June 17th, 2009
The house was unusually quiet. I could hear the drip, drip, drip of the leaky faucet in the bathroom. I could hear the steady tick-tock of the grandfather clock at the bottom of the stairs. For the first time in weeks, I could actually hear my own thoughts, my own sighs. I should have been relaxed. I should have been enjoying the empty house, the few moments of peace I was given during this hectic time.
Instead, I felt like screaming.
I sat motionless in the middle of my bedroom floor, one foot curled under me as I stared up at the immaculate wedding gown hanging from my closet door. An overwhelming heaviness seemed to pulse through my veins and slow down my every breath. The snowy white satin and lace sparkled with intricately placed beading from bodice to floor. A bright, red sash cinched at the waist and bled down the back of the train in a beautiful design that matched a tropical sunset. The dress was absolutely exquisite.
"Come on, Boo. You know you'll get married in flip flops and jeans."
A tear rolled down my cheek, but I didn't move to swipe it away. It was pointless. More would surely follow. I blinked slowly, my mind pulling up a perfect memory of a childish conversation from my past. The shadow of his lanky form danced in my periphery, pulling faces of mockery as he placed my high school tiara atop his sandy, auburn locks. His footsteps ghosted behind me, and I almost felt his body topple onto my bed.
"When we get married, we're doing it on the beach. Board shorts and tank tops. You'll be in a bikini of course."
We'd always talked like that. We'd always spoke of our wedding, of our future like it was something set in stone. Like it was destiny.
My eyes moved slowly across the room. Not much had changed since I'd left home. All of my childhood memories were still sprawled across the walls: trophies and banners, pictures and high school mascots. It had all been beautifully preserved like a shrine, a tomb for the young and innocent Bella Swan.
"I can't do this anymore, Bella. It meant nothing. You meant nothing."
A tremble racked my body, and I closed my eyes against the sob attempting to burst from my chest. This room, this house… this town. It all held the ultimate highs and devastating lows in my short life. The ghost-like memories of our laughter mingled with the gut-wrenching sobs he'd caused so long ago.
Now that the house was quiet… now that I was alone, the weight of the emotional phantoms in my past were crashing into my body with monumental force.
"Hello, Bella."
The shock of hearing his voice barely registered. I didn't flinch. I didn't scream. His voice belonged here just as much as my own. I simply turned my upper body towards his voice and stared at him through my watery eyes.
He looked just as devastatingly beautiful today as he did the last day I'd seen him. His tall, lean frame was propped casually against my doorjamb, and his arms were crossed lazily across his chest. The definitive lines of his jaw and cheekbones had become more defined, more manly over the years. But beneath it all, he was still my Masen.
There was a twinkle of emotion behind his piercing gaze, and I found myself transfixed instantly. He sent me a lazy, lopsided grin, and I felt my own cheeks plump in return.
"Hello, Edward," I whispered.
My voice was much weaker than I'd thought. I hadn't expected my words to come out in a meek whisper. I'd wanted to be forceful. I'd wanted to sound angry, or aloof. Instead, I sounded weak.
He moved through my bedroom with painful ease, making a beeline for his regular spot on the old beanbag chair in the corner. His steps were slow, measured as he scanned the room, taking in our memories. The corner of his lips twitched once or twice as he caught sight of something, but he never allowed any true emotion touch his features.
That is, until he turned to face my closet door. I watched as a deep scowl pulled at his lips and lines creased his brow with the sight of my wedding dress. My heart thumped in my chest painfully, and I held my breath against his reaction. His fingers curled slowly until two fists rested against his heaving chest, and I feared for a moment that he'd punch the wall.
After a few moments of painful silence, Edward's body relaxed. His fingers spread once again over his biceps, and a smug smile tugged at his lips. He nodded quickly towards the dress before turning away from me to look out the window.
"Nice dress," he said, and I felt a familiar twinge of pain in my stomach.
"Thanks," I mumbled, pulling myself from the floor finally and walking over to close the closet door. I knew he hadn't meant it as a compliment. I knew he'd only been trying to hurt me, to point out my hypocrisy.
The gentle click of the closing closet door echoed throughout the room, and I suddenly couldn't hear the drip of the faucet or the ticking of the clock. The rest of the house had gone painfully silent, and all I could hear was the deep breaths that filled Edward's lungs… the shuffle of his feet against the carpet. Edward's presence wiped away everything but me and him…
Not much has changed, I thought, closing my eyes. For years, my world- my days and night, my every waking and sleeping thought- revolved around Edward. I leaned my forehead against the cool wood of the door, and took a few calming breaths. If I was going to keep a steady frame of mind, I needed to calm myself down. I needed to remember that this wasn't the man I'd grown up with, the man I'd loved for so long. He made that abundantly clear the day he left.
"Bella."
This time, I did jump. Edward's words brushed over my bare shoulder, the heat of his presence directly behind me only coming after he spoke. He had moved to stand behind me, to block me from escaping. I shivered as his presence washed over me, pulled me closer by a fraction of an inch.
"I've missed you, Bella," he admitted, running a finger slowly down the length of my arm. "I've missed talking to you. Hearing your laugh. Drying your tears. I've missed it all so much."
My mind screamed at me to run, begged me to flee from his web. I'd heard this all before. I'd felt his tender touches and passionate kisses hours before he'd yanked his love away with the revelation of his treachery. My mind knew it was all a game. But, my heart… my heart kept me rooted to the spot, had me leaning into his touch like a prisoner leaning towards freedom. His delicate touch left a blazing heat in its wake, and my body trembled.
"Please tell me you've missed me, too."
"I-I have, Edward," I stuttered, and with strength I didn't know I had, I took a step away from him. "But that doesn't change anything. I'm… I'm getting married tomorrow."
His hands tightened around my shoulders, and I was quickly spun around so that we were face to face. My eyes automatically snapped shut in a childish attempt to block him out. If I couldn't see him then he couldn't hurt me, right?
"Look at me, Bella," he demanded in a whisper. He nudged my chin up with his pointer finger, but I didn't open my eyes. "Look me in the eyes, and tell me you're happy with him."
I shook my head, and another tear slipped from my eyes. "I'm getting married, Edward. Don't do this to me now. You've had six years for this."
With such tenderness that my heart ached, Edward cupped my cheeks in his hands and pulled my face up once again. "Look at me. Boo, just tell me you're happy."
Boo.
My eyes opened slowly, meeting his gaze once again, and I felt my heart sputter at the emotions swimming in his stare. Such intensity. Such pain. Such anguish. Such lust. Such love. There was too much emotion.
He leaned forward, and brushed his lips tentatively across mine once, twice.
My heart healed instantly only to crumble to pieces moments later. A devastatingly painful process I'd lived through for years after we left Forks. Every phone call, every text message, every greeting sent through the grapevine was a bittersweet reminder of the man I'd known… And the silence in between was the reminder of the man I'd created.
"Are you happy, Boo?" he whispered against my lips while his thumb brushed away the tears sliding down my cheeks.
I met his gaze head on, taking in every change in him compared to the young boy I'd first met before my senior year of high school. The once timid, geeky new kid was gone. The man before me had too much confidence, too much bravado to be my Edward. His eyes searched my face for an answer, for a crack in the mask of happiness I'd created so long ago. After a moment or two, a painfully smug smirk tugged at his lips, and I knew. I knew that he'd seen through me. He'd found the answer he'd been looking for. Found the truth behind my web of lies even though those closest to me hadn't.
The last shred of restraint I had snapped when his lips once again pressed into mine, and I pushed my body fully into his embrace… into his love.
Even if it was an act, even if I was left broken and alone later, I would take whatever Edward I could get.
Because, after all, I'd created it.