Title: High Inquisitor of Hogwarts' Shady Sex Life
Notes: Squick!fic, originally posted to mctabby's LJ on 10-25-2004.
We all know the story of Dolores Umbridge's reign of terror at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, ultimately culminating in her removal from her position as Headmistress. Most assume that the scandal ends there.
BUT DOES IT?
In an exclusive to the Quibbler, Rita Skeeter reports about the most horrifying legacy that Umbridge may have left behind. Sources report that Umbridge dominated the school not only with physical and psychological harm, but also with her INSATIABLE SEXUAL APPETITES!
Even before she was appointed Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, Umbridge had a disturbing reputation among her chums at the Ministry. Percy Weasley, former aide to recently disgraced Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge, recalls how Umbridge exploited her position for sexual favors.
"She told me it was a Ministry tradition, the only way to get ahead! Father thought I got my position because Minister Fudge wanted to spy on Dumbledore, but it was obviously due to Umbridge's predilection for redheads. I must admit though, looking back, I'm not sure it was worth it. Do you know how much cardigan can chafe?"
When Umbridge arrived at Hogwarts, she saw no reason to curtail her activities. The school janitor was one of the first people to succumb to her charms.
"I don't see why everyone hated her so much," Squib Argus Filch opined. "She liked cats a lot -- didn't even mind when Mrs. Norris jumped in. Not to mention her ideas about disciplining the children. What a pity I'll never be able to use those shackles on anyone else."
Games director Iolana Hooch had heard enough to know to avoid Umbridge.
"I run in some pretty rough circles," the manly older woman told this reporter. "But we don't even touch the kind of stuff that Umbridge is into. I mean, kittens?" Hooch remained silent, however, about any personal involvement with the former High Inquisitor.
Even more surprising, Umbridge's well-known distaste for halfbreeds apparently did not extend to her personal life. Half-giant Rubeus Hagrid was officially fired for gross incompetence as professor of Care of Magical Creatures.
BUT WAS HE?
In a stunning interview, this halfbreed reveals that the real reason he was fired was for being unable to satisfy Umbridge's base desires.
"It wasn' surprisin' that she wanted me so bad -- the woman had a minge yeh could fly a carpet through. In the end, though, I couldn' keep up with her. I guess that was when she decided ter throw me off the grounds."
As if these facts weren't disturbing enough, The Quibbler has received information that Umbridge crossed the final frontier, forcing herself onto her own students! One anonymous student going into his sixth year reports the humiliations he had to undergo.
"Before she came, I never knew what people meant by 'work on your knees'. And if that wasn't bad enough, she'd always moan about bloody Potter every time she came. Is everyone obsessed with that wanker? Anyway, I owled father about it repeatedly, but he just told me to think of England. He also gave me pointers on tongue technique."
Another student remembers the lengths to which she went to avoid Umbridge.
"I even endured a horrible curse to disfigure my face in hopes that she would leave me alone!" the girl wailed. "I had horrible pimples all over my face for months. But that only seemed to turn her on more!"
This reporter would have liked to interview Umbridge herself to see how she reacted to these accusations. Unfortunately, on the very day the interview was to take place, Umbridge disappeared from her room at St. Mungo's. The only clue to her whereabouts is the note she left on her pillow, written, puzzlingly, in her own blood.
"Have returned to the only ones who can truly satisfy me: the centaurs of the Forbidden Forest."
While Ministry Law Enforcement puzzles over this cryptic message, please keep a lookout for Dolores Umbridge. No man, woman, child, animal, or small tree is safe from her insatiable lusts.