is what you'll be in if that Transfiguration essay isn't done by tomorrow!
Peter: We're nearly at Z now anyway.
Sirius: Since when do you know the alphabet!
Sirius: U is for Unforgivable Curses; surely they aren't unforgivable if it's only Snivellus…? (hopeful look)
James: We'd be doing the world a favour.
Remus: NO!
James and Sirius: Spoilsport!
Remus: V is for Veritaserum.
Sirius: Which is just one of many long words which Moony insists we ought to learn and I just can't be arsed.
Peter: And I just can't remember.
Remus: W is for Werewolf.
Sirius: And we've definitely never seen one of those around here, have we James?
James: Nope. Hey, what do you get if a huge, hairy black dog and a werewolf have kids!
Remus: I told you to drop it!
Peter: X is for Expelliarmus, which James and Sirius use to take Snivellus' wand.
Remus: That has an E on the front! Can't any of you spell!
James: Ah well, sounds like an X anyway.
Sirius: It'll do.
James: Y is for Yo–Yo, isn't it Sirius?
Sirius: Yeah, Ogg confiscated my Screaming Yo-Yo, the git! I won that in a game of Wizard Chess in fourth year.
Remus: You're too young to gamble anyway.
Sirius: (Blows a disgusting raspberry) That's the only response I'll make to that!
Peter: Z is for Zonko's Joke Shop.
Remus: Most of that stuff's just dangerous.
Sirius: Moony doesn't appreciate humour.
James: We do!
A/N: If you appreciate humour then I hope you liked this! Why not drop a review and tell me? Go on, you know you want to!
Pippinwitch