Professor Pickle tapped down the stack of papers against the top of his desk, making sure they were all neatly aligned - another day's worth of essays marked and ready to send back tomorrow. He clasped his hands together in his lap and relaxed. Every so often, he liked to look at all the souvenirs and artefacts from his travels which lined his office.
As he came back to his desk, his attention was drawn to the package he had received that morning. It was a cucumber sandwich from Tails, but no ordinary sandwich. It was scientifically designed to be the tastiest possible. Laser-cut to perfection, and all made with the finest ingredients. The professor had been saving it for when he'd finished work - he opened up the package and lifted out the sandwich with a smile.
"Ah, yes. Fresh cucumber, sliced thinly, with a generous slathering of mayonnaise and a sprinkle of black pepper. Just how I like it."
He ran his nose along the crust, taking in the delicate aroma and, without hesitation, took a large bite out of a corner. He savoured the taste. Indulgent satisfaction washed over him for a moment, but he came to an unsettling realisation on the second chew:
"Oh my... no mayonnaise?"
He opened up the sandwich to check. Sure enough, no mayonnaise.
"Well, no matter."
He took a small teaspoon from his desk drawer, and went over to the mini-fridge across the other side of the office. The professor always prepared for such emergencies. Or so he assumed...
"Blast, I seem to have neglected restocking the condiments..."
Feeling slightly frustrated with himself, the professor shut the fridge door and returned to his chair. He sighed, examining the sandwich once more. He appreciated the kind gesture, but was loath to try and enjoy his favourite snack without that critical component. He took another bite hoping that, if he concentrated hard enough, he could fool his taste-buds into believing there was at least a smidgeon of mayonnaise lurking between the slices. No such luck. He mused that waiting until tomorrow would be best - no sense in wasting any more of a good sandwich. He relaxed into his chair and shut his eyes. The satisfaction of having finished all of tonight's paperwork was enough to help him drift off.
As he lay there, his grip loosened around the teaspoon he had picked up earlier. It dropped to the floor with metallic ringing, and immediately roused the professor from his sleep. He looked down at the spoon, and a hot sensation arose in his forehead. There was no mayonnaise. His pulse began to quicken. He was a diplomat. A gentleman. As cool and collected as the cucumbers which laced his favourite snack. He couldn't handle it. Indeed... he would have his cucumber sandwich.
With an adamant grunt, he unzipped his trousers, unfurling his penis from his underwear. It was already becoming engorged as his plan assembled in his mind. With determination, he swiped the half-eaten sandwich from his desk, opened it up, and wrapped the two halves around his erection. The cucumber slices would provide ample lubrication, and the bread a comfortable grip. He began to rub back and forth, slowly gaining speed and hardness. He was really getting into it. His body twitched with pleasure, making him stand up, legs apart - it had been a long time. Now grasping with both hands, he rubbed faster and faster.
"Come on, you blighter!"
A few seconds more, and the professor felt a deep, slow shock that suddenly became a pulsing, radiating sensation. He had done it. He took a deep breath in, and flopped back onto his chair as be exhaled. He took a few more moments to catch his breath.
Before he became limp, he thought to rub the two slices together, squeezing out the excess. Sufficiently cleaned up, the professor adjusted his underwear and zipped up his trousers. He took another deep breath. Looking at his work, he smiled. He was satisfied that the sandwich was now more-or-less how it should be.
With a chuckle, he proceeded to eat the rest of it. After all, he was a gentleman.