Good Night
by Kitsilver
After defeating Roan, this was the conversation Lexa and Clarke should have had.
"Your ambassadors betrayed you," I said to her. "How could you move forward?"
She held my gaze for a long time before saying, "They were doing what they thought was best for their people too."
And there it was. That's what I couldn't understand. These people – her people – tried to overthrow her. And she forgave them, even understood them. How?
She was the reason we told no one at Tondc about the missile. She let her people die, then left my people to die to save her own. But she taught children how to be wise, and strong, and compassionate leaders for their people. She forgave these ambassadors who turned against her. And she killed Nia to further safeguard the coalition that she built. I knew what it meant to put the welfare of my people above everything else.
So why, I thought, did she jeopardize all that for me?
I looked at her for a long time, then finally shook my head and stood up. I couldn't think with her there, not now.
"Reshop, Heda." I said. Good night, Commander.
She stood, gracefully as always. When did I start noticing how gracefully she moved? My breath caught at the little smile on her face.
"Good night, Ambassador."
She turned away and I couldn't take my eyes off of her as she walked to the door.
Why? I thought. Why was I so drawn to her? And why, the thought came as she pulled open the door and looked at me one more time. Why was it so hard to just let her go?
"Wait."
The word came unbidden and Lexa stopped, one hand on the door and a question in her eyes. I walked up to her not knowing exactly what I wanted to say, but needing to say something.
"Why?" I asked her. I put my hand on hers to keep her from shutting the door. Her eyes stayed on mine. "You could have died today. Why did you risk it?"
That same half smile was back on her face, a gentle tilt to her lips that made me feel bothered and warm at the same time.
"I told you Clarke," she said, "that your people are my people. If I must fight to prove my strength and earn legitimacy for Skaikru, that is what I will do."
"But why?" I asked again. "You didn't have to take me and my people as the 13th clan. You must have known that the other clans would chafe against it. Why risk your coalition for the sake of my people?"
Lexa's eyes held mine, the softest look on her face. "I should think that you would know by now, Clarke."
I had no idea what to say. All those feelings came rushing back, everything I'd felt these last couple days. Seeing her again, feeling the anger and betrayal and hurt that I hadn't gotten over. The feeling of something breaking when she said 'I'm sorry', and not because I had a knife to her throat. What I felt today when I thought about her fighting, and probably dying, to Roan. How it felt to see her on the ground, without a weapon, and knowing there was nothing I could do. I looked into her deep green eyes.
I was afraid. Though of what, I didn't know.
She closed the door, then took both of my hands in hers. "There is nothing to be afraid of Clarke."
"You could have died today."
"But I didn't," she said emphatically. After a brief moment, she leaned in to me and lifted a hand to my cheek. The bandaged hand. "I'm right here."
She wrapped her hand around my neck and then slowly, carefully, she kissed me. Like the first time, her lips were soft, questioning instead of asserting. But this time I am not surprised. This time I want. And have been wanting.
I kissed her back. Moving my lips against hers, exploring her in a way I never had a chance to before. Not because I needed the comfort, but because this was her. Soft and strong, sexy, and kind. I had never known anyone like her before. This mix of hardness and softness, untouchable, but the way she looked at me made me want so badly to touch.
I trailed my hand along her arm, felt her muscles jump beneath my fingers and her soft skin. She looked beautiful in that dress and when I held her close, my hands told me what my eyes already knew.
I touched my tongue to her lips and felt them open and slid my tongue inside. She gasped and the hand around my neck tightened. I kissed her harder, my tongue tangling with hers. Felt her hand in my hair, gripping tight.
Somehow I found myself pressing her up against the wall. Her body against me. Breathing in the same air. Her bare leg between mine.
I pulled away to catch my breath, and heard her breathing heavily too. I looked up and caught her smiling at me.
"What?" I asked.
"That was unexpected," she said.
"Yes, well...Took me by surprise too." I smiled at her and with some regret stepped back. But I didn't let go of her hand or her gaze, which was still looking at me with amusement and something else. An emotion I couldn't name.
We looked at each other for a long time without saying a word. I studied her face and felt, strangely, as if I were seeing it for the first time. There was so much that I wanted to say, but I didn't have the words to say them.
"We can take our time," she said at last. "You are one of my people now and no one would dare attack you, or your people. We have time to figure out what this means. For both of us."
"Yea," was all I could seem to say.
She kissed me one more time, gently, but lingering for a few moments. Then she looked at me with that same soft expression on her face.
"Good night, Clarke."
"Good night, Lexa."
After one last glance, she opened the door and walked away.