The Fight
Two weeks had passed since the death of Glenn at the hands of Negan. All of Alexandria was shaken to its very core, and uncertain of their future. They were frightened, defeated, and looking to their leader who was more devastated than anyone had ever seen him.
Since Alexandria was now under Negan's thumb, Rick and Daryl were able to retrieve Glenn's body and bring it back to Alexandria without being harassed on the road. Rick dug the grave and buried Glenn himself, alone. Maggie had decided to stay at Hilltop to be close to Dr. Carson until her baby was born, but agreed to Glenn being buried in Alexandria. Rick spent most of his days at their pitiful cemetery that had been growing almost constantly since his group arrived. He stood before the cross with Glenn's name carved in the wood. So many crosses between Atlanta and Alexandria, more than any normal lifetime's worth to witness, but this lifetime was far from normal.
Glenn had been more than a friend. He was a trusted brother. Rick wondered if he would ever get use to Glenn's absence; standing beside him, the voice of reason, and always ready for anything. Rick was spent. He wondered if his limit had finally been reached. If it hadn't been for Carl, Judith and Michonne, he would have been like Morgan, begging for someone to kill him. 'Everyone has a job to do, and this is yours.' He nodded absently to the words he's heard Hershel say many times, but his job had been on a fast paced upward climb ever since they left Hershel's farm. Then the ordeal of being herded by the saviors, thinking Michonne injured or maybe even dead, and Maggie's illness. He drew in a ragged breath and suddenly exhaled in sobs. He started to cry again, but forced himself to stop. 'You better go 'crazy Rick' on that guy, dumbass.' He smiled hearing that in his head as he wiped the tears from his eyes. "I don't know buddy, this guy is tough." He said out loud.
"So are you." He thought he was hearing another voice in his head, but this was clearly Michonne. He looked up and saw her standing only a few feet away from him. "You okay?" She asked slowly approaching him.
"I'm alright." He said not totally looking at her.
"You can't be, because I'm not okay." She said moving closer to him.
"I'm sorry." He said finally looking at her.
"Tara and Rosita are about to go for a run, why don't you go with them? They could use your help."
"When?"
"Tomorrow morning." She said. "You look beat, why don't you come home and rest."
"I'll be there soon." He said pretty much dismissing her.
"I'll see you later then." She left him there in the cemetery. She had been worried about him, but had yet figured out how she could help him move past this.
Sometime after midnight, Michonne heard Rick come home. He did not come up the stairs, so she assumed he decided to sleep on the couch. For the past 2 weeks, Michonne only caught glimpses of him on his way out every morning, and coming in late almost every night. Right after Glenn's death, they had been comforting to each other, but lately he came home every night, exhausted, quiet and sullen. He had been seen from time to time by the watch going out into the woods. She had tried to talk to him, but only got superficial answers, and he started avoiding eye contact with her. He barely slept, and when he did, he came to bed long after she had gone to sleep.
She got up and sat on his side of the bed looking out the window thinking about the pain he must feel, second only to Maggie's. He had known Glenn from the beginning. Glenn had saved his life, and Rick took things like that very seriously.
A few hours later, Michonne was jarred from sleep by a crash coming from downstairs. She paused thinking maybe she was hearing things. Then she heard Rick yelling, that yell she's heard right before he either fought someone, or shot them. She quickly made her way downstairs just in time to catch Carl going out the door slamming the door behind him. Judith was in her highchair, and had started crying. Rick was strapping on his gun.
"It's okay sweetheart." Rick said to Judith trying to quiet her.
Michonne took a deep breath, and went right to see about Judith. When he saw Michonne, he glanced at her and then back down to collecting his gear for the run with Tara and Rosita.
"Want me to look for anything for you?"
"No, I'm good." Michonne said eyeing Rick carefully.
He knew that look very well, but decided to pretend he didn't see it.
"We'll be gone most of the day."
"Rick, what was going on with you and Carl?"
"Nothing." He said going over to the front door to leave.
"Rick." She said following him to the door.
He stood looking everywhere but in her eyes. She knew something was wrong, but he was going to stubbornly hold onto it instead of sharing it with her.
"We had a slight misunderstanding." He said nearly stumbling over his words. "I need to get going."
She nodded knowing better.
"You be good out there." She said in that way that let him know they would be talking about this later.
He reluctantly walked over to her and tentatively kissed her on the cheek and walked out the door.
Glenn's death affected everyone in different ways, but no one, except Rick, was verbally abusive because of it. He was having a hard time dealing with Glenn's death, taking care of Maggie and with Negan. He blamed himself and would not be consoled. He had been running around Alexandria making sure everything was as it should be to keep Negan and the saviors off their backs, but he had gone too far attacking Carl, and Michonne had finally had enough.
She was glad he was out for a while. They were going about 20 miles out, and she knew he would be tired when he got back. She was counting on that.
After her shift at the gate, she prepared dinner and made sure she touched base with Carl. When she asked Carl about the argument he had with his dad, Carl just said it was over something stupid that he shouldn't have gotten yelled at over. Judith had been fed, bathed and was now sleeping. Michonne went out to sit on the porch steps to wait. She didn't like what she was about to do because it required looking at the man she loved differently. The last time she had done that was because he locked her in a cell at the prison. She had to make it clear to him that his behavior would no longer be tolerated.
The sun had gone down, and it was getting dark when she saw the car pull up to the gate. Rosita was driving and stopped to let Rick out. He talked briefly to Aaron who was standing guard. She could almost hear what he was saying because he was yelling. As he started up their street towards home, she stood up. From that distance, she could see his brow was furrowed and his walk was less than casual. However, if his attitude was different when she greeted him, she thought, what was about to happen next wouldn't be necessary.
"How did it go?" She asked walking down the steps to meet him.
"Rosita needs to get her head out of her…"
She stopped listening before he finished and shook her head. It was on.
"Rick, I need to show you something." She said frustrated, looking at Rick with a dead glare.
"It will have to wait until tomorrow. I'm really tired." He said starting to get short with her. He tried to move past her, but she smoothly stepped in front of him, and when he saw the look on her face, he stopped, thinking it better to hear her out. Her attitude was familiar, and it always worried him because it meant she was unhappy, and when she was unhappy, it meant she was about to get her way.
He looked down at the ground and then at her.
"What is it?" He asked in a softer tone.
She moved closer to him and started to remove his gun belt. Rick looked down at what she was doing and then up to her face.
"What are you doing?"
She unloaded the Colt, laid it on the porch rail, and put the bullets in her pocket.
"You won't need it." She said walking up the street.
He sheepishly followed her as she walked toward the solar panel lot where Morgan practiced his kata.
"What's wrong?" He asked trying to move past her so he could stop her.
She was grateful it was dark and everyone on their block would be in their homes.
"What is it Michonne?" He said seemingly agitated.
"We're going just here. We need some room." She said still walking.
"For what?"
Fortunately for him, she understood that he was frustrated and hurt, but reality being what it was, they needed the focused, a little crazy, on the ragged edge Rick, not this bully.
When they got to the lot she stopped and he stood in front of her. She looked in his eyes, standing at arm's length.
"I love you, you know that right?" She said seriously.
Rick stepped closer to her clearly agitated.
"You brought me out here to ask me that? I'm not in the mood for games Michonne." Rick said trying his best to temper his anger.
"Given what we've just gone through, you think I would bring you out here for a joke?"
"Then why are we out here? What are you doing?"
"We are about to have a fight."
He looked up at her puzzled and breathing hard.
"Unfortunately for you, not your typical couple drama. I never liked arguing and yelling. My kind of fight is that I get out your frustrations, I get a good workout, and hopefully we can come to a favorable solution, but you won't fair too well I'm afraid."
"What?"
He barely saw her fist as it hit him squarely in his face. He almost went to the ground. He grabbed his nose and looked alarmingly at her.
"What the hell?" He said now glaring at her.
"That's what I'd like to know." Michonne said putting her guard up. "You've been pushing everyone around like it's your job." She snarled.
She lifted a leg and kicked him on one side and then the other. Not hard enough to crack ribs, but just enough to get his attention. He doubled over grunting in pain. She then hooked a foot behind his and pushed him to the ground.
"Michonne." He croaked out.
"We are all broken down, but we are not attacking each other. We all understand your pain, but you're starting to be a pain in the ass."
Rick could see the rage building up in Michonne's body language. She was crouched over like a professional boxer. Her guard was up and from the look of her, she could strike from any position. This is how she was when they first met that day she showed up at the prison. Hurt, but poised, ready to strike. A survivor of the first order. She could and would always be able to take care of herself.
He stood up straight, still confused, but starting to get upset. This is not the first time she had hit him out of the blue. He deserved that one, but this situation was different.
"Thunderation! Babe!" Abraham called out to Sasha as he watched Michonne and Rick in the lot across from their house. He pulled a chair up to the window, sat down and pulled out a cigar.
"What is it?" Sasha asked walking up to the window.
"Mom and Dad are fighting, and we got ring side seats. This should be good."
"In the state Rick's in, he doesn't stand a chance." Sasha said sitting down on the arm of the chair Abraham was sitting in. "He won't hit her back will he?"
"No he won't, but he better be real good at blocking 'cuz she looks like she's about to open up that can of whup ass he's been earning."
"You want to fight me?" Rick said with a hint of confrontation.
"Don't give me that 'do you know who you're screwing with' line. I know full well who, and no Rick, I don't want to fight you, but I'm going to fight you." She said standing her ground in front of him with her guard up. "Personally, I don't think a woman is built to physically fight a man, but you're tired, not yourself, and I know how to fight a man."
"I won't hit you Michonne." He said watching her movements closely.
"I know, and not just because you're a good man, but because you won't be able to."
She punched him with a right/left combination that stunned him. He regained his balance and shook his head to clear it.
"This is ridiculous." He said attempting to move past her toward their house. She stuck out her foot again and down he went.
"Is it?"
"Why are you doing this?" He said quickly standing to his feet.
"Because you're lost in your feelings. I get it. I've been there, but we need you back right now. The man we follow. The man who fights to keep his family safe. Wherever your head is right now, and whoever you are, I'm willing to fight you for Rick Grimes. I will win because he is part of me, he's in my blood, and he's a winner, not this person standing in front of me now."
"Well that man has failed, and that failure has gotten one of us killed."
"And here we are." She said spreading out her arms pausing long enough to step back a few feet. She spoke calmly this time. "You will probably fail again. That's what humans do. Your failures are part of your victories and add to your experience. There's no how-to manual for what you have to do or what you need to do. You have done the impossible in an impossible world. You kept people alive that otherwise would be dead."
"The losses are too high. You saw what that man was like."
"Nothing worthwhile comes without a loss of some kind. We all paid a price to be where we are right now. We fought and bled to be here, and you led us to this place where we've had a chance to live."
She could see he was starting to get angry. Good, she thought, because she had been angry for the past two weeks. He took a deep breath to calm himself down.
"You don't understand." Rick said looking everywhere except her eyes.
"I don't understand?" She said punching him in his face again. "I lost my baby in this madness. That loss is greater than any other for anyone." Her voice was now raised again, and her breathing was fast. She stopped for a moment and stepped back again. "What you didn't know was that my boyfriend and his friend were high when our camp was overrun. My son died because they thought only of themselves." She started to cry, but maintained her fighting stance. "They could have protected him! Tell me what I don't understand about the loss you feel, the failure you feel." Tears began to fall from her eyes, but her hands stayed balled into fists. "I've been understanding since I first met you." She punched him with a right cross, and this time he went down. "I saw the pain you felt and I knew it because I had been there!" The tears continued to fall, but she did not bother to wipe them away. "You're not allowed to disappear again like you did at the prison, not this time." She put her guard up again and glared down at him. "Get up!" She yelled with a growl in her voice. The sound was so harsh he looked up at her, and for the first time since Glenn's death looked outside of himself and saw the pain he felt on her face. He finally understood.
He slowly got to his feet, and put up one open hand in front of his face to block another attack.
"I don't like this Michonne." He said quietly.
"You think I do? I'd rather be in bed with you right now with your arms around me than out here kicking your ass. We have the biggest threat to our home coming for us and we need you to do what you do best."
"Michonne, my decisions sometimes get people killed." He said with a plea in his voice.
"Unfortunately, that is the way war goes. We've been in a war for over 2 years now. First it was with the walkers, now it's with people who want what we have. It's all about survival now. You have already led us through a war zone. There were casualties along the way and there will be more." She finally wiped the tears from her eyes and moved closer to him. "Has anyone ever refused to follow you? Has anyone left us because following you might get them killed?"
Tears were sliding down her cheeks again and she angrily wiped them away.
"It's not within your power to keep anyone alive Rick, but you have cared for the safety of others with your 2 children in tow. I've seen you work out impossible situations and do what you needed to do to keep us alive. Always, the first one in, and the last one to leave. I know you didn't ask for this, but this is what you got. Just look at the lives you've saved. You placed us in your heart and called us your family."
She was very angry about his lack of forethought on how he treated those loyal to him, and she took it out on him. She punched him several times more between his gut and his face. She was so fast he couldn't block the punches. The last punch in his gut forced the air from his lungs. She stood close to him watching him gasping for his breath.
"I sometimes watch you sleep and I start to cry because your burden is so big." She choked back a sob. "Hershel told me once when he was helping me know you, said, 'from everyone to whom much has been given, much will be required; and to whom they entrusted much, of him they will ask all the more.' This is you all day, every day, and it is what you do, it's who you are." She paused giving herself a minute to regain her composure.
He shook his head refusing to hear what she was saying. Glenn's death left him angry and bitter, and quoting Hershel was not going to help.
"I'm done with this." He said attempting to stand so he could walk away.
"But I'm not."
She punched him again.
"You need to understand me and fix this or leave this place and leave us to it."
He was dumbfounded. Had she just asked him to leave Alexandria and her life? She punched him again and he tried his best to block her punches, but she was too fast for him.
"Michonne!" He said in frustration not knowing how to make her stop.
"You have an entire community counting on you." She said shoving his chest and tripping him. "We've been through some of the vilest situations together that none of us could ever imagine in our wildest dreams, and made it because of who you are. We're raising a young man who wants to look up to you, but he sees you disappearing right in front of his eyes again, and then you lash out at him for no reason. Once was enough for him to see you that way, and I won't have you picking on him no matter what the circumstance."
He slowly got to his feet thinking he could give her the slip, he grabbed her around her arms to subdue her. She head butt him, and it drove him back. That act made her head swim, but it was worth it. He grabbed his forehead and sat on the ground holding his forehead. His ears started ringing, and he fought hard not to go to that dark place on her. If Daryl hadn't been there at the prison when he and Tyreese fought, he would have killed Tyreese, but he loved her and would rather cut his arms off than hurt her.
"I understand the tremendous pressure on you, but don't forget that all of us are with you so you don't get to stand in the back of the room."
"I can't beat him. I've never seen anyone like him."
"Had you ever seen anyone like Joe, Gareth, the governor before? The only advantage they had over you was that they were willing and committed to going further than you were. What are you willing to do to beat this guy? Did you ever expect Shane to turn out the way he did?"
At the mention of Shane his eyes darted to hers and stayed there.
"Shane wanted what you had and was willing to take it from you at the cost of your life, and he was your best friend. No different than the others. No different than Negan. Negan's just a rabid dog who needs to be put down. Take his army away, and you just have a maladjusted crazy person holding a stick wrapped in barbed wire."
Rick was still not convinced and she knew it.
"Giving up now would be a dishonor to Glenn and what he meant to you, Maggie and this group. Negan may kill more of us, that's a given, or maybe we kill all of them, either way we can't do it without you. This world we live in needs you, and I know that's not the first time you've heard that."
Rick attempted to stand again, but she hit him square on the chin with an uppercut, and he fell on his back hard.
"Whoa!" Abraham shouted laughing. "Put some dirt on it Rick and walk it off."
Rick got to his knees shaking his head to clear it.
Michonne was sobbing again now, the fight was over, but she had more to say.
"In the morning, I'm expecting to wake up to the man I fell in love with and depend on. The leader I would follow onto a street full of walkers 20 deep. You were chosen for this, and you have gotten the lion's share of hard times to be sure, but what I most respond to in you is that you always try to do the right thing; that's why I will always follow you, even when sometimes I don't agree with you." She spoke quietly now and stood with her arms folded. She was breathing hard and still crying. "Hard times take more faith than any of us possess on our own Rick. Hershel tried to tell you that. This has hit us hard, the most difficult thing we've ever had to face. Have faith and move forward. Make your plan to defeat this bastard."
She stood over him and he looked up at her and all he wanted to do was hold her. At that moment he could not have been more proud of her. He would follow her into a crowd of walkers too, and even farther.
"Are we clear?" She said tilting her chin up.
"Yes." He said getting up from the ground looking more tired than when they started. "Are you done?" He asked moving his jaw from side to side.
"That depends on you."
He held up his hands in surrender.
"And don't ever tell me that I don't understand." She said with a sob in her voice.
"Michonne." He said softly attempting to touch her.
She slapped his hand away, and he understood that it had cost her to fight him.
"You owe Carl an apology." She said turning and walking back to their house.
"Winner and still champeen, Michonne the man-handler!" Abraham said laughing. "Love is a battlefield son!"
Sasha gave Abraham a quick nudge and smiled.
Rick walked away in the opposite direction and around the block taking in what Michonne had said. Of course she was right. She has always told him the truth. The best interest of their family was always a priority to her. She loved him more than anyone ever has, and it's the kind of love that fits this new world they live in. Her love is strong and unrelenting. Worth risking all for.
Rick walked over to the armory and found Daryl looking over the weapons they had left. Daryl took one look at Rick's face and winced.
"What did you learn?" Daryl asked.
"You saw that?"
"Yeah. I knew it was just a matter of time. Somebody had to do it, I'm just glad it was her, and that's she's on our side. She loves you man."
"I know."
"You got a plan yet?"
"Not yet. Come to the house in the morning and we'll talk."
Rick left the armory and went home. When he got there, Carl was at the kitchen table reading a comic. Carl eyed his father as he sat down in front of him. Carl frowned when he saw the bruises and bloody lip on his father's face. It had been a while since he'd seen his father's face like that. He was expecting another reprimand from him, but noticed that behind the bruises, his face was not as harsh as it had been recently. It was his dad, the man who has always been with him.
"Carl, I'm sorry for the way I was with you earlier. I was wrong for attacking you. I'm not angry with you, I'm angry with myself for letting fear get the better of me. I was feeling sorry for myself, forgetting that all of you are going through the same thing I am."
Carl got up and grabbed some ice from the freezer and dropped some cubes in a towel and handed it to Rick.
"We are warriors son, and Michonne is the Chief, don't ever forget that." Rick said gently pressing the compress to his jaw.
Carl smiled at his father.
"You just now finding that out?"
"No, but I think I forgot it for a moment." Rick said thinking back to the fight. "I love you, Judith and Michonne very much. I know sometimes I make mistakes, but it's hard to be able to do the right thing all the time. Protecting you and your sister is the most important thing to me and Michonne. We would die for you."
"I know Dad. I remember what you've had to do to protect me. I know it's not what you've wanted to do, but what you've had to do." Carl paused thinking if he should ask the next question. "Dad, did Michonne do that to your face?"
"This is only the half of it." Rick said recalling the fire in Michonne's eyes and the side kicks to his ribs. "Carl, I'm sorry you've had to see so many horrible things in your life. It broke my heart every time I watched you walking around with that gun and the holster nearly reaching the ground. You should have been playing soccer or some kind of game, instead you were following your off balance father across 2 states. Your mother and I wanted a different life for you, but now I'm glad it went the way it did because you can survive in this world, and I trust you with my life."
"Dad, what are we going to do about Negan?"
"Take care of him, permanently."
Carl nodded.
Rick stood and kissed the top of his son's head.
"I love you son. I'm going to bed, Michonne gave me a lot to think about, and it hurts all over."
"Dad, try not to fight with Michonne again. You didn't hit her did you?"
Rick was shocked that Carl would think that.
"Of course not. Why would you think that?"
"Seeing the way you look, and the fact that she came in crying and ran right up the stairs, I thought maybe you hurt her."
"I would never hit any woman son, especially Michonne."
"I knew it Dad, but I had to check."
Rick went back to the table to sit in front of Carl. He needed to address what had happened between him and Michonne.
"Son, you've seen how I've been lately. I was very sad about Glenn and the threat we face. Nothing no one said could have gotten me out of what I was feeling. Everyone has tried. Michonne thought of a way to help me. She knew I was tired and unhappy. She also knew I wouldn't hit her back. Nothing could make me do that."
"So it worked then?"
"Yes, I believe it did." Rick said smiling carefully because of his split lip.
"Okay Dad, I understand."
"Good. Don't stay up too late."
"I won't."
Rick wearily climbed the stairs and stood quietly in the doorway of the bedroom he shared with Michonne. He never liked seeing her cry. It meant her hurt and frustration were bigger than she could hold inside. He looked at her fine form underneath the sheets on the bed. She was probably sleeping. He went and sat down on the bed beside her. He glanced at Judith on the baby monitor, and noted how she sleeps on her back the way he and Carl do. He smiled and looked back at Michonne. He was the most fortunate man in this new world. He wanted to touch her, and after a few moments he did. He ran his hand from her hip up to her waist. She moved slightly to his touch.
"I apologized to Carl." He said suddenly nervous. "I owe you one too. I'm sorry. You were right about everything, I guess I just needed to, ah, feel it."
Michonne rolled onto her back and sat up in the bed drawing her legs up and wrapping her arms around her legs. He leaned against her legs and could see from the moonlight spilling into the room that she had been crying. He ran a hand over her locks and then gently pulled her head close to his and whispered, "I'm so sorry."
"You look terrible." She said wiping the tears from her eyes. She reached over and turned on the lamp next to the bed, and got up and went to the bathroom for a wet towel. She came back to the bed and started wiping the blood from his face.
"Does this mean you're not still angry with me?" He said looking at her face as she attended to his.
"Oh I'm still angry with you, but I love you more than I'm angry." She leaned forward and hooked a finger under his chin turning his face towards her. "You are in my blood Rick Grimes and I feel you. What I did out there just now, that was for you. If I didn't love you, I would have let you crash and burn. I told you when we agreed to help Hilltop with the saviors that this was going to be a fight. You said we would win and I believed you. I still do. Don't lose sight of that. We can do it, but you need to be on your game. We play this smart and together. "
He nodded and let himself continue to bathe in the encouragement and love in her eyes.
"I heard what you said to Carl. He needed to hear those things from you."
"You'd be surprised at the clarity that comes when a man gets cold cocked by the woman he loves. I didn't like it, but I did deserve it."
She leaned forward and he joined her in a kiss.
"Tough love baby, tough love." She whispered kissing him again.
"The toughest." He said wincing when she dabbed his busted lip.
"If it makes you feel any better, had you been on your 'A' game and not so tired, I never would have been able to best you."
He turned and grabbed her hips sliding her down so she lay flat on her back. He leaned in hovering over her. His face took on a seriousness that took away her smile.
"You can best me 'A' game or not, and on your worse day. You disarm me every time I look into your eyes. You can get whatever you want from me, you know that."
A tiny smiled graced her lips.
"Hold that thought." He said smiling back. I'm going to go take a shower, I've been playing in the dirt."
She smiled as she watched him go into the bathroom and undress.
"Feel free to join me." He called out.
He was back.