Letters I never sent you
Dear Castle,
It hurts all the time. I can't run, I can't walk, I can't even get off the couch further than the bathroom or my bed. It hurts so much I can't think. I can barely get dressed in a robe. I can't stop looking at the wound, and every time I do I panic.
I remember everything. I couldn't tell you that, in the hospital. I can't get past the pain in my chest. I can't even write more than this.
Kate
Dear Castle,
I'm sorry I sent you away in the hospital. I wish I hadn't. But it hurt too much and I couldn't deal with how you looked at me. I can't carry your pain too. There's too much of my own.
I heard you. I heard you screaming my name as I fell. I heard you screaming I love you. But I hear the crack of the bullet and the pain slamming into me and I can't separate them from your words. I can't deal with any of it. It hurts all the time.
I'm still looking at the black stitches in my chest and the wound. I still can't walk more than a few steps at a time. I can't get dressed because I can't raise my arms. I can't sleep properly because I'm reliving it every night. It all hurts so much I can't get over it. I can't help your pain. I can't even help my own.
Kate
Dear Kate
I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I'm sorry I didn't move fast enough. I'm sorry you almost died because I wasn't good enough, fast enough, wasn't a better partner. Is that why you told me not to come back, that you'd call me?
I haven't been back to the precinct. I can't face them, knowing I wasn't good enough. Montgomery's dead and you nearly followed him and it was all my fault. Josh punched me, after he saved you. I deserved it. I hope he's with you, taking care of you.
I haven't tried to find you because I can't bear to see you. I love you. I've loved you for much longer than you'll ever know, but I never said it when you could hear me. I can't bear to be sent away again. So I'll stay away, until you call me, even though all I want is to come to you. I couldn't bear to see the disappointment in your eyes that I didn't save you. Josh saved you, right there on the operating table. He's a better man than I am. He'll be good for you.
Remember I loved you.
Rick
Dear Castle,
I broke up with Josh before I came out of hospital. I couldn't tell you that either. It's the only thing that hasn't hurt since the bullet hit me. He was upset. I couldn't bring myself to care. He said it was your fault I was shot. He said he should have known that I'd never really be with him. He said he couldn't compete with you. I told him to get out. I told him it wasn't your fault. It was never your fault. But he could never compete with you. You were right. I was just hiding. I never loved him. I didn't feel anything when he left. Not like when you left. But I can't deal with everything. Right now, I can't deal with anything. It's been two weeks since I came here and I'm no better than the first night.
I heard you in the cemetery. I just can't handle what you said. Don't hate me. I just can't speak to you right now.
Kate
Dear Castle
It's been four weeks now. I can walk a few more steps. I still can't raise my arms properly. The hole where the bullet hit is still red and open and angry. I have to re-dress it every other day and every time I do I remember dying.
I sent my dad away. I don't want him. I don't want anyone. I hate being this weak. Every time a twig snaps I panic. Every time the sun flashes on the glass I panic. Everything brings it all back. I remember everything. Every second, every sight, every sound. I can't forget a thing. I still can't sleep because of the dreams. I can't…I can't do anything.
I shouldn't have sent you away. And now I can't ask you to come back. I don't want you to see me like this. You followed me around because I was strong. Kicking ass and catching killers. Nikki Heat's strong. I can't be that woman. I'm not the woman you think you're in love with. I heard you. But I'm not that woman any more.
I don't want you to pity me. I can't deal with your disappointment in me when you see how weak I am. I can't deal with you loving me. I can't deal with you not loving me. I can't bear to find out which is true.
Kate.
Dear Kate,
Esposito called today. He wanted to know if I'd heard from you. He said that no-one's heard from you. Not even Lanie. They're worried about you. I'm worried about you. Esposito said that Lanie told him that Josh is on shift at the hospital. If he's there, who's looking after you? Please tell me you're not on your own somewhere?
Even if I wanted to go back to the precinct, I couldn't. I can't face the guilt, and anyway there's a new Captain who doesn't believe in civilians. So even when you get back, I won't be there. The boys will look after you. God knows, I haven't been able to. You died. I watched you die. I can't forgive myself for letting you die in front of me. I never even told you I loved you till I let you die. Other people brought you back. I couldn't.
I love you. But I'm not good enough for you. You deserve better.
Remember I loved you.
Rick.
Dear Castle
I've been here for six weeks. I can walk from my bed to the living room now, without having to stop and lean against the wall. Maybe in another week I'll be able to do it both ways. I still don't sleep right. I've only slept properly last night. I dreamed of you, and for the first time I didn't hear the bullet hit too. The bullet hole is only just beginning to heal, but the scar will be there for ever. I still can't raise my arms fully. I want to go running. I want to spar in the gym. I won't be able to do any of that for months yet, the doctors say. I'm too damaged.
I know that Espo, Lanie and Ryan want to get in touch. I can't speak to them. I can't speak to anyone. I know I'm not returning their calls. I'm too scared. I can't tell Esposito that I flinch every time there's a snapped branch or a slammed door in the wind. He's an army man. He'll know I'm a coward. And I am. I can't tell Ryan that I'm scared of being out in the noise of a New York street. He's a good cop. I'm not any sort of a cop, right now. And I can't face Lanie over a corpse. Not when I so nearly was one. I can't talk to a person who autopsies bodies that I could have been. I hope you're with them. They'll be good for you.
I don't turn my phone on in case you call. I can't speak to you. I heard you say you loved me but I can't say it back. It all hurts too much. It's easier not to think about it. I told you I was a coward. If I were braver I'd call you. I miss you so much.
Kate.
Dear Castle,
I haven't spoken to anyone in three weeks, since my dad left. I'm not sure what I could say to anyone, anyway. Hello, I'm Kate, I nearly died last month? Hello, I'm Kate, I used to be a cop? Hello, I'm Kate, don't worry if I panic if a car backfires, it just reminds me of being shot last month? It's not exactly a good foundation for a chat, is it?
I'll never post any of these letters. You'll never see them. So I can write the absolute truth. I miss you. I want to call you. I want you to be here, making up your ridiculous theories about the people who live here and probably about the squirrels in the woods. I remember everything. I remember the look in your eyes when I said I'd found a place to stand and someone to stand with. I meant you. I was all ready to step forward with you, and see what we could be together, and then someone shot me. Now I'll never be ready.
I remember everything. I remember you diving towards me and the terror on your face, but I was already falling with a bullet in my chest. It wasn't your fault. No-one can outsprint a bullet. I was the cop. I protected civilians. It wasn't your job to protect me, and yet so many times you have. It wasn't your fault.
I remember everything. I remember you screaming you loved me. I've written that before. I think I already knew that, but I wasn't ready to admit it. Now I can't tell you I know, because I'm not that woman any more. I can't ask you to heal my damage, because I can't carry on if you can't do it. I know you'd try. I don't know that you'd be doing it because you loved me as I am now or because you loved me as I was. It won't work if you do it out of pity. I guess I'm really saying that I'm too scared to find out which it would be.
I still panic. I can't count the number of times in a day I start or flinch or cower away from an unexpected noise. Sometimes I scream. I have to get through it somehow. Maybe when the physical wound heals. It still hurts, but it's not as bad. The stitches have nearly dissolved. I only need to dress it every fourth day now. I can walk without stopping, inside the house. I don't go out much, only on to the porch. My dad left me months of food, but I'm not hungry. I eat so my body heals, but it all tastes the same. I can't walk in the woods because the noises spook me.
Most often, I dream about the bullet and it's all tied up with you screaming you love me. I can't separate them. I can't think of you without the bullet coming between us. It hurts to think of you. I can't call you because I know if I ask you'll come, but what if when I saw you all I did was panic and run? I can't let that happen. So I'm not calling, because if I call I'll beg you to come and then I'll hurt you. One of us this hurt is enough.
Kate.
Dear Kate
It's been eight weeks and no-one's heard from you. If I wasn't so scared to speak to him, I'd call your father to find out where you are. But he likely blames me too, and I can't cope with the disappointment in his eyes. It would be too much like looking at you. I miss you. That sounds trivial and pathetic, like you're away on vacation. There's a hole in my life where you ought to be. Guess there always will be, now.
I never realised how much I loved you till you weren't there. It's too late to do anything about it. If you'd wanted to talk or to see me, you'd have called. I guess you never felt the same way.
Maybe you didn't hear me. Perhaps that would be best anyway. Maybe if you didn't hear me I can still hope that you'll feel the same as I do. I don't really believe you didn't hear me, but it's all I have to cling to.
All my love, Rick
Dear Castle
Another two weeks have gone by. It still hurts, but I can work around it. I can't work around what you said. It's standing in front of me, it's the elephant in the room. Who am I kidding? The elephant isn't what you feel. It's what I feel. I was all ready to love you back, before I was shot. Now I don't know if I can. I can't separate you from the bullet by myself. I've booked sessions with a therapist, for when I come back to the city. Maybe that'll help. I want to feel the same about you as you do for me. I should tell you this, but I can't. Every time I think about calling it gets harder to explain why I didn't call before. You probably think I've dropped you. I haven't.
When I come back to Manhattan, maybe I'll have the nerve to call you. I guess you won't want to speak to me, the way I've been silent. I'm so sorry. It just all hurts too much still. I can't do it. I can't tell you I love you. Even though I do.
Love Kate
Dear Kate
I heard you've come back to Manhattan from Espo, and you're going back to the Twelfth next month. You still haven't called me, and I guess you aren't going to.
Even when you go back, I won't be able to work with you again. I can't be by your side, if there isn't some hope that one day you'll feel the same as I do. Right now, I don't think there is, and anyway, I've already said that you deserve a better man. Someone who can save you when you need it.
So, Kate, this is my goodbye. I love you. I probably loved you the moment I saw you, but it took a while for me to realise. I love you, but I can't stay if you don't love me.
Goodbye, Kate.
Love Rick.
To anyone following Perchance to Dream, this got in the way. Sorry.
Please review - I really want to know what you all think. I'm not sure this works.