Disclaimer: The characters belong to Tess Gerritsen, Janet Tamaro and TNT.
That Morning Had Been Special
That morning had been special. It was special in that we were together, our bodies rocking as they always did, but special in the respect that it was us. Otherwise it was an ordinary morning. After making love we cuddled, her head on my shoulder. We never got enough of touching each other, wanting to feel the other's body. We were like that even when we were friends. Now that we were lovers the need for each other was tense, fierce. We were insatiable.
The events of that morning changed everything. What brought me to her cost me her love. I am only half the woman I was before. I cannot be healed. I will never feel this way again.
I look into the mirror, see the new me, the haggard face, black circles underneath my eyes that speak volumes about all the missed sleep. My hair is limp, coarse. I rarely eat anything. I see no one.
She's gone, out of my life. She doesn't want to see me anymore. Her home has sold; the new owners are set to move in this weekend. I cannot make myself drive over there anymore yet I can't stand to stay away. Even though I know she's gone.
The door opens and the bailiff stands there. "Let's go, Rizzoli." I follow her out of the restroom and into the courtroom via the back door. It's my sentencing day. I don't care one way or another, really. Maura is gone and I can't get her back. What happens to me now is inconsequential.
"All rise," the bailiff announced. We stood then sat as the judge took her seat. She glanced over at me briefly.
"Will the defendant please stand," the bailiff announced. I stood, my attorney with me. He put his arm around my back but I didn't need him.
"Jane Clementine Rizzoli you are sentenced to one year three months in the state prison. Due to the nature of your crime time off for good behavior will not be allowed." The gavel came down. The bailiff and another officer approached; I held out my wrists. A scream came from the gallery. That would be Ma. I turned slightly, just enough to catch her eye. Ma was crying so hard she couldn't speak. Frankie tried to hold her but she was as fussy as a newborn.
"No, this is wrong, this can't be happening," Ma's voice continued behind me as I was led from the courtroom.
My cell is decent, I don't have a roommate. I read the newspaper in the morning after breakfast then head out into the exercise yard. After my hour is up I'm escorted back to my cell. The kid who runs the library cart leaves books in my bunk while I'm exercising. The newest one he has me reading is "Ninety nine years to life." It's an old book about the Loeb/Leopold case. As a former detective it's riveting reading. These two guys murdered a boy because they were curious about what it would be like to die. I could have told them people die everyday without the coroner being called. They still exist; still work but inside they're dead. Like me.
Ma comes to visit me the first Sunday I'm here. She doesn't look any better than she did in the courtroom. I'd like to tell her I'm sorry for putting her through this but I can't. I'm not sorry, the reason I was convicted was due to circumstances I couldn't help. I'd do everything all over again, the same way. I knew what could happen. It did. I'm here paying my debt to society.
Ma tells me Frankie is leaving the Boston PD. He's catching a lot of flak at work for having a sister locked up behind bars. It doesn't help him to have me here, especially since I was one of the top homicide detectives Boston ever had. I think a lot of people who hated me at work and couldn't get the best of me are going after Frankie. I tell Ma to tell him to man up; he's a good cop and shouldn't leave the force because of me.
My days take on a sameness that is typical of a prison stay. Monday through Friday everyone works their prison job then returns to their cell after dinner. Weekends are a little worse as in we don't work our jobs except for the kitchen help and sometimes we can't help remembering what we used to do on the weekends. Errands, housework, dinners and movies with friends and lovers, making love on the sofa because you can't quite make it to the bedroom, or taking her on the kitchen counter because you said you'd teach her to make gnocchi.
I don't wonder about Maura anymore, I don't have the right. When I shot her father, Paddy Doyle, I shot all of Maura's hopes and expectations for finding her biological mother. I didn't understand until the one night she granted me a chance to ask questions.
"You don't understand, Jane, when you shot and killed Paddy Doyle you shot my hopes for finding my birth mother. Now I'll never know who I really am, who she was and why she loved him. I will never be able to feel like I belong." Maura practically screamed at me.
I was stunned. "But my family adopted you, Maura, they love you. If anything ever happened to me they'd be there for you. Sometimes I think Ma loves you as a daughter more than me."
"No, Jane, your family isn't mine. Yes, I love them, but I don't belong to them."
It took me awhile to really understand this concept Maura had of wanting to belong to someone. I thought we had it all. She belonged to me and I belonged to her. We were a couple. But as we remained separated and not speaking to each other I finally understood her need to belong. I no longer belonged to her. Maura was raised as an outsider and now she'd never now that feeling of belonging to a family.
Twenty-six Sundays passed and Ma visited as usual. She learned what she could bring me and what she could not. If she could have found a way to pass her gnocchi through the glass wall that separated us she would have. I learned all the usual gossip from the neighborhood (Carla Talucci's colitis was back and Ma didn't have anymore of her Polynesian juice to sell her). Frankie was dating a new girl but Ma didn't particularly care for her. I smiled at this because I knew the girl hadn't been born yet that Ma thought worthy of her Frankie. When she wound down I asked her about Frost and Korsak. Ma avoided my eyes.
"What is it, Ma?"
"Korsak retired when your case came to trial. He said his testimony against you was enough to end his career. Frost transferred out. I think someone said he's living in San Francisco."
"So none of us are there anymore."
"True. I quit my job at the café of course because I couldn't stand listening to the comments Crowe made about you."
"Good old Crowe still mouthing off, I see."
Ma's voice trailed off. She seemed nervous. I looked at the clock. We had about twenty minutes left before Ma's visit ended for the week.
"Ma, what is it? You're scaring me."
Ma moved her hands over a folded piece of paper. "I wasn't sure if I should mention this or not, Jane."
"What is it?" I asked but somehow I knew.
"You have news of Maura?" I asked.
"She sent me a letter. Do you want me to read it to you?"
"Sure." Ma opened the letter. She hesitated a moment then looked at me before reading. "Are you sure?"
"Ma come on, don't leave me in suspense for a week."
Dear Angela,
I wish I could say what is truly in my heart. I know I left quickly and you probably had some questions for me but I couldn't stand to stay in Boston for one more moment. When Jane did what she did, she broke my heart. It's in a million little pieces Angela and I can't put it back together.
What I want to say to you is: thank you. Thank you for bringing me into your family and accepting me unconditionally. Given how I was raised I never felt the love of a family until I met the Rizzoli's. Now I know what that love feels like and I'll cherish it forever.
I won't be back to Boston anytime soon, Angela, in fact I don't expect to ever be in Boston again. I know Jane has been convicted and sent to prison for hiding my identity from her superiors and I am truly sorry for that. Jane is an excellent detective, one of the best Boston will ever see. She doesn't deserve to be punished.
Please tell Jane I wish her all the best. Please do not tell Jane where I am because I do not want to see her. When she's released from prison, keep her in Boston. There is nothing for her here with me.
I love you as a mother, Angela, as the only true mother I will ever know.
Love, Maura
Ma folded the paper over and slipped it into her purse. I had no words. I was glad Maura wrote to Ma so Ma could get some answers.
"Where is she, Ma?" I asked. Ma raised her eyebrows at me.
"So I'll know what city to avoid."
"San Francisco."
"Isn't that where Frost is?" I asked, surprised. Ma nodded.
"Frost said Maura got him the job at SFPD."
"Good."
"Time's up, Jane, I have to leave. I love you." I nodded and rose to return to my cell.
Three weeks later Frankie came to tell me Ma was really sick. She caught a cold and it went into pneumonia. He rushed her to the hospital late one night but she only got worse. Two days later she died. My grief intensified. Ma was gone. I felt truly alone.
I retreated into my thoughts. It wasn't difficult. I remembered all the Sunday dinners at Ma's home, made all the more special when Maura joined us. At first we were just friends, two women thrown together by the rigors of being a homicide detective and a chief medical examiner in a world almost exclusively male. I suspected I had feelings for Maura that went deeper than friendship when we went undercover at a lesbian bar but I never once believed Maura could have feelings for me. Why would I? She is a beautiful woman with money who could have her pick from anyone. The fact she chose me left me surprised and speechless for days.
Our first date came right after the case was closed. I arrested the wife and bartender for murder and accessory to murder and we went out to celebrate. Or that was how it was supposed to be. Most celebrations were at the Dirty Robber with all of our team but this turned out to be special.
I'd gone downstairs to the morgue to check on Maura. It was a paperwork kind of day. Maura needed to close out her files to send to the DA as the forensic evidence usually helped convict murderers more often than any other physical evidence.
I never confided to anyone that my heart fluttered when I went downstairs to see Maura. Not wanting to set myself up for bad news I downplayed my feelings as much as possible. I feared the day Maura would meet "the one" and get married. "The one" that would not be me.
She looked up and smiled at me as I walked through the morgue doors. That smile did me in every time. My heart raced a little more and I wondered if my face might not give away my feelings. And the way she said my name. Jane. It sounded plain to anyone else but not to my ears when Maura uttered it.
"Jane, I was about to call you. Shall we go out tonight and celebrate?"
"Sure, Maura. I'll mention it to Frost and Korsak, see if they want to join us at the Robber." Maura hesitated a moment. She gestured for me to follow her into her office. I sat on her sofa and watched her close the door. Uh oh, I remember thinking. Is she going to tell me she's met someone at one of her fancy charity galas?
Maura joined me on the sofa. She sat very close, probably closer than most friends but I didn't mind. We were always "handsy" with each other.
"No, Jane, I didn't say that correctly. May I take you out to dinner to celebrate closing the case?" Maura said. I studied her face.
"Sure, Maura, thank you."
"Dress up please. That green sheath you have in the back of your closet is perfect for tonight."
"Are we celebrating something other than the case, Maura?" I asked carefully. I practically held my breath.
"I've been wanting to say something to you for a long time now. I think we should start dating."
"Who?" I blurted out. Maura laughed. Her laugh, whether an all-out 'bellybuster' or just a chuckle sounded like fine champagne glasses being clinked together in a toast.
"Each other, Jane. I find that I've fallen in love with you and I want us to date."
Yep I was speechless. I watched Maura's face. My thoughts were colliding in my mind. Finally! I wanted to stand up and scream. But I also immediately thought of Frost, Frankie, Ma and Korsak and their reaction to our news. I looked down at Maura's hand on my leg. I reached down and put my hand over hers, squeezing lightly.
"I'd like that," I whispered. Maura leaned over and kissed me on the lips. They were velvet, hundred dollar glasses of champagne and cashmere soft against mine. I leaned into her and returned the kiss. As we broke apart Maura graced me with another smile.
"I'll pick you up at seven, Jane." I must have stood up and walked back to the elevator because a few minutes later I found myself sitting at my desk. It all looked foreign to me. Maura loves me, reverberated through my mind.
Our dinner that evening was fantastic. I fretted that our new relationship might make things awkward between us but it wasn't so. Maura rang the doorbell at two minutes before seven. I opened the door, completely ready to go for once. She gave me the once over and proclaimed me to be the most beautiful woman she'd ever seen.
"Have you looked in a mirror recently?" I managed to say and that broke the ice. We both laughed as we walked to Maura's car.
Eventually, a couple of weeks later, we got around to having the discussion about how open to be with our friends and family, how to tell them, and what we wanted to do if their reaction to our new status wasn't to their liking. Everyone was okay with this, even Ma. I feared her Catholic upbringing and faith the most, fearing I'd get the "you'll burn in hell" speech. Instead Ma surprised us by acting like it was the most natural thing in the world.
When I came down to earth I asked her why she was so accepting. It was one of our Sunday family dinners. On the surface nothing changed. We were all present, of course, except for my dad since the divorce. Ma was tying on her apron. The marinara sauce was simmering on the back of the stove and she was about to boil the pasta. Ma gave me one of her "you're impossible, Jane" looks.
"You two have been dating for the last couple of years, Jane. It took until now for you to figure that out. Maura's a great girl and I get a doctor, too. Just don't forget I want grandchildren."
That particular memory cost me a couple of hours of tears. Ma was gone, she didn't get grandchildren.
Our relationship hadn't been too physical up till then save for evenings when we went to sleep with our arms entwined around each other or the times we spent doing everything but. I was nervous. Never having been with a woman I feared not being able to please Maura and have her dump me for some fantastic lover, male or female. I should have known better. Maura had been with a few women in the past and took the lead.
I knew the evening it was going to happen. All day long we'd been more touchy-feely with each other than before if that were possible. Secret smiles, little touches, grabbing asses, and a scorching kiss Maura gave me in her office after lunch.
She took me to dinner, once again in dresses and heels, but an undercurrent of excitement and expectation was with us. We made it through half a bottle of wine and an appetizer before Maura suddenly called the waiter over and paid the check. She handed him a hundred dollar bill for what was a sixty dollar ticket at that point, grabbed my hand and led me out of the restaurant.
We held hands all the way back to her house. We didn't speak. The tension was thick. Parking in her driveway Maura turned off the engine, raised our clasped hands to her mouth and kissed the back of my hand, scars and all.
We barely made it inside before the clothes came off. I thought for a minute I was going to make love to Maura while pressed up against the back of her door but she stopped, leaned in for a soul-searing kiss and led me to the bedroom.
"I want us to take our time, Jane. I love you and want you to know how much you mean to me," Maura whispered.
She made love to me like no one ever had. When she entered me I was more than ready. We spent the night exploring each other's bodies, each of us wanting to please our lover.
Maura's taking charge in the bedroom both thrilled and surprised me. I always thought I'd be the guy, the one who plans the dates, picks up the dry cleaning, pulls out the chair and opens the car door. Maura did all that for me, and more. Which is why it was all the more understandable how her heart broke when she felt I betrayed her by shooting her biological father. I had a clean shot, he shot a federal officer and I feared for Maura's and Frost's safety. What Maura saw and understood instantly was that I hesitated for a small second before returning Doyle's fire. In that split second I saw him as an Irish mob boss responsible for multiple murders over the years and not as Paddy Doyle, Maura Isles' biological father who sacrificed his wife and his daughter to keep Maura safe. This played out in Maura's mind on a regular basis and she thought I understood her feelings and would help protect Paddy, or at least make sure he was safe in detention. Instead I shot him. He suffered a heart attack when he fell from the catwalk and died before the paramedics arrived.
Frankie came to see me the day Ma was buried. He found Maura's letter in Ma's purse and dropped it off at the prison for me. I didn't know why I cherished it so much. Was it because Ma finally had some closure from Maura, or because Maura wrote it to begin with? I looked down at the paper, instantly recognizing the beautiful cursive writing Maura practiced. On a whim I pulled out a single sheet of paper and uncapped my pen.
Dear Maura,
I don't know if you'll open this letter since you'll know it's from me but I want to apologize to you for my actions. I mean, really apologize. I get it, Maura, I do. It took a lot of introspection but I know now what you meant. Despite loving each other and being adopted by my family you want to know who you really are: biologically, socially, psychologically. I killed that when Paddy died. He died at my hand because I thought Frost and I were in danger of being killed in that warehouse.
I should never let you be a target, Maura. That's another part of my apology to you. I can't express how scared I was when you went into that warehouse and I still wonder if I wasn't "trigger happy" because of my fear. My actions are my own and I am paying for them now.
The day you left Boston you took my heart with you. I'm shattered Maura, and not only because Ma died. I don't know if Frankie contacted you or Frost but Ma got sick and died. I was not allowed to attend her funeral, another thing I am angry at myself for, but I'll get over it. Ma knew I loved her; more importantly she understood why I kept silent when we were pressed by IA for Paddy's connection to the warehouse fire. I never said he was there for you. I couldn't.
You are my life Maura and always will be. I will honor your wish to be left alone after this letter. I will never chase after you or try to find you when I'm out, Maura.
Love, Jane
I addressed the envelope and put it out for the guard to take and mail. I did it before I rethought my decision and pulled the letter back. I didn't expect to receive a reply from Maura.
Another con moved into the cell next to me and because of the placement of windows and vents we were able to talk. She asked me my name and I said simply, "Jane."
"I'm Suzanne. What are you in for?"
I hesitated to answer. As a former cop the guards are supposed to protect me, that's the reason I'm in a cell by myself, but we all know how often the guards look the other way when a fight breaks out.
"I protected a friend of mine after an investigation." No response for a few moments.
"You a cop?" Suzanne barked out the question.
"Former. I'll be bagging groceries or asking if you want fries with that when I'm released."
"Were you a dirty cop, Jane?"
"No, I was never on the take but a friend of mine turned out to be related to a former mob boss and I protected her identity when the mob boss turned up uninvited to a warehouse stakeout. Why are you here Suzanne?"
Now I hear laughter coming from her cell. "I was a girlfriend to a former and now deceased mob boss. Are you Jane Rizzoli?"
"Yeah. Who's girlfriend were you?" I asked.
"Paddy Doyle."
"I killed him, Suzanne. Are you sure you want to talk to me?"
"Look, Jane, Paddy got himself killed. He was nuts about his daughter and wanted to protect her every chance he got." She was silent for awhile.
"I'm sorry you're here."
"Me too."
"If you don't mind my asking, how was it that protecting Doyle's daughter put you in prison?"
"Maura was our chief medical examiner and not speaking up about her identity caused a lot of cases against his henchmen and others connected to the mob to be overturned. A lot of bad guys ended up on the streets and IA was after my butt when they found out who Maura was, and how long I'd known her."
"Paddy used to say you guys were good together. Lovers?"
"Yes," I said it so low I didn't think Suzanne heard me.
"Maura's a good woman, Jane, you guys will be back together before you know it."
"No, Suzanne, she doesn't want to see me anymore. She told me that before she left Boston and wrote it in a letter to my Ma."
"I'm sorry again, Jane. Seems to me you lost an awful lot when you protected her."
"I shot her biological father, Suzanne. He never had a chance to tell Maura who her biological mother is and Maura hates me for that."
Suzanne and I talked everyday after that, at least until she got in a fight in the showers with some of the others and ended up in solitary confinement. I never spoke with her again; she wasn't released back into the general prison population until after my release.
Frankie picked me up just outside the prison walls. I embraced him carefully. I wasn't sure how he felt about his ex-con sister. I didn't have to worry; the family love was still there. Frankie hugged me back and held me tight.
"I love you, Jane. I'm so glad this is over for you," he said. I climbed into the passenger seat of his car.
"It'll never be over, Frankie." He studied my face for a long moment.
"No, I guess not." We set off toward Boston and I settled back in my seat. In my pocket was the name and address of my parole officer whom I was to contact within twenty-four hours. He was going to set me up with a job waiting tables at a pizza parlor. The owner was an ex-con who gave others a chance at redemption.
As for the rest of my life I considered it over. I'd wait tables, pay my bills and exist. Love, romance, a career as a homicide detective, all was gone and never to be regained. I accepted it but I did not embrace it. I knew the nights would be the worst. Instead of nightmares about Hoyt I'd have nightmares about losing Maura over and over again. It was my price to pay for loving and protecting her.
I'd do it all over again, even if I knew the outcome.
The End