'The Jedi called Oz'
Or
'How I learned to stop worrying and love the prequel trilogy'
Partially inspired by 'Mr Jodo and The Lord of the Bounty Hunting', by Chriseis Fett.
For nearly forty years the Original Trilogy has given faithful service to the Young in Heart; and Time (and George Lucas' re-masterings) have been powerless to put its kindly philosophy out of fashion.
To those of you who have been faithful to it in return... and to the Young in Heart --- we dedicate this story . . .
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, young Luke Skywalker, and his little droid Artoo, leapt breathlessly from Luke's land speeder and ran towards the Lars homestead.
"Aunt Beru! Aunt Beru!" cried Luke desperately. "Aunt Beru, Uncle Owen, where are you?"
"Beep doodely beep." Advised Artoo.
"Oh, you're right, Artoo!" Agreed Luke. "They must be seeing to the new droids." He rushed down to the main courtyard of the homestead, but before the young farmboy could get anywhere else he crashed headlong into Artoo's counterpart droid, See-Threepio.
"Good morning, master Luke!" The golden droid said in his cheery manner. "Where are you rushing off to?"
"Oh, good morning, Threepio. I'm just looking for my Aunt and Uncle, have you seen them?"
"I'm afraid not, master Luke."
Just then, Luke's Aunt appeared from within the kitchen, with his uncle following. They were checking off the morning's moisture levels.
"Fifty-seven at the southern evaporator." Said Aunt Beru. "That's a drop from last week."
"It's been dropping the whole darn month." Replied Uncle Owen grouchily. "Mean's there's a sandstorm coming, I know it."
"I hope not. Do you really think so?" Asked Aunt Beru concernedly. Luke interrupted hotly before Uncle Owen could reply.
"Aunt Beru! Just listen to what those Jawas did to Artoo!"
"Luke, please, we're trying to count the moisture levels!" Reprimanded Uncle Owen.
"Oh, but Uncle Owen, they hit him with some electrical charge from one of their blasters, and they-"
"Not now, Luke!"
Luke stopped talking. He could see it was no use; his aunt and uncle just never had any time for him anymore.
He walked away sadly, to stand at his favourite spot just outside the homestead. It was a nice place to watch the twin sunset from. The sky would melt right through the spectrum, from lightest blue to a heavy purple, just on the horizon.
But at the moment in was mid-morning, and the sky was clear blue, with no cloud in sight. It was also extremely hot. So hot that Luke couldn't understand how anyone could be wearing a suit of armour.
But a man was. Right in front of him, shimmering out of the hot air, a figure covered in green armour walked towards the Lars homestead, stopping in front of Luke.
A cold, mechanical voice radiated from the figure, from a mouth behind a black, T-shaped visor.
"I'm looking for Obi-Wan Kenobi."
"Who?" Asked Luke. Artoo, still at his heels, beeped anxiously.
"Not now, Artoo." Said Luke. He turned back to the strange man. "I'm sorry, I don't know anyone called Obi-Wan Kenobi. Do you mean old Ben Kenobi? He's a strange old hermit who lives in these parts."
The sun glittered off the T-shaped visor. "Old Ben Kenobi? That sounds promising. Do you know whereabouts he can be found?"
"Sure, just beyond the Dune Sea! Right in the middle of the desert. Pretty brainless place to live, if you ask me. And it's quite a way from here. I think if you keep heading in that direction you'll get there. My Uncle Owen will know for sure. Do you want me to ask him?"
"That won't be necessary. I'll find this Kenobi sooner or later. Thank you for your time." He nodded curtly, and turned away from Luke, trudging off into the desert as if there was nothing bizarre about his exchange with Luke at all.
"Wait!" Cried Luke. "What do you want with him, anyway?"
The man turned back towards him, saying nothing for a moment.
"There's a bounty on his head." He eventually replied, coldly. Luke noticed, his stomach lurching, the blaster the man carried.
The bounty hunter retreated into the sand. Luke watched him go, a worried look on his face. Uncle Owen came up from the homestead and asked what was wrong.
"I think a bounty hunter's going to kill Old Ben Kenobi! He just asked me for directions."
Uncle Owen looked at him levelly. "You're going to find out, one day, that not all men have a heart as big as yours, Luke."
"But Old Ben! I have to go help him!"
"Don't you worry about Kenobi. I think he can look after himself."
"But I want to help! I'm brave enough, don't think I'm not!" Cried Luke passionately.
"Luke, I know you're brave. You've got more courage than some of the greatest generals in the galaxy. But courage isn't the issue here. You're to stay and help with the farm." Uncle Owen said with finality, and went back into the homestead.
Luke looked after him, his eyes blazing. Threepio fidgeted nervously.
"One day I'll get away from here." Said Luke vehemently. "I'll go farther than Mos Eisley. Farther than this planet. I'll get a ship, and take off, and go wherever I want to in this galaxy, and maybe farther than that as well. I'll go over the twin suns."
Threepio began to say something, but Artoo shushed him quickly. The little blue droid could sense when a musical moment was approaching.
Luke opened his mouth, and began to sing, a faraway look in his eyes.
"Somewhere, over the twin suns
Up in heaven
There's a place that I heard of
Once on the Holovision
Somewhere, over the two suns
Space is black
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Won't just mean jack
Someday I'll wish upon those stars
And wake up where this farm is far behind
me
Where troubles melt like icey cubes,
Away above these sandy dunes,
That's where you'll find me.
Somewhere, over the twin suns, starships fly.
Ships fly over the twin suns,
Why then -- oh, why can't I?
If happy little starships fly
Beyond the twin suns
Why then, oh, why can't I?"
Luke ended his song abruptly, as a party of Jawas arrived, accompanied by marching imperial stormtroopers.
"Hutini! Hutini!" The Jawas cried excitedly, gesturing to Artoo Detoo. Luke bit his lip.
"Alright, alright," said the leading storm trooper to the Jawas, and approached Luke, "you have to hand over that droid."
"What? No! Aunt Beru! Uncle Owen! Come up here!" Cried Luke.
"What's all this yelling about?" Said Aunt Beru, when she and Uncle Owen got up to the surface.
"What are all these troopers doing here?" Asked Uncle Owen.
"Sir, we've been informed that that droid is stolen property, and rightfully belongs to these Jawas." The leading trooper informed them.
"That's poodoo! We bought them fair and square." Said Luke.
"Hutini!" Said a Jawa.
"He says you took three but only paid for two, sir." Translated the trooper.
"We paid for two droids but one was faulty. This droid was a replacement!" Cried Luke.
"Settle down, Luke." Said Aunt Beru. "We don't want to cause any trouble."
"Those Jawas are the troublemakers. Artoo is ours, and I'm not giving him up!"
"Luke, be quiet! We'll give Artoo up if we have to." Said Uncle Owen with the same finality in his voice as their had been earlier, and Luke knew it was hopeless.
"Alright," he said sadly, "Let me just go and get a restraining bolt for him."
Artoo beeped loudly.
"You mind your language, Artoo Detoo!" Said Threepio.
"Come on." Said Luke, and he took Artoo and Threepio back inside the homestead, leaving his Aunt and Uncle up with the others.
"Oh, master Luke, will you really surrender Artoo? I'd be very upset to lose him; we've been through so much together you see." Pleaded See Threepio as they moved into the garage area.
"Don't be crazy Threepio. I'm not giving Artoo away. We've got to run away -- quick!We're going to escape!" Said Luke determinedly, uncovering his Uncle's speeder from under a sheet.
"I don't think that's a very good idea-" began Threepio, but Luke was already lifting Artoo into the speeder.
"Come on, Threepio, or those Jawas might take you instead!" Said Luke. The protocol droid accepted defeat, and climbed into the speeder too.
They sped away over the desert before anyone, not the storm troopers, nor the Jawas, nor Aunt Beru nor even Uncle Owen realised what Luke had done.
Unfortunately, the sandstorm Uncle Owen had predicted earlier that day, struck at that very moment.
The wind began to howl. The sand began to move. Luke was forced to stop the speeder.
"I really think we should return to the farm, master Luke!" Cried Threepio.
"Beep woo beep!" Concurred Artoo.
"I think you two are right." Said Luke. "But how will we find our way back?"
"Beep dilly beep." Said Artoo.
"Artoo suggests returning along the way we came."
"Of course!"
Luke reversed the speeder along their exact previous route, and eventually they got back to the homestead, but nobody was there.
"Aunt Beru! Uncle Owen!"
By now the two suns had been blotted out by the raging winds, the sand had been whipped into a frenzy, and Luke did not know what to do. He tried to get in, but the doors had been barricaded against the storm, and would not move.
"Oh no! Aunt Beru! Aunt Beru! Let me in!" Luke called through the door desperately, but it was no use.
He struggled back through the merciless wind to the speeder, and tried to huddle down in it, the droids with him.
Before long the wind became so strong the speeder was picked up, and tossed about in the storm.
"We're not on the ground anymore, Artoo!" spluttered Luke.
They were not the only things picked up in the storm. The Jawas and the stormtroopers had been too, along with other droids and tusken raiders that opened fire when Luke saw them.
Another speeder shot past, a bike, with an old, dignified looking man sitting astride it. He cackled as he flew by Luke and the droids, igniting a red laser sword.
Luke yelled out in terror, and clung to the speeder. Artoo tried to whistle bravely. Threepio just cried.
The speeder whirled through the sky-spinning madly-Luke yelling-sand everywhere-Threepio crying-more sand-faster-faster-sand-CRASH.
Luke awoke to the sound of Artoo beeping in wonder, and Threepio's 'oh my!'. The storm had passed on. The sky was bright blue, and there was no sand. No sand at all.
Luke sat up, and looked around. They were in a lush field of grass, not too far from the edge of a forest. A beautiful city was visible in the distance. There was nobody else around as far as he could see. No Uncle Owen or Aunt Beru, no Jawas or storm troopers, no homestead. Nothing familiar to Luke at all.
"Artoo, I've a feeling we're not on Tatooine anymore."
"Why do you always talk to Artoo and not me?" Muttered Threepio. Luke ignored him.
"Why, we must be over the twin suns!"
Artoo beeped in wonder. Along with musical moments, he could also tell when epic adventures were about to occur.