I sit back in my dark little world and watch yours flash by. You have so much more than I ever will.
Love, compassion, hope, even pain. I long to be able to feel what you're feeling. Seeing that you have what I never will sickens me. Sometimes, with a stomach of knots, I sit in this little world of mine and toy with the thought of murdering you. I'll never actually do it, of course. After all, you're the only reason I'm even breathing. I would no longer exist without you. I'd rather live my life lonely & numb than not live at all.
That's how it is most of the time, anyway. Sometimes, as I watch my blood drip onto the white marble tiles in his bathroom, it's different. I'll catch myself wondering what it'd be like to slice a little deeper. Who would notice? More importantly, who'd care? Nobody, because that's what I am. No one wants me. No one needs me. No one sees me.
I am pulled from my thoughts by the voice of a certain angry redhead. Axel. He's my friend, I guess. He's the only one to actually see me. Of course, that's probably because he's like me, a nobody. "Rox? Hey Rox!? Roxa-" I turn & he stops mid sentence.
Blood is still trickling across my hand & dripping down my fingertips. "Shit Roxas, not this again!" he snarls as he grabs my arm. "Listen, you can't keep doing this!" He says as he's cleaning me up. "It's fucking dangerous. Don't you know that? Do you WANT to die?"
Axel continues as he bandages me up. "I don't want to come home to find you dead. I really don't want to have to-" he says softly, trailing off as he starts putting things away. I smirk and quirk an eyebrow. "Not gettin all weepy over there are you?" I say laughing softly. "No Way, blondie" I scowl at the name. "I'm just sick of cleaning up after ya."
Axel finishes quickly. He's used to it by now. He finds me like this at least once every couple of weeks. "Did you eat yet?" Axel asks. "No. My father wants me home for supper, but I'll be back at ten or eleven. I can't stay there tonight. He'll be there."
My reply is pretty calm, for once. I guess I just don't really care anymore. The only one I even really notice these days is Axel. Other than that though, I'm numb. Sora has the emotions that I've lost. My younger brother is lucky. He was gone on the day I went numb. He doesn't have to feel like I do. He never will. As much as I hate him, I'll help Riku protect him.
-
My father canceled, so I end up eating with Axel. That's fine with me. I don't want to go home anyway. I don't want to see my half-brother's happy face. Axel smiles at me from across the table & I smile back. He's the only one close enough to get a smile from me lately.
I finish the Thai take-away and head up to the spare room he keeps ready for me. Axel follows, asking me questions about the test we have the next day. "Axel, shut up. I'm not your textbook." He grins and drapes an arm around me. "You're right. You're sooo much more interesting." He draws out the words as I frown.
"Enough." Axel scowls but complies as he gives me the finger. Because of course he would. Shaking my head, I roughly tug open the door and start rummaging through drawers in silence until Axel gives up and leaves. I prepare for bed and lie down. I can hear Axel's music downstairs; Bach. He'd kill me if anyone knew he liked classical music. The song changes to Handel's lullaby as I drift off to sleep. I pray that it'll be a dreamless night.
Praying never works. I saw her again. This time, crumpled on the dark tile. He was grinning & splattered with her blood. My breath caught and my stomach churned and heaved, splattering vomit down the front of my shirt and onto the stairs below. I couldn't help it. He whirled around with the knife.
The expression on his face was gentle, almost sweet, but his eyes burned with a strange fire. "Are you alright? Come here my boy." I shook my head, stepping back and nearly slipping in my own vomit. He lunged & I awoke screaming. Two arms wrapped around me and pulled me tight against a warm body. "Shhh, Rox. It's over. You're alright." Axel whispered, petting my hair as I shook Axel's soothing voice and comforting warmth swiftly lulled me into a shallow slumber.
When I woke next, I felt him shift so that he was laying down with my head on his chest and an arm around me. If I wasn't terrified of another nightmare, I'd have kicked him out of bed ages ago. I felt ridiculous not being able to sleep alone and seriously contemplated telling him to go. Instead, I shifted closer.
I felt him inhale sharply, clearly startled by the movement. "g'night Roxasss. Ssleep well." His voice was rough with sleep and he trailed a bit on the S sounds. His breathing deepened and he snorted softly. He was asleep. "Night Axel" I muttered before following him into a hopefully dreamless sleep.
I awoke early the next morning in a tangle of limbs and blankets. I knew that I should get up, or at least wake him so that he could go back to his own bed, but I didn't. I was loathe to admit it, but I liked the feeling of his arms around me. I'd never say it out loud, but I've had feelings for Axel as far back as I can remember.
Those feelings are the only ones I haven't been robbed of, so they're important to me. I decided years ago that he won't ever know if I can help it. He'd kick me out if he knew I'm sure. It isn't like he's homophobic. After all, he has had a few guys. He'd just never be interested in me. I can't blame him, who'd want someone as fucked up as I am?
Nobody.
I rolled over to face him. He was sleeping soundly. I could feel my cheeks growing warm with a blush nobody would see. We'd ended up like this because of my nightmares countless times, but this was the first time that I had actually gotten to really see him like this. I became so engrossed in my private thoughts that I didn't notice gleaming emerald eyes looking into my own lackluster saphires. "G'mornin Rox-as" Axel mumbled. Without thinking I reached out a hand to brush a strand of hair from his cheek. He didn't pull away, but his eyes took on an odd glint. He leaned over and gently shoved me. I tumbled off the bed and he laughed. Hard.
He hadn't counted on me hitting my head on the bedside table. He was in front of me in a second when he saw the blood. "It's only a shallow cut, I'll be fine. Just a flesh wound?" I said, trying to be reassuring. "No. Let me see. Stay here." Axel insisted. I gave in with a sigh.
Axel forced me to remain seated on the floor. He returned quickly and began to clean and bandage the wound that was, in fact, only a small cut. "Man, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean for you to fall off like that." Axel said with a look of apology.
I was getting annoyed. "Look, it's ok. I'm fine. It was only a shallow cut. Barely a scratch." Axel looked up pathetically. "But I really didn't want to-" he was cut off by my lips pressing against his. As soon as he responded, I pulled away, realizing what I had just done. "Wow" he said as his tongue shot out to lick at his bottom lip. "Sorry" I muttered before fleeing the room.
I awoke to the smell of bacon, my alarm blaring in a way that made my head pound uncomfortably. I sat up, still half asleep. Just as I was finally losing some of my morning fuzziness, Axel walked in wearing only a towel. "Hey Roxas, now that you're awake could you watch the food so i can get dressed? Thanks!" he said heading for his room before I could reply.
I stumbled into the kitchen and sat down at the table, reaching over and grabbing Axle's coffee mug. Axel walked in just in time to see me take a swig. "Hey! That's mine!" he said, reaching out for his mug. I handed it back after taking another sip. "There. Happy?" I said gruffly. "No! You drank it all." Axel pouted. I smiled before snatching the cup back. I walked over tho the counter and poured another cup, taking a sip before shoving it into his hand. "Thanks." he said feigning disgust. "Roxas germs." I grinned. "You love them." He grinned, but refrained from speaking. I turned away, heading for the exit. 'Wait...did he just blush? Couldn't have.' I thought, shaking my head as I headed for the bathroom. 'Could he?'
He was gone by the time I was showered and dressed.