'Heard It Through The Grapevine'
Thought I'd try something different. And yes it's an M story. Please I'm so scared right now. I hope you all like it though... *hides in cupboard*
Bit of background info: Ste/Cheryl are 16 and just finished Year 11.
Brendan is 18 and about to move away to attend university.
First chapter set in the middle of August
Title inspired by the song by Marvin Gaye.
Parties. I've always fucking hated parties. Dance, drink, cop off with someone. None of that appeals to me. There is no way I'd be seen dead - dancing and singing along to some crap pop song, it may appeal to others but not Brendan Brady. People have this misconception of the Irish, we sit there all day getting pissed on whiskey, then night falls and we go to a local get together and do the River Dance. No. I binge; I drink
at parties, not every single day. I may also seem like the sort of gay bloke who constantly has one night stands, and I suppose I do like the feel of another body next to me, warming up my skin but I don't do it on a regular basis. I'm not that sort of lad. Yes, I do like to flirt, who doesn't? But not everybody is like that inside, even if the exterior makes you seem that way.
I really don't want to go tonight though. It's some sort celebration the local chav's putting on to bring the Year 11's together before they all go their separate ways onto life. The only way he's going is one of two options. Prison; or ending up doing some shit job. Literally. A job cleaning shit, it's all he's cut out for. Everyone knows he's failed all of his exams. The amount of times I've had to physically push 'Ste' out of the house because he's wanted to get shit faced with Cheryl the night before an exam. Nobody ruins my baby sister's future, not even her golden-skinned, Mancunian best friend.
Everyone knows of Steven Hay, the local council rat who does anything for money, nothing is too much of an ask for some earnings. His family is nothing like mine, we're quite well off, not the sort of snobs who have everything desirable, but we're comfortable. We live comfortably. But even if I did need some quick cash, I'd never do what Steven does. That's low.
I'm not even in his year, Cheryl is. I'm eighteen now, just about to go off to start a new life away from everything. I've been accepted into a top university back home in Ireland, and I'm really excited to just start afresh so I suppose this leaving party is also mine. Well, I used that excuse with Da - "let me bring Mal or I'm not going. It's me saying bye to friends too." Mal doesn't want to go either, but all of the drinks are being supplied free of charge, so why not go and make the most of it? We're being forced to go to keep an eye on Cheryl, because in my Da's eyes, she's the sort of sixteen-year-old who would go to a party, go to the nearest bedroom and sleep with anyone. He clearly doesn't know his angel of a daughter then does he? I do. She's got a heart of gold, My Chez.
I sigh. What is it with girls and parties? We were planning to leave at around eight o'clock, so I started to get ready about seven so I'd be on time; but surprise, surprise. I'm still waiting for Cheryl at 8:15. I'm proud of the way I look, I may not be excited for tonight but I feel like I should make the effort. I've decided to wear my new shirt that Cheryl purchased for my eighteenth birthday, nine months ago, seen as I haven't wore it yet. It's quite nice actually, not the sort of design I'd usually go for but it suits me. Red with white piping, and I've teamed it with some black skinnies. I check my hair in the mirror once more and then make the long walk down the corridor to get my head bitten off by my baby sister.
I bring my hand to the door and knock, waiting for that loud booming Northern Irish accent.
"Yeah?" Cheryl shouts back. "Who is it?"
"You ready yet?" I ask. I know the answer. No, not yet Brendan. Five more minutes.
"I'll be five minutes." She replies, I smile a knowing grin to myself and tell her I'll be waiting downstairs for her grand entrance.
Cheryl finally emerges, ten minutes after my question. I look up from the sofa and staring back at me is a woman. Not the little girl that I used to look after. She looks breathtakingly beautiful. Her hair is naturally curly, as much as she tries to burn the life out of it with straighteners, it'll never happen. I know she hates her hair, would do anything to have hair like Lynsey, yet curls define Cheryl. She's wearing a short strapless royal blue dress, hugging at all the right places. I know I should hate the fact that my sister is going to a party dressed like this, but for some reason I'm not. She's a good catholic girl and I know she wouldn't do anything with anyone until she was ready. I'm literally speechless and that doesn't happen very often. I have no words right now that would sum up how proud my little sis is making me feel.
"Brendan do I look okay?" Cheryl snapped me out of my state, her face screwing up, obviously thinking I haven't said anything because she doesn't look amazing.
"Course you look okay Chez. More than okay..." I reply, smiling up at her, which she returns.
"The colour? Doesn't look horrible?" She still seems self-conscious; as much as I tell her she looks beautiful I know she's not going to believe me. I might fancy boys, men, but I know how the women's mind works.
"Cheryl." I start, standing up, looking at her in the eyes and taking both of her hands in mine. "You look..." I take a break from my sentence, as I kiss her cheek lightly, before staring at her in the eyes once more. "Mint" I whisper.
I smirk. I've never used that word in my life, but I know she loves it. Ever since she's started hanging around with that Manc twat she's overused it and it sounds pathetic coming from her Irish tones, but it made her laugh, so I've done the good brotherly deed.
"Chez?"
"Yeah?" She asks.
"I think we should go now yeah?" She nods in reply, and links her arms with mine, and I grab our coats on the short walk to the door.
I knock on Ste's front door and look up to the house we're now waiting outside of. There are two words to describe this dump.
Shit. Hole.
I literally don't even want to step foot inside this tip, in case I'll catch some sort of disease, it's that bad. The way Ste dresses gave me some sort of prejudgement on the way he lives, but it's nothing like I was expecting. Even walking the short fifteen minute walk to his house, Cheryl moaning in my ear that her six-inch heels are hurting already, I could see the change in my neighbourhood to his. The floor was littered with needles, rubbish flung all over the pavement. I'm surprised we've seen no rats on our stroll here to be honest.
I can already hear the awful music blaring from the house, which is another reason why I hate house parties. I'm a Johnny Cash man, hearing his soft voice after a long day studying is how I've spent the last few years of my life, and now I'm ending my Manchester life. Listening to this. Fantastic.
His parents must have gone out for the night, but it's not like the home can get any more of a wreck. I can already see the wallpaper planning it's escape from the wall, they'd probably be glad if it got stripped. I look back at Ste and he looks stressed.
"Alright?" Ste smiles slightly, looking up at me and then at Cheryl. "Come in"
He doesn't seem as excited as Cheryl was making out he was. Apparently all month he'd been planning this massive party, hundreds of people were due to be turning up. It was going to be the party of the century, that's what he'd described it as anyway. She'd told me how he'd managed to get some fake ID and had been going round to all the local shops stocking up on booze. I don't know how he'd even managed to get away with it; you'd have to be Stevie bloody Wonder to think Steven fucking Hay was eighteen years old.
"You alright babe?" Cheryl asks, touching his shoulder.
I don't like this one bit. I know Cheryl fancies him, clearly hasn't heard the rumours that he'd happily fuck anyone for cash, men, women, you name it, and he'd do it. I don't know if his parents push him to do it or if it's off his own back. I don't even care to be honest, each to their own, I just know that I still don't like him and I still don't like my baby sister being associated with this scum. If I even dare to breath my opinion she'll hate me, so that's why I've put up with him for so long.
"Yeah" He looks up at us, letting a slight smirk fall from his face. I don't think he's okay; he's blatantly lying to us, to Cheryl. I look around, noticing hardly anyone is here. A party with hardly any guests hardly makes him feel fantastic does it?
"Drinks through there if you want one." He points to what I assume is the kitchen. "Just gotta do something upstairs, I'll be down in a bit." He replies and I watch him walk away.
Probably got a fuck lurking in his bed.
Mal finally turned up in the end, Lynsey draped over him like a lost cause. They've been together for a year now. It felt weird at first; my best friend partnered up with what can only be described as my adopted little sister. Chez and Lyns have been close ever since they were in pushchairs, so the fact that my closest mate is doing...things... with her makes me a little uncomfortable. I've kind of gotten used to it now though, Mal's a good bloke, and I know he'll treat her right. It's just it's a step too far when she starts to put her hand around the middle of his trouser area...
"Right." I quickly get up from the sofa, which obviously stops them from going any further. They must know it's making me feel uncomfortable, granted we're all completely smashed right now, but I don't really want to be present when Lynsey gives Mal a hand job. It's now that I realise I haven't seen Chez or Steven all night. The agreed plan with Seamus was that I'd look after his pride and joy. I haven't.
I get out of the room as quickly as I can; I can already hear the loved-up couples' mouths moving together, passing on pieces of spit. It makes me feel sick. I imagine Cheryl would be in the kitchen, so that's where I go. Looking down at my near-enough empty beer bottle, I notice that I'm due another drink anyway. I spot Cheryl in the far corner giggling away to her friends, no boys thank god, although I thought she'd be with Ste at least.
Then I do the thing most people dread. Trying to catch someone's attention.
I don't want to go over there, nothing is worse apparently, than your older brother socialising with you at your first proper house party. I was warned about that before we'd actually got here. Don't do anything embarrassing Brendan, don't even talk to me. I know she still looks up to me, but I'm her brother, her protector. It's my job. Her friends used to fancy me actually, you know.. before I came out. I'd imagine they still would, truth be told...
Tall - check
Dark - check
Handsome - check
Straight - Oh.
I start by simply staring at her, most people would feel another person's eyes on them, burrowing into their soul, trying to get their attention. Cheryl clearly doesn't.
I then try to make as much noise as I can, by throwing my bottle into the now already completely glass-filled bin, but even the clang of the material doesn't stop her conversation.
Then I do the last possible thing. She's going to hate me. I'm cringing before I've even done it. Yet, I'm not allowed to approach her, so it's my only option.
"Just dance. Gonna be okay..." I start to sing. "Da-doo-doo-doo, Just dance." I throw my hands up in the air, waving towards her group. "Just dance. Spin that record babe" I continue to wave, getting right into it now. She must have noticed me by now. "Da-doo-doo-dooooo... Oh..Hi..."
I stop, seeing that I'm now face to face with my sibling, and she's wearing a scowl on her face that would rival any pre-school youngster before they throw a huge tantrum. I'm drunk. I'm too drunk.
"Hi." She smiles at me, before pulling me across to an enclosed corner of the house. "What you doing Brendan? Do you want me to be the laughing stock of the school?"
"Technically you don't go to school anymore Chez." I reply sarcastically, before I lean over and grab another beer. Well it is true. She's going to pass her GCSE's and achieve her place on her hairdressing course.
"Shut up Brendan. What's so important that you had to interrupt my conversation about Kris?"
"You w..." I was about to question her conversation, but I've probably just ruined her night, so I hold myself back. "Where's the toilet?"
"...So you've ruined my life because you need a piss?"
"Language." I jokingly warn before laughing. It's our way of an apology, we hardly ever say the words 'I'm sorry' to eachother. Once we both laugh, we know we're fine.
"Upstairs, first on the left." She goes to walk off, before turning round again. "I love you Brendan, but piss off." She smiles, before she continues her way back to her class-mates. Bitch.
There isn't many rooms in Steven's house, not as many as I'm used to anyway, so finding the bathroom wasn't that hard. I take a leak, shake, put it all away and do my flies up before leaving the room again, ready to go and be bored once more. Something stops me in my tracks though wondering where Steven is. I remember him going upstairs a while ago, and I haven't seen him since. I can see there's a closed door, with light sneaking under the bottom of it, clearly showing somebody is in the room, and when I put my ear to the door I can hear a slight voice. I thought Steven had company, but I can hear only one voice and tiny pauses, indicating that he's on the phone.
"Yeah I said it was alright Didn't I?... I'm not...Mum I ain't being rude to ya... Yeah I'm having fun... Okay...Yeah see ya tomorrow..."
I know he's ended the conversation now, so I abruptly open his door and I'm shocked at what I find. My initial reaction was to run downstairs again, pretending I hadn't seen him, but I had.
"What you doing?" He looks up at me, quizzing.
I have to think quickly on my feet. "Erm...Looking for the bathroom..."
"You've just been in the bathroom Brendan, I have fucking ears."
I stare back at him, clearly caught out. "Are...are you okay?" I ask. If there was an award for the most stupid,pointless, obvious question of the day I'd win hands down. He has tears rolling down his face, yet somehow he still looks the same. His skin is tanned. his cheekbones still as defined as ever, his physique still adequate.
"Obviously not." He huffs. I'm still hovering awkwardly in his doorway and I don't wait for a reply before I've invited myself in and plonked myself down on his bed.
"Why are you even here Brendan?" He asks. I don't even know the answer to that. Everyone believes I have this hard-man exterior, which I do to an extent. I've been in fights in the past, I've beat up pricks who decide it's a good idea to insult my friends and family, but I do have a heart. As much as I don't exactly like the boy, he's crying, he's obviously upset over something and he doesn't want anybody to know which is why he's cooped himself up in his bedroom for half the night.
I decide to ignore his question. "Why are you crying?"
"None of your buisness." He ends our conversation. Just like that.
I sit there for a moment, looking around the room. This is awkward. "Good party."
"No it ain't. Everyone knows it's shit." He scruffs his hoody sleeve up, wiping his tear-stained eyes.
"Good booze though, had alot of it I have."
"Bit too much eh?" He asks, smiling at me. He's got a great smile. I probably haven't noticed before because everytime I see him, I'm shouting at him to get out of my house. Hardly a reason to smile.
"Yeah maybe a little bit too much, you've invited no handsome men Steven." The name rolls off my tongue. I know he hates it, Cheryl told me once how the supply teacher had accidentally called him by his full name and he'd kicked off big-style. He doesn't seem to mind it falling from my Irish lull though.
I fake a sad expression, trying to make him laugh. I don't give a fuck if I had a quick kiss or something tonight. This town hardly has any gay lads anyway, that's one reason I'm looking forward to university actually, the mixture of new people, from different walks off life. Maybe I'll find someone I actually want to be with. For real.
"Ain't I handsome then?" He's flirting with me and I don't know what to do. Rumours have gone round how he's been with lads, but I don't know exactly how accurate or reliable the sources are.
"You're a very handsome lad Steven yeah... especially when you're crying eh?" I try to lighten the mood. I think I've done my job here.
"Ta." He replies, smiling at me. He goes to get up off the bed, well at least I think that's what he's doing. But he's not.
I'm drunk. I'm fucking blind drunk and before I even think about what's happening, we're leaning in slightly, staring into eachother's eyes. I risk a glance downwards to his lips. Fuck they look kissable, so kissable.
"Bren..." He hasn't even had a drop of alcohol tonight, but he's drunk. Drunk on lust. I look into his bright blue eyes, diluted. It's clear he wants me, and I want him right now too. Fuck it, I think. I'm at a party, it's what lads of my age do at a party isn't it? It's not like I do it everyday and in a creepy way, I'm helping out Ste aswell. I force our lips together, pushing my tongue inside. He tastes sweet, sweeter than I thought he would. I'm delving deeper and deeper, making the most out of this moment. We break apart and as quickly as we can, we've discarded the top half of our clothing, never breaking eye contact, and resume our recent happenings.
I've never really seen it before, not really said two words to him. But fuck, he's attractive. He acts way more older than his age, he has the eyelashes that every girl would envy. His stomach is toned, hot to touch. He's...
"Steven stop." I put my hand out, pushing his naked chest away from me. I have to stop this before we go too far.
"What?" He asks, looking into my face for an answer.
"I've got no cash on me." I whisper, why the fuck would you not bring your wallet Brendan?
"What?" He looks confused, I don't want to spell it out, surely he knows what I'm implying.
"I've left it all at home. I can pay you Monday maybe, ya know when you go get your results with Chez?"
"Pay me? What you going on about?" I look to his facial features, to see if he's acting as if I don't know what he does for extra money.
"Pay you for you know..." I nod towards the bulge in his skinny jeans, he clearly wants this too, so surely he trusts my family enough to know we're true to our word.
He jumps off the bed then, hands flying in the air, face turning red with anger. "Brendan are you saying what I think you are?!"
I smile at him, reassuring him that it's okay, that I understand. "Steven it's fine okay. I get why you do it, you're better than that but I get it. I promise, I get it." I go to walk towards him again, offering my hand, but he backs away more and more, shaking his head as if he can't believe what I'm saying.
"BRENDAN I'M NOT SOME FUCKING PROSTITUTE!"
I try to reply, but I can't get the words out of my mouth properly and before I know it I'm being pushed out of the room and I hear the sound of the lock being pulled across. Mocking me.
I've hardly slept the last few days. I felt something when we'd kissed, I don't know what it even was, but something was there. At first, I thought it was just what I was thinking, a quick fumble, something that meant nothing, a quick shag to fulfil a man's needs. Yet now, when I look back at the way we stared into eachother's eyes, it was like we both wanted it just as much as the other. I may not have spoken to Ste much in the past, granted I felt like he was leading my younger sibling astray, but going into his house last week, seeing how he lives his life, how much of a state his home is, I kind of understand why he's constantly wanting to be at ours. He seemed so adamant, denying the accusations. I still don't know what to believe. Everybody has spread it around the neighbourhood, I don't have a clue who started it if it's not true.
I'm still in bed, I wish I could stay here all day but I've promised Cheryl I'd drop her and her mate off into town. There was something about needing to purchase comfort food to celebrate or commiserate when they receive their results in two days' time. Cheryl had fluttered her eyelashes and attempted her puppy-dog eyes to lure me into agreeing.
I forced myself up, quickly grabbing some jogging bottoms and a t-shirt, before rushing to the bathroom to make myself look more presentable. Not that I care what Cheryl's friend thinks of me. She's obviously the wrong gender anyway; after all we'll only be in the car fifteen minutes max.
Walking down the stairs I can hear chatting going on, making me realise the mate is already here.
"Are you sure you're okay though? You're not yourself. What's happened?" It's Cheryl, probably boy troubles.
"Nothing."
That makes me halt in the middle of the stairs. That isn't a girl's voice. It's a boy's. It's Ste's.
"He'll be down in a minute, then I can buy you one of them new chocolate bars out and we can talk about your problem."
"I don't have a problem Cheryl. Anyway what do..."
Ste doesn't finish his question because I'm there behind him, giving him a slight smile. "Morning chocoholics'." I grin.
"Cheryl.. I thought we were getting the bus?"
"Brendan's taking us."
"I'd rather get the bus though."
"Steven, I'm offering free transport here. Come on." I motion my arms for them to follow me to my Peugeot parked outside.
"Are we going to spend this whole car journey in silence boys?" Cheryl's clearly noticed how everytime I try to start a conversation it's abruptly ended.
"Was everything okay once we'd left?" Yep.
"Did you have a hangover the morning after?" No.
"Looking forward to Your results?" No.
It's hard work talking to somebody that you've blatantly pissed off, I understand that now. Steven is so fucking stubborn anyway I really don't believe he'll even want to have a quick word with me, let me try to explain how this town works. If that many people tell you one fact, of course you're going to believe it. I can see him in the back, staring out the window beside of him, not looking into my eye line at all. He's got a giant scowl on his face. I've obviously really, really hurt the boy's feelings last night, but what was I supposed to do?
That whole car journey hurt; it hurt that much that I had deliberately sped to get out of the awkwardness as quick as I could. I'm home now, have been for the past couple of hours, home alone. Da's probably out drinking as he always is, getting paralytic drunk and he'll come home later and throw me loads of mental abuse. That's the difference now, he knows I'll hit him back if he even touches me one tiny bit, I've learnt to fight back and stand up for myself. He hates that his 'boy' is gay, absolutely can't stand it. But fuck him. I've been ashamed my whole life and for once, right now, I'm happy with who I am.
I need to apologise to Steven though, I might still think he shouldn't be around Cheryl but he seemed a decent enough lad last night. I hate seeing people cry, literally I stand there like an idiot and can't think of the words to say to bring them back to ease again. I feel like I was okay last night though, I made him smile and laugh, I made him want to kiss me... I've thought about what he said long and hard throughout the last few hours and in some fucked up way I actually believe Ste against all of the people in my neighbourhood. Usually you can tell if somebody is lying, they touch their nose, can't look you in the eye, run their fingers through their hair. Ste did none of that, he just shouted. Alot.
He's with Cheryl today and I really don't want her to know anything about my presumptions towards her best friend. There's only one way to do this - find another way to get in contact with him, with no Cheryl around to disturb and force us apart. If she knows I'm the one who upset him, I'm dead meat.
I put down my glass of lemonade and run upstairs. Brothers shouldn't raid a girl's bedroom, I know that, but I need Ste's phone number. It's urgent. I open her bedside cabinet, trying my best to keep the contents as neat as I can, as to not alert any suspicion. Truth be told, some of the stuff I see, I don't exactly want to see but there must be something in this room with Ste's number on. I find a book, and quickly sit on the bed and open it, flicking through the pages trying to find any sort of writing, but it's just a book filled with pictures of fit celebs. Very fit men, my sister has good taste.
It's then that I see it, her address book at the far back of the drawer. I quickly grab it, forcing it to the page marked as "H" and there it is, staring me in the face.
Ste Hay
16 Johnstown Road
Liverpool
07961...
I quickly grab a piece of paper beside Cheryl's bed and her ridiculous feathered biro and jot down Ste's details. I'm not going to his house again, me turning up there would probably top the list of the most stupidest things I've ever done, so that's out of the question. The only thing that I can do is text him. But how the fuck do I word that?
I lay down on Cheryl's bed, staring up at the ceiling, phone directly above my face.
'Ste it's Brendan. We need to talk.' I delete. Too basic.
"Ste it's Brendan, can you just fucking talk to me please?' I delete. No swearing.
"Ste it's Brendan. I'm sorry." That's better. More to the point. I doubt he'll reply but at least I've apologised. I still feel terrible but I'm shit with words so that's the best I can do.
I'm going to cook Cheryl a nice meal tonight and have some brother/sister time.
I'm not the best cook in town, but I can rustle up something simple. I decide on pasta with a simple tomato sauce - Cheryl's favourite actually. I throw the pasta into a saucepan, and get out another in order to start on the sauce. It's silent in the house and I think about life and how much my future is going to change.
I still can't believe that I'm moving away, leaving my little sister behind. I need to prove to everyone that I can follow my dreams though, that as fucked up as my life was when I was small, how much my Da ruined it, I can be who I want. I've always had some sort of interest in sport, ever since an early age I'd use sport to escape my shit life. I'd join as many after school clubs as I could, just to give me time away from home. That was the initial reason that I'd joined, but then I realised that I quite liked it, and I wanted to teach people about sports too. And that's the reason I'm going to be a successful P.E teacher, and I'm studying hard to make sure that is exactly what I become. Cheryl wants to be a hairdresser too, so that's a bonus in itself, free haircuts when I come home for a few days.
Chez comes in the kitchen then, I hadn't even realised she'd come in. I was away with the fairies.
"You okay Brendan?" She asks, I glance over and smile.
"Course. Good day?" I enquire, stirring the sauce a little.
"Yeah it was thanks. Ste still seems weird though, I think he's got girl troubles. He'd be all coy when I asked if he fancied this person, then be angry when I pushed it further. I just wish who ever she is, she'd just talk to him. He's got it bad. Anyway what ya cooking?" She asks, sniffing in the aromas.
I don't even know what to say. Fancy? She's his best friend and she's telling me that he fancies the person who upset him. He fancies me? He hates me surely, we never talk, I throw him out the house, I slag off his home.
"Brendan?"
"Sorry sis... erm Pasta and tomato sauce of course!"
"Yum. Come on chop chop."
"Shut it." I warn, smiling and pointing the spoon towards her way.
It's 11pm now and Da's still not home. I'm not even worried anymore, I genuinely hope that he is in a gutter or worse, but I don't share this with Cheryl. She doesn't know how deep my hatred goes, she has no clue that I'd be much happier if he was dead, just me and my sister, the way I want it to be. Tonight's been nice, just me and my favourite person, spending time together. We don't seem to do it much anymore. We've both grown up and each have our own lives now.
"What's this shit?" I ask - I know full well what it is...
"America's next top model. Come on Brendan you love it."
"No Chez."
"Yes"
"No"
"Yes." She squeezes my cheeks together as she says it.
"I'm going to sleep Chez, see you in the morning. Don't go to bed too late! Results at 10."
Cheryl sighs. She's bound to do well, she's amazing. She's forever revising, learning everything she needs to know. She'll fly by, I'm sure of it. "Come with me Bren, come with me to get them."
"Sure. Don't be nervous okay. You did great, and I'm proud of you whatever the circumstances."
"Love you." She says, and I smile, grab my phone and walk upstairs.
I've been staring into space for what feels like hours, when in reality it's probably only been a few minutes. Lying here now, naked except my underwear, I can't sleep even if I tried. I haven't stopped thinking about him all day, I don't even know what this is anymore. Saturday afternoon I hated him, couldn't stand the sight of him, didn't want to be anywhere near him. Yet now, I can't get him out of my head, he's took up permanent residence there and he won't leave. I don't even know if I want him to leave my mind , he's confusing me so fucking much.
Do I find him attractive? Yes
Do I imagining myself having sex with him? Yes probably
Do I fancy him? That's the ultimate question. Cheryl seems to unknowingly think that he fancies me, but is it reciprocated? Yeah I suppose it is.
I still feel bad judging him before I'd really knew him. I just had a preconceived idea that he was trying to lead Cheryl astray, take her away from me, as fucked up as that sounds. But now I realise what he was doing, probably trying to get away from that shit hole where he lives. I've seen black eyes on his face before, the estate he lives on had an eerie feel about it when I went there on Saturday. He's probably using his friendship as a distraction, like I did my sporting activities.
I close my eyes and see his face now as I look up to the ceiling, the lust on his face as he leans in to kiss me, the way his lips moved against mine, the way his tongue entered my mouth. His skin is perfect, there is no doubt about it Ste is gorgeous, and I should be happy that he chose to kiss me and thought that I was worth risking his friendship with my sister. I remember the way he tugged off my shirt from the confines of my shoulders, touching my body, clearly wanting more of me.
I can feel my cock growing in my trousers, the more that I think of him, begging to be released. If I do this now though, I'm admitting to myself that he is the reason I feel this way. He is the one that is making me hard and he is the reason that I want to get myself off. I bite my lip, trying to figure out the dilemma. Do I want something to happen between us? Should I be contemplating doing this if it'll never happen?
I push my boxer shorts further down my body and grab the body lotion I have on my bedside table, rubbing it in my palm. This is no time for thinking, people masturbate over others every day, it means nothing. My eyes are firmly closed, mind filled with just an image of Steven looking back at me, almost urging me on, persuading me to do this. I then take hold of my solid length, feeling it pulsate between my fingers. I don't move it for a few seconds, just envisaging that it's Steven doing this for me. When I do move it, I start slow, working myself into a steady pace. I don't even know if I should be doing this when Cheryl is downstairs - I'm wanking myself off over her best friend. Steven's face is still haunting my daydream, he's smiling now, I can see the lust clearly within his eyes - he knows I'm close. I've never been quiet when it came to anything intimate so I bury my face in my pillow as I let out a loud grown - white liquid pulsing out onto the covers.
It's Monday. Results day. Steven never replied to me, and truth be told I never expected him to, I wouldn't reply to me either if I was him. I dreamt of him last night, it was nothing too graphic, just us being 'together.' I remember parts - there was one section where we were doing nothing, just walking around the park hand-in-hand, enjoying the summer sunshine and a tiny part of me woke up, disappointed that it wasn't real.
My life is changing in front of my eyes. I've never seen Steven this way before, I've never realised how attractive he is when you look at him close up, how his eyes shine and his smile lights up a dim room. Why can't I get the boy out of my brain?!
I can hear Cheryl groggily walking downstairs as I'm whistling making her a cooked breakfast - bacon, eggs, hash brown, mushrooms. You name it; I included it.
"Brendan it's too early to be all happy." Chez moans, as she sits at the breakfast table and slumps her hand into her hands that lay on the surface.
"Results day Chez! This is the first day of the rest of that long life of yours baby" I reply, more sarcastic than intended. I love winding her up.
"Shut up and do my brekkie Brady."
"Yes sis!" I respond, saluting her and smiling.
Cheryl is nervous as fuck, I don't even know why. One - she's going to sail these exam results and Two - you don't exactly need a high grade to do a hairdressing course at college. We've been walking for the last twenty minutes to the school gates and she's hardly muttered a word, so I stop her in the middle of the road and turn her towards myself, placing my hands on her shoulders.
"Chez look at me."
She looks up, vacant, bless her.
"You're gonna be fine okay? Believe in yourself. You tried your best, and that's all you can do okay? Deep breaths."
She takes one long breath and nods to me. "Lets do this."
That's my girl.
Walking into the hall brings back memories of when I retreived my year 11 results - I did pretty well in all honesty, against all of the odds. I was never the model student, the first few years I was constantly in trouble with the head, trying to prove to my mates that I wasn't "a poof, bender or faggot" and beating up anybody that dared to label me as one. I had to show that I was not some weak link in our group of friends, that I wasn't 'gay little Brendan' and the only way to show this fact was by using my fists. I don't give a shit who knows now though, granted I don't rub it in people's faces. I still feel uncomfortable with all the public displays of affection I see in and around town now-a-days, both gay and straight relationships, but I can go as far to say I like who I am now. I like myself.
I'd by some miracle, which I'll forever be thankful for, accomplished all A-D grades. If you'd told me to guess my grades aged thirteen, I'd have happily put on a hundred pound bet of complete and utter failure and not receiving any grades above a E. How wrong was I? I know for a fact Cheryl has done better than me. She's the apple of Da's eye, she'll get a greater congratulations present than I ever received. A punch ain't the sort of thing a star pupil asks for.
Well, Cheryl passed unsurprisingly.
Ste failed, unsurprisingly.
I'd hugged Cheryl for so long as she stared down at her results, which included six A stars, glancing a look over at Ste as I saw him rip open his envelope. He stuffed it in his bag and near enough ran for the door. I excused myself from Cheryl for a second and unwilling found myself chasing after Steven. I'd grabbed his arm and span him round to me.
"You can resit the year you know. Maybe you'll be better next year?"
The look he gave me can only be described as a death stare, I probably should have walked away, but some sort of gravity replacement rooted me to the spot. I wanted to be here with him, I wanted to make him feel better, I wanted to show him the alternatives.
"Fuck off Brendan. I know you don't give a shit about me s..."
"I do." I looked him in the eye then, the first time I'd probably ever been half truthful with him. "I do care for you, I... I want the best for you Steven."
"What's best for me is to go home, get bladdered and wake up tomorrow and find a shitty old job for shitty old me. Goodbye Brendan."
I couldn't even argue back, try to reason with him. He seemed like a determined bloke, and I knew for a fact he'd do exactly that. He'd get a job, and I knew that it was only to support his shitty, fucking parents.
Cheryl got more than me. Cheryl got to go for a meal with the family to celebrate her success, Cheryl got a £50 cheque from Da, Cheryl got breakfast in bed the next day. I shouldn't be jealous. I am proud of my sister, very proud, she's going to do exactly what she has wanted to do since she was a little girl. She always used to cut her barbie's hair off as soon as she'd had one bought for her, and in more than half of the situations she'd actually cut it well. I knew she'd make a great hair stylist, but it was hard not to bitter. What was so bad about me that I was actually hated in this family?
Dad was bitter as always at the meal, asking about Cheryl's "queer friend" and almost laughing back in her face when she said that even though he'd tried his hardest - a blatent lie - he hadn't done as well as she'd hoped.
If he wasn't hopping into bed with all the local cock suckers he'd have done miles better.
He'd looked at me as he'd said that, but I just grinned back, biting another piece of my chicken leg. I'd proved his stupid theory wrong two years ago.
Fuck you Dad.
It turns out that Steven keeps to his word and does get a job, not a shit job as he put it but it's not the ideal job you would love if you'd passed all of your exams. Steven Hay now works in a supermarket. I have no idea why but I keep getting an urge to talk to him. He's turning into an obsession ever since I'd wanked myself dry thinking about him. I still feel like he hasn't accepted my apology, as much as I want him to. I'm trying to make the effort and he's not. I decide I need to see him, and because he isn't replying to any texts or contact, I need to go shopping. Something I never do for this God forsaken family.
Shopping trip one didn't go very well. I'd walked around Asda for the best part of an hour, not knowing what the hell my parents usually buy. I just eat the shit, I don't buy it or put any money towards it. I just consume it. Then I'd walked to every till, looking for Ste, but unsuccessfully. I ended up spending over £100 that day, for fuck all.
The second time, I decided that I wouldn't spend money that I'm saving up for university. I'd "browse" the CD aisle, as my back was facing the till I heard a recognisable voice creeping up behind me and I knew instantly who it was.
"Sir, sorry I don't think you heard me.. I was asking if you needed any hel...Oh."
"That's such a lovely greeting there Steven, maybe drop the 'Oh' next time yeah?"
"Fuck off Brendan. I told you last time. You don't give a fuck about me, nobody does. So drop the shit and buy whatever the fuck you came in here for." Ste said loudly as he walked off in the opposite direction. "Oh and Johnny Cash is over there you bastard, you ain't into Gaga and Britney, don't try and kid yourself."
I smiled. He knows me.
The third time I decided to try a new tactic. The sympathy tactic, I know it was low, but I had to try. I literally walked in and picked a 'Sorry' card and some chocolate (the chocolate that I'd taken him and Cheryl to buy the other day) and walked straight to Steven's till. He didn't say a word as he was serving me and swiping the items through the till machine. I simply paid and then shoved the two items back at him before I left. Opening the card he realised I'd already written in the card before I purchased it.
The fourth time - play with his mind. I knew Steven failed his Maths exam, very badly. So for some fucked up reason I decided to buy a maths kit. Maths was one of my strong subjects at school, and I was a pro at any times table I was given and I was a dab-hand at angles and shit too. So I went to Steven's till armed with a compass, protractor, ruler, pencils, and a couple of work books.
"Brendan this is getting stupid now." Ste said under his breath, as to not alert any attention.
"Just helping out a mate." I replied, smiling back.
"A mate."
"Yep. Or someone I'd rather have as more than a mate."
I don't even know why I'd said that out loud, why the fuck can't I keep my thoughts to myself, I've basically just told whoever was listening that I wanted this boy, I wanted him so bad and I was prepared to give him free maths tutoring if it enabled me to get closer to him.
Ste texted me that night, and that was actually the first time he'd text me before I'd text him. I felt like a teenage girl, receiving all the butterflies in my stomach. He invited me out to a film, fuck knows why. He didn't know my movie tastes and to be fair I didn't know his, but we'd arranged it for the next evening.
I didn't even know if this was a date? Did Ste do dates? Did I even do dates? I decided to just go casual, no shirt and trousers, I stuck with the normal attire of jeans and a tshirt. Steven looked like he'd effortlessly just picked something out of his wardrobe and looked stunning, whereas I'd deliberated over my outfit for fucking ages. He'd teamed a pair of jeans with a blue adidas polo shirt, one that matched the colour of his eyes. I'd never noticed tiny details like that with men before. What's happening to me?
We watched Batman in the end, and we seemed to both enjoy it and he'd thanked me for a nice evening when it was over and weirdly he'd kissed my cheek after I'd walked him home. I wanted to kiss him properly again, of course I did. But after it had all finished, it felt like a date. It felt like I had literally just been on my first proper date, with someone I actually liked and somebody I wanted to see again.
We'd had more contact over the next few days and when I was sitting alone drunk in my room one evening, texting Steven for company he'd told me how he was watching a film which included a roller skating scene, and I had stupidly suggested we should go. He seemed overjoyed at the offer, telling me exactly where we'd be going, that we should get a takeaway afterwards and I couldn't let him down by telling him I'd never done it in my life and knowing I'd come out with a battered body.
I had already fallen over countless amount of times before Steven offered me his hand. Usually I wouldn't like public displays of affection like this, but tonight I didn't give a shit. I'd been forgiven for being a complete and utter cunt to my sister's friend and that was all that I had asked for. I'd taken his hand, I had let him lead me around the disco hall. We giggled alot that night, and when we gave back the roller skates and walked back into the breezy night, he had hadn't let go of my hand, and he had lent up and kissed me, on the lips, softly, but I knew it had happened. I knew we were together.
We went to the fair a few days after that. I hate rides, I always have, but somehow Steven had talked me into trying every single ride there, even the ones that I knew would make me feel or be sick. Which I was. On his brand new shoes. I had apologised and apologised with my hearts content, but that's the thing now, we're in a relationship and he doesn't snap or shout at me. He sits me on a close bench and he rubs my back and places kisses on my shoulder blades to comfort me and bring me back to earth.
"I work in Asda now, don't I? They sell shoes"
He always makes me smile this boy.
I don't really understand how we constantly have something to talk about. We are complete opposites, and I suppose that's how we work so well.
I like Johnny Cash and Elvis. He likes Cheryl Cole and Britney Spears.
I like watching football. He would rather watch X Factor.
We fit though, we talk about everything from life at home to past experiences and that's exactly how the conversation came up.
We lay on the sofa, his head in the crook of my arm and my other hand stroking through his hair. I love lazy days like this, just sitting in mostly silence, doing nothing. Cheryl knows about us now, we thought she would hate the idea but apparently she'd known that I'd fancied Steven for ages (I didn't even know myself so fuck knows how she did.)
He interrupts my fond memories. "Brendan how did you know?"
"Know what?"
"That you know... you liked men."
I literally don't know the answer to that question, I've been asked it many times before. I can't pinpoint an exact moment in my brain where it clicked.
I intake a breath, and release it. "It's like I've always known. The boys at school would be screaming over how fit the supermodels were, or how attractive the girl on television was and I'd just strug my shoulders and not care. I suppose I was about fourteen when I realised I was different to others. I appreciated the male celebrities more than the women. I'd admire their physique more."
Steven turns his head and smiles at me, and kisses me and entertwines our tongues. I love how he just accepts me for me.
I know today is the day, even though we haven't discussed this. We've been 'together' a few weeks now, officially, and I just have a feeling today is the day when I show him what he will hopefully be getting from me for a long time yet. It's weird how easily we've fell into this thing. I don't tend to do relationships, I've never had the need or want to be in one, but now I feel happy for probably one of the only times in my life. I like this boy, I really, really like him and it may sound quite sad, but he's changed me. He's made me realise what it's like to be part of a unit. He's already taught me so much. I always thought he was thick, lacking in anything knowledgeable but he's proved me wrong, made me realise that it's incorrect to judge people before you get to know them. He may not be the academic sort, but he's clever in his own way - he has his wits about him and that's why right now I'm going to make this the best and most precious thing Steven has ever experienced, and show him that I can be romantic when I put my mind to it - he's never going to forget tonight.
Dad went out earlier, as per, so I know he won't be here to interrupt what I've got planned. A quick twenty pound bribe to Cheryl persuaded her to leave the house for a few hours too. I look around one last time, checking everything is in place. Takeaway menus on the living room table, vanilla-scented candles lit around the room, music on in the background. Steven is due any minute now. I rest my arms by my side, take a deep breath and slyly watch the window to keep a look out for my boyfriend's arrival.
I see him before he knocks, and I want to go and open the door beforehand, but I don't. I feel like some teenage school girl, giddy all of a sudden. I feel something for Steven, I'm not sure what it is, but even now only six weeks into our partnership I honestly can't imagine my life without him playing a part.
Steven knocks, and I count to three before walking over and answering the door. He looks amazing. He's wearing a white shirt, fitted perfectly around his frame and darker jeans. He looks gorgeous. He smiles up at me.
"Can I come in then?" He asks.
Jesus Christ, how long was I bloody staring at him for? "Uh.. Yeah course."
I'm nervous. Why the fuck am I nervous. I'm petrified and I'm older than he is. Shouldn't he be the nervous one?
Steven steps in beside of me, kissing me gently on the lips, which I reciprocate, before touching my thumb gently down his cheek to his chin, and grinning at him again, then shutting the door behind him.
"What's the plan Batman?" He enquires, a soft laugh leaving my throat.
"Just because we saw Batman, Steven it doesn't mean you have to make a reference to it every single time we see eachother."
"It was our first date, shut up. Anyway answer the question Bren." I love his sass, he's never rude, he's just.. he's just Steven. That's who he is and what he is. He has an answer for everything, a comeback and I love that.
"Takeaway dinner, TV then you leave." I smile.
"Not gonna ask me to stay the night then?"
"We'll see if you behave yourself before I ask you that." I reply.
We both know he's not going home.
We settled on Chinese food in the end, Steven's favourite. I'd wiped the sauce off of his chin when he'd slurped the noodles up too fast and the liquid had caught his face. I'm washing up the plates now, and I hear Steven walk in, his feet scraping across the wooden flooring. I don't turn round though, and before I know it he has his arms wrapped around my waist.
"Leave that." He says, spinning me round to face him.
I still have soap suds on my hands so I rub one onto his nose, giggling at my immaturity.
He doesn't wipe it off though, just smiles lightly at me and tip-toes up to kiss me, forcing us further together, bodies pressed.
"Take me to bed." Steven whispers to me. God I want to, so bad but I have to be one hundred percent sure he wants this. There's a two year age gap between us, Steven is barely legal enough to do this, I need know that he honestly wants this as much as me.
"Steven..." I start to say, before he catches my lips again.
"Don't question it Brendan, just feel. Just be with me." He replies, quietly, taking my hand and walking up towards my bedroom.
This is it.
Things heated up on the climb to the first floor, grabbing frantically at eachother's clothes, littering the carpeted stairs with them. I've never been kissed as fast and deep as Steven is doing to me right now. The feel of his lips on mine is something that I will never forget as long as I'll live. It's different, different to all the other boys or men I've tasted. Steven constantly has this minty freshness to his mouth, like it's always present. I like that.
Steven has jumped on me now and I've held him to the wall, with his legs around my waist securing him against me. I can already feel his hardness protruding against my stomach, begging to be released and pleasured. I want nothing more than that right now. To taste Steven properly, taste a part of him I'm yet to try. I throw Steven onto the bed, crawling up, peppering kisses on every crevice of his accessible body that I can, mouth, neck, nipple, stomach . . . before licking down near his treasure trail.
I start to unbuckle his belt, looking into his gorgeous eyes once again, asking permission. He doesn't speak, just simply licks his lips and nods, telling me all I need to know through silence. I don't plan for there to be much more silence though, as I quickly strip him of jeans and force my mouth to take in his full length. Unsurprisingly, Steven has found a voice, and starts to moan louder and louder as I suck and suck, using my tongue to add friction. The cheeky bugger is even trying to push his cock further into my throat, which I oblige to, nothing is better than knowing you are pleasuring someone as special as this boy.
I take my finger, pushing it to Steven's mouth, coating it in spit ready to pleasure him even more. He sucks it with intention, knowing exactly what I want to use it for.
"Brendan...Brendan wait." I look up to him, seeing for the first time how apprehensive he appears. I don't want to hurt the boy, in fact that's the last thing I want to do.
"What's wrong? Steven I'm not gonna do anything you don't want me to do."
"It's not that.. it's just.. those things you thought about me when we first spok.."
"Steven I've told you, I'm sorry. I really like you okay? I know you didn't do all of that."
"That's the thing. I've never done all of that."
"What?"
"I'm a virgin Brendan okay? And now you probably think I'm a fucking freak but yeah."
"Well looks like your first time is gonna be the best time then ain't it."
Steven looks at me with a confused look on his face, I smile, moving up towards his face again and planting my hands either side of his head on the mattress. "If you still wanna do this.."
He nods.
"Then I'm going to go as slow as you want to okay? I'm gonna look after you Steven, I'm gonna make ye feel good. Alright?"
"Sounds promising" He replies, and I silence him with a quick kiss, before placing my finger back into his mouth and moving it slowly towards his backside. "Deep breaths okay?"
I slowly push inside him, careful not to hurt him. He winces in slight discomfort at first and I still in my moments, before pulling out slightly and pushing back in with more ease. Steven seems to relax against the touch, so I add another digit, working him open in order for me to fuck him with what I really want to use.
Steven isn't quiet in the slightest and he lets me know he is liking what I am doing to him. The moans of pleasure falling from his lips, guide me to release my fingers, putting on a condom and coating myself in some lube before gently, slowly and carefully pushing into him with my cock. I want to see his face while I'm doing this, so I let him lay there, his full body on display to me, allowing me to take in his beauty. He looks in total bliss as I pound him, internally grinning to myself that I'm the one taking his virginity from him, I'm the one who he has allowed to take this special part of him first. I realise in that moment how lucky I am and how amazing I feel.
Steven hasn't had sex before so it's no surprise at all when he releases his load sooner than I think he realised himself. Seeing his face contort and his screams of pleasure - including my name Brendunnnnn oh my god Brendunnnn crying from his mouth, pushed me over the edge and my own orgasm is being freed from my body.
We both collapse side my side after our passionate encounter, I think both not quite believing what just happened.
I just made love to the boy I hated a few weeks back, the boy I now really, really like. The boy I like more than anyone I've came across before.
We haven't moved for over an hour, I thought Steven had drifted off to sleep to be honest, before he'd lifted his head from my chest and looked me in the eyes.
"Brendan?" He said, almost like a question.
"Mhm?" I mumbled back to him.
"I'm gonna miss you when you go."
It's the first time he'd openly told me that, and the first time we'd discussed my situation. It's the not the first thought I'd had of it though.
"Good thing I'm not going to go then ain't it?"
"What?" He looked at me with confusion etched on his face. "Wait what? Brendan you're still going I'm not gonna let you drop out because of m..."
I silenced him with a kiss, catching his bottom lip and putting my finger against it to silence him. "It's a gap year Steven, I'm having a gap year."
"But.." He was almost speechless. "But why?"
"Oh that's lovely that. Thankyou Steven." I pretended to remove myself from the bed, and he'd put his hand out to catch mine.
"I'm not going anywhere. Promise."
"Why a gap year though? Like I'm proper happy and that but what made you do that?"
"Cheryl needs people to practice on for her hairdressing course don't she?"
"Oh it's not because of me then?"
"You're part of it yeah."
At the start of summer I was looking forward to going to Ireland, passing my course, maybe finding someone nice to be with. I wasn't aware that the person I was looking for had already been in my life for the past two years, we'd never talked much, but he was there, right under my nose.
That person has made me happy, he's completed me like I've never been completed before. He's my missing jigsaw piece and even though I had this idea of him beforehand, he's proved that I was wrong. I thought he was a waste of space, a waste of air - he's not.
He may have failed most of his exams, but that doesn't mean his stupid at all. He had a tough year, and I know that now and when I go on to Dublin next year, I can go knowing that I have a life still left open for me back in Manchester. I know that I can go back home where there will be a boy waiting there for me, a boy who had passed all of his resitted exams, a boy that had a good future ahead of him - and that that future includes me.
We haven't muttered that famous little L word to eachother yet, but I know it's not far off.
He is my life now. Steven literally is my life, and someday soon I'm going to tell him exactly how he makes me feel.
Reviews?