Jumping the Shark

by dave-d

A story about things done before, things overdone before, and things never done before. A story about… well… jumping the shark.

A story about things done before, things overdone before, and things never done before. A story about… well… jumping the shark.

It's a piece to honor Full Metal Panic! in all of its form and to pay homage to FanFiction writers and readers of all stripes. It's a way of glorify the past days of FMP FanFiction when stories were plentiful… to mourn the current state of affairs where FMP stories are hard to come by… and to raise the question 'What might the future bring?'

It's an exercise in nostalgia, and a reflection on an ages old truth: you can never really go back. How man people have some place, activity, food or other thing that they really loved when they were young, and return to it many years down the road, only to find that the thing no longer seems or feels the same? Sometimes the place changes… sometimes the person changes… sometimes they both change.

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Fair warning:

This story is very long, quite convoluted, and slightly self-congratulatory. Well, and maybe a be self-denigrating, too. Any reader who is not the otaku to beat all otakus might get lost in the bountiful crop of characters from the FMP universe. But, there is always Google.

And… if things seem too unwieldy… read just one subdivision at a time… they're almost like chapters, after all.

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The sun was shining.

On a particularly calm stretch of ocean, there was a ring made up of round yellow ball-like floats, suspending a net draped deep beneath them that surrounded a cruising shark, only the dorsal fin visible as it sliced through the water.

The scene switches to an older model power boat speeding along, driven by a freckle-faced red head in a dated polo shirt, his glances frequently going out past the rear of the craft. There, holding on to a T-bar at then end of a taut rope, a sharp-faced man dressed in a leather jacket and short blue shorts perched on a sturdy pair of water skis.

Bored looking TV extras dressed in overly prudish swimwear watched the staged happenings, doing their best to seem immersed in the spectacle. The camera stays too long on the Fonz, Happy Day's resident cool guy.

"He's still going to do it," a cute gal calls out, as if the Fonz was going to tug on Superman's cape or steal Melissa Mao's beer. The scene clumsily cuts to a circling Bull Shark, then cuts back. The boat speeds towards a jump ramp so high, that at good speed, even the most inept skier could jump a good dozen or three feet beyond the shark enclosure.

"Here we go Fonzie, I'm heading for the ramp, are you sure you want to do it," freckle-faced Richie Cunningham says, as if the skier might somehow hear his words. The Fonz gives a thumbs up. Dramatic music lets the viewer know that something is about to happen. A girl calls out in a high-pitched voice "He's really going to do it!"

The TDD-1s rec-room television shows yet another cut scene. The camera had focused back to the waiting shark. But… strangely enough… as if the audience wouldn't catch on or wouldn't really care… it's a different shark swimming above a different coral reef… a Mako shark. Not a large surprise, really, seeing what TV show budgets were in the 70s. Any shark footage would do.

The Fonz hits the ramp and goes airborne. Skis akimbo, he makes it past the shark enclosure with less than ten feet to spare. In the crowd, guys hug guys by mistake and then hug girls. When the conquering hero makes it to beach, a large throng of onlookers run screaming to congratulate him.

"What on earth made you start watching Happy Days, Sousuke." Kaname walked into the room, wearing a button-down blue blouse and cut-off jean shorts. She recognized the show, having watched it any number of times while she lived in the States. "It's really not your type of show."

"I'm not certain why, Kaname." Sousuke pointed the TV controller at the television like a pistol, and then shut the device off. He wore his usual uniform, boots shined to a slick sheen. "It is, as you surmise, a production I have little in common with." He stood up and shrugged. "If I was going to jump a shark in my A.S., there would be no challenge whatsoever. And if I fell in without a vehicle, there would be no problem. I have killed sharks with nothing more than a combat knife, for food and in self-defense."

"Of course you have," Kaname said sweetly, walking over to give her boyfriend a peck on the cheek. "But a knife?" She chuckled. "I would have expected that you blew the sharks up, with a grenade or a small block of C4. Maybe even a man-portable rocket, if you had one handy."

"That would be unwise," Sousuke said, frowning. He hated to be limited in his choice of weapons. "There are organizations more fearful than Amalgam…."

"Huh?" Kaname wiped lipstick off of Sousuke's cheek. "Which-" She looked a little wary. Whoever they might be, she hoped that a future adversary of Mithril would not have ex-Whispered on their target list.

"PETA," Souuke said, crossing himself, even though he was inclined more towards Islam, not Christianity. "People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. The largest animal rights group in the world. Its slogan is 'Animals are not ours to eat, wear, experiment on, use for entertainment, or abuse in any other way'." He added "I am pretty certain that Ingrid Newkirk and her underlings would consider detonation to be a form of abuse."

"You think," Kaname said with a quick laugh. She couldn't help but hug Sousuke. He had looked so adorable when he said that.

"Hey! Sousuke!" It was the lanky Kurz Weber, striding into the room. His hair was done perfect, and his uniform was well-creased. "I heard a scary name, walking in. Have you done something to upset the fine fanatics in PETA?" He struck a pose. "I got in trouble with them back in my TAG days. I posed near-naked in an ermine coat."

"Yeh, right!" Melissa Mao walked in, sleepy-eyed in a rather wrinkled uniform. "It had nothing to do with animal furs. Those shit heads got pissed off when people put the fucking magazine photos in the bottom of their parrot cages and the fucking birds got sick and died." She took a long pull from an open can of beer and then placed the can on Kurz's head, tacit approval for him to down the rest if he liked. "I had trouble with them, too."

"Blew a moose?" Kurz quipped, dancing out of Mao's way, without dislodging the beer can. The brand was Moosehead. He reached up and finished off the brew. "-Or a whale. Hah… get it… Blue Whale." He grimaced when Mao kicked him in the leg, too close to his Family Jewels for comfort.

"No," Mao replied, dead serious. "It seems they were upset when I killed a rabbit to clean off my favorite knife."

"Wh-Wh-Why?" Kaname was a bit taken aback, even though she knew Mao all too well. She was asking 'Why kill a bunny for that,' while Mao heard it more as 'Why was your knife dirty.'

"The thing was fucking bloody," Mao answered. "I had used it to fucking kill the bears that fucking got into my picnic basket at Yellowstone." Naturally, the basket had held beer, not sandwiches and chips. "The PETA fuckheads had some of their undercover people posing as a bus tour that day."

"Good morning, everyone." Teletha Testarossa walked in, immaculate in her Captain's garb and carrying a teapot and a small carton of milk. She looked a bit pensive. "By chance… has anyone here found themselves watching Happy Days?" She had felt compelled to ask that question. She turned when a radioman called her name from the door way.

"Here you go, Captain." A fuzzy cheeked young man handed her a coded radio transcript.

"Thank you," Tessa said. She scanned the paper. "I see…."

"What is it," Mao said with a belch. She scratched herself and grinned when Tessa gave here a look of disapproval.

"An explanation from the FanFiction author," Tessa said. She handed the transcript to Sousuke. "He says you're the best one for long-winded explanations."

"But Captain-" Sousuke looked concerned. "I understand that some people who once read this author's fiction… they used to skip the long-winded parts… or complained bitterly about it in reviews…." He scratched the back of his neck. "…Or simply didn't review at all, if they bother to read…."

"It's not a request for me," Tessa said apologetically, "So it's not one for you either."

"As you wish," Sousuke said initially to Tessa. Taking a deep breath, he corrected himself, looking past the boat's ceiling and saying "Negative. As you wish." He began to read from the voluminous transcript. "The phrase jump the shark is based on a scene in the fifth season premiere episode of the 1970s American TV series Happy Days titled "Hollywood: Part 3," written by Fred Fox, Jr., which aired on September 20, 1977."

"That's stupid," Kurz said. "Starting a season with a part three of a three-part episode… Shit, Sis!" Mao had stepped sharply on his toes.

"In the episode… as Kaname and I just saw… the central characters visit Los Angeles, where a water-skiing Fonzie answers a challenge to his bravery by wearing swim trunks and his trademark leather jacket, and jumping over a confined shark. The stunt was created as a way to showcase Winkler's real-life water ski skills."

"Then any future episodes of Full Metal Panic really could have Mao give a moose or some kind of barn yard animal a blow job," Kurz said in retribution. "Since it would showcase her real-life hard-earned slutty skills." He didn't wait until he finished speaking to take off running around the room, zig-zagging at random distances and random times.

"You're fucking dead!" Mao took off in hot pursuit. "In future episodes, they can hang those plastic cock and ball things from the back of my car under the license plate." Her combat knife was in hand. "…Except they won't be plastic ones… they'll be plasticized ones…."

"Ignore them, Sergeant" Tessa said. She was still blushing after the things that Kurz and Melissa had said.

"Jumping the shark is the moment when something that was once popular… that no longer warrants the attention it previously received… makes an attempt at publicity, which only serves to highlight its irrelevance." Sousuke continued reading.

"You mean like Kurz," Kaname quipped.

"You wound me, Angel" Kurz said, building up a bit of a sweat. "Better you than Sergeant Major Potty Mouth!"

"In other words, jumping the shark often occurs when a television series… or movie series… book series… etc… reaches a point at which far-fetched events are included merely for the sake of novelty, often indicative of a decline in quality." Sousuke had to step back swiftly, to avoid being trampled by Kurz, who was flailing about. Melissa had grabbed him by the hair. She was reeling him in like a fish.

"Melissa!" It was rare for Tessa to raise her voice like that. "Let Mr. Weber go!" She turned to Sosuke. "The idiom 'jumping the shark' is usually pejorative, isn't it Mister Sagara? It is similar to 'past its peak' but more specifically suggests an unwillingness to acknowledge the failing."

"Affirmative," Sousuke said. "However, ironically, that is not entirely true for Happy Days, even though it's the show responsible for the idiom we are tasked with discussing. Yes, the shark gimmick strayed absurdly outside the original storyline of the sitcom… in its early seasons the show depicted universally relatable adolescent and family experiences against a backdrop of 1950s nostalgia…"

"But?," Kaname asked.

"The series continued for seven years after Fonzie's shark-jumping stunt," Sousuke said. "And that episode was a very large success, with over 30 million viewers."

"That's like the Titanic hitting an iceberg and sinking three years later," Tessa remarked. "And… well… I have to admit-" She twirled hair around her fingers, afraid to admit something. "Happy Days reruns make me laugh. I know that they're more than thirty years old, but they are still funny."

"I don't know about that," Belfangan Clouseau said from doorway. He'd been listening in on the conversation for a while. "Happy days…" He stopped seeing the look on his Captain's face. "Most people do use 'jump the shark' in a negative way, even when an episode is iconic, or if the show remains good, just not as good. Many shows did go down and stay down, just like the Titanic. If you are going to focus on American television… a perfect example is Dallas."

A courier ran into the room, and handed another shorter transcript to Sousuke. That had Clouseau looking a bit dyspeptic. This had been his chance to shine for once.

"When Dallas premiered in 1978, it was an instant TV phenomenon," Sousuke read. He knew nothing about Dallas, the show. He did know that theNaval Weapons Industrial Reserve Plant, a government-owned, contractor-operated facility which had the mission of designing, fabricating, and testing prototype weapons and equipment, was located in Dallas, Texas. "Initially focusing on the marriage of Bobby Ewing, the show quickly began to shift its attention to J.R. Ewing, his brother, played by Larry Hagman."

"I Dream Of Jeannie," Tessa clapped her hands. When everyone stared at her, she bowed her head and began touching finger tip to finger tip.

"J.R.'s dirty business dealings and scheming became a hallmark of the show," Sousuke continued. "Dallas became one of the most successful shows on TV."

"Over the years, a behind the scenes creative change resulted in Patrick Duffy's character, Bobby being killed off in the series 8 finale." Clouseau put that in quickly, but suddenly lost his voice. He knew damn well why!

"Season 9 saw a noticeable change in the general tone of the show and the fans were extremely unhappy," Sousuke said. "By season 10, things had escalated to such a degree that the producers decided to completely undo the entire previous season by explaining it as a dream had by the character Pam, while Bobby was in the shower."

"Can I speak now?" It was Clouseau turn to stare past the ceiling. He had his voice back. He started slowly at first and then built up speed. "The events of the ninth season were completely erased, but the damage was done and viewers lost interest in the once-great show. A few attempts at rebooting notwithstanding, the show died in 1991. The infamous shower scene remains one of its lasting legacies. And-"

"That show may have been popular," Commander Richard Mardukas said, walking briskly into the room. He was not a big fan of American television, with one big exception. "But it was not very good. Seinfeld, in contrast, is considered by many to be the greatest show of all time. It was the brain-child of Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld, and was the definitive 'show about nothing-'"

"Just like I was the definitive character about nothing…." That voice sounded familiar to Kaname and Sousuke. Yes. It sounded Mr. Mizuhoshi , the art teacher from Fumoffu. But what would he be doing aboard Da Danaan? They must have imagined it. It was a strange day, after all.

"As, I was saying," Mardukas said looking out the door. There was no one there. "Seinfeld was… and still is, I might add… one of the most successful shows of all time. While never faltering in the ratings… in fact viewership rose throughout its run… Seinfeld is considered to have jumped the shark when Larry David left after season 7. While he left on good terms… and indeed he came back to write the finale two years later… his genius was missed in the last two seasons."

Kaname yawned. Sousuke broke down his pistol, to see how quickly he could put it back together. Weber and Mao lost all interest in taunting or torturing one another.

"While there was no specific moment on screen-'" Mardukas said, smiling. Actually smiling. He was finally in his element. He didn't notice his compatriots bored reactions. "-The show's once-magic dialogue was a little less polished and the quality of the writing lacked what had once made it so perfect. For example-"

"That will be enough of that." A stern but caring voice spoke. How many words had she ever been given in any FMP anime or in any FMP novel or manga? It was Peggy Goldberry. The African American woman was the ships doctor, the only MD in the Western fleet. "I think you all beat the poor shark to death." She did her best Bones McCoy by saying, "Damn it Captain, I'm a medical doctor, not a veterinarian." When Mardukas began to pull rank, she said "Would you like a hernia exam, Sir?" That shut him up, but still made him cough.

"Thank you," Tessa said. Too many words. Too many facts. She felt like running over to the hangar bay… hooking her shoe strap to a launch pin… and having the catapult send her far from this story. That hangar bay part, BTW, is a fine bit of foreshadowing. Not the launching part. Just the hangar bay.

"Yes," Kaname said to Peggy. "I owe you lunch or something." She pushed her hair away from her eyes. She had peen plugging her ear canals with her fingers. "One otaku was enough… but three…"

"Thank Heaven we are done with that," Tessa said, sharing a smile with Kaname.

"Ahem," the good doctor cleared her throat. "I just wanted to try my voice out for once. And so, I have something to add. It's about a Time magazine article I once read." She smiled when she heard someone groan. She knew that sound. She heard it often enough, during prostate exams. "In 2008, a writer identified a term modeled after 'jump the shark'. That term was 'Nuke the fridge.' Specifically applicable to film, the magazine defined the term: to exhaust a Hollywood franchise with disappointing sequels."

"It comes from a scene in the fourth Indiana Jones film, 'Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull', in which Indy.. true name Dr. Henry Walton Jones, Jr…survives an atomic bomb detonation by fitting himself into a lead-lined refrigerator," Clouseau started to speak, but stopped. The doctor had removed a tube of lubricant from her pocket. She removed a long length of clear tubing from another.

"If you're so filled up of piss and vinegar from being interrupted yourself," Peggy said. "I can help. A good Foley catheter can work wonders." She grinned as the tall burly man retreated. "The explosion in that movie scene annihilated the surroundings but sends the refrigerator flying sufficiently distant for Indy to escape unhurt. The scene was criticized as being scientifically implausible. Director Steven Spielberg later said-"

A loud computer-generated voice blared forth from then ship speakers:

ALL FMP STORY CHARACTERS WILL NOW REPORT TO THE HANGAR BAY.

"Saved by the bell," Kaname said. She should have known better. She really should have. It looked like Tessa did.

"Don't be so sure," Sousuke said. "That was not Dana. I do not have a verbal circuit set up with Al. In all likelihood, that was the story author hijacking the boat's voice synthesizer."

"Fuck," Mao spat.

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Countless folding chairs were spread throughout the hangar bay.

A large number of the chairs held a member of Mithril, or anyone who had shared even the briefest moment of script time or screen time in a Full Metal Panic novel, manga, or anime.

Obviously, everyone there had been clued into the topic of Jumping the Shark, as evidenced by their conversations. If it wasn't jump this, it was shark that.

Sousuke and Clouseau quickly joined a group of closet otakus, much to the dismay of Kaname Tessa, and Mardukas. Kurz ran over to a group of Isu Base secretaries, Melissa close on his tail to offer rescue. Peggy followed those two, in case anyone needed medical assistance.

Yang Jun-Kyu, a fellow SRT member nodded acknowledgement to Sousduke as he walked over. Commander Killy B. Sailor stared at them both for a moment, and then rejoined the conversation. Gavin Hunter said something to the sub commander in a quiet voice, and then laughed his usual affable laugh. Roy Seals joked around, acting like a much older Kurz. Michael Lemon, Sousuke's favorite Generale de la securite exterieure member, gave his friend a jaunty mock salute. Seaman apprentice Mary Sue Haag, Master Gunnery Sergeant Larry Stu Patton, and Airman First Class Marty Tzu Miki, each of them new to this story, hovered at the periphery of that august group.

"Like many young kids, I was introduced to anime through Cartoon Network's Toonamiprogramming block." Mary Su blushed. She was looking at Sousuke Sagara. The Sousuke Sagara. She'd impress him with her anime knowledge, for sure. "Out of all of the anime I was exposed to during Toonami's legendary early years, there was one show that reigned supreme… Dragon Ball Z."

"Pffft!" Jun-Kyu covered his mouth too late, and then apologized.

"Sergeant Sagara, from the moment it premiered, DBZ had me hook line and sinker." Mary Sue continued unabashed, her plucky attitude proving infectious. "For years, I followed the saga of Goku and the Z-fighters with crazed and obsessive zeal. I… well… you know, I learned every ridiculous special move so I could mimic them with my friends at recess."

"Me too," Roy Seals admitted. "After work." Nobody snickered. No one dared to.

"As much fun as Goku was when it came to beating villains to a bloody pulp, he was never my favorite character." Marty Tzu puffed out his chest. There was some FMP royalty here. He'd get in good with them lickity split. Mary Sue couldn't hog the whole spotlight. "I liked Gohan better. He was much smarter than his father, and I loved the idea that a kid like me could be just as much of a badass as any of the ϋber-ripped adults." He was obviously the kind of boy who bought those hand-held exercise devices sold in the back of comic books.

"Right!" Michel said, lighting up a smoke. He took a long pull and blew it out, annoying Commander Sailor. He would have preferred a drink, but only Mao and Weber could get away with that in this story. "We got to watch him grow as a character. And finally, the best part came… he took on the show's biggest villain to date."

"Cell," Larry Stu added, butting in. No one there would dare scowl at an anime expert like him, right? "I can still remember sitting way too close to my television, eyes glued to the screen as Gohan summoned the most epic Kamehameha wave any DBZ fan had ever seen. It was grandeur defined, the single coolest thing I had ever seen. I'm pretty sure that was the day I became a man."

"Snrrrrk!" Gavin Hunter pretended his amused response was a reverse sneeze.

"That's why everything that came after that moment jumped the shark," Sousuke said. "That Kamehameha should have led to a golden era. What did we get instead?"

"The Great Saiyaman," Mary Sue replied, batting her eyelashes.

"A corny superhero gag that lasted way too long, which seemingly existed only to waste time-" Larry Stu began.

"Until Goku was revived… yet again… so he could take on Majin Buu," Marty Tzu said. "Dragon Ball Z's final and worst villain."

"I agree," new ship's cook Kazuhiko Toriyama joined that group. "That change in status quo was just a ruse, a temporary switch-up that only led to more of the same, with significantly diminished returns." With the DBZ topic exhausted, he asked "So, when did your favorite anime jump the shark?"

"Rurouni Kenshin was going downhill a bit up to the point-"Gavin said. "But the Black Knights arc killed it for me."

"That's for shit sure," Commander Sailor remarked. "Basically, the anime ended at the Kyoto Arc, since everything else after that was entirely non-canonical."

"Naruto jumped the shark when it continued after the Pain Arc," Jun-Kyu claimed. "If Kishimoto had written the manga with the intention to end it right after that arc, it would've been considered one of the best shounen series ever."

"Sword Art Online," Sousuke said. "When they introduced Yui."

"Soul Eater," Michael sneered. "The last five freaking minutes."

"Samurai Flamenco," Mary Sue said, beaming. She loved that anime more than she loved her large Sagara pillow. "I mean that in a good way!"

"That's not jumping the shark," Marty Tzu claimed. "That's riding a fucking jumping shark." He made a face when every glowered at him. What? Was Mao the only pampered pet allowed to cuss?

"Samurai Flamenco's shark jumped, and Samumenco surfed the shark." Larry Stu could top that purple prose. "Then… when the sharked jumped again… it jumped into hyperspace…and Samumenco surfed among the stars."

Everyone went quiet. Not just the miniature otaku convention, but the entire hangar bay. Then, almost on cue, everyone snickered, saying 'hyperspace' or 'surfed among the stars.' Larry Stu shrugged. Any attention was good attention.

"Sam Flam my ass," Commander Sailor said, sourly. "The animation for that show sucks donkey dick. And that kind of horseshit ain't really jumping the shark, pimple face."

"You bet!" Gavin Hunter chuckled. "The artwork for episode eleven had me wanting to pinch a loaf. Seriously! But hold onto your bonnets, ladies… here's the ultimate-"

"Air Gear." Sousuke guessed correctly. Gavin nodded, nonplussed. He didn't care if anyone wanted to steal his glory. The only time he got upset was when Mithril forced him to move Intelligence operations sooner than he liked.

"That's so true," Clouseau said gleefully. "It started as fun with souped-up roller blades, and progressed to saving the world with god-level technology."

"I'd call that jumping the shark," Michael said, flicking away his cig. "Wasn't there a body-swap between one of the girls and President Obama?"

"There sure was," Mary Sue said. "It-"

"I still can't believe that I read a story where the President of the United States did a body swap with a teenage Japanese girl and-" Marty Tzu didn't get to finish what he intended to say, either.

"And then raid… with a group of uber roller-bladers… an USS aircraft carrier that was taken over by a terrorist group… of evil uber roller-bladers!" Larry Stu's recollection had everyone laughing.

Things were a bit more sedate after that. Clouseau brought up Death note. Michael added Bleach, saying things had hit his sweet spot with the Hueco Mundo invasion. Kazuhiko Toriyama brought up Berserk. The others each named one more manga or anime that had left them baffled or pissed off at some time in the past. Sousuke brought up One Piece, at just the time when Kaname and Tessa had reached their limit.

"Whatever you want to call it, the King Kong Gun versus 16 Holy Bullets God thread was a shark jump," Sousuke said.

"Sousuke…" Kaname began tapping one foot. She was oblivious to Tessa, who caught sight of Michael.

"While the side characters looked on all worried and cheering for Luffy… and our hero powering up with his enhanced Gear Fourth…." Sousuke had gotten into a rhythm. Who knows just how long he could go on?

"Soussss-kay…." Kaname had folded her arms across her bosom. Tessa had pinked up, and was waving at Michael, who pushed his glasses up his nose and gave her a sweet smile.

"And everybody's favorite hero was doing the traditional DBZ-like focusing expression to get more power out of his technique. You know. The one where he-" Souske started.

"-Looks like he's trying to drop an extra-large deuce," Seals finished.

"Uhhh-" Sousuke blinked rapidly. What was up with these older men and their fecal obsession? "It had all the makings of a final boss battle from DBZ. I am certain you all know what I mean… Goku vs. Vegeta… Goku vs. Freeza… Goku-"

"SOUSUKE!"

Kaname's yell had Tessa jumping, landing awkwardly, and falling to her rump. The smaller girl stammered a thank you when Michael rushed to help her to her feet. Was there an implied romantic connection there, now or in the future?

"Yes, Kaname?" Sousuke always asked that. He wasn't that clueless. He knew what had his beau hot under the collar. He was as bad with his otaku stuff as he was with his military matters.

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As Sousuke and the others headed over towards a group of empty chairs, Kaname clinging tightly to his arm and pulling him far ahead of the other jabbering jays and jabber jaws, they passed other military character from the FMP series.

They turned when a group of Military Police approached two youngsters in combat suits.

"You there," one MP called out. "Tatsuya Ichinose…"

"And you with him," another MP added. "Adelina Kerenskaya…"

"You're not welcome here… get out!" A third MP shook a billy club.

"Sousuke?" Kaname looked concerned. "What-"

"The two of them are from 'Full Metal Panic! Another'," Sousuke explained. "It started as light novels written by Naoto Oguro and illustrated by Shiki Doji." He sighed. Usually he liked anything FMP related. "That is where Full Metal Panic! truly jumped the shark!" He whispered things in his girlfriend's ear. "I mean… Ono D is in it… he's a geography teacher at Jindai High. Don't tell them, but Kurz and Melissa have been married and divorced three times in that story and have a 10 year old gothic loli daughter Clara who's a sniper too. Tessa started the Private Military Contractor at the heart of the story, but Mao ran it."

"Are we in it?" Kaname looked like she was on pins and needles. Were she and Sousuke happily married? Did they have kids?

"No,"Sousuke replied. "We are not." He tugged one ear. How could it truly be Full Metal Panic, then?

"Okay So why-" Kaname stopped short, whatever question she had forgotten. "Sousuke… look…." She jumped out of her seat, the metal chair falling behind her. "But how… why…." She waved back at two people who were waving to her. It was Shunya and Ayame Chidori, her father and sister. She ran over to greet them.

"Uhhh-" Sousuke was a bit baffled. There were quite a large number of non-military personnel aboard the TDD-1, many whom he recognized. A sizeable group were mobbing Kaname.

There was Kyoko Tokiwa… Hayashimizu Atsunobu… Ren Mikihara … Mayuko Uchida… Shiori Kudou… Tomomi Isomura… Issei Tsubaki… Mizuki Inaba…Maya Mukai … and Ryo whats-her-name. And, standing away from the group, Ena Saeki was also there. She was the girl whose love note he had once blown up, when he mistook her for a stalker.

Fuwa showed up, asking if any of the Jindai students had seen Kaname. He wanted to reminisce about old times, and their date at Fumo Fumo Land. He decided to ask again later, after Masatami Hyuuga and his servants Washio, Samejima and Hyoudou came looking for Kaname, too.

Sousuke was not unwanted. Mari Akutsu and some gang members kept pushing people aside looking for him. One of the people had been pushed aside, beset with a similar agenda, was Hiromi Sasaki. Kogure the Jindai gym teacher came storming in, but was dragged off by the ear, at the hand of Principal Takako Tsuboi

"I-" Sousuke began to sweat heavily. He had recognized someone else, and that someone else had recognized him.

"You there-" A woman who looked a lot like Kaname began walking his way. It was a minor character from the anime series 'Full Metal Panic! The Second Raid'. The Prostitute, with a capital 'P'. "-Aren't you that cleaning guy who came up to my apartment… bragged about fighting… and then blew me off." The words 'blew me off' had Sousuke sweating even more, seeing that Kaname was dragging her sister by the hand, heading in his direction, their father a few footsteps behind them. He hadn't done anything with the woman of ease. But the more heavily he sweated, the more suspicious his sweetheart would be.

Sousuke quickly ran off, stopping only when he ran across another familiar group of people from Jindai who had yet to take seats. Shinji Kazama stood speaking with Kotaro Onodera and someone else he was not overly pleased to see: Yoshiharu Ohnuki, the high school janitor and fish lover. The older man held his newest koi, Buttercup, in a large clear plastic bag. The three of them were discussing all things shark, except jumping the shark.

"Of course, 'Jaws' was the greatest," the janitor said, "Wouldn't you agree, Buttercup?" He put his ear to the fish's bag. "Yes… yes, I agree… not, and I repeat not, 'Jaws 2', 'Jaws 3-D', or 'Jaws the Revenge'!"

"Sure, 'Jaws' was great," Shinji admitted. "But for me, the Holy Grail was the Austin Powers movies. You know… times when Dr. Evil had a simple request-"

"And that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads!" Ono D grinned, and quoted the Mike Myers character. "Now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that can't be done. Ah, would you remind me what I pay you people for? Honestly. Throw me a bone here!"

The two boys laughed. Ohnuki appeared oblivious to their movie reference. He said "I really like the old cast from Saturday Night Live. One of my favorite recurring characters was the Land Shark, the cleverest of all sharks. Unlike the Great White, he could be anywhere he wanted, including dry land." He looked a bit annoyed, seeing how the other two conversationalists seemed to be ignorant this time. "It was capable of disguising its voice, and generally preyed on young single women, adopting the guise of a repairman or a messenger… Candygram!" Not a single person in the hangar bay seemed to know what he was talking about. He clenched his fists, Anger Management classes forgotten. "The Land Shark would knock on an unsuspecting victim's door and then devour her when she opened up."

Ono D looked at Shinji and shrugged. "Who cares about that musty and dusty old stuff. Sharknado is where it's at!" He caught sight of Sousuke, who he had long since forgiven for Kyoko's injuries. "Sousuke! Hey, where's Kaname?" He wondered why his friend suddenly looked frantic.

"Souske!" Shinji was excited to see his buddy. "Where's Chidori?" He wondered why Sousuke was hiding behind the janitor, especially seeing the history the two had.

"I… she…." Sousuke quickly moved to change the subject. "I also used to watch the SyFy channel, and was a big fan of Shark Week, including Sharknado." That put things back on course.

The three former classmates discussed the comedy-horror-disaster movie in which a giant waterspout hurls a school of Great Whites into greater Los Angeles. When the moment was right, Sousuke begged-out and headed towards the rows of chairs. Kaname and her family were seated, and had saved him a seat. The Prostitute was nowhere to be seen.

He stopped dead in his tracks. He pinched himself to make sure he was not dreaming.

It was the biggest shock, yet!

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The crowd was not limited to the living.

That is, while everyone there certainly seemed alive, there were those who had died during the novels, manga, or anime. They were talking to one another, or with characters that had never died, and who might even had been an enemy once, or at least on the opposing side.

"It looks like this story has truly jumped the shark," Takuma Kugayama said to Seina, who he still believed was his sister. He paid no attention to a shy young girl, who truly bore a resemblance to him.

"Tell me about it," Karuma said with a stern frown.

"I mean… look…" Sergeant John Danigan waved his arm around the area, shielding his eyes from the bright sunlight streaming down past the open hangar door. "Look... look… and look… are you looking…" He pointed at group after mismatched group.

Late SRT members, Lieutenants Castello and Wiseman; Sergeant Roger Sandraptor; and Corporal Speck were chewing the fat with Lee Fowler, Sabina Lefnio, and Quang Van Dao.

Xia Yu Lan and her twin sister Xia Yu Fan, both assassins from the anime, were putting the moves on a bemused Gail McAllen, while obviously ignoring the amorous advances of their male counterparts from the manga, Manga Fei Hung and Fei Jao. Watching from a distance were assassins Julie and Rena, attracted to a pair of the twins. Which pair? They gave no clue. Lian Shaopin, sighing, felt envious of his friend.

Lord Edmond Mallory, stating that he had to make his way to a hastily set up lectern, finished his argument with General Mayer Amit and Admiral Jerome Borda. Both Zaied and Wilhelm Casper had independently tried to eavesdrop on the conversation, only to fail. They beat a hasty retreat when Lieutenant Commander Andrei Sergeivich Kalinin caught their eye. They had no idea what side of the chess game the stern Russian was playing at that moment.

Standing out of sight of the Lord, Sir Edmond Mallory Jr., his son, felt conflicted. His father certainly looked alive, even though he had killed him for his betrayal of Mithril, and for his part in inciting a possible nuclear conflagration. The elder Mallory had been Mr. Mercury, head administrator of Amalgam, but also the creator of Mithril. "Why is he here today? Why should he have a major role in the proceedings? Because he was the President of the General Council?"

"It could be because he's a nobleman," Kalinin said to Sir Mallory, once again appearing unexpectantly before him. "Or because he once had a noble goal, long before he hid himself away while the two organizations he betrayed battled each other, and before he betrayed you personally." He felt a twinge of sadness. The hatred that Junior felt for Senior… had Sousuke felt that way about him, his betrayer?

"Nah," an author surrogate said. "It's the monocle." That left the two men speechless.

Not far from the Russian and the Brit, other living FMP characters were crossing paths. Bani Morauta was speaking shyly with Nami. Nora Lemming was being harassed by the Pony Man. Yoko Wakana was facing off against the Jindai rugby squad, trying to force them to supply her information about Sousuke.

In another odd pairing, Keith Fang, the bad guy from the Full Metal Panic! Surplus manga was conversing with Garon Crayson, the primary protagonist of Full Metal Panic! Bonds. Both seemed somewhat put off by their relative anonymity.

Kudan Mira stood talking to herself, wondering if that was her true name, or Sarah Miller. Peggy Goldberry noticed, and came over to offer her assistance. In another bizarre scene, Gates was chasing after Wraith, who had made the mistake of disguising herself as that mentally damaged man. He was deeply in love with himself, after all.

Danigan was still griping. He had turned traitor to give the show a strong arc. And now, this FanFiction crap! He went off looking for Nguyen Bien Bo, who would of course commiserate. Along the way, he signaled to Victor Bruno, someone else who might like to bitch a bit.

"Don't worry Kashim, honey…" An altogether too familiar voice had Sousuke turning quickly and taking a few steps back, hand reaching for a pistol that wasn't there. It was the last man he ever wanted standing behind him. "I'm certain this nonsense is all temporary. The author has some use for all of us, and we the glorious dead will be sent back to oblivion." It was Gauron.

"Kashim is dead!" A visibly upset Sousuke would have said more, but there was the loud sound of someone tapping on a microphone, to see if it was on.

"Everyone not seated-" The voice stopped. The volume was too low. A loud humming was followed by a voice that was now too loud. It was Lord Mallory:

"EVERYONE NOT SEATED, PLEASE FIND A SEAT AND BE SEATED"

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"You've all been gathered here at the direction of the FanFiction author."

"No shit, Sherlock!" The Namsac local Police Chief had no idea who Lord Mallory was, and saw no reason to pay him the respect he was due.

"Someone," Mallory said. "Any one…." He pointed at the corrupt cop. He was too proper to grin when Mao walked up and kicked the lout betwixt wind and water, unable to pistol whip him without a pistol. "The author has requested that I pick all of your brains." The distinguished gentleman looked out over the crowd, relieved to see that everyone was paying attention and getting along well.

"Why?" Captain Steven Harris asked.

"He is feeling a bit disappointed, looking at the Full Metal panic section at FanFiction," Lord Mallory replied. "The number of stories… and the numbers of reviews… are way down from similar numbers in the heyday. This will be the fourth FMP story written on FanFiction in 2019. Yes, things are early yet, but you should know how drastic things truly are: there were only four stories published in all of 2018… five in 2017… four in 2016… one in 2015!... four in 2015… and none… none, I say… in 2013!"

An aide handed Lord Mallory a tally sheet. "The review numbers are rather barmy, too. Just looking over the latest twenty FMP stories, here are the number of responses: 2… 3… 1… 8…0… 3… 8… 8… 0… 0… 0… 0… 0…0… 8… 4…0… 30… 6… 2." He flipped to another sheet. "For comparison, here are the number of reviews for the latest twenty Naruto fan fictions: 65… 53… 103… 6… 3… 0… 2… 0…39… 5… 70… 185… 10… 7…14… 5… 113… 4… 5… 5. And not too many days before those, there were a 66 … a 187… a 191… a 223 and a 698! All of those stories written in 2018 or later. Bristol bits and chippy chuff! " That last bit of off-color speech didn't catch many people by surprise. Lord Mallory certainly had his moments.

The crowd began talking quietly amongst themselves, until Lord Mallory brought down a gavel with more force than he had intended. "Now, much of this can be explained by simple math. Let's figure that most FMP fan writers got their urge to put pen to paper after watching the anime renditions. 'Full Metal Panic!' was produced by Gonzo Digimation, and originally aired in 2002 after its original air date was canceled because of the September 11 attacks. 'Full Metal Panic? Fumoffu' was produced by Kyoto Animation, and was originally broadcast in Japan from August 25 to November 18, 2003. 'Full Metal Panic! The Second Raid' was also done by Kyoto Animation, and aired between July 13, 2005 and October 19, 2005, with an additional OVA episode released on DVD. Then, there was the long gap. 'Full Metal Panic! Invisible Victory' was animated by Xebec. The series aired in Japan between April 13 and July 18, 2018. That's correct… 2002, 2003, 2005… and 2018."

Lord Mallory let those numbers sink in a while before stating the obvious. "It does not take a blooming genius to conjecture what kind of an effect a large gap like that might have had. But… the newest series was put on the telly less than a year ago. Shouldn't that have at least spiked a new number of reviewers at the very worst, and a large and fresh cadre of writers at the very best?" He looked out in the crowd, searched a bit, and called out to the person he was looking for. "Captain Testarossa… what are your thoughts on this matter?"

"Lord Mallory," Tessa said after standing and straightening out her uniform. "I have heard some crewman call 'Invisible Victory' disappointing. Many use the word boring, saying the story arc deserved a better treatment." She tugged at her ponytail without knowing. "Others say the original plotting itself was boring, with some inconsistent stretches like the first season. They seem to think much of 'Invisible Victory' serves as a nothing more than a set-up for the following material, which may never be animated." She let her hair drop down again. "I liked it, though. I liked it a lot. But, I have always been very fond of the entire story from beginning to end." She didn't say 'except the part where Sousuke chooses Kaname over me'. She didn't have to.

"Sergeant Sagara," Lord Mallory called out. "You are an exceptional soldier and a notorious otaku. Your opinion would be valuable, as well."

"Sir! I will gladly share my expertise!" Sousuke stood sharply. He barely fought off a cringe, when he heard Gauron say sotto voce 'I love it when he acts so manly.' He coughed and said "I may be biased, but I found the anime very enjoyable, even though I most often felt that something was a bit off. Indeed, sir. Something definitely seemed to be missing. For one thing, the CG for mechs and vehicles seemed rushed. I was unhappy to see the animation look worse than Second Raid, all those years ago. Especially, since 'Invisible Victory' had plenty of mecha action with admirable choreography." He thought a moment. "I was ambivalent about the music and voice acting." He had been extremely happy with the same aspects of the earlier installments. "I am not certain whether the majority of the blame should fall on Katsuichi Nakayama or Xebec for the lesser quality of the overall product."

After that, many different people gave their own personal analyses, with a very mixed bag of opinions about 'Invisible Victory'. Some were very picky, while others had been absolutely thrilled simply to have any new FMP animation at all. A good number were worried that the overall quality would not be good enough to create new fans, or drag old fans back into the fold. Gates was particularly blunt in his assessment, saying "If Sagara hadn't made mincemeat of my Plan-1058 Codarl-i with me onboard… watching I.V. would have eventually killed me!" He nearly got into a bout of fisticuffs with Shinji of all people after that. The usually meek boy absolutely loved Invisible Victory. The banging of the gavel brought a return of order.

"Naturally, the FanFiction author did not write a story about Jumping the Shark to purposefully put together a disappointing work… or to highlight a deterioration in his writing skills," Lord Mallory stated. "He found the story concept clever, and wanted to take the ball and run with it. Run a great distance with it, as he is often wont to do." There were a lot of groans. One character… who will remain anonymous… shouted 'we're trapped and there's nothing we can do!' The Lord continued: "He wanted to spice things up a bit, but he also wanted to find a way to pay homage to the novels, manga, and anime… and to the many fan fictions writers at FanFiction, and other sites, too. Not to mention readers and reviewers. A special shout out would go out to Abstractica, a long-removed website where he first published FMP stories. There have been many characters… and many stories…."

"You've said that the author wishes to pick our brains. How exactly?" That was Hummer, a current SRT member.

"The author would like us to brainstorm and come up with fun or interesting final arc to this story," Lord Mallory said. "Your contributions can be short or long… a mere finale, or grist for the mill, providing ideas enough for one or more chapters. There have been readers who prefer multi-chapter stories to one-shots."

Someone in the crowd raised her hand, and was given permission to speak. "But… if we give him the ideas…" Kaname was a very good student, but was still struggling a bit with the logic of it all. "Won't those ideas still be his ideas, when all is said and done. So why are we needed?" She felt silly when someone answered. Especially since that someone was Tessa.

"Miss Chidori," Tessa said. "How much fun would it be if the author simply wrote down a list of ideas?"

"Right!" Kaname smacked a hand against her forehead. "Stupid me!"

"Alright chaps! "Lord Mallory signaled with his hand, and support crews began rolling out a large number of massive dry-erase boards and huge buckets of colored markers. "Have at it!"

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Each board was surrounded by different groups of individuals.

For hours on end, each group tossed out numerous ideas and concepts, writing the best ones on their board. Some came up with few ideas, while others had to flip the board over and write on the other side.

Some groups were groups of friends. Other groups were people with similar rank… similar proclivities… or similar adversaries. While most of the work was independent, some sharing went on, and a number of competitions broke out. People went from suggesting ideas about the story, to simply asking for what they wanted.

After the allotted period of time, a siren sounded and everyone was instructed to step away from their board, and to throw their markers into the nearest trash receptacle. All of the ideas were called out over the intercom system, but only a random few will be mentioned in this story:

"How about something occult," a girl said. "Something supernatural. I think a story with vampires would really kick ass!" That was Nami. She had been a big fan of monster movies.

"Fuck no!" That was Mao. "There have been way too fucking many pretty boy vampire movies and stories." A large number of men and women shouted out their agreement. But, no small number called out support for Nami's idea.

"Then, how about Werewolves…." Michael Lemon looked over at Nami. "Werewolves kick ass move than vampires. And think about it… lycanthropes created through Black Technology…."

"It's been done," Lord Mallory remarked. "The author wrote 'Blood Moon' in May of 2004. Respectable 74 reviews. Let's not repeat ourselves." He brought the gavel down. "Next!"

"Do we need to know the review count," a Mithril seaman asked. "I mean… this is about Full Metal Panic, right. Not about some FanFiction guy. Is this some kind of ego thing?"

"All FanFiction is some kind of ego thing, Machinst's Mate." Lord Mallory, shrugged. "And, the numbers are a direct comparison to the dreadful number of FMP reviews on FanFiction these days, aren't they?" He suddenly looked a bit wary. Someone else had stood up.

"Well, how about some gory story based on 'The Walking Dead'," Gauron said. That was supernatural done the natural way. "The show may be declining, but its popularity might bring in fans. We already have a lot of dead assholes here, and you can't get that kind of expertise everywhere." He laughed. "I must admit, I'm being a bit selfish here. I would love to do a story where I get to zombie-fuck Kashim in the ass…"

"No!" Sousuke stood up.

"Sergeant Sagara, please restrain yourself. "Lord Mallory looked over at Gauron, a chill going down his spine. FMP's most famous villain did have a point about the dead, but he himself was not the one who would choose. That was fortunate, since he too was dearly departed, and would be somewhat biased. "We will keep that idea under consideration."

"Braaaaaaaains…." Gauron laughed again, and then mimed a smooch. More than a few people felt a bit queasy.

"If we are going to go big time TV," Mary Sue said. "We should go 'Game of Thrones'!" She bowed, hearing a smattering of applause. "Picture it: Arm Slaves versus dragons. What could get more epic than that?!"

"No, that's too unrealistic," Shinji said. "Dragons? Really? Let's keep our story life-like. If you want epic, how about a Crossover story… FMP combined with one or more giant robot animes. You know… mechas like in Mobile Suit Gundam...The Super Dimension Fortress Macross… Neon Genesis Evangelion… Armored Trooper Votoms. Oooo-ooo-o yeh!" He was hyperventilating. "And it doesn't have to be anime. How about 'Pacific Rim'!" That last addition brought more applause.

"No," Lord Mallory said, even though the idea had enormous support. "The author has already done something like that before. ' Full Metal March'. Based on 'Gunparade March'. Published July 2004. Twelve reviews.

"I have an even better suggestion," Mardukas said. "I think it is a rather ace idea, seeing that it has military connections, and could serve as an interesting parallel." He nodded his head. Most people didn't realize just how bright he was. He would show them. "'The Final Countdown' was a 1980 alternate history science fiction film about a modern aircraft carrier that travels through time in a storm-like vortex to the day before the 1941 attack on Pearl Harbor." He heard a few voices of dissent. "It was a good film! Produced with the full cooperation of the United States Navy, set and filmed on board the actual USS Nimitz supercarrier, 'The Final Countdown' was a moderate success at the box office. And, who wouldn't want to splash Zeros in an F-14!" He wasn't just a fan of submarines.

"I like that idea!" Sousuke and a number of other characters spoke up at the same time.

"I do, too" Lord Mallory nodded his head. He took out a fine cloth and polished his monocle. "There is a bit of a quandary, however. Seeing that a large number of our characters are Americans… and Full Metal Panic began as a Japanese phenomenon… there would be disagreements amongst us, about what side the TDD-1 would support, especially seeing that it would be a deepening of the alternate history spiel."

"We could just call it a tie, and chose the Germans instead." That was Kurz, of course. "DaDaanan would make one hell of a U-boat!"

"We could…" That, surprisingly, was Eri Kagurazaka. Few would have expected her to speak up in that company. "We could have the submarine act as a peacemaker…it could go back in time and stop wars…"

Things went dead quiet.

"Let's set the idea aside for further consideration," Lord Mallory said. "Next."

"If we are going to consider movies," Nora Lemming spoke up. "How about '50 First Dates'. No… really… hear me out!" There had been a fair number of catcalls. "It was about a veterinarian living in Hawaii who had a reputation of womanizing female tourists and who did not display any interest in committing to a serious relationship. "

"We know where this one is going, Sis." Kurz smiled a happy smile. "You and me, babe. You and me."

"Shut the fuck up and listen," Mao said.

"One day he meets a young woman," Nora continued. "The two of them hit it off instantly and she asks him to meet her again tomorrow morning. But, when he goes back to the café the following day, the girl does not have any recollection of ever meeting him. The restaurant owner explains to him that the year before, the girl and her father had a serious car accident that left her with anterograde amnesia, which inhibits her ability to form new memories. As such, she wakes up every morning thinking it is Sunday, October 13."

"How would that pertain," Lord Mallory asked. He would not dare admit it, but he was a big fan of that particular movie. Once, he had even wept.

"We can give the guy the amnesia," Nora explained. "And the guy would be Sousuke." That had Kurz looking crestfallen. "But there wouldn't be just one girl. A lot of different girls would get to go out with him, because he would always forget the prior girl he went out with. The story wouldn't be so predictable and-"

"I vote for it!" That was Tessa. Her answer was echoed by other girls, all of whom have asked to keep their identity secret.

"You don't get to vote!" Kaname sounded more than a bit pissed. She didn't say 'He's mine!' She didn't have to. She crossed her fingers, hoping the author stuck to the status quo.

"We could do something in a serious vein," Peggy spoke up. "The fans see the exciting part of Full Metal panic. But, it's not all about boy meets girl, boy gets in trouble at school, boy blows things up. War is not a game… well, not for the soldiers…." She sighed. She had studied Internal Medicine, but being MD, she had done a Psychiatry rotation in medical school. "Most people know that Post-traumatic stress disorder… PTSD… is a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event…either experiencing it or witnessing it."

"That is indeed a fine idea," Lord Mallory said respectfully. "The serious side of things has been done by other authors. And… in a comedic way… this author has covered the psychiatric angle once before. 'Definitions of Sanity'. July 2004. Thirty-one reviews."

"Well, speaking of insanity-"One of the TDD-1's cooks spoke up. Before he was allowed to continue, he was warned that he would not be allowed to get too political. "Let me start over. We could model an episode or two after 'The Apprentice'. Sousuke could send different bad guys around the world to stop other bad guys. And when they fail, he could say "You're fired' and shoot them!"

A lot of people loved that idea. "No," was all Lord Mallory aid.

"I have the perfect idea," Hayashimizu Atsunobu offered. "What do people think of when they think FMP? Sousuke!" A lot of FMP characters felt a twinge of jealousy. "And what do they think of when they think of Sousuke? Guns!" Hearing no argument, he said "We should do a crossover with another manga or anime, where the characters carry guns. A reader once suggested that the story author do a Noir-FMP crossover, but he hadn't viewed the other anime yet. He himself considered 'Gunslinger Girls'… and even a story that would have seen Sousuke sub in for an injured 007… but had moved onto other ideas."

"Well… it would be fun to have some kind of anime crossover that doesn't have mecha at the heart of things." Masatami Hyuuga was certain he wasn't the only one there who lacked an obsession for Arm Slaves. "That might bring in fans of different stories, or at least please those who like both series. How about-"

"Vetoed," Lord Mallory called out. "It is indeed a fertile soil to plant, but it's been done before. 'The Handsome Otaku of Legend'. A 'Ruroni Kensin' crossover. April 2004. Twelve reviews. 'Mithril and Blue Haired Girl Visit Hinata'. A 'Love Hina' crossover. November 2004. Fourteen."

"How about some kind of continuation," Gail McAllen said. "People might like to see what happens in the future." That was ironic, seeing that there would be no continuation for him. "You know, like who hooks up with who, and do they have kids and such. Like-"

"Vetoed," Lord Mallory said. "That would not be exciting to anyone who's read 'Waiting is the Hardest Part', June 2004, forty-two reviews, or 'Family Matters', July 2004, with thirty-nine. I guess I could also add something like 'Higher Education', August 2004, with one hundred seventy seven." He quickly added: "And vetoed!" He pointed at Ayame Chidori, who hadn't even had the opportunity to voice her idea. He knew that she was going to suggest a couple of story ideas about Sousuke meeting the Chidori family. "It's done before, for example-"

"Do we have to go there?" Shunya Chidori didn't look like he wanted to hear anything about stories he had been in. He hadn't always gotten a very fatherly role, and fan response had not always been kind. "Alright. Then, I'll do it. Someone owes me something. Ahem-" He cleared his throat. "'Christmas Cake'. 'Guess Who's Coming to Dinner'. 'First Impressions'."

"You forgot the numbers, Daddy." Ayame said.

"It's alright," Lord Mallory. "No one died from a little expediency. Next idea."

"We should do more High school hijinks," Shiori Kudou added. "That's classic. Things like the haunted house routine, like in the Fumoffu episode or in other shows like GTO, are really a lot of fun. So is Truth or Dare. I mean… what's more classic than that?"

"Who brought that git," Lord Mallory asked himself. "There's a story called 'Truth or Dare'. Right? Guess what that might be about." He calmed himself. It really wasn't surprising that characters wouldn't know stories they themselves hadn't starred in. He really could use some cognac. "Sorry. Next." Being dead was easy. Sitting through all this excrement could wear a strong man down. And, the next suggestion wouldn't make him feel any better.

"The author did a lot of FMP fics," Shirai said. "And, a lot of Naruto. How about an FMP-Naruto crossover. Shinobi. Mercenary soldiers. Jutsus. Black technology. And-'"

"MPs, front and center." Lord Mallory fought the urge to throw the gavel at the annoying young man. "Toss him in the brig or off the boat, your choice." That had two MPs doing rock-paper-scissors.

"Full Metal Panic in the fairy tale realm!" Mizuki clapped her hands in glee. She had always pictured herself a princess. Her bedsheets were decorated with every Disney hottie.

"Been done." A bored Mallory brought the gavel down. He didn't even mention 'Full Metal Fairy Tale' from January of 2006.

"Aliens." That was the Pony Man of all people.

"Them too!" Lord Mallory spat out. He didn't mention 'Close Encounter' from December, 2006. If he thought he had heard the worst of it, he was wrong. Things soon devolved into individuals tossing out self-centered and self-serving ideas.

"I know!" It was the Jindai High librarian, Akihiko Tani. "We could send the Jindai students on another field trip, this time by bus." The fewer students present at school, the easier her job was. "What? Why not?" Lord Mallory was shaking his head.

"No," the nobleman said flatly.

"But… young Sagara could drive the bus-" The elderly man with thick glasses and a '72 Pink Floyd tour shirt had trouble keeping his eyes open. "And you Justice League guys could outfit it with weapons…." Losing a valiant fight against sleep, the made closed his eyes. He was soon snoring.

"Next!" Lord Mallory was annoyed. A vein at his temple pulsed visibly.

"Justice League?" Wakana laughed. "Wrong show, geezer." She thumbed her nose at the Lord. "International Rescue would be a better comparison. We got Jeff Tracy over there…." She pointed at the senior Mallory. "His sons Scott, John, Virgil, Gordon and Alan…." She pointed to the junior Mallory, Commander Mardukas, Lieutenant Commander Kalinin, Clouseau, and Sousuke. "…Lady Penelope." She pointed at Tessa. "…Tin Tin." She pointed at Mao. "And The Hood." She pointed at Tessa's brother. Looking at Kurz she added "But we don't have Brain."

"Thunderbirds …are… Go!" Gate stood up, and began pantomiming a rescue scene. One hand was a bus teetering on the edge of a broken bridge. The other was the large squat Thunderbird 2.

"I… said… next!" Lord Mallory pounded deeper and deeper depression in the top of the lectern.

"Anyway," Wakana said. "I really like the bus idea. The bus… church ladies mistaken for terrorists… real terrorists pretending to be museum tour guides… a school girl auction… and a smart sexy Police Woman with a love of the Tiger Claw and Dim Mak…." She blew Sousuke a kiss. She laughed at the look on Kaname's face. She licked her lips, savoring the trouble she was causing. Yes, she knew damn well that she had already played her role in the story 'Class Act.' That stuffed shirt Lord deserved whatever he got. "But, we could do more than just write the story, or even have some studio turn it into an anime. We could do it as a Supermarionation production!" That type of electronic marionette puppetry had been used in Supercar, Stingray, Fireball XL5, as well as the Thunderbirds TV show and movies. And, a more modern irreverent slice of humor, Team America: World Police, created by writers associated with South Park, used a style of puppetry based on Supermarionation.

"Bloody Bollocks!" Lord Mallory took a deep breath, then let it out. He took a handkerchief out of his coat pocket and dabbed at his forehead. "I apologize. I suspect that ought to be enough ideas for now. How about we-"

"Excuse me…" A young man stood up. "I think I deserve some consideration here." Bani Morauta practically begged for help. "I mean, I created the ARX-Halberd from an M6 Bushnell. And then, I created Arbalest from the M9 Gernsback. Right? The ARX7!" He let the importance of those feats sink in. "All I ask is that you go back in time and correct all the fan fiction stories that had my name wrong. I mean, I was 'Bunny Morita' for a while. Do I look like a bunny?"

"Yup," Lieutenant Colonel Courtney said. "Whiney Ass Suicide Bitch."

"I-" Bani looked close to tears. "And… if we can change things… how about I don't die… and Tessa will date me."

"Hah!" Mao laughed. "The two of you could fuck like bunnies." That rabbit reference actually had Bani looking cheerful. Tessa shook her head violently, ponytail whipping back and forth.

"I wish that my family had not died before the FMP story events unfolded." Kalanin's voice sounded a bit thick. "It would have simplified things greatly." He sighed. "And I wish that I never betrayed Sousuke, who had been like a foster son to me."

"Why did you betray him," Kaname asked. She had been so tied up with Sophia in the past, her memory still had blank spots.

"Cue the back story," Lord Mallory said dryly.

"Leonard convinced me," Kailin said. "He wanted to use Kaname and Sophia along with the TARTAROS to reset time to the 'real' timeline, where Black Technology and the Whispers don't exist, and people who should have been alive would be alive. He also said that there would be peace and happiness in the world."

"That's a bit naïve, isn't it?" General Mayer Amit said. "There is never peace and happiness in the world. Not on a large scale, anyway." Caught up with the Middle East morass for much of his life, he sounded bitter.

"It's more personal than that, isn't it?" Leonard Testarossa piped up, seeing that he had been a signature player in it all. He too was being a bit personal, seeing that Kalinin had killed him. "You wanted your wife and unborn child back. And, you wanted Sousuke to have a nice, peaceful life."

"What's wrong with that," Gates asked. "His wife and child both died during labor because the fuckling obstetrician had been smashed. And when he'd handed the boy over to the KGB, he'd thought the organization was going to find Sousuke's family or at least return him to Japan so he could be adopted in his home country, not turn him into an assassin." Everyone was shocked. Gates had spoken quite normally, and with great compassion.

"Yes," Kalinin said. "When I saw Sousuke again in Afghanistan, I wanted to adopt him. I wrote my wife, and she agreed. She even wrote back to Sousuke, and sent along a picture of-" He couldn't continue. He had been seduced by Leonard's logic. If he could have turned back time and retained foreknowledge, he could have made certain that his wife had a safe delivery.

"Of her pregnant self," Sousuke added. What did he want? A life where his parents had never died? What would that have led too? Would a life without Mithril have been better? A life without Kaname?

All good things must end. Gates was back to his usual self. Changing his voice to sound a lot like Cher, he began singing and dancing about:

"If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I'd take back those words that hurt you
And you'd stay
I don't know why I did the things I did
I don't know why I said the things I said
Love's like a knife it can cut deep inside
Words are like weapons, they wound sometimes
I didn't really mean to hurt you
I didn't want to see you go
I know I made you cry, but baby

If I could turn back time-"

A shot rang out. Gates fell over dead. "It's not like I'm turning good or anything," Gauron stated, after performing what most there must think was a good deed. "I still want slash fiction where I rape Sousuke and kill him… or kill him, then rape him…." Some listeners were reminded of a scene in 'The Running Man.'

"Gun!" Lord Mallory left the lectern, stepped down from the podium, and confronted Gauron. He flinched when the evil man aimed the gun at his head and pulled the trigger; but, the author had only put one bullet in the gun. "Anyone else?" Gun in hand, he headed back to his perch.

The Jindai rugby team asked if they could land mines in the playing field. Wraith asked if she could have been a concert pianist, instead of a spy. Someone wanted to turn the TDD-1 into a pirate ship, with a Jolly Roger and all that. Eye patches and parrots, too. Someone else wanted to turn the sub into a meth lab, and name the anime 'Full Metal Bad' or 'Breaking Metal Panic'. Even Lord Mallory spoke up for himself, saying rather than inheriting the position of Mr. Mercury from his father and later feeling compelled to create Mithril, he'd like to have created Google, Ebay, and Facebook instead.

"I know what I'd like," Mr. Mizuhoshi said. "A new theme song for the anime. It's perfect. It really is." He began to sing the lyrics from a famous video:

"Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Baby shark!

Mommy shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Mommy shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Mommy shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Mommy shark!

Daddy shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Daddy shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Daddy shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Daddy shark!

Grandma shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Grandma shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Grandma shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Grandma shark!

Grandpa shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Grandpa shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Grandpa shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Grandpa shark!

Let's go hunt, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Let's go hunt, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Let's go hunt, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Let's go hunt!"

"Could I have the gun back," Gauron asked. "And one fucking more bullet…."

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There always comes a time when enough is enough, except possibly in 'Star Wars' sequels and fan fiction. No, there definitely is a time when enough is enough. Always.

"Shit!" Melissa Mao stood up on her chair, wobbling somewhat, not because the chair was unstable, but because she had somehow managed to obtain beer and had consumed it all, the six aluminum 'dead soldiers' littering the hangar floor. What was more amazing than procuring the alcoholic beverage was the fact that her having them had not prompted a riot amongst other liquor drinkers. "It's been staring you fucking losers in the face the entire time," she added, cigarette barely hanging from her lips. "That's goes for you, especially-" She looked up to the sky, her gaze piercing whispy clouds. "You knew the best way to go from the start. You could have saved the fucking readers a lot of eye-pain and ass-strain if you had skipped all the other bullshit!" She smirked. "That is… if there will ever be any readers…."

"Melissa," Tessa didn't like the disrespect her friend was showing. She was also very curious about Melissa's solution.

"LEMONS!" Mao shouted, followed by a long belch. "IT'S FUCKING LEMONS FOR FUCK'S SAKE!"

"Lemons?" Kyoko looked confused. Why was Kaname's and Sousuke's older friend getting so excited over citrus fruits?

"Yes, little girl," Roy Seals eyed Kyoko up and down, smiling an oily smile. "Let me help you here. A lemon is a story with explicit sex scenes. I believe that it originated from a Japanese slang term for 'sexy'. That in turn had derived from one of the first Japanese pornographic cartoon series named 'Cream Lemon', from 1984. I love how it focused on unrealistic and exaggerated sexual themes, like the story of a girl who does not like sex because of a series of rapes in her family. To cure this, the school counselor orders her to strip in front of the art class and masturbate herself to the point of orgasm. She then has public sex with a boy and likes it, causing the whole class to start having sex." He abruptly changed lanes, saying a lemon can also be a motor vehicle with many problems. But, a leopard cannot change its spots. He found his way back in the gutter. "Lemon can also be slang for lesbian. Do you like girl on girl action? I have videos-"

S-M-A-C-K.

It's amazing what can happen in fan fiction. Melissa Mao had somehow come up with beer in an alcohol-free story. Gauron had procured a gun in a nearly weaponless story. Kaname Chidori had found… and once again wielded… a halisen. She brought down with full force on the head of Seals like it was a sword of justice. It was Sousuke's first time seeing it used on others. He wondered if something like that should be outlawed in an addendum to the Geneva Convention.

"It seems as if we have the general idea," Lord Mallory said. "In the previous one hundred nine stories that remain in the authors catalog at FanFiction… forty one of which are based on Full Metal panic… not counting a handful that got lost or deleted… the author only started one lemon scene, only to have it interrupted. 'Higher Education', again. Mister Chidori, please be seated. No, you can not have a weapon. So, it is time to get down to brass takes. We need to determine the specifics. We will bring the boards back out, resume our groups, and-"

"Pardon me, Sir…." Sousuke felt very uncomfortable interrupting a higher up, especially someone that much higher up. "Couldn't we just do things without the boards?"

"Fuck yeh!"

Everyone sat in shocked silence. That had not been Mao. That had been Shinji.

The full set of characters began tossing out pairings, from the most obvious up to the most obscure. Of course there was Souske plus Kaname… Sousuke plus Tessa… Sousuke plus Nami... Sousuke plus Gauron… Kurz plus Mao… and even Kyoko plus Ono D. But, there was also Sousuke plus Eri… Sousuke plus Wakana… Sousuke plus Kaname plus Tessa plus Nami menage a something… Xia Yu Lan and Xia Yu Fan plus Fei Hung and Fei Jao… Gates plus a sock puppet… and even Shinji plus a box of Kleenex. You name it, and someone named it.

The author chose Sousuke and Kaname, eventually.

They both reluctantly agreed to take part. Reluctant, but not really reluctant, if you know what I mean. The crowd then began throwing out ideas about when, where and how many times the deed should be done. Again, there was a surfeit of suggestions: Sousuke as a dashing mercenary and Kaname as a bored housewife in a kimono…Sousuke dressing up as a wolf, and Kaname a sheep… Sousuke as depressed soldier and Kaname as a Hong Kong prostitute… Sousuke with a virus cannister and a naked Kaname in the Jindai High Infirmary… Kaname dressing up as Sousuke, and Sousuke pretending to be Gauron. And on and on and on.

Finally, after everything had been set up, the author sent a message:

JUST KIDDING. NO LEMONS. AS USUAL.

"Good show, Guvner! Lord Mallory had himself a good chuckle. After all he had sat through, that curveball was quite cathartic. "Now that's what I call jumping the shark!" Soon he would be dead again, everything forgotten.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sousuke and Kaname returned to the story, after everyone else had left.

They intended to jump the shark one more time. Jump the shark, and each other. Sousuke carried a bottle of wine in one hand. In the other, he held two wine glasses by the stems. Kaname carried a bag filled with chocolate-covered strawberries and a backpack filled with sex toys and KY products.

Warning:

Don't read this next part, children. It's not 'M' rated. It's 'MA.'

No one except those with the filthiest mind should read any further. I mean it. This is for the dirtiest of the dirty! The lowest of the low!

End of warning.

The two young lovers drank their wine and ate their strawberries. They put on soft music, caressed one another, and rediscovered their joy of kissing. At some point, things got serious. Very serious.

Kaname unzipped Souske's fly, took out his manhood, and put it in her mouth. The blue-haired seductress did not take off her own clothing. She had been wearing a dress she had purchased from the Prostitute the whole time. That dress and tawdry make-up and accessories. Sousuke tried to move, but it felt as if his scarred and battle-worn body were tied down by invisible threads. The young mercenary felt himself growing big and hard inside her mouth.

Sousuke saw Kaname's fake eyelashes and curled hair tips moving. Her bracelets made a dry sound against each other. Her tongue was long and soft and seemed to wrap itself around him. Just as he was about to come, she suddenly moved away and began slowly to undress him. She took off his armor jacket… his combat boots… his camouflage pants and shirt… and his Hello Kitty underwear… and made him lie down on the bed. She still kept her own clothes on, though. She sat on the bed, took Sousuke's hand, and brought it under her dress. She was not wearing panties. His hand felt the warmth of her womanhood. It was deep, warm, and very wet. Sousuke's fingers were all but sucked inside.

Then Kaname mounted Sousuke and used her hand to slip him inside her. Once she had him deep inside, she began a slow rotation of her hips. As she moved, the edges of the pale-blue dress caressed her boyfriend's naked stomach and thighs. With the skirts of the dress spread out around her, Kaname looked like a soft, gigantic mushroom that had silently poked its face up through the dead leaves on the ground and opened under the sheltering wings of night. Her deepest depth felt warm and at the same time cold. It tried to envelop Sousuke, to draw him in, and at the same time to press him out. The soldier's erection grew larger and harder. He felt as if he was about to burst wide open. It was the strangest sensation, something that went beyond simple sexual pleasure. It felt as if something inside Kaname, something special inside her, were slowly working its way through Sousuke's manhood into him…."

The scene fades to black. The rest can be left up to the reader's imagination. That was a bit much as it was.

So. There it is. The Lemon. Yeh, baby. Sousuke and Kaname shagging like minks.

Jumping the shark.

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The sex scene was taken from the search engine discovery, the book 'Wind-Up Bird Chronicle' by Haruki Murakami, almost verbatim but toned down a touch and painted with FMP modifications. Numerous internet blogs and Google entries were pilfered, too, almost word for word; but I can't remember names and details, except some info came from an FMP section on . My apologies to those who were so rudely and selfishly plundered. But, in a very real way, this story is an homage to them too. Some of the wording was so great, I wanted to enjoy and share it, not dismantle it.

A great debt, as always, goes out to Wikipedia.