The Missing Piece of TS
We arrived home from the hospital, and a sense of well-being enveloped me. It felt good to be home. I blinked with the sudden knowledge that that's how I'm beginning to see Joe's place. It kind of came hand in hand with the realization that I loved him. I started when Joe's voice broke into my thoughts.
"Why don't you go take a shower," Joe suggested as he smiled and placed a gentle kiss on my lips. "I've got some things I need to follow-up on." I knew I wasn't smelling my best right now, what with vomiting all over myself at my apartment, so a shower sounded fantastic.
"Happen to have that beer ready when I'm done?" I asked.
"Sure," Joe replied. "Just relax, enjoy your shower, everything will be waiting when you get out."
All I really wanted was a beer, but I was too tired to ask Joe what he meant by "everything." So I just turned and headed for the stairs to take my shower, leaving Joe to finish up what I assumed to be police work from tonight.
When I stepped out of the shower, I was feeling better. I certainly smelled better. I keep a supply of toiletries at Joe's house, so I rubbed some lotion on, combed through my hair and put a little gel in it, and brushed my teeth. When I was done, I was feeling even better. I wrapped a towel around myself and emerged from the bathroom. I noticed a faint glow coming from Joe's bedroom, but the rest of the house was dark. I made my way to the room and found that it was lit with a dozen or so candles, in different sizes, colors and scents. Joe was standing in the middle of the room, his shirt off, the candles casting a bronze glow on his Italian skin. I stood frozen in the doorway, stunned speechless. Joe isn't usually one for romantic gestures like this. And he was looking so incredibly good. I guess it wasn't police work after all that Joe needed to do while I was in the shower.
"I know you told me to have beer waiting, but I thought I'd expand on that a little."
"No problem," I replied dumbly, apparently still affected by that stunned speechless affliction. I was just so touched by the trouble he had gone to.
"Come here, Steph. I need you," Joe said, his voice low and smooth, his eyes bright with love.
I felt my pulse quicken as the first rush of arousal gushed through my veins. I had finally told Joe I loved him tonight. Being with him now, seeing the way he looked at me with such a wealth of emotion, I was never surer that I did truly love Joe. And I knew what it meant to love a man like Joe, a man who embodied pride and honor. It meant I needed to act in accordance with those traits as well. When I told Joe that I loved him, Joe had answered that he already knew. And maybe that was true. But after almost betraying him with Ranger, I wanted to erase any reason for doubt Joe may have been harboring, even if only sub-consciously. I wanted to show the man I loved just how much he meant to me.
"Wait. There's something I need to do first," I said in a somewhat croaky voice. Apparently, most of the moisture in my body had traveled south.
"Don't be cruel, Steph," Joe said, a teasing tone to his voice, but I could sense his need and desire regardless.
I chuckled slightly at Joe's words and gave myself up to the moment. Banishing thoughts of my betrayal, I reached down and slowly unfurled my towel, letting it drop to the floor. I felt a thrill when his eyes predictably darkened.
"You are so beautiful, Steph. You have no idea all the different ways I want to love you tonight."
And with those words, I felt the final shifting of something inside me that had started when I waited in my apartment to see who was coming into Scrog's ambush, and realized I loved Joe. I didn't just love Joe. I was in love with Joe. And it was stronger and more lasting than anything I had felt before. All of the pieces had finally come together, and I was ready to commit to Joe with everything I had. And Joe had waited long enough for me. I felt like I was floating as I walked over to him, smiling, hoping he could read in my eyes all the thoughts and feelings going through my head. There was so much, I didn't know what to say first, what to do first. The easiest thing seemed to be to start with something simple. I really never had thanked him for all the effort he'd put into making the room so relaxing.
"Joe, the room…" Joe wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me into the safety of his body and brought his mouth to mine, stealing my words and my breath. When his mouth touched mine, sparks ignited between us. This was exactly how fire was invented, I thought. You put two combustible objects together until the sparks generated turn into a raging inferno. My bones went lax, the tension of my ordeal with Scrog seeping away as my mind shut down to everything but the firm pressure of Joe's lips on mine, and the slide of his tongue stroking mine with delicate ease. I slid my hands through Joe's underarms, wrapping them around his back, gripping his shoulders, and squeezing him tightly to my body. I shivered at the erotic sensation of Joe's coarse chest hair grazing my skin. Joe groaned and bended me over, deepening the kiss and taking my mouth in a series of dips and slow nibbles that made my heart soar. The kiss lasted several minutes before Joe finally broke away, his breathing ragged. Trying to catch my own breath, I attempted to finish the thought I had started before Joe's amazing assault.
"Joe, I was going to tell you…" Again, Joe cut me off.
"Nothing is more important than reassuring myself that you're okay," Joe stated intently, as his eyes scanned me from head to toe. Alright, well, that was sweet. But not only did I really want to thank Joe for what he'd done, little shards of guilt over what I had done with Ranger were still poking at me. I really wanted to say something to Joe, and I was determined to voice my thoughts, no more interruptions. I placed my finger over Joe's lips. Joe's tongue came out for a tiny taste. Distracting, but I persevered.
"But, the room. It looks wonderful. And Joe? You shouldn't worry about me so much."
Joe looked at me as if I'd just sprouted an extra head. "I can't help worrying about the woman I love. A bomb," Joe murmured, shaking his head.
I placed my hands on his warm chest, slightly curling my fingers into the hard muscle there, feeling the tightly coiled tension.
"I love you too, Joe," I stated quietly. I think that, more than anything, is what he needed to hear at the moment.
Joe's smile brightened his face, and I got a little dizzy from the sheer brilliance of it. "Oh Steph. Your lips are even prettier than normal when they're saying those words. I know you said it in the car, but I was hoping it wasn't a fluke, or even a figment of my imagination."
"Nope, neither one of those. I said it, I meant it, and for the life of me I can't figure out why it took me so long to say it in the first place."
"I don't really care why," Joe breathed and he dropped to his knees.
"Joe, what are you doing?" I asked, a tremble in my voice. Joe was so damn sexy and I was unabashedly turned on seeing him like this.
"Loving you, Steph. Let me love you and push all the bad thoughts away just like I promised." Oh god, oh god, oh god. Joe leaned forward and put actions to words as he fulfilled his promise in the most delicious way. I wound my fingers through Joe's hair, grateful for his oversight in getting timely hair cuts, as he quickly satisfied me to the point that I was weak-kneed and breathless. Joe pressed a kiss to my stomach, then my ribs, my breasts, then my shoulder as he slowly rose from the floor. I threw my head back, surrendering to the desire to have Joe brand every inch of my skin with his sinful mouth. Joe responded to my silent invitation with more kisses along my neck, and behind my ear, ending with a small nip of my earlobe. Pinpoints of pleasure prickled along my skin, heightening my arousal to an aching need.
Joe backed me over to the bed and gently laid me down, leaving my legs dangling over the side. I was vaguely aware of the fact that Joe didn't join me on the bed, but instead was kneeling once again on the floor in front of me. I garnered enough strength to hoist myself onto my elbows and issue a tiny protest.
Joe smiled at me, and shook his head in the face of my protest. "More Steph. Nice and slow this time. I can never get enough of you."
Joe kissed my ankle, then slowly moved up each leg with tiny licks and kisses, leaving no inch unturned, so to speak. "I want to touch you everywhere, taste you everywhere," he muttered against my skin. "I have to make sure all your parts are here and alright."
I reached out and gently brushed a curl of hair from Joe's forehead, then dropped back to the bed when Joe executed a particularly creative maneuver. After so long together, Joe knew me. Knew what I needed, and it wasn't long before the pressure started building again, the vacuum started engulfing me again, where thoughts were impossible, where all that was left was sensation spreading through me, over me, under me, until it all converged in a cataclysmic blast. All thoughts beyond the pleasure Joe was giving me lost.
"Joe, I'm desperate…I need…"
With a quick kiss, Joe jumped up, moving to stand by the foot of the bed. He yanked down his jeans and boxers together, evidence that his urgency was as great as mine. He was magnificent in all his aroused glory. As desperate as I felt, my eyes insisted on having this sensual treat. So when Joe began to stalk back toward the bed, I stopped him.
"Wait! Just stay there for a minute. I want to look at you."
A grin tilted the corner of Joe's mouth. "Honey, it's nothing you haven't seen before."
"It's different tonight." Tonight it was as if I was seeing Joe through different eyes, ones filled with love.
Joe seemed to understand and stood there, humoring me while I looked my fill. In time, I raised my eyes to Joe's face and our gazes locked. Joe made a sexy growl and hurried back to me. He cupped my face in his hands, stroking my cheeks with his thumbs, and slowly lowered his mouth to mine. Without breaking the kiss, in an instant his body was over mine bringing me what I'd been missing. I wrapped my arms around his body and clung to the rightness of it.
Joe was being gentle, tender; his kisses sweet, his pace slow and even. But I wanted more. My time with Scrog had been at times creepy, and at times downright scary, but I had survived. I was not a fragile doll that was going to break. Joe's fear for me tonight had been plainly written on his face, and I understood it. I recognized its counterpart inside myself when I was afraid it was Joe who was coming into my apartment and would get shot by Scrog. That fear had brought me to the realization that I loved Joe, and now I wanted to express that love in the most basic elemental way; with fierce, unrestrained passion. I think I proved I was made of pretty strong stuff tonight, and I wanted, craved the full force of Joe's passion. Joe's shallow breathing told me how much his control was costing him, and I was going to fix that. I placed my hands on Joe's chest and applied a slight pressure, a silent signal to ease back. Joe broke the kiss and gazed down at me, his look questioning.
"Joe, I don't want you holding back. I want everything you have to give me tonight."
An endearing mix of tenderness and lust came over Joe's face. "Steph, you don't know what you're asking. I was terrified for you tonight, full of rage at the thought of anything happening to you. I put a tight leash on those emotions to get through it, but I can't say what would happen if I let loose now."
Tears pricked the back of my eyes, but I smiled at Joe. "Joe, I know you would never hurt me. It would be impossible for you."
A slight tremor traveled through Joe. His eyes focused intently on my face and a look of what I'd like to think was awe but was probably closer to something resembling gratitude shined in his eyes. Anticipation hung heavy between us as Joe appeared to contemplate my words. After seconds that felt more like years, Joe reared back, as I sucked in a tiny breath. Oh yes, this was what I wanted. He splayed his large hands over my stomach, curling his fingers around my waist possessively. "You're mine," Joe growled.
I didn't know what to say to that. It seemed as if what Joe said should bother me, but instead a thrill skittered through my body. To be loved and wanted this much by a man like Joe is an exhilarating feeling. Then Joe, probably thinking I might rebel at his words, didn't give me a chance to say anything at all, lowering his head and taking my mouth in a kiss meant to prove his claim. Immediately, I melted into the mattress below, succumbing to Joe's onslaught of newly released passion. Joe sensed it, groaning deep in his throat. He wrapped his arms around my back, pulled me flush against his chest, and deepened the kiss even more. I held Joe's face in my hands and responded with a force that matched his, holding his tongue captive as I stroked it with my own. It was perfect, exactly as I had asked. Joe might have thought tonight was about pushing the dark episode with Scrog out of my mind, and indeed, he had already done that splendidly. But I also had an agenda. I wanted to show Joe I was worthy of his love. What ensued was a sexual battle as we rolled bottom to top and top to bottom, stroking and kissing each other to a fever pitch.
When Joe had once again rolled me underneath him, his dominant strength prevailed as he threw his leg over mine, the strong weight of it holding me in place. That was fine, I didn't want to go anywhere anyway. Joe's breathing was ragged as he hovered above me, and a sparkle of amusement danced in his eye, but otherwise he was holding perfectly still.
"Oh no, you don't. You're not going to start teasing me now. You can't stop," I hissed, my own breathing labored.
Joe flashed me a wide grin. "More demands, my little hellcat?"
"You better believe it." I performed a hip twisting maneuver, rubbing against Joe like a cat in heat. It worked. Joe's eyes flared, his jaw momentarily tightening with the effort of keeping control, but then he started taking me up all over again, holding nothing back, until we were both equally sated.
"Christ, Stephanie, that was amazing."
It had been. I kept my knee wrapped around his waist as my hands slid slowly down his back, my body still quivering with the after-shocks of the most amazing pleasure I could imagine. I kissed Joe's shoulder, enjoying the salty taste of his sweaty body. We lay together like that for several minutes, our bodies pasted together, contentment spilling over in my heart.
Joe abruptly put an end to that. As he slowly extricated himself from my hold, he chirped, "Alright, Steph. Up and at 'em." His recovery time is a source of amazement to me.
I groaned. "What do you mean? I don't think I can move thanks to you."
Through my haze, I heard a soft laugh. "Sure you can. Come on. You've earned yourself another shower."
I pried one of my heavy-lidded eyes open and peered at Joe. "Are you coming with me this time?"
I was treated to Joe's wicked grin. "You'd better believe it, Cupcake."
I lay awake late that night, snuggled up to Joe's side, my hand lying possessively over his heart. Joe had fallen asleep, having exhausted himself fulfilling his promise to me and satisfying all my wicked desires. Sleep wasn't coming so easily to me. My thoughts drifted to Ranger, odd as that seemed at first. Then I realized my mind was processing the final step my heart had already taken in committing to Joe completely. Ranger had told me that his role in my life was dessert, and not to expect any more than that. I recalled thinking that his honesty should have made my decision easier, but it didn't. Well, being with Joe tonight did. Joe loves me with a single-minded focus, and an intensity the likes of which I have never experienced. He has for a long time now. I'm not willing to throw that away on anything Ranger is offering. Dessert is a good friend. Dessert can help ease disappointment, or help celebrate something good. But it leaves you feeling empty afterward, unsatisfied. You need the Friday night pot roast dinner to fill you up inside. Joe may not be thrilled with being likened to a pot roast, but I'm okay with that. I was more than happy enough with the realization for the both of us. I snuggled in closer to Joe's side, felt his arm tighten around me, and smiled. When Ranger gets out of the hospital, I think I'll take him some dessert, a symbolic gesture of our new understanding of his role in my life. I finally fell asleep with that thought tossing around in my head.
I arrived at RangeMan and found Ranger sitting at his desk, comfortable in sweats. I placed the cake I had brought him as his dessert on the desk and we started to talk.
"It's going to be pretty quiet around here with only one Ranger," I commented.
"One Ranger is all you need," Ranger replied.
"Well, I hope that one Ranger is happy being friends with me."
Ranger arched one brow at me. "How come it sounds like there's more to that statement than you're saying."
"It's just that a lot has happened the last few days, a lot of things have been said, and it's brought things out in the open about myself and my feelings."
"Sounds like you've been doing some thinking."
"I guess so," I said quietly. "Yet it seems that ultimately everything sort of became crystal clear rather quickly."
"Anything you care to share?"
I lowered my eyes and started fidgeting with my hands. This was the hardest part. "Actually, I'm ashamed to admit out loud what I figured out."
"Since I have a feeling it involves me, why don't you try," Ranger said dryly, irritation lacing his voice. No doubt he's starting to figure out this conversation isn't going in a favorable direction for him.
I opened my mouth to say something, then stopped. Where to begin? I took a deep breath. "I'm afraid I allowed things to go so far with you because something inside me, my ego I suppose, was damaged when I caught my ex with Joyce. And you, your attention, helped fix it."
Ranger regarded me with a blank stare, so I kept going, trying to put into words something I hadn't liked confronting about myself. "Look, Ranger, I'm sure it doesn't come as a surprise to you that you are an incredibly sexy guy. And you want me! Me!
It re-affirmed my sense of worth as a desirable woman to attract your attention. And then again, it isn't just you, is it? No, I have two strong men engaging in--how did you put it, turf wars?—over me. Impressive, and thrilling and most certainly ego-enhancing for a Jersey girl who's ex-husband took up with the local skank," I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm. "But not anymore. I'm too old to engage in such sordid, spoiled behavior any longer and I'm no longer impressed. It's time for me to grow up."
Ranger leveled me with a disgusted glare. "So, if I understand correctly, you're settling for Morelli because you think you've reached some ripe old age and he's offering you stability?" Ranger demanded.
Ranger had completely ignored what I'd said about my feelings regarding his attention, and latched onto the part of my statement that he could interpret as him being the loser of the turf war. I'm not surprised Ranger didn't understand, but anger overtook me anyway.
"No!" I yelled. "I'm CHOOSING Joe because I love him. Because he loves me. In every way. Because when I thought it might be him coming into my apartment to be ambushed by Scrog, I tried to picture my life without him and I couldn't. Because he willingly comes to dinner at my family's house every Friday night, and he fits there. We fit. Because he's worked so hard over the years to deal with the trouble I get myself into at great expense to himself, and he's succeeded." I glared at Ranger then. "You can never be the man Joe is."
Ranger looked as though he'd been slapped. I guess I always think of Ranger as an emotion-less person. Perhaps I need to re-evaluate that. He has some, just not enough for me.
"I'm sorry. I don't mean to insult you," I said, my voice softer than it had been a minute ago. "You and I have had some pretty crazy adventures, as well as our fair share of trouble, and I'd like to think we've come to mean something to each other as a result. I know I feel love for you, and I know you've said you love me in your own way. Perhaps that's the same way I love you back. But that love isn't anything compared to what I feel for Joe, and I'm not risking our relationship anymore for a few cheap thrills. Joe gives me all the thrills I need…and more."
"I don't want to hear about that Babe," Ranger said, tension bunching his shoulders.
"No, I don't suppose you do. But it's time you did anyway." Ranger speared me with a long, dangerous look that may have intimidated me enough to back off in the past, but not anymore. "You are my friend, Ranger. That is all you're ever going to be. Joe warned you not to overstep his boundaries, and now I'm warning you of the same thing. I don't need that kind of attention anymore. I don't want that kind of attention. You keep your hands to yourself, your lips to yourself, your 'suggestions' to yourself, or you lose me from your life. Plain and simple. I remember vividly what it was like to walk in and find Dickie with Joyce. When I think what could have happened if Joe had walked in and found us together in my bed--"
I stopped, an involuntary shudder going through me. "I can't believe I ever allowed that to happen. I can't believe how willing I was, how close I came, to causing Joe pain he in no way deserves. I lowered myself to be no better than Dickie, simply for the physical and egotistical thrill you gave me.
Ranger's eyes softened a little. "You shouldn't be so hard on yourself, Babe. I'd like to think it's more between you and me than that."
"Don't. You'd only be fooling yourself. And I'm not just being hard on myself. If I recall, you were in my bed against my wishes and I'm not too happy with you, either," I said, frowning. "I'm willing to put that behind us, though, as long as nothing like it happens again. I will not be your source of sexual release."
"Babe, you're not…" I put my hand up, stopping him.
"Maybe that's not how you feel, but ultimately it's the way it is and I simply need more." I allowed some of my anger to fade away. I knew I was doing the right thing for me, but I wanted to give Ranger some understanding as we navigated this new terrain for us. "Maybe you need to think about this. That's okay. Please just know while you're considering what I've said that if you can't respect me on this, if you force me to make a choice," I said, looking him square in the eye, "I will be out of your life for good. Joe is the man in my life." I got up from my chair and headed for the door
As I reached the door, Ranger called out. "Stephanie!" I turned around and locked eyes with Ranger's. "I'll back off." That was all he said, but for now that was enough. I figured for Ranger, it was a lot.
I nodded. "Good! Well, I guess I'll be seeing you around then."
"It'll be a couple more days before I'm completely back on my feet. Do you think you can stop by again another time."
"Sure," I replied, granting Ranger a smile. "I can do that."